Out-of-town family visitors--Help!?!
kicklikeaGIRL
Posts: 867 Member
I need some input...... on out-of-town family visitors after baby is born........
My family REALLLY wants to come visit when the baby is born. They live in Minnesota, I live in California. If they had it their way they would be out here for the delivery and want to see the baby in the hospital. But....since they are traveling from far, they have to fly and set a specific date to come. I'd prefer they come at the end of January (baby is Due Dec 30th), and I wanted some bonding/adjusting time first. But of course, they are making me feel guilty and calling me selfish. They say I'm being paranoid, I'm stressing out over nothing, and they are just so excited to see the baby that I should stop being so selfish. I obviously want my family to see my baby....and if they lived closer I could let them come and then kick them out. When they come in from out of town they are here for a whole WEEK, just constantly needing to be at my house to get every minute possible with the new baby. And quite frankly, I want alone time.
Here are my issues.... are they legit?
1) First, my family is very loud and overbearing at times. My husband has had to make quite the adjustment over the years. When they come and visit, I have to usually be a master hostess. And they argue all the time and...honestly....they just like to see who can be the loudest. I really just want some weeks of quiet in the beginning. And...my husband and friends are willing to pick up the slack (laundry, cleaning, food).
2) An issue my family is pressuring me about is the fact that my dad started a new job and is insistent that they need to come January 5th (5 days after baby's due date, and there are good chances baby might not even be here by then). He has to be back to work by January 11th.
3) January is flu season, and since my mom has some high stress problems, it leads her to no sleep, and then she gets sick ALL THE TIME and is coughing non-stop. She says she just has allergies, but I don't want her coughing and sneezing all over and around baby.
4) My mom wants to stay and help, which I am somewhat nervous about..... because she is very self-conscious and tends to off-set that with nervous laughter and making fun of others around her. (I had an eating disorder highly associated with her attitudes towards me and my body growing up). I'm worried that with me being in recovery, adjusting to my body being completely destroyed after pushing a baby out and being a new mom and not knowing what I'm doing...that she's going to laugh and giggle and say "oh how i remember the days" or judge me on my parenting skills--which I will know nearly nothing about. Or she's going to make me feel like a woman's body is "weird" and "so disgusting" and "ugly" like she always does.
What would you do??
My family REALLLY wants to come visit when the baby is born. They live in Minnesota, I live in California. If they had it their way they would be out here for the delivery and want to see the baby in the hospital. But....since they are traveling from far, they have to fly and set a specific date to come. I'd prefer they come at the end of January (baby is Due Dec 30th), and I wanted some bonding/adjusting time first. But of course, they are making me feel guilty and calling me selfish. They say I'm being paranoid, I'm stressing out over nothing, and they are just so excited to see the baby that I should stop being so selfish. I obviously want my family to see my baby....and if they lived closer I could let them come and then kick them out. When they come in from out of town they are here for a whole WEEK, just constantly needing to be at my house to get every minute possible with the new baby. And quite frankly, I want alone time.
Here are my issues.... are they legit?
1) First, my family is very loud and overbearing at times. My husband has had to make quite the adjustment over the years. When they come and visit, I have to usually be a master hostess. And they argue all the time and...honestly....they just like to see who can be the loudest. I really just want some weeks of quiet in the beginning. And...my husband and friends are willing to pick up the slack (laundry, cleaning, food).
2) An issue my family is pressuring me about is the fact that my dad started a new job and is insistent that they need to come January 5th (5 days after baby's due date, and there are good chances baby might not even be here by then). He has to be back to work by January 11th.
3) January is flu season, and since my mom has some high stress problems, it leads her to no sleep, and then she gets sick ALL THE TIME and is coughing non-stop. She says she just has allergies, but I don't want her coughing and sneezing all over and around baby.
4) My mom wants to stay and help, which I am somewhat nervous about..... because she is very self-conscious and tends to off-set that with nervous laughter and making fun of others around her. (I had an eating disorder highly associated with her attitudes towards me and my body growing up). I'm worried that with me being in recovery, adjusting to my body being completely destroyed after pushing a baby out and being a new mom and not knowing what I'm doing...that she's going to laugh and giggle and say "oh how i remember the days" or judge me on my parenting skills--which I will know nearly nothing about. Or she's going to make me feel like a woman's body is "weird" and "so disgusting" and "ugly" like she always does.
What would you do??
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Replies
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I sympathise with all of this. Being my first, I don't know how I'm going to respond/cope with new baby and we are trying to find a balance with inviting long distance relatives as well - although they are in no way being pushy in the way that it sounds yours are. Ultimately, I think you have to be selfish and ensure that you get the time that you need with baby - although to play devils advocate, asking them to wait a month is quite a long time if they are excited to meet the new arrival
In terms of your issues, I think the flu season one is completely relevant - particularly if you know that you mum is vulnerable to it. Your little one won't have built up the resistance to such things so I think you are totally fair to say that they can't come near if they are ill in any way. Timing of the visit is tricky - 5 days after due date is very soon and as you say, may result in no baby being available!
You also have to be firm in terms of your expectations when they are here. You won't want or be able to be a 'master hostess' - we have told all our family and friends that they will be expected to fend for themselves in the early days - 'if you want a cup of tea, you know where the kettle is' kind of thing!!
Overall, it's hard but I believe you have to be firm and lay down your rules early on. Can your husband help with this - might they be more amenable to listening to him outlining why some of what they are trying to do is unreasonable?
