What is your weight battle story?
RunawayCurves
Posts: 688 Member
A space to tell us all about your weight journey so far. What worked ? what didn't work or sabotaged your efforts? What do you think you need to succeed? Do you have a plan of action this time around?
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My best atempt was in 2011. I lost 42 lbs between Feb and October. I used MFP and all was going well. I had energy could climb stairs , was eating right. Then one day ibwent out with my family had my camera and was taking some good pictures. I tried to get this one shot and not thinking I tried tobgo under bridge , not thinking about the leftover silt from resent floods. I immediately slipped and fell landing on a rock with my tailbone. Husband helped me up , cleaned myself off, cleaned my camera and we went on down the road to another park little pain but I was okay . we walked for 2 hours and went home . Next day was the beginning of my demise . I hurt so bad I barely made it through work , slowly while I healed it became , slow increase of food ,no exersize and I gained it all back .. I now what to do just have to get my determination back. I can do this
My story is long with attempts and failurea, my story is going to be successful this time. I am the author of my life and I done won't my chapter to end just yet
In the words of Dr Seuss . "the Kat in the hat is back"0 -
I feel your pain Katdanash, I cracked my tail bone years ago and took ages to heal. I ended up standing at a raised desk for close to a year because sitting was too painful. It did eventually get better thankfully.
I then dislocated my Kneecap in an awkward fall last October and was on crutches for 6 weeks. I can walk about unaided on flat ground now but going up and down slopes is painful and stairs I can only do one at a time like a small child. An MRI revealed I actually have deformed knee joints that predispose me to dislocations and am lucky it did not happen before. Apparently now is has happened it is more likely to happen repeatedly. My Knee cap does not sit in center of the groove partly due to deformity and partly due to tissue damage when it dislocated. As usual my weight makes things worse. I stand a better chance at recovering more use if weight is reduced to a healthy range. Also surgeon says I can not have varicose vein in other leg removed until I slim down a lot. So those are good motivating factors for me to shift the excess baggage.
I have always been big, been yoyo dieting since age 10. I was always the biggest kid at school, I was bigger than all the teachers too by time I finished school at 245lb. As an adult I slimmed down to 175lb around age 21 but did so on a diet of raw salad alone so was very unhealthy, totally unsustainable and I was very ill freezing cold and shivering uncontrollably all the time. I ballooned as soon as stopped starving myself. I gradually went up to 301lb by age 28 then I joined food addicts in recovery anonymous and shrank back down to 175lb in 9 months. I was totally emotionally dependant on my sponsor though and was an emotional wreck which only got worse when sponsor chose to stop sponsoring me. I was hungry a lot of the time and could not sustain it. I then gradually worked my way up to 330lb start of this year. There have been countless diets and yo yo weight changes over the years. What I have learned is that there is no one size fits all solution. The ideal solution is individual. People do great on all sorts of different plans. I have a bunch of digestive issues and food intolerances that have got worse over the years probably due to my poor choices. Through decades of experimentation I have found what seems to work best for me is sticking as much as possible to whole foods and low carb. Others do best on high carb low fat. It is all individual. I support people doing what makes them feel good and is sustainable for them.0 -
I think that as long as we don't give up , continue to fight it , slow and steady is the best way. I feel like i didn't gain it all in a day so it can not come off in a day. I strive to be healthy , more than thin. I was 200 lb in 9th grade, I was 70 lbs in 1st grade, biggest kid in the class. I don't want to be the fat girl , but i would like to be the healthy girl with curves. I don't want to be a size 6, i am good with a 16.
I found out today that my pre diabetes of 6 years is now in need of medication. So now i will face that obstacle , if i must take meds its at least only 1 my husband takes 3 and 1 dose of insulin. So in helping me , i am helping him and showing my 18 year old. It can be done.
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I’ve lived in Washington State most of my life. I lived and worked in the Seattle area for many years and now live in the SW corner of Washington State with my partner of 20 years, Mary. I’m 53 and I have a 35-year-old son who lives in California.
Weight has been a problem for me since my early teens. It was a 20 lb. problem before I had my son and it became a 120 lb. problem after he was born. Lots of yo yo dieting over the years and my weight crept up to nearly 400 by the time I was 40. Then I quit my 3 ½ pack a day smoking habit and I had another big jump in weight, reaching over 500 lbs. within a year.
So, I’ve been on lots of diet plans. Half a dozen times on and off of weight watchers, couple of different types of plant based diets, lots and lots of straight up calorie counting, and few oddball things like raw foods, smoothie cleanses, and intermittent fasting. I’ve never done Atkins or Paleo. I’ve never been a big meat eater. I’m more of a tofu, granola hippy chick.
