There are a couple reasons, I suppose, that I am single. I lack the self confidence to commit myself to anyone but the future me, and the me I'd like to be. I, also, like to flirt around and just don't like being tied down in general. Perhaps another would be that nobody has 'fessed up about their interest in me..

I am divorced and raise 2 kids. Just got used to being single.

Because I'm an *kitten* and I have "high" standards and demand respect. That's what I was told anyway. I just think I'm a little hard to handle at times and nobody has been able to handle me or respect that I have career goals and I'm a mom to a 16 month old. I'm not exactly trying to jump into things.

Just wanna throw something out to the "I'm single because I'm fat" folks. I know how you feel. I've been on both sides of it - size 20/22 after out of control pregnancy (and didn't lose the baby weight) and starved myself to get down to a 8 (not natural for someone of my build).

I will say I attracted plenty more men when I was thinner, but you know what? I met my husband at size 14, which many (especially in the military) consider overweight but I've finally accepted is a good healthy weight for me - I can out-CrossFit, out-marathon, out-Tough Mudder most "skinny" people I know. May not be able to fit in the women's "finisher" shirts, lol, but I finish the race despite injuries, deployment compilations and heavy family history. And he loves me for who I am. I want that for YOU.

When I was smaller, yeah, I got a lot more looks and dates but those guys weren't into ME. They were into their own image. They were mostly guys into fitness and were always pressing me to get even smaller. The first guy I dated with a pot-belly was a new experience for me- and I liked that we had so much fun together. Unfortunately, he started losing weight and ended our relationship because now "he could do better." His wife is heavy and I chuckle at it now.

I was so used to guys (ex, coworkers and guys who saw my race pics on my profile and didn't believe I as the same woman) that it took awhile for me to accept who I am, and even believe that he (and some of the guys from MFP that I met in person) actually thought I looked good. That increased my confidence and it's my CONFIDENCE that won over Mr. Man. Not my size.

Was anyone acting attracted to me when I was size 20/22? No, I'm not even gonna lie. But what I'm trying to say is a) you don't have to starve yourself or look like a model, b) it's NOT impossible to find love, and c) it's NOT only about your physical appearance. It's ALSO about how happy you are with yourself, the life you're making for yourself, and the attitude you have about the things around you that you can actually control.

HTH,

JJ

flrancho wrote: »

The other day I was asking for dating advice and I literally got told by people that don't know me personally that I wasn't a fun or nice person to be around because of my shyness, low confidence, and low self esteem and that I just needed to get over it and go out and do things I'm not comfortable doing. I spent the rest of the night crying.
Just going to ignore it I guess and be who I am. If someone doesn't like me for who I am that's their problem, not mine. The right person will love you for who you are, not someone you pretend to be.

Well, what these people have said to you is the problem in many cases.

It's logical that people are attracted to... "attractive" people. What do you think are the quality that you possess that could attract a potential partner? What are you yourself attracted to?
Try to think in those terms and it will give you small, attainable milestones to make yourself as attractive as those people you want to attract.

People will very rarely take the time to "know" someone they are not rapidly attracted to. So you need to make sure these things you believe are attractive about yourself are "expressed" out there. Thus the problem with shyness and all that jazz.

The "be who you are" thing is dangerous, as it only gives results once you have worked sufficiently on yourself to be attractive to others and make those qualities of yours visible to others. Then you can afford to "be who you are".
Before then, it's often time to improve who you are.

OperationSuperKate wrote: »

I actually agree with Flimflam in this case. I think a lot of times, we use the "they just have to like me for who I am" mentality as an excuse to not make an effort. We make an effort to succeed in every other area of our lives -- fitness, careers, eating choices, etc., so why would we not make an effort when it comes to making ourselves attractive to the opposite gender?

I'm sure you are a very nice person, and you obviously have friends who really are trying to be helpful in this case. Why not do your best to find your best chance at happiness? Personally, it's easy for me to get obsessive over the person I am dating, wondering where they are when they don't text me, and getting suspicious at what I perceive as dishonesty. However, I have realized this is the fastest way to kill a relationship, so I have to make a conscious effort to subdue those feelings and focus on the aspects of the other person that led me to date them in the first place.

You can do this! Take F's advice, set small goals for yourself -- not even necessarily having to do with dating. Try a new restaurant, go to a play, find a park in a different city to take a walk in, try to say hi to someone new, or at the very least, make eye contact and smile. If you don't give someone a chance to get to know you, they won't fight very hard to get past the shell. Romance is not magical, unfortunately. It takes work.

This is very true.

