Hello, it's been awhile since I've posted here. Sadly, I can't pinpoint when I was last here. I was sleeved in May of 2014. My peak weight was 463lbs. I currently sit at 299lbs. I'm here because I need help, and I'm here to hopefully help others with my story.

The first seven months were exhilarating. I dropped down to around 330lbs. It melted off. I felt great. My sizes were constantly going down. Then the new year hit. I hit my first real plateau. I call it a real plateau because when I was losing that weight I'd have periods where nothing came off and then it would start falling again. It hovers now. I go weeks at the same weight, and then drop 2 or 3 lbs.

The messed up part is that I can do better. I don't, and there's underlying issues behind that. The theme of this year has been soul searching and getting to the root of real problems.

If any of you are like me, and I suspect some of you are, I thought all of my problems in life stemmed from my excess weight. If we're being 100% honest, I believed this to the point of delusion. I couldn't find a job because I was too fat. I couldn't find a relationship because I was too fat. I was depressed because I was fat. My anxiety was from being fat. I was going to have the miracle fairy tale life once this fat went away.

It's rough too. My doctor, who was an excellent doctor in all respects (no complications, told me it was a tool, told me I'd have to work hard, ect), hammered in what I needed to succeed physically from this surgery. I was not ready for what it did to me psychologically.

I continue to lose weight, even at a snails pace. I never gain, and when I increase my effort, I see better results.

My body got better. My relationship with food got better. My psychological well being got much worse. Around January, I started to seriously withdraw. I had an active social life and it came to a screeching halt. My already poor relationship with my family became even more strained. Much like myself, they expected this procedure to fix the mind, body, and spirit.

After a winter alone and away from human contact, I lost a friend to an overdose. I am close friends with her sister and became consumed with guilt because I wasn't there for her. I couldn't be there for myself let alone another individual.

I've also been unemployed for a year. I go in for interviews, have nervous breakdowns, and don't get job offers. I have a master's degree. It's debilitating because I made myself believe that self-worth came from weight loss. It didn't. I'm smaller, and I still fight to feel adequate.

If you don't already see where this is going, around last May I became suicidal. I had past issues with self-harm, and couldn't stop thinking about cutting my wrists. This is when I said, "Enough!" I fought so hard to get where I was at to give up.

I went to the doctor finally. It was so validating for me to finally have someone tell me that I had problems that weren't related to my weight, but were probably a contributing factor to a life of weight gain. See, I believed that my problems were caused by my weight, when truthfully my problems were causing my weight gain.

The weight that had been taken off of my shoulders was a crucial first step to a better quality of life with this new and changing body. My depression is real. My anxiety is real. I had to reopen old wounds and face existing wounds that I looked at through rose colored glasses. I've come to terms with the fact that I was sexually assaulted. I've come to terms that I am an adult child of two narcissistic parents. I've come to terms with having body dysmorphia. I realize that I won't get my lost childhood back.

With all of this, I can move forward in a pragmatic way, but I had to go through the darkness before I could even begin to look for a light at the end of the tunnel. It's funny too. I thought that end of the tunnel was weight loss. But there is so much more to feeling whole and being complete.

I don't want to scare anyone here off, no matter what stage you are at in your journey. I don't regret the surgery. I don't regret the weight loss. The euphoria of weight loss has diminished, but I am closer than ever to picking up the pieces I need to feel complete. Honestly, a missing piece of that has been all of you. It's nice to be around people even if it's online that have or will go through the good, the bad, and the ugly of this journey.