I’ve gone for long periods, sometimes more than 6 months, adhering 100% to a diet plan and have repeatedly lost more than 100 lbs. only to fall off the plan and gain back the weight. In each case, I think I became over confident in my self-control. After 6 months of strict adherence, surely I’ve demonstrated I have the self-control to eat this cake and ice cream and then jump right back on my plan. Do it once - all is well………… maybe one more time won’t hurt. Then down the slippery slope we tumble. At that point, all kinds of neurotic and dysfunctional thinking kicks in. Ignoring the problem altogether. Telling myself I’ll get back on track “TOMPORROW”. Waiting for the perfect time to start again or start a new plan.
So, I’m trying again. Can’t say for sure this time will be different but ya got to try. Let me tell you what makes me hopeful. I tried to quit smoking like 500 times before it finally took. I repeatedly tried nicotine gum and nicotine patches and distracting myself with hobbies and games and gum and such. Finally, it took. I loved to smoke. If they came up with a cure for cancer (and maybe emphysema), I’d take up smoking again. But, I figure if I could give up smoking I can stick to a food plan.
If I had unlimited self-discipline I’d probably follow a low fat plant based diet, eating only organic unprocessed foods from local farms. But I don’t have unlimited self-discipline and at the moment, weight loss is my first priority. So, if I can find a way to have a cinnamon roll or a bowl of macaroni and cheese, no matter how small, and still lose weight, that would be pretty good for now. Enter Nutrisystem. I’ve been on Nutrisystem since February 4th and I’m down 28.6 lbs. Actually, I’m down 45.2 lbs. since Jan. 5th. I did some smoothie fasting in January. Nice weight drops but not sustainable.
I've been hanging out on a Nutrisystem discussion forum but there isn't really anyone there near my size so I'm looking for additional weight loss groups to interact with. I'm new to MFP.0 -
Well it seems that I have been on a diet all my life. I actually don't recall a time when I felt like I was a normal size or the same size as my class mates. There is a picture of me with my kindergarten Sunday school class and I actually tower above these kids. I started my first diet in 5th grade and joined TOPS with my mom. I weighed around 150# but I was already 5'7". Back in those days I was already OBESE.... I wore a size 14 and had to shop in the woman's section in order to find clothes big enough to fit. I stuck to it as best as any kid can when their lunch gets stolen on a daily basis..... seriously who at the age of 10 wants diet soda and diet food so bad as to steal it??????? Looking back I really wish my mom would have handled it a little better and helped build up my self esteem a bit but I understand why she pushed me so hard. Back then everyone was stick thin, there were very few heavy kids male or female. By the time I graduated I was pushing 180 ( and I thought I was HUGE!!!!!! Funny I think that just might be around my goal weight, I have yet to decide though)
During my first pregnancy I gained 75 pound and only lost 30, turned around WHOOPS I was pregnant again (I swear I slept through that one! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!) Yep 2 babies 13 months apart and only gained 50 pounds that time.
I did manage to yo-yo my way through waaaaaay tooooooo many diets to remember.... lost tons of weight through the years just never more than 50 or 60 pounds at a time and never being able to stick to anything more than 6 months in a row until now.
My work started a Biggest Loser competition and they wanted to put us on teams and they put up some $$$$$$ SOOOOOOO You bet I signed up. I knew I could drop some pounds and I had been thinking about it anyway so why not. Besides I had just gotten engaged so I might look a little better in wedding pics right! I went home and told my Fiance about the challenge and he said he would do it with me but we had to do it his way (insert eye roll here) He wanted to do the whole Low Carb...I AM MAN I EAT MEAT DIET thing ( yep throw in another eye roll) SOOOO I said sure Honey ( insert sarcastic I'm telling you what you want to hear answer) And I set off to prove him wrong and that this LOW CARB THING WILL NOT WORK!!!! I decided to give it 2 weeks because I was sure by then I will have gained not lost... I know how to diet.... after all I have been at this my whole flippin life! WOW I WAS SO WRONG!!!! I have since researched it and turns out that basically its a diabetic diet that we follow. I have read some of Dr. Adkins things but he is a bit to restrictive for my liking. I'm going for the LIFESTYLE CHANGE here. It has to be something I can live with for the rest of my days not just for 6 months. So like I have said in some of my other post I'm going on 11 months and counting, down 87 pounds so far and my Hubby is down 61 pounds. There has been some cheats along the way, my poor husband craves pizza and I do need some ice cream every once in a while. I am a work in progress...... OHHHHH and btw....my team lost by 2/10 of a pound (the skinny girl gained 2 pounds on the day of the last weigh in... I lost the most overall but there was no $$prize for that...lol Just less of me to go around which is better than $$$0 -
I was large as a child, but lost it all in the summer I went to high school. I yo-yo'ed in my 20's but was about 150lbs when I got married in 1995. The following year I had my first daughter Kayleigh and it spiralled after that. I've tried every diet going and have came to the conclusion that I need to change lifestyle. I've also managed to recognise that sometimes when I think I'm hungry, actually dehydrated. Managing to drink around 3 litres of water per day. I feel that something has actually clicked in my brain now and I'm determined to make this work.0
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I was large as a child, but lost it all in the summer I went to high school. I yo-yo'ed in my 20's but was about 150lbs when I got married in 1995. The following year I had my first daughter Kayleigh and it spiralled after that and continued to spiral after I had my second daughter Clare. I've tried every diet going and have came to the conclusion that I need to change lifestyle. I've also managed to recognise that sometimes when I think I'm hungry, actually dehydrated. Managing to drink around 3 litres of water per day. I feel that something has actually clicked in my brain now and I'm determined to make this work.0
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Crikey, where do I start?
