People's perceptions
loriloftness
Posts: 476 Member
I have lost about 55 lbs since surgery and 66 all together. To reach the goal I set for myself, I have another 46 lbs to lose. That puts me right in the middle of the normal BMI range. In the last week, I have had several people comment how thin I am and if I am at my goal. I've even had the "be careful, you don't want to get too thin" comment. (this one from a lady who can't weigh more than 120 lbs) Part of me thinks I must've been extremely overweight for them to think that at my current size I am average or where I should be. I don't really know how to respond to these comments. I mean, "thanks" for the compliment that I look thin, but I'm not where I want to be or where it would be the most healthy for me to be. Is that a good enough response?
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Honestly, I have just learned to say "thank you" and leave it at that. In the process of losing over 200 lbs, I have heard ALL the comments. I used to have moments where I would wonder about the comments, wonder about the people making the comments, and even question myself a little. The bottom line is that I was successful with the surgery and happy with my progress, and it is what I feel that matters to me more than what other people say or think. People are used to seeing us a certain way and when we change they have to change the way they see us and that's not always easy for them. I am sure most people mean well with their comments, but they don't understand the possible impact of their delivery, you know? Over the holidays my sister in law told me my face looks emaciated. WTH? If I was the sensitive type that might have crushed my spirit! Sorry for rambling lol, but to sum it all up, thank you is enough, you don't owe anyone any explanations above what YOU want to share with them, and never let anyone make you doubt yourself for even a second, you have made amazing progress and you should be SO proud of yourself!0
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I have not had anyone make any comments that I felt were negative. I have had a few people carefully ask if there is the weight loss is related to an illness, and I happily tell them that it was all intentional.
I assume that people mean well until they prove clearly otherwise, so I go with "thanks", or "Yeah, it's been a good year!"
I am almost done with seeing groups of people who have not seen me at my new size, which is always fun! What I am experiencing now is meeting people who never knew me large. I am sure there will be some interesting conversations when someone else refers to my previous size.
Like Garber sez: you don't owe anyone anything you are not comfortable discussing. I think you do need to have a plan for responding to what will continue to happen so that these comments don't throw you off of your stride.
I see it as a good problem to have!
Rob0 -
I am going to NY later this week for my niece's wedding, and I am going to see a LOT of people who haven't seen me in well over a year. I am prepared for any possible shots but I will not take any hits! I think Rob is right that most people are well intended, and we should have a plan as to how we will handle these situations. My plan is to respond like Rob suggested ("thanks", "yes I feel great" etc), and move on.0
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Lori- i had this same experience this weekend. Perhaps it was the dress I wore to church, as it is more figure hugging and hubby said it looked the best it had ever looked. I had all kinds of people calling me slim and skinny. Had a few ask if I reached goal and to not go too far in the other direction, including my pastor. Apparently she got a little to thin (and she's already tiny) in the past. It's funny, cause at a size 16, if I started here, I'm sure i wouldn't have been considered skinny.
- Garber -one gave me the emaciated comment too. Not the same word, but the intent. I think when the weight deops fast it can make the face a little too thin. They said I was looking that way in the past week, but better Sunday. Told them I'd gotten some sun the day before and that must have been it.0 -
I've gotten a lot of comments lately that are all over the spectrum, and I'm right at 47lbs lost overall. The people I tend to see frequently have a lot of positive and uplifting things to say, like "I can see a really big difference, your hard work is paying off, etc." but some acquaintances have said some strange things.
For example, I'm in law school. When a fellow student asked me why I'd missed a couple of classes I told her about my surgery. Her response was "Oh wow, well when you start losing weight, all of us girls had better watch out!"... now, I know she meant that as a compliment, but what she really said was 1. You don't look like you've lost any weight and 2. You won't be pretty until you lose some weight, tubby. As someone who's never really suffered from self-esteem issues I found that kind of offensive.
I guess I just realized that people feel awkward when I tell them about my surgery, and so they tend to say things without really thinking them through. It feels like a personal revelation to make, so they tend to respond with comments that can overstep. I'm trying not to let it get to me. Everyone's perception is a little weird.0 -
I just smile and don't respond if it is a goofy comment. I am sure I made lots of stupid, not thought out comments when I was obese. My happiness soooo has nothing to do with these peoples opinion on my wt.0
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My mom says not to lose anymore weight or I will look haggard. Oh dear, I have 14 pounds to Normal. At the gym one lady said to me that I really looked great and didn't need to lose more! I just smile and say I have some more to go but not much. People are weird when you lose weight. Some are happy for you and some just want you to be fat with them. I am not doing this to look better, it is to live.0
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I had a coworker the other night tell me how great she thinks I'm looking and said that I must be close to maintenance, when I told her I would like to lose about 35 more lbs she said that I would be way to thin if I were to do that. Now I am 5'7 and currently a size 16 and if I could lose 35 lbs that would put me at 165 and I would still be in the overweight BMI category! I know she meant well, but those kind of comments to kind of catch you off guard, I just thanked her and got back to work
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This is a awkward subject for us and them depending on state of mind any comments can be be taken wrong. I have the glass is half full approach thinking most people are well intending.
