I'm back - sort of - looking for some feedback
castadiva
Posts: 2,016 Member
...Which I may or may not like, I know! Sorry I've been away so long, but I need opinions from people who are actually looking at/using dating sites on a reasonably regular basis, and you guys are my best bet! Long post alert, by the way (do I ever write anything less?!)
Background: I signed up for 'My Single Friend' a couple of months ago, but it was singularly unsuccessful, so I edited my profile, with the help of a close, straight male friend (my big brother stand-in, zero romantic interest from either side) a few weeks back. He liked what I ended up with, and that's been marginally - but very marginally - more successful (a grand total of three messages or responses). I have put up a selection of photos, have been using the site regularly, have 'favourited' various profiles and sent a few - not huge numbers, but a few - initial messages.
A good female friend, who admittedly is exceptionally literal in her viewpoint/doesn't pick up on social/conversational cues awfully well, looked at my profile yesterday, and said it was absolutely dreadful... I'd like to know what you think! Clearly it's not working, so is it a case of big changes, minor tweaking, or just not the right site?!
NB: I can't change the middle section - what Harriet wrote about me - although I could ask her to alter it. This is also a British site, so self-deprecating humour of some sort is almost obligatory! Length seems to be about average for this site, and my target range of men, which I've left pretty wide. Section titles are set by the site, and I have used my real name there, but changed it here to my nom de plume. Here goes...
A few interesting things about me...
Books, covers...you know the drill! Don't let the profession put you off - I promise any diva-like behaviour stays firmly at work (well, mostly...) and I'm actually a fairly sane and easygoing individual, whose tastes and interests are wide-ranging. I do, however, take certain things very seriously indeed; if your idea of coffee is instant only, we're probably not an ideal match, ditto if the last thing you read was the required reading for your A-levels. If neither of those caveats apply, do read on!
What my friend says about me...
Harriet said that your taste is more....
Book than Kindle
Downton Abbey than X Factor
Chocolate than Cheese
English rose than Fake tan
Brains than Beauty
Harriet also had this to say about you...
Castadiva is a woman of myriad talents. Not only is she an opera singer, she is culturally savvy and a sublime cook.
Never one to turn down a glass of red, or a Hot Toddy when the mood takes her, Castadiva is all about fun, laughter, debate and intellectual stimulation.
She is a town mouse and will never turn down a trip to a museum, gallery or theatre, but also loves days out in the countryside. She's a dedicated reeler, donning her tartan and loves a man in a sporran - her fiery Scottish blood captivates all those on the dance floor!
Castadiva is looking for her best friend; someone to share her hopes and dreams and life's ups and downs with. This 'donna' is bella!!!
To which you responded...
Harriet's in advertising - can you tell? ;-)
Other friends have described me as outgoing, laid-back, kind and zesty (not entirely sure what that last is meant to mean - orange, lemon, lime?!)
I find it hard to resist a good discussion about virtually any subject under the sun (though I should warn you that the intricacies of the offside rule remain unrevealed to me) and always look to find the funny side of life.
I grew up in New Zealand, and have been fortunate enough to travel widely, mastering a few tongues along the way. I sing opera, love jazz, and I'll listen to almost anything... at least once.
When not warbling or working, I like to catch up with friends over a lunch or dinner party, see a play, concert, ballet or film - though please don't make me watch any horror movies - or attend an exhibition, lecture or grand historic pile.
Sometimes though, just enjoying a book and a picnic in the sun is my favourite way to spend a lazy afternoon. I love to dance - not just reeling - and enjoy skiing, tennis (no talent, much enthusiasm!) and any chance to get out on the water, or into the countryside.
If you enjoy the silly and serious sides of life in equal measure, and you're looking for someone to share the world's peculiarities and pleasures with, send me a message, and tell me something interesting - which person, living or dead, you'd most like to meet, and why, for example - and we'll see where that leads us!
End Profile
Any thoughts????
Background: I signed up for 'My Single Friend' a couple of months ago, but it was singularly unsuccessful, so I edited my profile, with the help of a close, straight male friend (my big brother stand-in, zero romantic interest from either side) a few weeks back. He liked what I ended up with, and that's been marginally - but very marginally - more successful (a grand total of three messages or responses). I have put up a selection of photos, have been using the site regularly, have 'favourited' various profiles and sent a few - not huge numbers, but a few - initial messages.
A good female friend, who admittedly is exceptionally literal in her viewpoint/doesn't pick up on social/conversational cues awfully well, looked at my profile yesterday, and said it was absolutely dreadful... I'd like to know what you think! Clearly it's not working, so is it a case of big changes, minor tweaking, or just not the right site?!