I was a curvy teen, not really too bothered about my body until I started getting badly physically and mentally bullied at school. It also didn't help that my dad would make jibes about what I looked like, and how I wasn't a typical girl (because I wore jeans and a t-shirt, read horror novels and wrote ghost stories).
This went on for a while, and I started to comfort eat, which I guess was the wrong thing to do when I was being teased about my weight! I withdrew completely, lost touch with a lot of things in real life, and I was diagnosed with acute depression and anxiety.
My college years came and went, I was still overweight but I think my weight stayed about the same. Then some bad things happened in my life, things that left me traumatised, added to the ongoing depressive issues, and I once again turned to food for comfort. I also used food as a way to keep people away from me. I thought that people would stay away from me if I was huge and unattractive.
Then, I started to work in catering, and I lost some of the weight without trying. Being on my feet for 16 hours a day in a hot kitchen, working around food, I lost my appetite for junk. I also gained a bunch of lovely friends, some of whom are still my friends today. They knew I had depressive episodes, and did what they could to support me, even if it meant letting me blast out classic rock music in the kitchen during my shifts (music's always been a big help to me).
After a couple of years, I moved away from catering and in to office work, which meant sitting on my butt for 8 hours a day, and the weight just flooded back. I've tried so many different diets that I can't remember them all. I failed every time. I'd do really well for a month or two, maybe even three, but then old habits would creep back in, or depression would sink in, and the diet would be done.
This time around, I'm working on changing my thought processes, improving my mental health as well as my physical health, and things are going better. I'm learning to deal with the depressive episodes and not running straight for the fridge. I keep some food prepared so that when I can't deal with the thought of cooking, or shopping, or going out, I have something there and don't reach for those trusty takeaway menus.
And I'm being honest with my partner. We've been together for 8 years. He knows all about my mental health issues, and my constant battle with food and weight, and is doing what he can to help me. I've lost 22lbs so far (it was 24lbs, but I had a bad week), and even signed up with a gym. I only go super early on weekends at the moment as its too much to deal with when its busy, but I like it. I don't push myself too hard, and I'm building up my stamina. I plan on doing a 10k (6.2 mile) walk for charity in July, and would like to be able to walk a 10 mile route by the end of the year. Goals are important for me, as I'm someone who needs something to look forward to. I reached my first goal when I lost my first stone (14lbs), and my next is to ditch the 300lb range and drop into the 200lbs. I'm keeping my weight goals small and achievable for now.
My food regime right now is to stay within my calorie range, to not deprive myself totally of the things I like, and to go for smaller portions that I am used to. And to get some exercise every day, even if its just for 15 minutes.
Ok, I've talked enough now!
Jenni0 -
People's stories are all really moving. Thank you for sharing. You all deserve to reach your goals. I like to think that we are all working towards our goals for each other as well as ourselves. That motivates me.0
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HI all, my name is Peg. I am 5'11 1/2" tall (6 feet with shoes!), and have been this height since the 8th grade. I like being tall, but my height always distorted my weight concerns, especially because I am built like a sturdy German farm girl! Long story short, I was slightly heavy when I was young, but active and fit. As I got older, had babies, and got a desk job, the weight piled on. Last May I made a resolution to take care of my health and got a physical and visited the Wellness Coach provided as benefit through my employer. I started at 340 pounds, and have lost 77 by gradually increasing my physical activity and tracking my intake. On the plus side, I have built some great fitness habits (Jazzercise 5x/week, walking 2+ miles 6x/week), but I have hit a lull in my motivation/dedication/whatever and have neglected my tracker more often than not in the last several weeks.
And a bit of trivia, I have a twin sister and we are roughly the same size now.0 -
I have been overweight most of my life. Two events in childhood turned it from me being chubby to me overeating. The first was my parents divorcing when I was 9 and the second was giving up tap and ballet when I was 12. In high school I was the biggest girl in my year. The first time I tried to do something about it was when I joined Slimming World at 17. Since then I have also joined weight watchers a few times and seen dietitians etc.
My issues led to me gaining weight, then my weight became my main issue.
9 years ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. At the time it was a big shock, but I continued to eat. I have been through all the type 2 medications and now I am on insulin. But up until this latest attempt I still didn't have good control. The professionals have done as much as they can for me, the problem is and always has been me! To be more precise my head!
