Check in?

Our shameful secret: the specifics of our personal issues with eating. This group could be real helpful if everyone would participate to help each other get and stay better. So how about a check in?
I made it through the discomfort of a 3 lbs weight gain without purging. That is huge for me - It has been 2 weeks since my last fall.

Replies

  • DeseraeClark
    DeseraeClark Posts: 2 Member
    Ok, I'll be brave.
    I have chronic pain, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and am also battling an eating disorder.
    Due to doctors blaming my pain levels on my weight, I decided that I could lose the weight the same way that anorexics do: obsessive calorie counting and exercising. I did everything I could to not eat and to burn more calories. I lost a ton of weight and my doctor was impressed. Everyone was. And then I couldn't stop. It had replaced all my other self-destructive behavior. It was like a drug.
    I got divorced and spent 3 years not caring about my body. I gained more weight than I originally lost and now that I'm coming out of my depression, all my ED thoughts are in full swing. I have large problems eating anything when I can feel how fat I am.

    Starving myself is making me sick. So I'm trying to eat. But I don't want to be fat. I'm not gaining weight, but I am gaining inches in my stomach and thighs.

    I'm under a lot of stress and I really wanted to skip dinner last night. But I ate. So that is something.
  • Itreadlightly
    Itreadlightly Posts: 96 Member
    Ok, I'll be brave.
    I have chronic pain, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and am also battling an eating disorder.
    Due to doctors blaming my pain levels on my weight, I decided that I could lose the weight the same way that anorexics do: obsessive calorie counting and exercising. I did everything I could to not eat and to burn more calories. I lost a ton of weight and my doctor was impressed. Everyone was. And then I couldn't stop. It had replaced all my other self-destructive behavior. It was like a drug.
    I got divorced and spent 3 years not caring about my body. I gained more weight than I originally lost and now that I'm coming out of my depression, all my ED thoughts are in full swing. I have large problems eating anything when I can feel how fat I am.

    Starving myself is making me sick. So I'm trying to eat. But I don't want to be fat. I'm not gaining weight, but I am gaining inches in my stomach and thighs.

    I'm under a lot of stress and I really wanted to skip dinner last night. But I ate. So that is something.
    Ok, I'll be brave.
    I have chronic pain, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and am also battling an eating disorder.
    Due to doctors blaming my pain levels on my weight, I decided that I could lose the weight the same way that anorexics do: obsessive calorie counting and exercising. I did everything I could to not eat and to burn more calories. I lost a ton of weight and my doctor was impressed. Everyone was. And then I couldn't stop. It had replaced all my other self-destructive behavior. It was like a drug.
    I got divorced and spent 3 years not caring about my body. I gained more weight than I originally lost and now that I'm coming out of my depression, all my ED thoughts are in full swing. I have large problems eating anything when I can feel how fat I am.

    Starving myself is making me sick. So I'm trying to eat. But I don't want to be fat. I'm not gaining weight, but I am gaining inches in my stomach and thighs.

    I'm under a lot of stress and I really wanted to skip dinner last night. But I ate. So that is something.

    Thank you for sharing. We need support and who better than some else who suffers?
    Today I did 10 miles just so I could feel ok about eating. I have been a purger for many many years and I am tired of the secrecy and the pain and feeling bad. A while back I decided to stop and what I did was replace it with exercise- healthier yes but still a way to deal.
    Since the division I have relapsed twice. It has been a little over 2 weeks since the last time and I am feeling it but staying strong - today anyway,
  • Mersie1
    Mersie1 Posts: 329 Member
    Sending you both love! ED sucks! I have all sorts of health issues not befitting of a 45 year old, but likely bec of 2
    Decades of ED!! Doing better right now behaviorally but the mental anguish continues. My marriage is still on the rocks and we are having serious money issues. The strange comfort that ED brings me calls me loudly. For right now I'm able to stay strong, but when will I feel strong?!?!
  • Itreadlightly
    Itreadlightly Posts: 96 Member
    Seems to be a life long thing- not something I get to recover from but more like something I deal with well - or not.
  • DeseraeClark
    DeseraeClark Posts: 2 Member
    I know what you mean about the exercise.
    I was really into over-exercising. My health problems have stopped me from doing that lately.
    Right now, I have my lunch heated up and in front of me... but I haven't been able to make myself eat any of it.

    Any of you have the thought process that certain foods will hurt your stomach, in order to trick yourself into not eating them... or thinking of food as gross? I am trying to convince myself that this is healthy food and it hasn't gone bad and it is tasty. But my ED mind keeps trying to convince me otherwise.

    Mersie: I'm there with you! I love the way you said it.
    The Strange Comfort. It is calling to me today.

    I am so stressed out. Not eating... that hunger in my stomach, the way I am able to resist, it makes me feel strong.
    Except it is doing the opposite. My brain is foggy and my body is weak because I need to eat. My body is hungry.

    We are beating up ourselves. Denying our bodies what they need.
    And for some reason, it makes me feel pride?
    How sick is that?

    Here is hoping that we all nourish our bodies today.
    That we all find the kindness and love to feed our bodies and souls.

    I'm going to eat all my lunch. And try to revel in the strength it gives me.

    Guess what? I noticed today that my fingernails have stopped splitting.
    I wonder what other unseen repairs my body is now undertaking since I am eating?
    I am making myself strong enough to fight for my sanity.
  • reachingforarainbow
    reachingforarainbow Posts: 224 Member
    Here is what I'm at lately. I am not properly tracking. Mostly overeating. I don't have any weight to gain. I haven't purged since Saturday (which I didn't really, only a little, which now that I say that sounds messed up). I've been drinking a lot - (hence the overeating, it's almost all in alcohol) and I quit exercising because I was worried that I wasn't burning as much as MFP or the gym equipment was saying and also I felt like exercise was increasing my appetite. Anyways my mentality is a mess.

    But I really hope everyone else is having a great start to 2016!
  • hyIianprincess
    hyIianprincess Posts: 302 Member
    I think this is a great idea. I was so happy when I found this group, I just wish it was more active.
    I recently got out of a binge cycle. I was 55 days binge free prior to this (my longest streak binge free since I started recovery) slip up and I'm trying my hardest not to "make up" for it by over-exercising/restricting.

    I was also recently diagnosed with OCD and put on prozac. I've come to realize it plays a big role in my ED. I get stuck in these rigid routines so I'm hoping prozac will help.

    I'm under a lot of stress since I'm being evicted and my husband is being deployed in a few weeks, but I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and not slip into old habits.

    On a brighter note, I'm not anemic anymore and I have a lot more energy since I've been incorporating more protein in my diet!

    I hope everyone is doing well. If you ever need support and want to talk to someone, feel free to message me. :)
  • Gamliela
    Gamliela Posts: 2,470 Member
    Congratulations Hylian! on getting your blood back in shape!
  • ashleyylo
    ashleyylo Posts: 105 Member
    I'm not in the best place with my ED...mentally, I am obsessing over my weight and wanting to loose. However, I have been able to keep nourishing my body throughout the day, which is something I used to struggle with a LOT...at least I am not starving all day only to binge massively every single night.
  • hyIianprincess
    hyIianprincess Posts: 302 Member
    cloudi2 wrote: »
    Congratulations Hylian! on getting your blood back in shape!

    Thanks! Hope you're doing well
  • Itreadlightly
    Itreadlightly Posts: 96 Member
    Love to you all