Fat hate
LCSt68
Posts: 67 Member
Feeling like you have a target on your chest. The hateful looks. The disgusted stares. The laughter, mostly from young people but more often than you'd think, from adults. The noises. Pfft! BAH. OMG! LOOK at that. Can you BELIEVE that?
The people who stand in groups tittering as you walk by. Those who follow for a while, roll their eyes, talk behind their hands and titter some more. The ones who stop on the street, bend over at the waist with twisted faces and squinted eyes pointed at you, barely able to hold in their contempt.
Strangers with 'good intentions' who grab your sleeve when you're out shopping and minding your own business and scold you for your own good. "You know... you are MUCH too fat. All you need to do is eat less and move more."
The tiny male doctor who stands at the foot of your hospital bed when you're in for a routine procedure having nothing to do with your weight, screaming at you and promising you'll be dead within 5 years if you don't lower your calorie intake to 1500 per day although you're almost 6 feet tall and sturdily built.
Doctors who make faces while examining you. Doctors who don't examine you at all. Consider you a dead person walking, waste of their time and the taxpayer dollar. Have a 'sucks to be you!' attitude. Whose only advice is "Lose weight, you'll feel better. Next!"
Having no friends because people are embarrassed to be around you. Only experiencing basic courtesy when someone is about to sell you something, and often not even then.
Having people get up and move when you sit down. Having people stare at you from across the room, frowning and cringing when you sit, like the furniture is about to explode.
When people approach you pretending to be friendly for the benefit of others who are curious and want something to gossip about. Feeling like you're on stage while they question you, then noticing the group they came from watching from a distance, laughing and talking animatedly when the bold one rejoins them. Never to be approached again. No longer able to block out the hissing whispers they emit whenever you pass.
I could go on for a while more but I'll leave it there. In each instance I was mortified but my southern mama raised me to be polite so I smiled, maintained my dignity and endured it. The problem is it happens daily. Every single time I show my face in public. So much so that for the past couple years I avoided going out as much as possible. Which of course has resulted in more weight gain. Vicious circle.
I look at my feet a lot when I go out. I blind myself to my surroundings as much as possible. I keep busy at home. I enjoy and am so grateful for my children and husband, without whom I know I would be very alone.
Despite my best efforts every so often I catch a glare here, hear a whisper there, forget to tune out. Sometimes I'm happy and enjoying myself and let my armor drop. But you can bet those righteously indignant masses for whom I'm a grotesque are on the job 24/7. I spend the next few days pulling the barbs out one by one and salving the wounds.
The saying "What strangers think of you is none of your business" doesn't apply when strangers make it their business to let you know exactly what they're thinking. The challenge is how to deal with it, which is the reason for this post. I want to explore coping mechanisms for living overweight until I get to my goal in a society which is grossly unforgiving of anything that does meet current media standard.
The people who stand in groups tittering as you walk by. Those who follow for a while, roll their eyes, talk behind their hands and titter some more. The ones who stop on the street, bend over at the waist with twisted faces and squinted eyes pointed at you, barely able to hold in their contempt.
Strangers with 'good intentions' who grab your sleeve when you're out shopping and minding your own business and scold you for your own good. "You know... you are MUCH too fat. All you need to do is eat less and move more."
The tiny male doctor who stands at the foot of your hospital bed when you're in for a routine procedure having nothing to do with your weight, screaming at you and promising you'll be dead within 5 years if you don't lower your calorie intake to 1500 per day although you're almost 6 feet tall and sturdily built.
Doctors who make faces while examining you. Doctors who don't examine you at all. Consider you a dead person walking, waste of their time and the taxpayer dollar. Have a 'sucks to be you!' attitude. Whose only advice is "Lose weight, you'll feel better. Next!"
Having no friends because people are embarrassed to be around you. Only experiencing basic courtesy when someone is about to sell you something, and often not even then.
Having people get up and move when you sit down. Having people stare at you from across the room, frowning and cringing when you sit, like the furniture is about to explode.