I have suffered with ibs since I was 6 years old and have it very bad. I regularly have flare ups and time off sick. Yet here I am still very overweight and shoving as much chocolate in as I can. 26 days ago I had a bad ibs flare up. Not the worst I've ever had, but bad. For the first time something seemed to click in my brain. I just kept saying I can't do this anymore, I don't want to do this anymore. 24 days ago when better, I logged back on here and started again. So far I have only had one really bad day (this Sunday just gone), where easter eggs got the better of me. But that was day 20 and I've never made it passed day 5 before.
A few days ago I updated the 'Why I want to get in shape' part of my profile:
I don't want to look like this anymore.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I don't want to be constantly tired anymore.
I don't want everything to be an uphill battle anymore.
I don't want to sweat everywhere I go anymore.
I want to have energy to do the things I want to do.
I want to enjoy life.
I want to wear dresses in the summer.
I want to no longer be controlled by food.
I want to be proud of myself for finally achieving something.
I want my loved ones to be proud of me for finally getting control of my life.
I WANT TO LIVE!!!!0 -
Clarissa, I totally get the Easter egg thing. I will be SO happy when those &*%$!! Cadbury mini eggs are no longer available!0
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Yes shops are cruel always promoting tempting treats for so many different occasions they all seem to merge into one long all year round scoffing fest. Shops don't help at all , they want us to buy loads to make them richer. I have not been too bad this year with easter eggs, I have not even had a cream egg, unusual for me as I usually eat them in packs of 3 or whatever they come in, I have seen 6 packs are a new thing now. I have been tempted by hot cross buns though, ate 2 packs of them on saterday along with a bar of choc because I am too mean to spend extra on egg shaped choc. I felt really ill after as usual. I get IBS too and all grains set it off for me along with dairy and an ever growing list of random other stuff, I know this but it rarely stops me. It is crazy that I can be bloated up like a balloon, all swollen and in pain dashing to bathroom every few minutes and still I keep stuffing the very foods in my mouth that I know make it worse. For me I totally see it as a full blown addiction. I get so frustrated with myself. That is why I wanted to get this week off to a good start and have a group like this to help me stay on track. So far this week it is working and my intestines are much happier for it.0
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ObesityWarrior - That could so easily have been me that wrote your last post!0
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Have always been a little overweight, but it really got out of control in my twenties. Looking back I can see I was very depressed in my job with a horrible boss. By the time I transferred to a new office with a better boss, I was already over 300 lbs. Then when I was battling cancer I was eating to try to counteract the fatigue which ended up with my weight going up to 384 lbs. I find I am an emotional eater. I will eat out of boredom or when stressed or depressed. Currently I am trying to use needle work to counteract the boredom and stress. I get so frustrated when it gets away from me and I purchase food then go on a binge. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and one mini goal at a time. As of last week I have lost 13 lbs since restarting.0
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I was always the fat kid in school, but never had serious health problems. Even into my late 20s, I was pretty active, but never thin. A desk job started the slow accumulation of lbs, until I found myself at an embarrassing, and startling 403.
Between Jan 2011 and Jan 2012, I lost 109 lbs, then hit a plateau. I wasn't losing, but was maintaining pretty well. Then, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and I had to watch him slowly die for the next 2 years. During that time, I gained about 30 lbs back, and after he passed, I gained another 30 over that next year.
Once I got back on solid ground, I worked about 20 of that off again, and hit another plateau. Some recent news really motivated me to make drastic lifestyle changes, and while I'm still trying to figure out how to really eat "clean", I've jumped off the plateau, and am losing every week.
I've lost all the weight I put back on after Dad got diagnosed, and am nearing the lowest weight I've been in my adult life. NOTHING is going to stop me from achieving my weight goals. I finally figured out that there's no shortcut to this, no magic bullet, or pill. It's hard work, tenacity, motivation, and time.0 -
I was a happy skinny kid until my parents divorced when I was 6. My dad ended up getting custody of us even though he was physically and mentally abusive. I felt like my mom had abandoned me and didn't fight hard enough to get us out of that environment. We were also pretty poor and food was not readily available. I think that I started using food as a comfort when I could get it. We stayed with my grandmother often, which is the only place I truly felt safe. Of course being a grandmother - she loved us with food. Food became love.
By the time I was 14 I weighed 211 lbs. (What I wouldn't give to weigh that now - HA). I met a boy and by senior year of high school I was down to 165 and of course being 18- felt I was FAT. I met another boy and we dated for 4 years. I got comfortable and over that 4 years I gained almost 100 lbs topping out at 255.
I stayed in the mid 200's until I was 29 and decided I needed to get the weight off at whatever costs necessary. Unfortunately that meant a lot of binge/purge cycles and exercising. Eventually I was eating more normally and found a love for running. I was training for a 5K and not even thinking about weight loss. By simply running almost 4 miles a day and eating normally the weight was coming off. When I ran my 5K in 2011 I was 230 lbs.
