Will my brain ever be normal?

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paul87920
paul87920 Posts: 165 Member
I'm getting ready to have my 7th Annual 21st birthday here in 13 days, and I've been doing some reflecting over my journey. I was a skinny and sickly kid until I was about 9 years old. I was dragged from doctor to doctor over allergies, asthma, and behavioral issues. I lived in a home where alcoholism was the norm and narcissistic behavior ran rampant.

From 9 to about 23 years old, I rarely made earnest efforts to reign in my habits. I either didn't know what I was doing, or I'd give up. From 23 to 26 I made better efforts, but still managed to fall off the wagon.

Then, I became the luckiest person in the world. I was 26, and I was given the gift of a chance at a new life. I took it, and here I am with the rest of you.

I'm 16 months post-op, and here I am reflecting back on all of it. I've had times where I've done great. I've had times where I've done mediocre. I've broken down, I've met milestones, and I'm somewhere I would have never imagined even at 25.

I sit here thinking about how my sleeve is a tool, and how MFP is a tool, and I wonder to myself will there ever be a time that I can trust myself enough not to use tools? Will I ever have a normal life where I don't spend most of the day thinking about whether or not I'm 'on track'? Does it ever click? Will my brain ever know how to do things correctly without me constantly checking up on it? This might be a bad case of having my cake and eating it too, but I someday want to eat and exercise normally without calorie counting. It scares me. I can still find foods that are easily excessive in calories and then some to an extent that baffles me.

Programs like A.A. teach their members to never pick up another drink again. Alcoholics can measure their progress. They know when they're finally stable enough to be around another person who is drinking. They know when they no longer feel the desire.

I have to eat, but I want to live a life where I can trust myself. I don't know how to know when I've finally made that hurdle. Does anyone feel this way?

Replies

  • garber6th
    garber6th Posts: 1,894 Member
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    I have read your posts and I think your insight and thoughtfulness is very real, refreshing and relatable, and I appreciate your sharing with us!

    I feel like I will always need checks and balances, even though my new way of living has clicked. I will always need to be on my toes to some degree so that I don't backslide. I have days where I don't log and I do just fine, but I worry that if I let those days turn into weeks/months/years, I won't do fine. I committed to this process long before I ever had surgery, and I knew it would be a lifetime commitment. I am ok with that, and I look at it this way - it's really not about trusting myself or my brain to do the right thing, I do trust myself, I trusted myself enough to take this path. My commitment is doing things differently so that I don't end up where I was before, so that I don't throw away this tool, and so that I continue to live this healthy, happy life I earned for myself. Think about what trusting yourself really means to you or what it really involves. Think about whether or not it's about trusting yourself, or loving yourself and committing to this process and journey.
  • seaghdha1072
    seaghdha1072 Posts: 89 Member
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    Very eloquently and well put Garber6th! Really nice post.
  • paul87920
    paul87920 Posts: 165 Member
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    garber6th wrote: »
    Think about whether or not it's about trusting yourself, or loving yourself and committing to this process and journey.

    Thank you. I needed to hear this.
  • Thaeda
    Thaeda Posts: 834 Member
    edited September 2015
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    garber6th wrote: »
    I committed to this process long before I ever had surgery, and I knew it would be a lifetime commitment. I am ok with that, and I look at it this way - it's really not about trusting myself or my brain to do the right thing, I do trust myself, I trusted myself enough to take this path. My commitment is doing things differently so that I don't end up where I was before, so that I don't throw away this tool, and so that I continue to live this healthy, happy life I earned for myself. Think about what trusting yourself really means to you or what it really involves. Think about whether or not it's about trusting yourself, or loving yourself and committing to this process and journey.

    Much wisdom here! ^^^^

    I am 18-19 months out from surgery (just to offer context). I was only able to come to the decision to have surgery in the first place by beginning the journey of loving myself. This put me in the place where I was willing/able to consider what was in the best interest of my health and what was the most loving decision for me. Post op, I have continued (sometimes more successfully than others) to make decisions based on what is most loving. For example, I am aware when I eat food high in sugar, I will experience negative side effects (fatigue, mood swings, etc.). Sometimes I eat food high in sugar anyway- despite knowing it is not the most loving choice. On other occasions, I have chosen to over-exercise (also not the most loving choice) because I was afraid of regain. I have recently begun the practice of not logging my food (or weighing/measuring it) to try to live a more "normal" life. I also did it because I noticed logging was becoming a way for me to be very rigid and hard on myself (not loving).

    More often than not, I make my food choices based on what I know will be good and feel good for my body. Eating protein and veg (with a little bit of dark chocolate for dessert) each day keeps me feeling good. Eating pasta, potatoes, bread, or sweets will keep me feeling tired and generally yucky. So my decisions are less around fear of weight gain and such and more around what keeps me feeling good and what is the most loving way to act towards myself. I am not sure if I am explaining this very well, but over time I am finding myself making what one could characterize as "healthy" decisions that keep the weight off, but I am making them for the purpose of caring for myself--- not out of fear of regain. I eat protein and veg. because I love my body and want to nourish it- not because I am afraid I will not fit into my pants if I don't. I practice yoga and take walks regularly because my body enjoys gentle/moderate forms of exercise- not because I have to burn a certain amount of calories each day.