When people approach you pretending to be friendly for the benefit of others who are curious and want something to gossip about. Feeling like you're on stage while they question you, then noticing the group they came from watching from a distance, laughing and talking animatedly when the bold one rejoins them. Never to be approached again. No longer able to block out the hissing whispers they emit whenever you pass.
I could go on for a while more but I'll leave it there. In each instance I was mortified but my southern mama raised me to be polite so I smiled, maintained my dignity and endured it. The problem is it happens daily. Every single time I show my face in public. So much so that for the past couple years I avoided going out as much as possible. Which of course has resulted in more weight gain. Vicious circle.
I look at my feet a lot when I go out. I blind myself to my surroundings as much as possible. I keep busy at home. I enjoy and am so grateful for my children and husband, without whom I know I would be very alone.
Despite my best efforts every so often I catch a glare here, hear a whisper there, forget to tune out. Sometimes I'm happy and enjoying myself and let my armor drop. But you can bet those righteously indignant masses for whom I'm a grotesque are on the job 24/7. I spend the next few days pulling the barbs out one by one and salving the wounds.
The saying "What strangers think of you is none of your business" doesn't apply when strangers make it their business to let you know exactly what they're thinking. The challenge is how to deal with it, which is the reason for this post. I want to explore coping mechanisms for living overweight until I get to my goal in a society which is grossly unforgiving of anything that does meet current media standard.
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I can totally understand a lot of this.
If its not the little giggles, its the strangers making mean comments, and then explaining that 'they're only concerned for your health'. Its even worse when they tell you 'how to be healthy', or think they have some magic cure that will suddenly make any health problems you have vanish, or have no idea that you've lived with mental health issues, and huge self-esteem problems for years, and they are actually making the situation worse.
Being laughed at in a gym was a new experience for me. I was walking through, to get to the area where my weight loss group meets, and two girls looked me up and down, and then laughed at me. I was in a bloody gym! If they had an issue with how I looked, surely they recognised that I was in the right place to be doing something about it.
I've been lucky in the friends department. I have some truly wonderful friends who understand that sometimes I can't join them for various activities, whether its because I have issues with anxiety and depression, or its because I know I can't be as active as them. But, sometimes, something happens that makes me feel truly awful - they adapt their plans for me. I know I should be happy that they're willing to do that, but I usually end up saying that I can't make it, so that they can go ahead with their original plans.
I don't cope well with the 'helpful advice' from strangers. It makes me withdraw into myself, it only serves to highlight to me what I look like, to highlight that that's what people see when they first see me. They don't see me as a person with thoughts and feelings, they see me as a fatty. My coping mechanisms were/ sometimes still are one of the reasons that got me here - I eat.
One of my new coping mechanisms when I'm out alone, are audiobooks. Not only do I get the pleasure of listening to a book, but the narrator drowns out other voices. I try to make a little time in the evenings to focus on something that I like about myself or just something fun, even when I'm feeling awful. It could be spending a little time writing a story, or doing a puzzle, or trying something different with my hair (it still always ends in a bun or plait).
I don't think there's anything we can do about the behaviour of others. I know I should hold my head high when I hear those comments, but that's a lot easier said than done. But maybe we should take heart, all of us here are working to be a happier version of us, maybe that's what we need to remind ourselves of. I don't think there are any short answers, and I guess they'll be different for each of us.0 -
I think I must be incredibly lucky -- or have incredibly bad hearing -- because I can recall only one time encountering the rude comments as an adult. That happened while I was at university, aged 19 or so (and much, much smaller than my current size). Someone basically said that I couldn't be trusted around their lunches, I might steal them... or something like that, I wasn't even there at the time & someone else told me about it later. I was able to shrug it off because the rude girl was such a mess of a person, it just seemed more pathetic than anything. [Obviously in school, people will find any stupid thing to say to try & hurt you... formative years are also when humans are at maximum idiocy and *ssholery. That's why honestly, I don't ever think of those comments.]
