Seven years ago
I put faith in a surgeon to help me start changing my life. I had hit rock bottom and couldn't do it alone. I had ballooned up to nearly 400 lbs. He gave me a tool that allowed me to diet my way out of being super morbidly obese. It took me a long time to lose over 200lbs, a good 3 years. Why ? Because just like with any diet you can fall off track and make bad choices. But i got back up and kept on going. I hit goal and didn't like my face..i have told you all that before...and have had a bit of gain which i also don't like....but let me tell you something I didn't tell you. The head trips you go through post op are much harder than weight loss surgery or losing weight. Much harder. I had to face my whole entire life and trust me that is much harder than any diet you will ever be on. In order to successfully lose and keep my weight off I had to face my demons and relearn how to think about myself and the world around me.
Losing weight isn't all about adopting a new eating lifestyle. Weight loss surgery doesn't work to its full potential until you fix your mind. I had to look in the mirror and face my harshest critic...myself. I had to realize why I got fat in the first place. Why I neglected myself, my health, my sacred temple. Neglect for me was a learned thing. I learned it as a child from a negligent parent. I was the embodiment of a lifetime of abandonment. I learned it from negligent relationships with most everyone in my life, and always abandoned in the end. My body learned to adapt and store and I was obese all of my entire adult life. I became super morbidly obese when I realized I married a man who neglected me..as a woman, a man who cannot express love and emotionally has abandoned me. I sold myself short and settled for less than I deserved. But somewhere deep down inside I decided I loved myself and knew i had to change or die in my own prison of neglect. I decided to not abandon myself.
Weight loss surgery started that ball rolling...but I had to also do a lot of work on myself. I had to deal with all the pain that i was hiding from under my layers of fat. I had to deal with my feelings. Deep feelings of anger, resentment, deep deep pain and feelings of not being worthy of being loved. I had to learn to believe that I am lovable. That I am a kind loving incredible woman and deserve to be treated as such. I had to learn that people treat you how you teach them to treat you. I learned that in order to be treated with love kindness and respect...and I had to start treating myself that way first. I also learned that I do not have to accept anything or anyone in my life that treats me as less than I deserve. I had to discover a place inside of myself that such feelings grow and I had to start nurturing myself in that place so that I could start healing. That place has been discovered and through nurturing hard work, self discovery, counseling and more often than I like to admit watered by my tears...I am growing and becoming comfortable in this body. Daily I learn to be kind to myself in ways I didn't know I need. I forgive myself for my shortcomings and every day I strive to do something that brings ME joy. And every day i look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love me. That I deserve the best life I can dream..and daily I believe it more and more.

So here is to my Rebirthday...i love re birth day...i penned that a long time ago when I thought surgiversary sounded so sterile...Today is truly my 7th Rebirthday...and I sit here and i dream of my new dreams...my travels..my hopes...and someday true freedom of heart body and soul.

Still working on me

July 31st

2007- 2014