If I'm really really honest, I believe I'm single because I'm fat. I always have been, since I was about 12, and everyone has always tried to pretend and get me to pretend it wasn't a problem. I've had a few relationships, but for the most part I walk around invisible. People truly don't see me, it feels like, and I can't help thinking I wouldn't either. But I can't get healthy from a place of hating myself so I just don't think about it and I'm trying to keep it positive, about how I feel better when I eat right and exercise and minor goals like losing the next five pounds.

flrancho wrote: »

A year ago I would have said my weight. I'm not at my goal yet and still have about 30 more to loose, but things haven't gotten any better in terms of me being able to get a guy.

I really don't know whats wrong. I'm 28, have been asked out once in my life, and have never had a boyfriend. What gives? I've always thought I was a pretty awesome person on the inside. I'm admittedly shy and have low self esteem (I've always thought I was fat and ugly), and I guess I don't have much confidence either.

The other day I was asking for dating advice and I literally got told by people that don't know me personally that I wasn't a fun or nice person to be around because of my shyness, low confidence, and low self esteem and that I just needed to get over it and go out and do things I'm not comfortable doing. I spent the rest of the night crying.

Its not like I'm a Debbie Downer or go around talking like I'm Eeyore or anything.

Just going to ignore it I guess and be who I am. If someone doesn't like me for who I am that's their problem, not mine. The right person will love you for who you are, not someone you pretend to be.

I used to think I was single because I was fat and ugly...sometimes I still do when I am going through the motions but I know deep down that that's a lie. There have been a few guys who have wanted something with me and one guy who still does. So there are some guys who find me attractive. They just weren't the guys I felt were for me.

I bet you have had at least one guy who wants to be with you but you just don't feel that they are for you and that's okay because that means you're human and you're not as self-deprecating as you think.

The real reason I am single is because I have a deep fear of being rejected by the guys I really do want. These are the guys who are more than likely turned off by my reserved nature. Its as simple as that.

No one in this world in my opinion is unattractive. Its the way they carry themselves and the beliefs harbored in their head of self doubt that makes them appear unattractive.

The guys I did want I could have had easily had I not come off so scared and unworthy and I now know that if I keep doing that, I will never find anyone I truly want. So now I am trying to get comfortable with myself and really find my self worth.

Its hard but it needs to be done in order to be happy and at peace even if it doesn't necessarily connect me with someone. Accepting myself is key to happiness not being in a relationship.

I'm not saying you have to change who you are but you do have to change the perception you have about yourself. You are not unworthy of anyone and can have anyone you want if you block off the self-deprecating thinking.

That's where I want to get to. That level of thinking will get you somewhere. I have a best friend who may feel low in self esteem at times but she doesn't let it consume her thoughts and ultimately has guys always knocking at her door. And she's not like supermodel gorgeous or anything but she has accepted that and I think guys see that and go after that confidence of accepting who you are and not what you want to be.

Like I said before, you don't have to change who you are but you do have to change your thought process a bit.

flrancho wrote: »

I've always thought I was a pretty awesome person on the inside. I'm admittedly shy and have low self esteem (I've always thought I was fat and ugly), and I guess I don't have much confidence either.

The other day I was asking for dating advice and I literally got told by people that don't know me personally that I wasn't a fun or nice person to be around because of my shyness, low confidence, and low self esteem and that I just needed to get over it and go out and do things I'm not comfortable doing.

I would believe these people before I believe those close to you. For one, those close to you don't want to hurt your feelings. They love you. For two, they are happy with you having low self esteem and no confidence. NOT saying they are trying to hold you down, just saying that the people who love you in your low self esteem state like having that kind of person around them. If they didn't, you wouldn't have grown close in the first place.

But you're not trying to date a person like them. Or they're not trying to date you. Whichever it is, I would heed the advice of these people. They don't know you well enough (and aren't invested enough in a friendship with you) to be fearful of telling you the truth. They have nothing to lose.

Getting outside of your comfort zone can certainly help, though I think the real biggie si being happy with who you are and YOUR ability to change your life (even it it's a slow process). Even slow progress is still progress. People like being around people that make them feel good about themselves. When we feel bad about ourselves, no matter how hard we try, we still send out those subtle negative signals that make people uncomfortable around us.

JanieJack wrote: »

jokoh92 wrote: »

the way they carry themselves and the beliefs harbored in their head of self doubt that makes them appear unattractive.

The guys I did want I could have had easily had I not come off so scared and unworthy and I now know that if I keep doing that, I will never find anyone I truly want. So now I am trying to get comfortable with myself and really find my self worth.

Its hard but it needs to be done in order to be happy and at peace even if it doesn't necessarily connect me with someone. Accepting myself is key to happiness not being in a relationship.