What I have experienced as a proper adult, is when people avoid me because I'm fat. People avoid meeting my eyes and rarely speak to me unless I initiate conversation first.
The worst example of this happened in January during an ice-breaker situation, everyone was told to stand up and pick partners. A few of us were slightly delayed because of signing a form, so 30 seconds after the instructions, there were only three non-partnered people remaining besides myself. The person just ahead of me (and the most obvious partner selection due to proximity) saw me looking at him, ducked his head to avoid eye contact and attempted to hide behind someone else. I turned around - the girl behind me/to my right also dropped her gaze, then nearly sprinted forward to get away from me and towards the hiding guy. I turned directly behind me, and that person realized she was the last one - she literally heaved a sigh, then walked up to me reluctantly. Geez, you'd have thought being fat was contagious, based on that reaction! (I can just see the tabloid headline now. Obesity: The Next Ebola?)
Anyway, while it hurt, even more it just annoyed me. I remember thinking, what nasty, small-minded individuals, and how much they must be missing out in life because of it.
I'm very sad to hear that you've gotten much more shoddy treatment, BigChange and LC
I just don't understand what is wrong with people, that they'd think that's even close to being ok to say such things. Also, I think I can see how it would be hard to take, when your friends offer to change plans to accommodate you - it's like, friends are where you go to not think about your weight problems. You just don't want another reminder. 0 -
I'm really sorry to hear about these experiences.
My perspective is slightly different. I am an identical twin, and I grew up (and still experience) stares and comments for it. When my sister and I are out together, you would think the circus was in town! I would hate to be famous.
With that in mind, I assume that any time you look different - I am also tall and fat - people will stare and comment, whether it's a compliment or not. Surprisingly, the twin thing is quite annoying (and more annoying than the fat thing). People feel free to invade your good time to comment and ask questions. If I hear "who's older" one more time I'll scream. (Twins, by definition, are the same age.) But people have no idea that it's not the first time we have heard that question.
I think it's the same for weight. People have no idea how rude they can be, but usually their intentions are not evil or unkind. There are some exceptions, of course. But I think it's best to believe that they are exceptions. Plus, most people are so self-absorbed that their actions are more about themselves than they are about us. It's like the whole dance-floor thing. No one cares that you can't dance, they're too worried about how they look dancing. Meanwhile, you don't care about their lack of skill either.
So gird your loins, fellow travelers! Suit up in your most comfortable armor, put on a smile, and try to enjoy. As my mother told me when I was a teenager - "people will stare at you no matter what. You can shrink from it, and the reaction is "meh or ew" or...you can stand straight and confident and well-dressed, and make their reaction "wow!" I have seen many confident large people who were put-together and fabulous - and my reaction is "WOW," even while noticing the weight.
You are here my friends, do not be defeated!0 -
BigChangeNeeded wrote: »If its not the little giggles, its the strangers making mean comments, and then explaining that 'they're only concerned for your health'. Its even worse when they tell you 'how to be healthy', or think they have some magic cure that will suddenly make any health problems you have vanish, or have no idea that you've lived with mental health issues, and huge self-esteem problems for years, and they are actually making the situation worse.
I know right? You'd think that'd be obvious.BigChangeNeeded wrote: »Being laughed at in a gym was a new experience for me. I was walking through, to get to the area where my weight loss group meets, and two girls looked me up and down, and then laughed at me. I was in a bloody gym! If they had an issue with how I looked, surely they recognised that I was in the right place to be doing something about it.
I was complained at once because I had to use the public facilities (not avoidable) and my visit left an odor. Where else is it acceptable to do one's business except there? That's what they're there for. Which combined with your story makes me realize there is nothing you can do in the face of criticism like that. It's not how you look or whether you're doing something wrong, it's that they need to pick on you so they do.BigChangeNeeded wrote: »One of my new coping mechanisms when I'm out alone, are audiobooks. Not only do I get the pleasure of listening to a book, but the narrator drowns out other voices. I try to make a little time in the evenings to focus on something that I like about myself or just something fun, even when I'm feeling awful. It could be spending a little time writing a story, or doing a puzzle, or trying something different with my hair (it still always ends in a bun or plait).
