Okay, I know and ultimately it is my own choices and I cannot blame others for what I do to myself. I have to recognize what's going on and try to not give urges.

I just keep on blaming other people of my ED and I hate them and myself for it. I blame my mother for starting me on this path. I hate my bf for making me feel insignificant and encouraging it and not recognizing that backsliding for me is dangerous. (I started with the BED (though I didn't identify it as an issue at the time) when I was 14. I know that the blame is fully with myself and that I have to accept responsibility, but in my head, I sitll blame my mother so much for it. She would constantly remind me how ugly I was and how fat and how she was thin and her mother were thin and didn't I want to be pretty like they were. That's when the binging started. When I was 16, she noticed that I was steadily gaining weight and depressed. At that point, she introduced me to purging. She had done it when she was young and thought it would be a good dieting method for me. It was during the summer, so she would watch me and make me sit with her all day and sleep on her bedroom floor. She would lead me into the bathroom to purge daily and check to see if it looked like it matched when I should ahve eaten that day. The only time to myself was when I was in the complex's gym and I would binge at those times many days. When she saw evidence of a binge, she would lock me the closet for a day and make sure that I didn't eat and rant about how it was a betrayal of her trust.)

She passed away when I was 18 and yet I still blame her. It was only binging and depression for a couple years after that, but then a guy started liking me and I started again so that I would be prettier. When ever I backslide, I blame her. It still links in my mind that this is how I make myself a better person, a prettier girl and someone deserving. I know that I will never get fully better until I stop it. I've been stable that last few years. Since the bf and I have been worse and fighting more and he's been literally throwing food at me and telling me to have at it and that maybe if I engorge myself enough, I'll be as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside. He'll come back later and apologize, but I'm starting to hate him and feel trapped with him and I don't know.

I know that he's baiting me. Yet, I do it everytime. I keep on doing it. The worse it's gotten the more I have and the last few months, I started purging again.

This is mostly me just ranting and probably not a good route to take, but I just feel trapped and stupid and many more negative things which would take far too long to list.