Randy0 -
I had a coworker the other night tell me how great she thinks I'm looking and said that I must be close to maintenance, when I told her I would like to lose about 35 more lbs she said that I would be way to thin if I were to do that. Now I am 5'7 and currently a size 16 and if I could lose 35 lbs that would put me at 165 and I would still be in the overweight BMI category! I know she meant well, but those kind of comments to kind of catch you off guard, I just thanked her and got back to work
Yes!! I'm 5'6 & size 16 and want to get to 140-145 but happy with 150. When I say I have 40-45 pounds to go people freak and tell me not to go to far or to the extreme!0 -
Yup I have had it too... Hard to explain, but my mother in law is very well meaning but now is just very strange with me. I am very private about the surgery (save a few close friends and family) so I think she feels like she shouldn't ask questions, but I told her I'm an open book. LOL she just keeps hugging me like she thinks I'm dying. She also keeps saying how she needs to lose weight (she's 110 lbs). She also body shamed my father in law about his beer belly (who is barely overweight) in front of me. I felt so bad.
Another friend started confiding in me that she thinks she's anorexic... I seem to have declared open season for other people's food/body issues once I got the surgery. Not sure why exactly. I am the same person just thinner (maybe a bit more lively).
From a body image perspective, I still haven't reached the threshold for the too thin comments. But I have gotten the "don't lose your butt!" "You're so cute-for a thick girl" now that my coworkers realize I'm losing. My f"avorite" was my grandmother who grabbed my boobs and said "look how bitty your titties are! And your butt isn't a shelf anymore" (gee thanks didn't know my *kitten* was furniture before lol). I take most compliments with a grain of salt as compliments since they're usually intended that way. If I detect snark or backhanded compliment i dish it right back-I don't care anymore, I'm sticking up for me (being a door mat and eating my feelings is how I got fat in the first place!).
I like the Robert Downey jr quote in most aspects of my life too... "Smile, nod and do whatever the fk you were going to do anyways."0 -
I started getting the "you should stop now" messages when I was still in the overweight category, (about half way to goal). Folks weren't mean about it, I think it's just that no one had ever seen me at a normal weight and their perceptions were skewed. Just say thank you and move on. If you get someone who wants to debate it, usually mentioning your Dr continues to follow you and is pleased with your progress is enough to shut them up. Now that I've been at goal for a while, (BMI 23ish), I don't get those reactions anymore. Still get nice comments, but folks see what "normal" looks like for me now and see it as healthy.0
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mycatsnameisbug wrote: »
I like the Robert Downey jr quote in most aspects of my life too... "Smile, nod and do whatever the fk you were going to do anyways."
OMG. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!0 -
I have gotten some of the "you are too thin" or "don't lose any more or you will be too thin" comments. I passed my all time dream goal about 20 pounds ago, so I honestly have no idea where my "actual" goal is-- I do still have about 10 pounds I could take off if I really wanted to-- but I do not think I am stick skinny. That being said, I have lost 130 pounds in a little over a year. That is a BIG change for some of those near and dear to me- I have not ever been this thin in my adult life. My family/friends have been used to seeing me obese for almost a decade (or more), so I am willing to cut them some slack when they say that I am "too thin" or they express concern around my weight. They are still getting used to the thinner me.
Also, for folks who make the "you are too thin" comments....maybe they have their own insecurities about their bodies they are projecting onto you. Be like Teflon... just let it slide right off.
I consistently remind myself.... other people's opinions of me are none of my business. OMG does that make life a LOT easier!0 -
I got an odd comment from a co-worker today. He came in my office and said I think I want to put my office between yours and your neighbors because both of you seem to be disappearing. I just looked at him kind of puzzled because at first I didn't understand. He than said between you and her you have lost a whole person. (My co-worker has also lost some weight and gone down a couple of sizes like a 10 to 4) I still just kind of looked at him and smiled. And I said I have been working really hard at it. I just let it go and went back to work and he just wondered out of my office.0
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I agree with the above comments. I like the snark or backhanded compliments! The friends at gym think I don't need to lose anymore. I think it is because they are thicker in the waist and focus on me there, where I am my smallest. They don't notice my thick legs that still need some work. I am getting there, and smaller than I have been in years but I still need to get down. Most my friends are with me on this!0
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