NB: I can't change the middle section - what Harriet wrote about me - although I could ask her to alter it. This is also a British site, so self-deprecating humour of some sort is almost obligatory! Length seems to be about average for this site, and my target range of men, which I've left pretty wide. Section titles are set by the site, and I have used my real name there, but changed it here to my nom de plume. Here goes...
A few interesting things about me...
Books, covers...you know the drill! Don't let the profession put you off - I promise any diva-like behaviour stays firmly at work (well, mostly...) and I'm actually a fairly sane and easygoing individual, whose tastes and interests are wide-ranging. I do, however, take certain things very seriously indeed; if your idea of coffee is instant only, we're probably not an ideal match, ditto if the last thing you read was the required reading for your A-levels. If neither of those caveats apply, do read on!
What my friend says about me...
Harriet said that your taste is more....
Book than Kindle
Downton Abbey than X Factor
Chocolate than Cheese
English rose than Fake tan
Brains than Beauty
Harriet also had this to say about you...
Castadiva is a woman of myriad talents. Not only is she an opera singer, she is culturally savvy and a sublime cook.
Never one to turn down a glass of red, or a Hot Toddy when the mood takes her, Castadiva is all about fun, laughter, debate and intellectual stimulation.
She is a town mouse and will never turn down a trip to a museum, gallery or theatre, but also loves days out in the countryside. She's a dedicated reeler, donning her tartan and loves a man in a sporran - her fiery Scottish blood captivates all those on the dance floor!
Castadiva is looking for her best friend; someone to share her hopes and dreams and life's ups and downs with. This 'donna' is bella!!!
To which you responded...
Harriet's in advertising - can you tell? ;-)
Other friends have described me as outgoing, laid-back, kind and zesty (not entirely sure what that last is meant to mean - orange, lemon, lime?!)
I find it hard to resist a good discussion about virtually any subject under the sun (though I should warn you that the intricacies of the offside rule remain unrevealed to me) and always look to find the funny side of life.
I grew up in New Zealand, and have been fortunate enough to travel widely, mastering a few tongues along the way. I sing opera, love jazz, and I'll listen to almost anything... at least once.
When not warbling or working, I like to catch up with friends over a lunch or dinner party, see a play, concert, ballet or film - though please don't make me watch any horror movies - or attend an exhibition, lecture or grand historic pile.
Sometimes though, just enjoying a book and a picnic in the sun is my favourite way to spend a lazy afternoon. I love to dance - not just reeling - and enjoy skiing, tennis (no talent, much enthusiasm!) and any chance to get out on the water, or into the countryside.
If you enjoy the silly and serious sides of life in equal measure, and you're looking for someone to share the world's peculiarities and pleasures with, send me a message, and tell me something interesting - which person, living or dead, you'd most like to meet, and why, for example - and we'll see where that leads us!
End Profile
Any thoughts????
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Replies
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I am engaged now and have not used a dating site in almost two years now. I'm not sure if that is relevant or not. I personally would have passed on contacting you. (I hope this isn't offensive. It is not intended to be.) I have a PhD and am articulate and know how to think. I am analytical but not necessarily well-read. I would have been turned off by this caption in the first paragraph:"if your idea of coffee is instant only, we're probably not an ideal match, ditto if the last thing you read was the required reading for your A-levels. If neither of those caveats apply, do read on!"
Do you really want to be telling someone you are so selective that the type of coffee one drinks is a deal breaker?
This description by Harriet also says (to me) that you value culture most highly and that I like to argue and may very well be a prima donna."Never one to turn down a glass of red, or a Hot Toddy when the mood takes her, Castadiva is all about fun, laughter, debate and intellectual stimulation."
After those two items the profile seems pleasant and informative. I might suggest getting rid of the question about which person living or dead you'd like to meet. The answers could be pretty serious and can be a bit more cerebral than most guys want to get in an introductory message. From a guys perspective, you get about one response out of every 20 or 30 messages you send. You don't want to write a bunch of stuff if there's a 95+% chance you are going to be ignored anyway.0 -
Not offensive at all, and thanks for the feedback, dbrightwell12 (and congrats on the engagement!). I'd intended the first section you quoted to be light-hearted, but I can see how you might arrive at the reading you got - tone is so difficult to convey in these things! Interesting read of Harriet's sentence, too. More difficult to change that, alas.
