Do I minimize my own needs, yes. Anxiety, self doubt, lack of self confidence or control, obsessive behavior, avoidance. All my hangups for years of bullying over my weight and the leftovers from years of suicidal depression over other things. They all help me avoid whats best for me. That includes the size I had (see, I am using the past tense and taking myself into consideration first ) ballooned to. Far too many other things to go into.

Do I get involved in the needs of other? Not so much anymore. I am a loner and not a particular fan of many social interactions so at the moment I have no one else whose needs I am involved in besides my family and they are all taking care of themselves. I use to use the needs of others to fill my inability to take care of my own, to achieve a sense of satisfaction and self worth. But I eventually realized that what It did for me was superficial to what I actually needed. So I am still as caring and kind (if you can stand my sarcasm in real life) as I have always been, but I am dealing with me at just this moment. Not all that well, but stumbles and starts. So in this case, being a loner has helped.

I am the Queen of putting other's need before my own. From the time I was 12, I was more or less the mom of the house. My mom went to work nights and we never saw her. She was asleep when we got up and was gone for work about the time we got home. It was left to me to take care of my brothers, keep the house and be a companion to my dad. So I learned from a very early age it was my job to take care of others. Add to that the self-hatred and low self-esteem I had from the sexual abuse and the weight I gained because of it and you have a recipe for disaster. I could never do anything right in my mom's eyes...nothing was ever good enough. And I'm still that way. My therapist had me write 10 things I like about myself. All but about 2 of them included a "but...." For instance, the very first one I wrote was " I take care of others: but, most of the time I forget to care for myself." I like something but it's not good enough. I can lose weight but it's never enough. You get the idea. I also have a lot of trouble accepting help from others because I don't feel I'm worthy of help and/or I don't want to bother others with my problems. Like Monday for instance. I went to court alone because I didn't want to bother anyone even though I would have loved someone to go with me. Would it have been so bad to ask someone to go with me? What's the worse that they could have said, no? Of course that means I could be rejected and I can't take that chance. God, I'm messed up. I have to get past all of this if I'm ever going to get anywhere.

I think I strive to keep a balance of taking care of my needs and those of others. I have been fortunate that I have not had depression (well one year I went thru it but not to the point of having to see someone or take meds...just was not happy in a marriage and made the decision to get out of it). I think because i don't have kids....I am used to putting 'me' first...BUT....at work.....that is another story. For some reason, I seem to get my hands into everything to 'help' out and I end up bringing the work home to do. I have a busy enough job but I just keep taking on more and more......and then I get mad and ***** about it to my friends...when it is my own fault. I have not found that I eat out of being depressed, I eat out of being bored....sitting in front of the TV or 'doing my work paperwork at home'.....!! Go figure!! So I need to keep my hands busy....I try to knit or make jewelry in front of the TV and that helps. Being a nurse, guess I am used to caring for people, so I don't seem to mind.I have learned to say no...to family or friends...and that took a while to learn to do that. I actually like myself, am a fairly happy person and I do put myself first....but I do take care of others too. Guess I am fortunate that way. Maybe it is because I come home to 9 cats that keep me company and make me laugh!!! Guess it is my 'cat therapy' that helps me out!!!!

Wishing you all well!!

Nancy

Karen! I love the new profile picture! So cute.

I am definitely not as wrapped up in everyone else's needs as I once was. Before I had my own family, I was worried sick about my immediate family members all the time and tried to take control/charge and do whatever I could (if anything) to help them. I have grown up a lot since then and moving away helped. Having my own family has been the biggest change now though because I don't have the time or energy and I honestly see now I can't make people change.

Obviously, as a mother, you put your child's needs first. That is just the way it is. I am fine with that but do see myself turning to food out of frustration sometimes. Usually it is when I am tired and just want to go to sleep and she doesn't. As I have said before, food has a calming affect on me, so I reach for it to calm my anxiety in certain situations. Never in social situations as I am a closet eater.

Anyhow, the biggest obstacle I face, and this is why I stopped going last year, is I want to exercise and that means leaving my daughter with my husband after work. I am trying something new now where I really only try to be gone for an hour so he doesn't feel so burdened, but I feel guilty or worried the whole time I am gone. That is where I am struggling with my needs and his needs. If I had it my way, I would be going to the gym or an exercise class every night after work. I am getting addicted again.

Okay, so by now, many of you may have read the blog I wrote a few years about about this pivotal moment in my life... I woke up one day and realized I'd neglected everything. i went from being my parent's child to my siblings' big sis to girlfriend to wife to mother - but never was I JUST CARLY. I had no idea how to go about just being me. I was always called generous and selfless and a hard worker, because I didn't know how to keep anything for me. I gave every ounce of me away.

My now ex-husband and I had been married 3 or so years, separated, eventually reconciled, and had our daughter around our 5th anniversary. When kiddo was born, we both poured everything into her, keeping nothing for the marriage, keeping nothing for ourselves (he kept some for himself, but in my experience, generally men suffer the sacrificial mother trait less, unless with extenuating circumstances). Needless to say, the marriage crumbled eventually.

I woke up one day and realized that my daughter had never seen me be me, just for me, not putting her dad's needs before my own, not rearranging my schedule and budget to make sure hers was priority. I realized that I had learned this from watching my mother, and I decided in that very second that I would not let my daughter grow up into the same mess. It seemed to be working, then outside influences stepped in, and everything went to hell. I hope someday she figures out the lesson I was trying to teach without feeling abandoned and resentful...