    There is a place and time for logging and tracking- absolutely. But for me, it felt like it was time to trust myself and let go of the reins. Granted, the process is very gradual and I am still in the "experiment" phase-- I went 2 weeks without logging successfully. Now I am going for another 4 weeks with no weigh-in for 2 weeks (trying to break my "scale addiction" lol). I check in with myself before making food choices-- do I want hot/cold? Crunchy/soft? Salty/sweet? Have I had enough veggies today or can I eat some more? I cannot say I am always this mindful. Sometimes I just say "eff it" and dive into whatever (last night, it was buttered popcorn), but even whent hat happens, I just give myself the opportunity to make a healthy choice at the next meal time. Lots of self-forgiveness and trust going on here. It is a little anxiety provoking, but so much less dramatic than that diet/binge huge pendulum swings I lived with pre-op. I like this "less dramatic" way of living. And it feels good to be good to me.

    Do you ever get to be "normal"? IDK. I always thought "normal" was a setting on a washing machine. :) My goal is to get to a relaxed, comfortable place where more often than not I make healthy choices because I love my body enough to do it- without drama, without self-punishment, without any of that goofy stuff I have done in my "diet days". I am not sure if I will get to live that way or not, but that is where I want to go. Sound like that is what you want, too-- here's hoping we both get there. Peace.

  • seaghdha1072
    seaghdha1072 Posts: 89 Member
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    Love that Thaeda, "normal" like on a washing machine! You're so cute
  • BringingSherriBack
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    I'm there too. I've struggled with wanting to have a "normal" relationship with food my entire life, but have come the conclusion that there is no "normal" when it relates to food and staying slim. Everyone I know that is "naturally skinny" does one of a few things. They either don't eat anything of nutritional value (living on a couple twinkies and a handful of chips each day - I'm guessing they don't have much of an appetite and have always been jealous of those who truly don't care whether or not they eat and have to remind themselves to do so); they eat what they want and weigh daily then when they get to the upper end of their acceptable weight range, they get on a very strict diet and exercise program and get it back off immediately (normally having to "diet" from a few days to a week or more each month); OR those that or so rigid about their eating and exercise all the time that they never indulge in anything that doesn't fit into their calories for the day.
    None of these seem "normal" to me. As best as I can tell a "normal" relationship with food would be eating healthy most of the time with occasional indulgances and getting a moderate amount of exercise. Weighing once a week would be a good thing for me and staying within a comfortable weight range for me (say 5-10 pounds since my weight varies greatly day to day). If I got to the upper end my of comfort zone, then I would need to cut back until I got the few pounds back off. That seems the most logical to me but then the getting back on the stricter diet plan when the pounds find me again has always been my weak point. lol but I'm working on that. :)
  • pawoodhull
    pawoodhull Posts: 1,759 Member
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    Paul, you've got some great answers here. I think it's an individual thing. I know there are some on here who once they hit goal no longer have to track and log daily and they do fine. That's not me.

    I have found that 99% of the time I need to preplan my food for the day, bring my own food, measure and weigh. If I don't, I regain. That's what I did over the holidays, I stopped paying attention. However, I also know that it's OK on those occasional days away to eat the best I can and not stress over not being able to log, weigh and measure. It's all about realistic expectations and flexibility. This is a great tool and for me, it's one I will have to use every day for the rest of my life. This is my new normal and I'm OK with that.
  • paul87920
    paul87920 Posts: 165 Member
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    Thank you everyone. There's a lot of insight here to give thought to.
  • joysie1970
    joysie1970 Posts: 415 Member
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    love this thread...thank Paul and everyone who chimed in
  • cmchandler74
    cmchandler74 Posts: 510 Member
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    To me, it's not a question of whether or not you can ever let go of the tools. It's a question of retraining bad habits. So really it's, "Have I utilized the tools enough to have ingrained the good habits I need to sustain my new way of life?" Unfortunately, that's a really personal question and will differ from one person to another. But the great thing is that if you try to fly on your own and fall a bit, you can always pick right back up with the tools and try again (along with the support of people like the ones in this group). There's no shame in utilizing resources to get the job done if you need them, so really, you just have to decide when you need them and when you're OK without them.
  • janet0513
    janet0513 Posts: 564 Member
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    I agree that it is different for everyone. I have lost before to just regain again so I am hesitant to let go of the constant logging and monitoring. I know that some day I will be able to do it, but I think it is a long time coming. I think back to when I was a smoker. There were times that I would quit for years and then go back to it. I am at a point in my life that I know that will never happen again. I think some day I will get there with food. I have totally embraced the life and have much more fitness goals than I do weight goals even though I haven't hit my "goal weight" yet. My mind has changed to the point that the weight losses/gains don't affect me the same because I know that I am eating and living healthy. This change gives me hope for the "normal" relationship with food. Once I let go of the reigns, I know that for the rest of my life I will need to go through a series of letting go and grabbing them again if needed...but hey maybe that is what "normal" is.