The question thing - I've had one really good response to that, but he poofed after I responded to his message. I thought maybe it was helpful - something to talk about instead of very forced "erm, hi, how are you?" stuff (especially for the average British male!), and it would provide a bit more insight up front than the usual chit-chat, but perhaps not...0 -
I didn't get the tone. I'm not sure how the profiles play out in London but around here there are dozens of profiles that just reflect bitterness and frustration that start out with things like "If this is your idea of a good time, don't contact me" If all you're looking for is a hook up go away." etc. It got to the point that if you see something that starts off with a reason not to contact the writer that you assume there are enough issues there that you do not contact them.
The second quote that I cited from your friend may not present you as potentially "high maintenance" if the first part is modified in someway to convey a more light hearted tone. Once I saw the part about we may not be a good match if you like instant coffee and don't like to read, seeing stuff about enjoying wine, debate and intellectual stimulation just made me think "Yikes! This gal is a know-it-all who likes to argue, wants you to take her out for fancier alcohol and is going to be really demanding"0 -
Hi hun, welcome back! :flowerforyou:
I agree with David. I also bypass profiles that dwell on the negative. Saying things like 'read on' is dismissive and the coffee reference sounds pompous and trivial all at the same time. I mean, would it really be a deal breaker if the guy of your dreams drinks instant?? It doesnt come across as light hearted humour...... :noway:
Better to sort that kind of detail once you start getting responses. You will know very soon if the guy is able to hold a conversation, or not. And sometimes you will find that you fall in love with someone that is nowhere near what you 'thought' was your ideal anyhow!
I'd even take the reeling out, if you can. It implies an elite lifestyle which would only appeal a tiny selection of men. Leave it general to just dancing. Again, at this point, you need to provoke interest and not put people off by little things which may not interest them at all.
I would even change your name, leaving the 'diva' out! Again,it conjures up a 'high maintenance' image that can/ will put men off.
Get the responses, get the date, then you can separate the wheat from the chaff :flowerforyou:0 -
Hmmmm this sounds more like "About the Author" section. My advice on profiles is always to keep it light and FUN. Whether youre compatible in conversation, or physically or emotionally, well that will definitely be apparent during one on one conversation whether it's through messaging or first date.
Congrats David!!!!0 -
Interesting stuff - I might just delete the introduction completely. It's not essential, and it's clearly not reading well.
Anna - I'm listed under my real name - I just changed it to Castadiva to post here!
ETA. I've deleted the intro. Let's see if I get a few more bites!0 -
Your tone should probably also depends on the general tone of the website...
It's worth looking at men/women profiles yourself and imagine which ones you would and wouldn't contact, and why - and try to do the same in your profile.
The friend part... You don't have to play "fair" (the goal is to find a date after all), so in reality you can probably just tell her what to write - mostly.
As a general rule, when you are doing a sale, you just want to reveal enough about you so as to pique interest. I think you're way beyond that.
Most people are lazy, in a rush, and while you think you're awesome and worth 5 minutes of everyone's time (who doesn't!), most people don't know the outcome of a date with you before going on a date with you... So my advice is to keep the profile short and fun (so that people can get a "quick overview" of who you are).
Keep in mind people are browsing 100s profiles (it's a number game), so they realistically can't spend 5 minutes on each profile.
Also, the less you tell about yourself, the less likely you are to screw up (sales 101).
I should add that I - personally - don't think it is necessary too long, but again it depends on the context of the website.
People will write you off for many different reasons (the famous "Uggh... Okay... Next!" - remember, the exit is always 1 click away), so better keep the profile short so that they don't find too many reasons to do so (thus agree with dbright comments).
Also pictures are really important, so I suppose it also depends on what's going on with that.0 -
A variety of pics up, flimflam - head & shoulders and full-length (I have learned some things from this group along the way!
), and I did try to emulate the general feel of profiles that interested me. This seems to be about standard length for this website, though I do take your point. Trying to appeal to a wide range by giving a fair amount of info may be counterproductive in this situation. 0 -
I think people are perhaps too defensive on those websites, and most of us have been burnt before/don't want to waste our time...A variety of pics up, flimflam - head & shoulders and full-length (I have learned some things from this group along the way! ), and I did try to emulate the general feel of profiles that interested me. This seems to be about standard length for this website, though I do take your point. Trying to appeal to a wide range by giving a fair amount of info may be counterproductive in this situation.
So we will really write people off for *anything*. Any spelling mistake, detail they reveal about themselves, choice of word, etc. Anything we can find that we dislike.
I'm sure in truth there are many missed opportunities because of that.