Regardless. I have always been the confidant, the friend everyone went to, the go-to girl on volunteer projects, etc., etc., etc. I am slightly empathic/sympathetic in that I absorb the emotions from any situation, whether they be good, bad, ugly, or in between. In junior high, this threatened to send me into a spiral. Fortunately, it was pointed out to me, and I learned to close myself off somewhat, barely surviving. I still do this when friends are upset, but I think the flip side of this coin is that when I work hard to get others motivated and excited, I get motivated and excited too.

I repeatedly minimize my own needs - seemingly at random and subconsciously. I bite my tongue to stall a fight. I don't get my medications so we can buy "xyz." I spend countless hours helping my fiance batten down the hatches of his shattered emotional life (thanks to abusive and neglectful childhood, etc.), so many hours that I forget to make sure I have fuel in my own boat's engine or to put my sails out.

Have you heard the statement, "In case of emergency, secure your own breathing mask before helping anyone else with theirs..."? This statement has always horrified me. Why on the Gods' green earth would I do that? My daughter's life was more important than mine. A stranger's was. My "job" was to sacrifice...it is what I was always taught. Even though I now understand the logic behind this statement, it still doesn't "sit easy" with me to agree with the sentiment. Aren't we judged on this earth by what we give to others? Let's all hope I'm never put to the test because I'm not sure I'd pass it.

I cook dinner and clean, when sometimes all I'd like to do is bust open a can of soup. Going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink makes me feel guilty as hell. I literally have to work out at work on my breaks because stealing any other time away leaves me neglecting something else, whether rightfully or not. I feel guilty taking vacation time off from work. I hate going to the doctor because it inconveniences EVERYONE in some way. Even showers are on my hit list - could there be a bigger waste of time? Oh, yeah, fixing my hair and make-up, neither of which I do. I rarely feel "better" after a shower, so I have learned to loathe them. Just one more damned chore I have to do that takes time away from EVERY SINGLE OTHER THING I HAVE TO DO.

I hope you'll pardon the language, but I seriously hate having to act like a selfish ***** just to take a few minutes to myself. Even when it is encouraged by those in my life, I still feel bad, like I should be doing something else. More often than not, my own sleep is what I sacrifice. I know that I am a caregiver by nature, and I have taken back so much of what makes me ME, but I still wonder, what would my life look like if standing up for myself across the board wasn't something that made me despise myself? Not to say that I'm a pushover, but it is far easier to fight for someone else than myself.

I work daily to break this cycle, but somehow fighting all my habits (my nature?) on a daily basis is just even more exhausting than leaving nothing for myself. I wish that my mother had taught me to steal time for myself every day...and to refuse to feel guilty for it. I was a more fulfilled and better mother for returning to work. I had a longer temper with my daughter and knew she loved school, and all that. Why can I not continue to do that? For years, I felt I had to justify that decision. I know some of that is society's expectations, some of it is environmental - how I was raised, and some just seemed "comfortable."

I am getting better about little things. I used some medical reimbursement money to get some things I really needed, and I don't feel but a whisper guilty that I didn't use it on anyone else. Sometimes I get the fruit I need even though it means my household may have one less item or something... I am working to banish guilt from my daily life, but it isn't easy...I feel guilty about feeling less guilty! How's that for irony?

Anyway...I guess I'll respond some in another post to other posters as this is already way too long...lol. (Maybe later - this took longer than I expected, and now I have to wrap up some work and calm down...)



But, I will say one thing...please, please, please don't think I'm attacking you -- these words come from experience (an almost 14-year old daughter who hates me now because she is no longer the center and pivot point of my universe - hates me for dethroning her - and will probably not have anything to do with me until she is and adult and decides that maybe I did get a clue, if a little too late for everyone... )

Heather - I fundamentally disagree that a mother's needs must ALWAYS be secondary to her child's/children's. A child's physical needs - food, clothing, shelter, yes, I agree. But the child needing another book read or clothes washed or _________________ fill in the favorite request/demand here, no, I don't agree with that. Let me ask you this - do you want your child to do exactly what you do - put everyone else first and turn to food (or worse, in today's society, drugs) in order to cope? Or do you want to teach them the right lessons, while they are still impressionable and easily adaptable to not being in the driver's seat? We have to lead by example with children. They will ALWAYS mimic what we DO before what we SAY. I personally made this mistake for too many years... When you stop and think about the best kiddo you want your child to become - YOU MUST MAKE THE CHOICE NOW TO LIVE THAT LIFE FOR YOURSELF....or the child will never see a true example. Even now, my chest is tight saying this. I've dealt with a lot of pain, anguish, grief, and hatred in the last 3-5 years, but damn it, I deserve to have a life, too, whatever that means.

Sorry, all, for the soap box, but if what I write can stop one single person from going through what I've been through, it will be worth it...

Carly in overcast OK, thinking the grey skies match her current mood... Alas, "Sound of Madness," here we come!

Dee, you're wonderfully messed up and human. Me too! Thank you for being part of my super special messed up club!


K.

Oh Karen, you made me laugh so hard with that. Thank you, I needed that