Sorry, I don't know whether this is helpful - bottom line is that I don't think you are being unreasonable!0 -
I read the first few sentences and totally agreed with you already. I wouldn't care if they thought I was being selfish. First of all, theres nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes, especially when people don't have enough sense to be considerate in the first place. My mom is pretty overbearing and even she will give us our space when the baby comes. She is more than willing to come stay the night when we want her to so we can get some sleep.
I really hope you can stand your ground and do what YOU want. This isn't about them.0 -
My first was 10 days late and my second was 2 months early. All our family is long distance.
With our first, I felt like they wanted to know the exact day I would go into labour and since I couldn't tell them, they decided I was hiding it. We said we didn't want anyone staying with us for the first week because we wanted both of us to feel confident in our abilities to do stuff. I was kind of afraid of one parent criticizing my husband and then he would never want to do any of it. We did say they were welcome to come and stay in a hotel. My ILs chose to drive up when labour started ( 10 hour drive). They stayed 3 days in a hotel and visited 1-2 hours each day. Good she was very helpful. One thing that encouraged my mom to come later than my ILs was that she really wanted to help while they just wanted to see the brand new baby. I told her to wait a week because my husband was home for the first week and I would like the help after that.
With my second, realization kicked in that I do not know what day I will go into labour. We now lived on opposite coasts so the distance was much further. My ILs decided to drive their motor home out and tour the area for the month around my due date. I told my mom that if she wanted to see a baby for sure, to book for 2 weeks after my due date. She decided to come see our new place 8 weeks prior to delivery and a second trip for 2 weeks after due date. My mom ended up changing her tickets because 2 days before she was supposed to come, I was hospitalized. She came out immediately to help with my older one so my husband could still work. She also changed her leave date so she stayed with us a month, almost the whole NICU stay. I thought she would drive us nuts but I can never repay her for how much help she was during that time. When she left, my ILs arrived. They were not as much help but they still helped a lot with cleaning, both kids and meals. They stayed in their motorhome. They also only stayed for 3 days each week for that month and then they would go to a different part of the state for the next 4 days.
With my first, I was very happy to have the time to ourselves and figure out our groove and get confidence in basic baby handling without feeling intimidated by either set of parents.
With my second, I was very happy to have them around right away because they were so much help with my older child or could take the baby so I could spend 1-on-1 time with my older child.0 -
I can totally understand where you're coming from. All of my family is from out of town. We still haven't decided who's coming when, where they're staying, etc. But I am a little worried about it. I would love my family to see the baby, but at the same time I know we will be learning a lot being first time parents and might need alone time. All I can say is that it's ok to be selfish at times-- and I think this is one of those times.0
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Thanks for the feedback! After chilling out and talking to my husband...he's on board with me in making sure my family knows my wishes. I told them that I obviously cannot guarantee when the baby makes it's entrance, and I would like a minimum of a week for just me and the husband with the baby. And if we haven't had that week or if the baby hasn't come by the time they were planning to come, then they will have to change their flights for a later date. I'll admit...I had a total freak-out moment when my mother told me that if she got sick, she could just wear a mask....I was like "NO FREAKING WAY". Paranoid new momma on the loose!
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All of my family is out of town. Family is really tough. And you need that time to adjust, so they should respect it. You may even end up late, like you said , and they wouldn't even see the baby at all!
With my first was induced at 40+6 and told everyone it was at 4. I left the AM part out of that. While we didn't mind people coming to the hospital to visit, we did mind them sticking around. My mom and sister stayed a few extra days to help, my in laws stayed 3 extra days, and my dad and step mom showed up the morning I was induced and stayed for two days. It was terrible. And so many people visited the hospital that in a 24hr period I had 1hr of sleep.
This time around we've talked about just my mom and sister coming out first because we need someone to watch my daughter. And we're leaning towards everyone else having to wait about 3 weeks or so. We have to adjust and so does my daughter. I don't want anyone coming to the hospital at all either.
Stick to what you believe your little family (you, hubby, and baby) needs. Everyone else needs to learn they're next in line now!0 -
All my family lives in another state and thankfully they all agreed to come after; in fact my in-laws decided to come out for Easter (our daughter was born in Feb). My dad being retired has flexibility to come out whenever and my mom's job is somewhat flexible and doesn't need a ton of time in advance to work getting off. They'd agreed to come 1-2 weeks after she was born to give us time to ourselves. But when she ended up in the hospital for almost a week, we called in desperation and they were out the very next day! They took care of the dogs so friends didn't have to; cleaned the house; brought us food in the hospital since I was technically discharged but allowed to stay with her (no more food for me); etc. It was great having that extra help sooner than anticipated but it was even more so because they were only there to help us, not get in our way as new parents.
We're expecting #2 in March and my in-laws again are going to come out for Easter. My parents will come whenever they're needed, but we'll probably have them come out as soon as it looks like #2 is on her way so they can help with our first daughter (we have friends to fill in until they get here). Hopefully no extended hospital stays this go around!
Hopefully you'll have the same success with your folks and in-laws and it will be a memorable, stress-free experience! Good luck!0 -
There are very few times in life, where you can warrant being selfish (and not feel toobad about it)...this is one of them. This is not about them or their needs, it is about yours, your husband's, and the baby's. Family or not, when they come out to see you, they are guests, and need to be considerate of YOUR feelings.0
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