I'm not sure why. Part of it stems from abuse. Part of it from getting bullied. A big part of it fueled by the need to be perfect. The perfect daughter, student, friend, wife, and mother. And I am so not perfect. So far from it. I have all spectrums of eating disorders, but I think restrictive eating with bulimia is probably the one that takes over. Oh I don't know. I'm also a binge eater too. I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds over the years. In may I had gastric bypass surgery after reaching my all time high of 362 pounds. The thing I'm dealing with now is restrictive eating, binging and purging. And it's so stupid because my stomach is so small I can hardly eat anything. Yet I binge and purge lately everyday. The guilt I feel from eating is relentless. And it's not that I'm hungry. I do not feel hungry since my surgery. Yet I can't stop thinking about food lately. I eat my regular meals and drink my protein shakes and drink crap loads of water, but it's like it's not satisfying and the need for something more pops into my head and will not leave till I eat it and throw it up. Stupid stupid stupid. December has been my worst month since my surgery. I'm trying to reign it in, but feel like I'm white knuckling it for sure. I start over everyday. Tell myself today I'll be good. So...today I'll be good and hope this is day 1 of being binge and purge free. If my doctor knew he'd just kill me. Sigh