As soon as I ran the 5 K - I stopped running. I have no idea why, other than I met ANOTHER boy and got comfortable. That comfort led to me gaining 70 lbs during our 2 year relationship. We ultimately broke up and I wonder if the weight was part of that.
I met my fiance soon after but have managed to gain another 30 lbs putting me at my all time high of 330. I am 34 years old and I weight 330 lbs. I can no longer be in denial of this weight. I need to learn to lose it and live a healthy lifestyle once and for all.
So here I am at 330 starting my journey to eating in moderation with a calorie deficit and incorporating exercise into my life for good. My goal right now is to lose 100 lbs by the time I get married in April of 2017. I want to get back to 230, the weight I was when I ran my 5K. I'd also like to do another 5K before the wedding. After reaching 230 I don't know what my goal will be. It all seems so far away that I can't even imagine being less than 230 so that is what I am focusing on now.
My biggest weakness is alcohol. I developed a slight habit of drinking wine almost daily. I have cut it back to only social situations (usually 1 time a week, maybe 2). I have the advantage that I actually like to jog- my body just isn't cooperating quite yet. Hard to move this 330 lb body very fast or without very sore muscles the next day.
I'm going to keep going this time, eating right, not getting off track when I slip up, exercising and doing MFP diary. I look forward to getting to know you all and working together to achieve great things!
Age 34
Starting Weight 330
Current Weight 226.4
Goal 230 in 1 year for my wedding April 20170 -
** current weight 326.4 - OOPS I wish LOL0
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Welcome Kristen
Another moving history. I truly believe we can all reach our goals and stay there long term if we stick with it and stick together. Group spirit is what keeps me going.0 -
Spoiler for child abuse and domestic violence. Skip if this is a trigger for you.
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Well... why not. I feel like a total joiner today. This is not a pretty story so once again, if you don't like the personal stuff please skip this one.
I'll try my best to make it short.
My mother is a victim of childhood sexual abuse and the child of alcoholics. Ditto my father. They married when I was around 2 years old and divorced when I was 3. My father went on to another more permanent relationship which resulted in a half sister, but didn't marry his partner until shortly before his death almost 40 years later.
I lived with my mother who went on to marry four more times for a total of five. Her second marriage was to a pedophile who became the father of my other sibling, a half sister. That marriage lasted approx. nine years, the duration of which I was sexually abused by this man from the time I was 3 and he moved into our home.
My mother had no idea the abuse occurred until I was 40. I basically carried that secret around all my life and only trusted anyone enough to share it just lately. I've never received treatment and I know I need this. I'm actively seeking a therapist for that purpose.
My abuser was an extremely cruel man. Looking back on it now I'd definitely call him a sadist. He did things to me that sicken me over and above what you might feel when you think of a pedophile in general, especially now that I'm a mother. He not only abused me physically but mentally, to keep me terrified and controlled.
As a result I turned to food for comfort and having learned from an early age to trust no one, that's pretty much been my only solace my entire life. I smoked from the time I was 18 until I was 30 and this kept the weight down considerably, but after quitting I quickly ballooned up by turning back to food. I don't have any other coping mechanisms. I'm working on establishing those now on my own.
My mother is a very driven, successful career person. She has good intentions and loved us, but her focus wasn't on her children so she missed the abuse, and obviously with her background had issues of her own to deal with. So I was basically alone to sink or swim and I sank. I became an extremely shy, introverted, private, mistrustful loner with no friends. I've pretty much remained that way until just lately when I feel compelled to try to change things for the better.
I became a single mother at 18 after my first relationship. I had never dated before but because of the abuse I thought the way you showed love was physically. The child's father asked me to marry him but I said no and chose to raise my daughter on my own.
Four years after her birth, my mother introduced me to the son of a work colleague. He was very handsome, quiet and seemingly sweet. We dated briefly and married soon after. I think we were both simply tired of being alone. He turned out to have severe mental issues I missed because he was so quiet, the main one being not being able to handle his anger. He was very aggressive when upset and shortly into our marriage began beating me.
Due to my mother's many failed relationships I was determined for mine not to end in divorce, so I did everything I knew how to try and make it work. That marriage resulted in a son and lasted 6.5 years before it got so bad I ended it.
I met my current (second and last) husband online and we've been together for 17 years. We have two children of our own and similar pasts. The good thing about him is he's a great father, very supportive and understanding, thankfully not violent in the least, has an excellent work ethic, is a wonderful provider and the first safe place I've ever known. Together we're working out all the badness.
So that's where I am right now. Trying to undo all those awful years, bad habits, damage, and hopefully make a fresh start from right now and get things right this time. Get healthy, face down these demons, develop self-control and healthy coping mechanisms, do some living instead of just existing.