I do audiobooks too! I love them. Keep one running all the time. Especially helpful when I'm doing something tedious like housework and need my mind occupied while keeping my hands free. I'm right there with you on the little rewards as well. Good to know someone else is using those strategies.
BigChangeNeeded wrote: »I don't think there's anything we can do about the behaviour of others. I know I should hold my head high when I hear those comments, but that's a lot easier said than done. But maybe we should take heart, all of us here are working to be a happier version of us, maybe that's what we need to remind ourselves of. I don't think there are any short answers, and I guess they'll be different for each of us.
Agreed!0 -
I know what you mean. I've been overweight since age 8 and kids were nasty to me. Nobody wanted to be my friend. Nobody wanted me on their team in Physical ed. Nobody wanted to sit next to me at lunch. Nobody wanted me in their group for groupwork. I've been persona non grata for a long time. I didn't have even one friend until I was 14. Then only that friend until I was 17. I was always shy and introverted so that made things worse. The thing is that all kids were cruel. Now those kids are grown and they think all the things they used to say out loud. They haven't changed that much. Human beings are flawed. All we can do is try to be good people ourselves and try not to judge others too harshly. Then our own flaws will be forgiven. My coping mechanism was to move out to the woods. I can go for a 3 hour walk and not see another human. I love it. There's only about 1000 people within a 30 mile radius of here0
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What I have experienced as a proper adult, is when people avoid me because I'm fat. People avoid meeting my eyes and rarely speak to me unless I initiate conversation first.
I get that too. Constantly.The worst example of this happened in January during an ice-breaker situation, everyone was told to stand up and pick partners. A few of us were slightly delayed because of signing a form, so 30 seconds after the instructions, there were only three non-partnered people remaining besides myself. The person just ahead of me (and the most obvious partner selection due to proximity) saw me looking at him, ducked his head to avoid eye contact and attempted to hide behind someone else. I turned around - the girl behind me/to my right also dropped her gaze, then nearly sprinted forward to get away from me and towards the hiding guy. I turned directly behind me, and that person realized she was the last one - she literally heaved a sigh, then walked up to me reluctantly. Geez, you'd have thought being fat was contagious, based on that reaction! (I can just see the tabloid headline now. Obesity: The Next Ebola?)
Anyway, while it hurt, even more it just annoyed me. I remember thinking, what nasty, small-minded individuals, and how much they must be missing out in life because of it.
I heard that! Two things I want to add. First, I actually looked that up once when I'd been zinged and was down about it, why people react that way to those who are overweight. I think it was on a psychology site I found a reasonable answer. The article explained that obesity is a disease state, a state of overall bodily 'sickness', and at a basic level whether they realize it or not people avoid those in that state for that reason. In their subconscious they're reacting to obesity just as they would to someone with an infectious disease. Something to do with breeding healthier offspring and survival of the fittest.
Second, about not being picked, I'm required to go to a yearly celebration at my children's school, a BBQ on the grounds. We meet on a big playground and they set up BBQ stands and sell snacks and goodies. It lasts about five hours, happens at supper time, includes a presentation by the class. By the time you get to the end of five hours everyone is grateful for the hot dogs and snacks.
For two years running the other parents wouldn't allow me to be served. We had to line up and file past the BBQ person and give our order. I was alone at the event, got in line with the other parents, and one by one people would cut line in front of me til I never made it to the table where I could order until there was nothing left. I'm a tall person as well as being heavy so I'm pretty hard to miss so chances are slim it wasn't deliberate.
First year I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was just too shy. Maybe I didn't understand procedure or was doing something wrong. Second year rolls around, same thing. Everyone lines up to eat and despite being assertive people get in line ahead of me til I never make it to the front to order. That year I looked people in the eye and told them I was in line and they turned their backs on me and pretended I wasn't speaking. I was furious and left the school grounds with the children, which confused and upset the teacher and made me look bad. Because how can you explain something like that, no one would believe you.