At any rate, because it is easier to change a profile than the psychology of the entire Human race, I normally opt for shorter, goofy and less revealing profiles (although there is the odd reference/hook here and there in my profile for those in the know).0 -
Actually I thought it was cute, funny and interesting. I'm also a coffee connoisseur so the instant coffee comment didn't bother me. To each their own! :flowerforyou:
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I think it's pretty good!
The only suggestion I would have is to perhaps get rid of the intro or give it a more positive tone. I got in the habit of not replying to people who opened up with things that seemed negative. Yours isn't really that bad, but I think you could put a slight spin on it to be on the bright side. Self deprecating humor is good, but maybe bury it a little deeper.
Good luck!0 -
What is the "Harriet" part? That confuses me unless the Harriet part is like the dating site talking about you?
I agree, the negative stuff, although subtle, can be downing. You could spin it around and write "I love a good cup of coffee, none of the instant stuff please." That puts across the same message but less negative.
Additionally, just a pet peeve of mine - most people like both going out and staying in, so that doesn't need to be mentioned, even though it's the truth. People like someone who is decisive. You could express your interest in one or the other, and usually the unmentioned other is a given. For example, I, like other people, like to go out sometimes but mostly I'm a homebody. You could write, "My favorite thing is to be curled up in an armchair reading the latest mystery novel." You're opinionated, and not indecisive.0 -
Harriet is the friend who 'listed' me on My Single Friend, Christine- that particular site requires that a friend writes a profile for you, and then you can comment/elaborate further.
I've deleted the intro for now, and will see if that improves matters.0 -
It may not matter much at all. Here is one guy's experiment with online dating. The short version is if you're a male you are unlikely to be contacted at all and the chances of being contacted decline as your looks decline. If you are an attractive female you will be contacted a lot. If you are a somewhat attractive female you will be contacted some and if you are an unattractive female, you are in the same boat as unattractive males.
http://jonmillward.com/blog/attraction-dating/cupid-on-trial-a-4-month-online-dating-experiment/
Here's another one that found that looks matter and people are superficial:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/07/29/okcupid-profile-experiments-online-dating/13308865/0 -
Oh, that's cheering...:noway: : Ah well, I'd say I'm moderately attractive, so that should put me in the 'some' contact basket - there is hope...!:laugh:0
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That's why I'm a proponent of "contacting people you like regardless of gender".The short version is if you're a male you are unlikely to be contacted at all and the chances of being contacted decline as your looks decline. If you are an attractive female you will be contacted a lot. If you are a somewhat attractive female you will be contacted some and if you are an unattractive female, you are in the same boat as unattractive males.
That said, I suppose people's time is better spent at the gym and shopping for designer clothes rather in front of the computer with online dating (given the ROI when you are deemed attractive).
What really annoys me is that most people will understand and accept to work hard for their health or career - but relationships are nearly always considered second class citizens and left to luck ("everyone finds someone someday", they say).
Because finding the right person with who you're supposed to sleep, share thoughts and spend the next 5-10-20 years should be left to luck and deserves less attention than your career, right?0 -
It may not matter much at all. Here is one guy's experiment with online dating. The short version is if you're a male you are unlikely to be contacted at all and the chances of being contacted decline as your looks decline. If you are an attractive female you will be contacted a lot. If you are a somewhat attractive female you will be contacted some and if you are an unattractive female, you are in the same boat as unattractive males.
http://jonmillward.com/blog/attraction-dating/cupid-on-trial-a-4-month-online-dating-experiment/
Here's another one that found that looks matter and people are superficial:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/07/29/okcupid-profile-experiments-online-dating/13308865/
I happened upon this "Dear Abby" type letter online today and couldn't help but think back to this comment.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/blog/2014/08/love_letters_hes_hot_im_not.html#comments0 -
My honest opinion. I don't know you. You don't know me. No offense intended, in any way. Here goes:
I got bored reading the "Harriet' part. While the sentence about intellectual stimulation somewhat piqued my interest, it quickly waned.
As for the coffee bit....didn't give it a second thought.
Overall, it was quite lengthy, and I stopped reading and started skimming.
Save the $40 words for an actual conversation. I like to think myself quite an adept conversationalist, but when you're goal is to attract interest......it just came off as semi-pompous. I can cross verbal swords with anyone, and love a woman that can match me. But I just wasn't interested, as a whole.
Again, I mean no disrespect or offense. It's not YOU I didn't find interesting. Just the blurb. In the future, don't dangle the bait quite so high. Regardless of one's education or intelligence, your desire is to attract.0
