I want to start this out by saying I have a dear friend who is my inspiration for doing what I did at yoga class on Sunday. She consistently identifies her fears, and then faces them. I have been following in her foot steps, so when something scares me, I do it. Some examples in the past year and a half include participating in a yoga demonstration-- in public-- surrounded by skinny, beauitful, young women and I weighed 300 pounds at the time; going horse back riding when horses scare the crap out of me; and saying yes when I was asked to speak at a meeting when I would have preferred to sit quietly in the background.

Sunday's fear?-- exposing my body. In yoga class Sunday I wore a sports bra and shorts. Yes, I know-- "what's the big deal?"-- but I have NEVER been in public wearing so little. EVER. I was terrified. I was in the locker room having a mental argument with myself about whether or not I could go through with it. I was physically shaking when I walked into the yoga room. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and walked in anyway. No one laughed and pointed. No one ran shrieking in horror from the room. It was ok. In fact, one of my yoga friends mentioned after class how great I looked and how she has never been (despite being a petite, fit woman) able to have the courage to wear what I did.

During class, I had to continually bring my awareness back to my practice-- because the self talk I was engaged in about my body was UGLY. "Your stomach looks so gross" "You are still so flabby!" "You really should leave the room and change- no one wants to see your fat, white rolls!" I had to keep "shushing" my inner critic and had to keep breathing, just to be able to get through class. And I got through it.

For me, the lesson is not about how I look since I lost weight-- it is about learning to accept who I am without judgment. It is about loving myself and feeling good in my own skin-- regardless of how I "compare" to our cultural ideals of beauty. It is about facing fears and finding out the reality of doing so is a lot less frightening than the stories I tell myself in my head.

And then yesterday, after that tremendous experience what did I do? Ate my face off!! Seriously.... just ate and ate and ate. I knew it was anxiety backlash. I knew it was me wanting those layers back to hide under. So, today I am practicing a lot of kindness towards myself. Took the time to meditate this morning. Doing a lot of breathing and noticing how tense and "on alert" I have felt since yesterday. Plan to have a quiet evening after work tonight to give me time to sit with any leftover anxiety, thank it for increasing my awareness, and then release it. The work continues....