My plan of action is lifestyle change. A total overhaul. Learning about nutrition, portion control, how to cope with stress in productive ways, etc. etc. etc. Also learning how to love me. That's a biggie. Until now my life has been about hiding, withdrawing, trying to minimize the pain. I want to quit that nonsense because I realize I'm all I've got. This body I have right now, it's the only one I have, and it deserves to be loved and respected and treated well. That's what I hope to learn to do and implement on this site. And if not here, then I'll search elsewhere, but so far so good. Things are looking hopeful.0 -
LCSt68 - Wow that is a very sad story, but even though I don't know you I am so proud of you for sharing it. It can't have been easy, but hopefully it will be a big step in achieving everything you want.
I'm so glad you now have a supportive husband and hopefully a happier life.
You have joined a good group and we will support you through the good the bad and the ugly, which will hopefully lead to us all becoming the best versions of ourselves0 -
Thank you for sharing LCSt68, we have a lot in common. I am sorry you had to go through so much. Sadly there are a lot of predators out there and they are very good at hiding it and at choosing victims who are already vulnerable.
Fortunately there are also a lot of lovely people out there who help enable a lot of healing to happen. I have had lots of counselling and therapy. I did find it helpful to talk things through and talk about things I never had been able to before. My only advice is to make sure you feel really comfortable with the counsellor or therapist you are working with. Also be prepared that although it is freeing to talk about stuff it can also stir up a great deal of pain and trauma and make it all feel very raw more so than ever. Just be very gentle with yourself and keep people around you who love and respect you. Talking helps but it can never undo the past. I think talking helped me because it helped me accept that the shame I felt was not right. Abusers make the victims feel shame but it is the abusers who the shame belongs to. It made me realise I am more than a victim and that I do not want to remain feeling like a victim.
We survive things that should never have happened to us but we did survive. Food is a comfort for many and I find it really hard to let go of that comfort. Also I really do panic when my fat bubble starts getting smaller. I only realised recently that I actually do use the fat as a shield to hide behind. It is really hard to change that but one day at a time I am doing my best. The road to healing is not smooth and is lifelong. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Well done for being here.
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Thank you so much for your support and encouragement ladies. I was and am still afraid I'll offend someone by telling something so raw in public but it's the answer to the question I see in other people's eyes (why are you so big?) everywhere I go. It took a long time to develop the courage to seek an answer to that question and begin healing. If it helps anyone even just a little then I'm not sorry I shared.
And yes yes yes, total agreement, this weight is a shield against everything I feel vulnerable to and ill equipped to handle. In that knowledge is the key to putting the shield down and learning a different way.
Thank you for the advice about the therapist I will keep that in mind. I did begin working with one about a year ago but had to stop because our styles were too different, so I recognize the truth in what you're saying. You have to have a rapport.0 -
Trigger warning: Anorexia (also lots of fast food talk, which I understand might be a trigger to some)
Like many in this group, my weight has been a problem since I was a child. I don't really even remember being average-sized, as I was probably 6-7 years old when I became overweight. Until I was 14 I was overweight-to-obese, I think I weighed 220 at my then-highest. Then I had a very bad onset of depression (which has since been diagnosed as bipolar II) and I became unintentionally anorexic. I lost about 45 pounds in 2-3 months. On the bright side, I no longer ate out of boredom... on the down side, that meant I only ate one meal a day (dinner with my family) which wasn't enough to satisfy my daily needs.
I loved the attention I got for being thin. I hadn't tried to get there, but soon people at school were commenting on it (it largely happened over the summer, so many people just saw a really sudden change and almost didn't recognize me). I remember walking from my house to my grandma's one day and these guys who lived across the street from me just said, "Wow... Sara, is that you!? You look great!" And I just felt so confident, for the first time since I could remember. After I was medicated and dealing with my depression and anxiety, I started eating normally, which of course meant I gained weight.
For a few years, it was fine. I weighed about 195-200 pounds (~a 20 pound gain from my anorexia days) but my body is blessedly proportioned, and I never look at heavy as I am, so I still liked my body, for the most part. As years went on though, I fell back into boredom eating... and then eventually emotional eating (which is the kiss of death with bipolar, as I have "rapid cycling" bipolar, which means I almost always am in, what I call, an emotional-whiplash state.) Ever since the anorexia it's been very hard not to go back to starving myself (even if it was unintended the first time). It came off so fast and people thought I looked amazing.
I slowly gained at least 100 pounds since about 2008, the last 20-30 pounds being helped along by a mood-stabilizing medication that also caused PCOS, which I was diagnosed with in February 2015.
I moved from Pennsylvania to live with my boyfriend in Berlin, Germany in July 2015. The lifestyle difference in combination (I believe) with changing to a medication with fewer side effects let me lose roughly 15 pounds without changing food or exercise habits. This finally got me more motivated than I've ever been. I'm very glad to be in Germany for this, as I just don't make as many healthy choices in the US. Fast food isn't "fast" in this country, or at least in the middle of Berlin, where I have to walk or take the metro to the nearest McDonald's or Subway, unlike in the US where I drove everywhere and would easily pass 2-3 McDonald's on my way to the grocery store.