This. IDK about the "had easily" part but I do know that being happy with myself and confident in myself made the difference. When we are not happy with ourselves, even if we are nice funny people, there's always something "off" under the surface that subconsciously pushes away healthy partners.

Well I mean the guys that I went for were not really out of my league but because I had low self esteem, I felt that they were. I sabotaged it because I didn't feel worthy of them and they saw that. That's what I meant about "had easily". You don't really see it when you're in it but now I see clearly, I could have done better and been treated better but I thought I was not worth it.

Like you said, when we aren't happy with ourselves it shows and it can be a turnoff for potential partners.

Pip_squeak83 wrote: »

superj016 wrote: »

There's no good reason why I'm single. I'm just not meeting the right people for me

Ditto

Same here

Interesting bit on "looking in the wrong place"; thanks for posting ...

Quite a few of the people that I interrogate about this stuff have stopped "looking" in bars, or online, or whatever specific place since they feel that people that they'd be interested in would most-likely NOT be in those places (or, if they are in those places, they exist in such small numbers that they just can't be located in the masses).

To follow similar thinking, if you're not already a regular church-attendee, would you really be looking for someone that attended regularly? (really, you can replace "church" in that question with "car-show", "free-concert", "baby-shower", or whatever event/venue, right ??).

To me at least, this is where that VERY old advice to "Stop looking, do your normal things, and someone will come along" comes from... it doesn't seem to work to well either, but that advice does seem to have some merit.

Anyone have any solid thoughts on the 'where' and 'how' portion of beginning a new interesting relationship?

I'm newly single as of about a week. My ex told me I was amazing and awesome and deserved someone better. Yeah, that's BS. I then see him out with a friend of mine Thursday and she's also Nate's ex - a mutual friend between us (he worked with my ex and I went to school with him). Classy eh? Lets just say I tossed a full beer on him and exchanged words with both. Picked up my crap yesterday from his house and didn't say a word. He looked sad and defeated. He brought this on himself and to change his feelings in a matter of days after a year and a half -then to go out with that (insert any nasty word here). Hope Karma kicks them in the butt!

I went from very sad to very mad in a week. Has been the worst week of my life.

I do want to put myself back on the market and then I don't. I thought I was done with the whole single life and was going to marry this man. To think I have to do it all over again - ticks me off. I will though because like my ex said - I deserve someone better!

JanieJack wrote: »

flrancho wrote: »

Quite frankly, I do believe I am making myself attractive to the opposite gender and don't see how I could make myself any more so than I already am.

Do you like men? I'm not trying to be flippant or anti-lgbt or anything. Most men I know are very easy: be cute and/or be confident, and they will be attracted. They may not get past a first date, but they'll at least ask your number or hit you up on the dating sites. Whether you're petite or fluffy, confidence and self care go a long way.

NOT saying the only way to get the perfect partner is to be cute and walk with your head up. What I AM saying is that when someone says "I do believe I am making myself attractive to the opposite gender" I expect to see some proof in the pudding. I expect to see lots of guys asking you out. Even if they're not right for you.

Yes, I like men. I don't know why "there's no proof in the pudding", but it certainly isn't there. It never has been - I've been asked once in my life by someone that I couldn't pick out of a line-up because I never even knew who they were and they were too afraid to ask me themselves. He had my Dad ask me for him - I was 25, I'd assume he was a similar age. Awkward.

As for the people close to me not wanting to hurt my feelings or liking me with low confidence - I wouldn't call most of them very "close". Some are family, but most are acquaintances or co-workers, that when it comes down to it, really don't know me that well. I've had at least three people now indicate disbelief that I haven't been able to even get a date - one my sister, two my mother's former co-worker whom I know somewhat but not closely, and a co-worker of mine, whom I've known for less than a year - and she says it like it is and doesn't sugar-coat anything. I'm disinclined to believe the people that said I'm not a nice person to be around because of low confidence, low self-esteem, etc, because they don't know me at all. I've never met them, they've never seen me, we've never hung out - what they know about me is a post on a message board.

I don't know whats wrong with me or wrong with everyone else, but anything I'm doing certainly isn't working and I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm on the verge of just hanging this all up and not even trying anything anymore and if love finds me it finds me, if it doesn't I'll just have to learn to be happy being my myself.

Kdingo wrote: »

I live in pretty much a retirement town with two colleges in it so me being 31 I'm middle aged here. They are usually way younger or way older.

Where you live is pretty important... If you're ready to face the extortionate rents, it's a good option to move to a bigger city.
It's easier to find people you can relate to "better" in bigger cities.