Reintroducing Myself (Possible Triggers)

paul87920
paul87920 Posts: 165 Member
Hello, it's been awhile since I've posted here. Sadly, I can't pinpoint when I was last here. I was sleeved in May of 2014. My peak weight was 463lbs. I currently sit at 299lbs. I'm here because I need help, and I'm here to hopefully help others with my story.

The first seven months were exhilarating. I dropped down to around 330lbs. It melted off. I felt great. My sizes were constantly going down. Then the new year hit. I hit my first real plateau. I call it a real plateau because when I was losing that weight I'd have periods where nothing came off and then it would start falling again. It hovers now. I go weeks at the same weight, and then drop 2 or 3 lbs.

The messed up part is that I can do better. I don't, and there's underlying issues behind that. The theme of this year has been soul searching and getting to the root of real problems.

If any of you are like me, and I suspect some of you are, I thought all of my problems in life stemmed from my excess weight. If we're being 100% honest, I believed this to the point of delusion. I couldn't find a job because I was too fat. I couldn't find a relationship because I was too fat. I was depressed because I was fat. My anxiety was from being fat. I was going to have the miracle fairy tale life once this fat went away.

It's rough too. My doctor, who was an excellent doctor in all respects (no complications, told me it was a tool, told me I'd have to work hard, ect), hammered in what I needed to succeed physically from this surgery. I was not ready for what it did to me psychologically.

I continue to lose weight, even at a snails pace. I never gain, and when I increase my effort, I see better results.

My body got better. My relationship with food got better. My psychological well being got much worse. Around January, I started to seriously withdraw. I had an active social life and it came to a screeching halt. My already poor relationship with my family became even more strained. Much like myself, they expected this procedure to fix the mind, body, and spirit.

After a winter alone and away from human contact, I lost a friend to an overdose. I am close friends with her sister and became consumed with guilt because I wasn't there for her. I couldn't be there for myself let alone another individual.

I've also been unemployed for a year. I go in for interviews, have nervous breakdowns, and don't get job offers. I have a master's degree. It's debilitating because I made myself believe that self-worth came from weight loss. It didn't. I'm smaller, and I still fight to feel adequate.

If you don't already see where this is going, around last May I became suicidal. I had past issues with self-harm, and couldn't stop thinking about cutting my wrists. This is when I said, "Enough!" I fought so hard to get where I was at to give up.

I went to the doctor finally. It was so validating for me to finally have someone tell me that I had problems that weren't related to my weight, but were probably a contributing factor to a life of weight gain. See, I believed that my problems were caused by my weight, when truthfully my problems were causing my weight gain.

The weight that had been taken off of my shoulders was a crucial first step to a better quality of life with this new and changing body. My depression is real. My anxiety is real. I had to reopen old wounds and face existing wounds that I looked at through rose colored glasses. I've come to terms with the fact that I was sexually assaulted. I've come to terms that I am an adult child of two narcissistic parents. I've come to terms with having body dysmorphia. I realize that I won't get my lost childhood back.

With all of this, I can move forward in a pragmatic way, but I had to go through the darkness before I could even begin to look for a light at the end of the tunnel. It's funny too. I thought that end of the tunnel was weight loss. But there is so much more to feeling whole and being complete.

I don't want to scare anyone here off, no matter what stage you are at in your journey. I don't regret the surgery. I don't regret the weight loss. The euphoria of weight loss has diminished, but I am closer than ever to picking up the pieces I need to feel complete. Honestly, a missing piece of that has been all of you. It's nice to be around people even if it's online that have or will go through the good, the bad, and the ugly of this journey.

Replies

  • klcovington
    klcovington Posts: 381 Member
    Paul - your post was inspirational. I have found that even though I researched and researched weight loss, surgery, etc., and knew in my mind that it was a tool (I was sleeved in 9/2014), I still did honestly expect that things would "magically" get better...just because I was losing weight. And some things ARE better --- feeling healthier and stronger, for instance. But the stress factors (I have struggled with depression and anxiety also) are still present. I still have to fight them. I get hungry. I have cravings. I have stalled frequently and tested my limits. I am finding my way back slowly though and am working to really pinpoint my triggers (stress, work, family) and learn how to deal with them in a non-food way. Best wishes to you and thank you for sharing!
  • TryingTeresa
    TryingTeresa Posts: 54 Member
    Thanks for sharing. I think you are exactly right when you reveal its not a food issue that got us to our highest weight (especially folks like me with 100s of lbs to lose). We have to be strong & right emotionally & mentally - but being physically healthier & happier is a great start. Wishing you luck & praying for you. Stay strong & keep sharing!
  • Thaeda
    Thaeda Posts: 834 Member
    Wow. How courageous of you to share your story. Sounds like you have been through so much. For me, this has been as much an internal journey as an external one. Lots of inner changes have happened for me over the last 18 months, and like you, I have found that my food/weight struggles had very little to do with food/weight. I applaud your willingness to seek help and wish you the best as you continue thie path forward. :)
  • authorwriter
    authorwriter Posts: 323 Member
    I'm glad you're here, Paul. Thank you for sharing your story and will send you good energy you continue on a good path.
  • seaghdha1072
    seaghdha1072 Posts: 89 Member
    What you've been through Paul I couldn't even pretend to try and understand. How awfully brave of you to share your story with us. You are in a safe haven here. Your comment about weight not being the cause but the side effect of your emotions hit home with me. Please reach out to any one of us for support. I look forward to your future posts. I pray for you to find peace and inner happiness.
  • rpyle111
    rpyle111 Posts: 1,066 Member
    Prayers that you are able to find your way toward health and peace together. We are all pulling for you and you are important and valuable to all of us here.