In my last 1.5 years as an undergraduate I commuted 45 minutes each way and became best friends with McDonald's. I ate at least 6 McDoubles, 3 McChickens, and 96 oz. of Coke per week, on top of the 1-2 liters/day that I already drank at home. Not to mention the fast food I ate when my mom and I would just decide to have fast food because we felt like it.
Now I eat fast food (usually Subway or McDonald's) about once per every 1-1.5 months and I'm trying to get off my soda addiction. I love Coke, but my PCOS did not so I cut it out for about two months. My glucose intolerance symptoms started going away, so a couple weeks ago I allowed myself 6 oz. (I split a can with my boyfriend) of Coke, to see if I still got sick. I loved it and didn't get ill, but 6 oz. was actually my limit! It was just too sweet and... not natural tasting after the first few swigs. So I figure if I can stay with 6-8 oz. no more than once/month, I should be fine, since it didn't trigger me to want more.
Anyway... I've finally lost 5 additional pounds on top of the 15 that I lost just from non-food related lifestyle changes, and I'm feeling very good. I know that this will be a long journey though and am hoping that I can keep myself motivated to keep using MFP, even on days that I go over my limit. It's so easy to think, "Well, this will blow my limit for today... but I want it anyway... so I guess I'll just not log today and come back tomorrow," which of course is a dangerous cycle.
Sorry that was long... but it contained my biggest recurring struggles so I wanted to share it.0 -
I did not grow up overweight. Throughout all of my teens and twenties, I wore itty bitty thong bikinis. Then I turned 30....
I started to gain weight in my very early 30s. I had a high stress job working in television news. I worked a lot of overnights and "floating" shifts. Then I had my daughter. That was 70lbs. I lost some of that weight, but not all of it. Then I had my son. Another huge weight gain. Again I lose some, but not all. Between the 2 pregnancies, I was up about 70lbs overall.
Despite that weight gain, I was active and healthy. I was in a hiking club and felt like there wasn't any activity I couldn't participate in. Then in 2010, I fell down the stairs. I tore my meniscus and some ligaments. I did not go to the doctor right away. I told myself it would be better in a few months. Well, a few months turned into a whole year. A whole year of being in pain and inactive. I finally did have surgery in 2011, but the recovery didn't go well. I spent another entire year being inactive and gaining weight. Actually, until I had my heart attack 2 months ago, I was still mostly inactive and I still struggle with terrible knee pain today.
My biggest regret... Is and always will be not being the kind of mom that I wanted be for my kids. When I fell down the stairs in 2010, my kids were only 3 and 5. That's a lot of activities I missed out on. A lot of bike riding, hiking, and practicing soccer in the backyard. I hate that about myself.
My goal is to be able to take my kids to six flags and be able to fit on the rides. Or to be able to walk on the beach with them without gasping for air. I recently went on a Girl Scout camping trip with my daughter and I couldn't complete the hike. All the other moms took my daughter and went on without me. It was humiliating. I cry thinking about it.
About 10 weeks later, I had a heart attack... At 44 YEARS OLD!!! I'm now the youngest person in cardiac rehab by 25-30 years!!! But I'm trying to improve my health so I can live to see my kids graduate from high school and hopefully see my grandchildren. I just can't believe it allowed it to get to this point.
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I noticed this thread the day it was posted and wanted to add my story but I didn't for some reason. Maybe I wasn't ready yet maybe I was being lazy because I knew it would be a lot to type. Either way I think of this thread almost every day and I suppose it's time to try to put my story into words.
I've battled with weight my whole life. I was a chubby kid. Nothing too crazy just slightly bigger. I was teased relentlessly though. I was teased by classmates and family alike. I remember laying on my back as a child staring at my stomach wishing I had a different body. I wasn't even 10 and I hated myself.
Why was I an over weight child? Well my home life wasn't the best. Don't get me wrong I was lucky it wasn't worse. My father is an alcoholic that abused prescription drugs. He has a lot of mental issues he refuses to address and they haunt him. He in turn took this out on my mother and I. His theory was that if my sister was his baby girl I had to belong to my mother; so every time he was mad at her he took it out on me to make her feel worse. Bit of a jerk. He yelled, threw things at me, made sure I knew I was less important to him by taking my sister out for treats and leaving me at home, he even went as far as to make me put back food because he said I was too fat and didn't need to eat.
My mom was in a bad place during this all. She was the only one that worked and only had a part time job. We weren't able to afford much and didn't have a car until I was a teenager. Her major coping mechanism was food. We ate a lot of cheap comfort food. Any sort of treats we got were in the form of food. We did well we got a cookie from the store. This went on for a long time and I learned a lot of really bad habits I was fortunate in a way when I was 14. My dad crossed the line and we got a restraining order on him.
I need to take this back a bit to explain another factor to my weight. When I was 12 I started working hard to be a healthy weight because I wanted to look close to normal. I joined sports at school and tried running when I was at home but something happened.
