Bittersweet accomplishment
wennim
Posts: 276 Member
Today I accomplished something that I know I should be proud of but I just can't seem to get past the being ashamed that the only reason I have been able to accomplish it was because I let myself get so out of control in the first place.
I am officially down 100 lbs. After the initial joy of seeing the scale finally tick to that magic number 100 lbs less than it was in March I started to think about what I had done to get here and in turn what happened to get me to the place that I was before. There is some genetics that lead to being overweight in my family but other than that there is no cut and dry reason why I am fat other than I was lazy and didn't care what I ate. There is no disease or injuries that prevented me from exercise.
I have no one else to blame but myself for the way I responded to life and even though I have accomplished this it is something I wouldn't have been able to do if I had taken care of myself all along. Too many years of putting everyone else first, unhealthy eating and not dealing with stress in a healthy manner. Is it really something to be proud of?
I am officially down 100 lbs. After the initial joy of seeing the scale finally tick to that magic number 100 lbs less than it was in March I started to think about what I had done to get here and in turn what happened to get me to the place that I was before. There is some genetics that lead to being overweight in my family but other than that there is no cut and dry reason why I am fat other than I was lazy and didn't care what I ate. There is no disease or injuries that prevented me from exercise.
I have no one else to blame but myself for the way I responded to life and even though I have accomplished this it is something I wouldn't have been able to do if I had taken care of myself all along. Too many years of putting everyone else first, unhealthy eating and not dealing with stress in a healthy manner. Is it really something to be proud of?
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Let go of the past and rejoice in your new place. You've done this! And, getting there was much harder for you than it was for people that never had to lose 100 lbs. That alone should be enough to celebrate. How many people can say they had the determination to lose 100 lbs? That is AWESOME! Congrats!0
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Although I know the place you come from.... you wouldn't need this if...... I'm right there with you. Please rejoice and don't beat yourself up. You hit an amazing milestone today. That is the past, not the present or future.0
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What I would say is that if you don't feel comfortable celebrating the loss, see if you can focus on all the mental and emotional progress you had to make for that change to be possible. Know that you will never reach the stage where you need to lose 100 pounds again because you have changed yourself and your way of thinking. You have bettered yourself. You are Wennim version 2.0, better, faster, stronger, and way more bad-@$$.... Because that's a helluva a thing to celebrate.
And I totally get you on not feeling the accomplishment of the 100 pounds, even though it is an incredible milestone. Every time someone comments on my 80+ pound loss, it feels fake and miserable. I'm not the person I was then, so feeling the change feels like I'm claiming someone else's accomplishments. Now the 20 pounds I've dropped since this software version of my brain has been installed? That I'll own any day of the week and twice on Sunday!
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Yep completey get it. I get loads of people telling me Im doing great and its spurred them on to do something and I think Pfft I shouldnt be congratulated for turning into an elephant in the first place. But yknow what sometimes life gets in the way and *kitten* happens. And you arent sitting there feeling sorry for yourself you are fighting back0
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More important than the number on the scale is that you have a new view of yourself. You have realized that you are important and you should make the time to take care of yourself. You made a positive change in your life. You could still be the person who was 100+ pounds more, but you chose to take control of your weight. You should be proud that you have accomplished what many people try and fail.0
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I didn't read everyones response but I did want to respond to the question of whether its worth being proud of.
F#*k Yes!
Of course it is.
You worked your bum off to get to this point. All the reasons aside as to why you got to the weight you did, the reason you are 100lbs lighter now then you were before is because you worked hard to do it. Thats as much a part of you and your character as are the reasons you got to the weight you did. The fact that you did something about it makes those reasons more important then the others you seem to be focusing on.
Yes you have no one else to blame for the weight you got to. You also have no one but yourself to thank for the weight you have dropped now. They aren't separate people.
Enough with this self diminishing blame. You are more then the reasons you got obese. Going over it does nothing for you other then let you break down your own accomplishments. With a 100lbs of fat gone, thats a lot of sense you could knock into someone (probably kill them in the process).
I know all the reasons why I was one big old fat *kitten*, and none of them I like. Plenty of them I still fear. But those are no more powerful and far less important then all the reasons we are both 100lbs lighter today.
So enjoy it and embrace it. Your no longer the fat person your blaming yourself for being, and until you invent time travel to go back and liberate all those years spent unhealthy, your just wasting more time worrying about it now.
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Thanks guys and Pat thanks for telling it like it is and not sugar coating it. I am going to try embrace the new me and stop being fixated on the past. We have all made mistakes in our pasts and those are what made us who we are today. For each of those mistakes there are just as many accomplishments and there will always be what ifs but that can't be changed. I am going to continue on this journey and make it my what if.
I did work my butt off (literally I am in a size smaller than I was when I had my first kid!) to get here. I have changed a lot more than just my size though. I don't dress in all dull colors anymore and try to blend in to the background at social gatherings. I don't get winded walking in from the parking lot or feel embarrassed to eat in public. I may still be obese by bmi standards but I am just as healthy if not healthier than some of the skinny women around here. I think part of my issue is that I live in a small town and everyone has always known me as being fat and I let my size dictate my personality and even that has changed. I find myself striking up random conversations with people all the time now...and you know what? I like it! I am still struggling with my own self image and thinking I am bigger than I am and not seeing the loss but I am working on it. This is all a process and things will keep changing.
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