    Rob
  • lorilbuckner1
    lorilbuckner1 Posts: 186 Member
    God Bless you Paul. Praying for you. Feel free to add me if you'd like.
  • denicejo
    denicejo Posts: 32 Member
    I comend you for sharing. I think the one aspect that isn't discussed enough when it comes to wls is the mental aspect of it. I've had 3 friends have vsg after me and they all looked to me for advice. The one thing I tried to prepare them for the most is the mental aspect. My doctor and his team where GREAT. However, mentally I don't think there is or was enough after care as far as the psychological needs of a person post wls. I have a very patient husband who has been supportive, however he doesn't understand. He has never had a problem with his weight. Luckily, I find support here and through a few other groups I belong to. My 3 friends are pretty far in their journey too so they help also. I've also reconnected with a nutritioist who helps with the emotional side of eating and that has helped a lot. Again, I think you are very brave and thank you for sharing.
  • Stephaniev51697
    Stephaniev51697 Posts: 163 Member
    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. The mental aspect of this surgery is something that I don't think I understood either. May you continue your path towards peace.
  • garber6th
    garber6th Posts: 1,894 Member
    Thank you so much for sharing. It really means a lot to so many of us that you opened up like this. No matter how much you think you are prepared, it seems like life after surgery is intent on throwing you curve balls and testing you. I think it gets even harder as you prepare to live your "new normal" for the rest of your life. No matter how hard it gets though, I still know for so many of us, it was the right decision. I have been seeing a therapist through all phases of this journey - before, during, and after - because I knew that my weight wasn't the cause of my problems, and even with that, I still have some struggles. You have opened your mind and your eyes and that is so important. The awareness that you have and that you continue to gain throughout this process will really help you through it. I think you are great and you are doing a great job. I'm glad you are here.
  • paul87920
    paul87920 Posts: 165 Member
    Thank you all.
  • loriloftness
    loriloftness Posts: 476 Member
    Wow, what a powerful message you shared. I think your insight likely does apply to many of us, and for sure me. My weight was a manifestation of not dealing appropriately with emotions-be it stress, anxiety, depression, etc. Losing weight is great, and healthy, but it doesn't solve the underlying issues of not wanting to deal with the difficult emotions. That takes way more work. I am a work in progress.
  • pawoodhull
    pawoodhull Posts: 1,759 Member
    I am so in awe of you right now! What courage, insight and giving you have to share this with all of us. Welcome back! Prayers for emotional healing my friend.
  • JeanneMarie11111
    JeanneMarie11111 Posts: 57 Member
    pawoodhull wrote: »
    I am so in awe of you right now! What courage, insight and giving you have to share this with all of us. Welcome back! Prayers for emotional healing my friend.

    This is exactly what I wanted to say, but she said it so much better! I too have stalled after about 80 pounds, it's a little disheartening. And I know I can do better. So really, here's to the both of reaching physical and emotional goals.
  • nowucme
    nowucme Posts: 88 Member
    Wishing you continued strength on your journey and continued healing.
  • KyriaCathy
    KyriaCathy Posts: 44 Member
    I hear you!!! This is such a tough journey! Discoveries, victories, setbacks, paralyzing moments followed by exhilarating moments and visa versa! Hearing your story is very helpful! I'm going through much of the same but because of insurance issues (long story; went from great insurance to mediocre to currently - no insurance) I'm in my own paying cash and having to be very selective about what I seek help with and what I try to deal with on my own! Good to know what's happening to others and how they're dealing! Thanks for sharing!
  • 5BeautifulDays
    5BeautifulDays Posts: 683 Member
    Bless you for sharing. I'm not sure there is any way to prepare the WLS patient for the mental work that is necessary, but it surely necessary. I'm so glad you were able to see your own needs and seek help.

    I've had a counselor's card on my desk for months. I keep meaning to call...thanks for the reminder that it's still there.