I was a part of several sports at school when I noticed great pain in my hip. I could barely walk let alone run. I had to drop out of my teams and started to fail my P.E. classes. I would come home from school and lay down and cry in pain. My mom took me to the doctor and they couldn't figure out what was wrong. They took x-rays and nothing showed up so they treated me for tendinitis. I was sent to physical therapy and given anti inflammatories. This didn't help and I essentially stopped moving. I stopped all of the sports I had joined and any extra movement. Needless to say I started to gain weight again.
That lasted for three years. My mom knew I was in pain and she kept taking me back to the doctors. I was very fortunate to have an amazing doctor that believed me that something was wrong. He sent me to another facility that had a brand new x-ray machine to see if there was anything we were missing. There was. I had a hip fracture. I had broken my hip three years before and continued to re injure the joint. Long story short I had a brand new surgery that re construed the entire joint.
That took me off my feet entirely for 3 months then another 2 on a cane or crutches. It took nearly a year before I could walk normally. Unfortunately I still have chronic pain in the joint. Don't get me wrong it's worlds better than before though. I walked on my new joint for three years before the height discrepancy was discovered. My surgery made my leg half an inch shorter. Those years my knee compressed due to my new found weight and height discrepancy.
After all that I did the easy thing and stopped walking as much so I wouldn't hurt. This led to a horrible cycle of weight gain. The extra weight hurt my joints more witch made me stop walking as much causing more weight gain. I had my own mental illnesses to overcome on top of my physical problems and just snowballed to higher and higher weights.
At that point in my life I just accepted what I was and the weight I was gaining. I would try some quick diet for a few weeks then drop it. Nothing stuck because I didn't really care all that much. Then another big change happened in my life. I was blessed with nephew.
I can't have kids so my nephew is a big deal in my life. He was a big wake up call. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to see him grow up and I knew that my lifestyle wouldn't allow me to do that. I was 368 lbs and gaining at that point. I have a family history of diabetes and heart problems. I'm lucky nothing has happened yet. So I started to make a change. This time I'm sticking with it. I'm not going to let old habits and pain hold me back.1 -
Thank you for sharing your story. These stories just go to show that it is easy for thin people to look at fat people and think we are all lazy greedy pigs who bought it on ourselves, but in reality there are always a combination of serious issues that very understandably lead us to being in this position.
I relate to lots in your story. My dad was also an abusive alcoholic. My mum was also victimised and very poor. She also used cheap junk food as her way of rewarding and comforting everything. When you are brought up with that it just seems normal to be eating that way. Then when people are cruel about appearance the comfort eating habit just creates a vicious cycle of Physical & emotional pain , more comfort eating, more abuse and it just goes on and on. I also can not have children but I never wanted to bring anyone in to this world so am ok with that.
I do want to have a better quality of life though. Mental health issues, physical health issues, normal life stresses and morbid obesity all together just gets too much. The fat is the easiest one to get any control over but still it is not easy. I got myself some hiking sticks the other week to walk with because my knees are ruined especially my right knee. They both hurt every day. Physio discharged me with instructions to just keep moving as much as I can to build up strength in muscles and tendons to support faulty joints and of course to try and lose weight to reduce pressure on joints. I am only 35. I could not get on with normal walking sticks but I find the hiking sticks very helpful. My hiking stick and comfy shoes have revolutionised my ability to get moving. Swimming is good too but my local pool is closed and due to be demolished and reopen in 2020 or after.0 -
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I was always a bigger kid nothing extreme or anything but I can remember my mom always telling me to "suck it in" so I've had a pretty negative view of my body for as long as I can remember. I also never learned much about eating healthy as a kid. My dad was gone for work a lot and my mom just didn't really cook much. My mom was anorexic when she was younger. She won't admit that but she lost a bunch of weight eating grapes, cheese and a tablespoon of peanut butter when she started to feel weak. I don't blame my mom at all for my own struggle with weight, it's my own struggle.
My first attempt to lose weight was in 2011 before my junior prom, I lost about 35 lbs but I ended up gaining it all back plus some. In 2013 I lost almost 50 after getting up to 280 lbs. but here I am again up to 306.
I am starting over and I'm determined. Since my last try at losing weight I have learned that I am a binge eater and it is something I am more aware of now and I was also diagnosed with PCOS which I have been told may work against me but I know it's not impossible!0 -
@Leah I also have PCOS and binge eating disorder. I have lost nearly all the excess weight twice in my life and chunks of it numerous times. PCOS does make it harder because it makes the body more prone to store fat but I have found it is still totally possible to lose the weight. Binge eating on the other hand I find to be a more serious problem and why I am here again. If I ever find the solution I promise to share it. Until then great to have you on board and just stick with it no matter what. I have fallen way off the wagon twice since start of year and it is uber frustrating but I am still here and still hopeful.0