My husband (also heavy but not as big as me) doubted me as well until I insisted he take that time off and go with me and see for himself. Third year, same procedure but this time I had a witness. We got in line and the blocking started. He tapped people on their shoulders, told them he was next, got the cold shoulder. He was flabbergasted and angry. We gathered our things up and left. These days it's a running joke. "Wonder if they'll let us eat this year?"
I never would've thought people would be that petty but they're fully capable. They couldn't have gotten their message across any clearer if they would've held up a big sign saying WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE. What's more they felt justified in what they did. Not one person has ever apologized or approached us in a friendly way or cooperated on behalf of the class. And although I know it may sound incredible there is nothing else strange or off-putting about us. It *has* to be the weight. We don't drink, smoke, cuss, steal, aren't rude, don't have loud parties, etc. Everything being equal and since we haven't done anything to anyone, all it can be is our appearance. What else could it be. People around here certainly have let us know they think we're unhealthy. Maybe this is a community intervention, who knows.
My son has to go through school with that same class of parents and they haven't changed to this day. We've just grown better at keeping ourselves out of situations where they can react like they did. These days when we attend events we're the invisible people. I'm counting the days until my son graduates and can leave those folks behind.0 -
animalrob37 wrote: »My coping mechanism was to move out to the woods. I can go for a 3 hour walk and not see another human. I love it. There's only about 1000 people within a 30 mile radius of here
Sounds heavenly Rob
I never had any friends at school apart from occasional person who could not speak English or was having a crisis and would hang out with me for few weeks then move on. I had hundreds of bullies though. It taught me that vast swathes of humanity are evil 5hits and most of the rest turn a blind eye. I still have nightmares about school and Jobs I hated. I doubt I will ever recover from the trauma of how unpleasantly I have been treated by others in my life. It has horribly damaged me to the extent I really resent existing in this world which makes it hard to stay motivated with anything. I am in one of my bipolar depressions though so that too makes it hard to see the light. I plan to continue hibernating until i next feel human, hopefully that won't be too long.
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Wow I wish I could give you a big hug. I don't know if it's the small town I live in or what but even a few months ago at my heaviest 456 I never experienced any of this. In college and grad school I had to choose a partner because so many people wanted to partner with me. I'm sure it's there behind my back never really thought about it. Also I am quite loud and will get my point across ! My dear Dr is awesome we went to high school together and he never mentions my weight unless I bring it up and he supports my efforts. I feel so blessed after reading what you have to put up with. Maybe just tell them off and never put your head down !0
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My heart breaks when I read all of these stories. I totally get it; being overweight my whole life, I have truly been able to understand the hurt and pain others can inflict on you with their words, stares and disrespect. I often scratched my head wondering "what in the heck gives them the right to comment on MY weight". It's not right and it's not okay.
You are all doing absolutely amazing and your bravery and dedication is so inspiring. Thank you all for sharing, I wish I could share more of my painful stories but I can't handle the emotions tied to them. I've said many times in this group, this is the first time I've ever felt so supported and unjudged and I know that's because there are absolutely genuine, wonderful, strong and beautiful people here. I'm sorry to all of you who have ever been treated poorly by others due to weight...or any reason for that matter!0 -
I went to bed last night embarrassed by the negative energy I'd brought to the group with this thread and resolved not to make that a habit. However, this is the reality of what some people live each day so I thought it relevant. Although I wouldn't wish it on any of you it makes my load a little lighter knowing I'm not just being sensitive.
SO... where to go from here.
First, my thanks to you all for sharing. I usually loathe going out in the 'mine field' but today wasn't as bad. People still stared and reacted but somehow I found it easier to forgive. I know everyone has their 'stuff' to work through even the ones pointing fingers. Maybe it's they've not yet come to the place where they're ready to confront it, so it overwhelms them and they act badly. Goodness knows I've been guilty of that a time or two.
Peg, I
your positive attitude and understanding heart. I think you nailed it with entreating us to keep our heads up and armor on, concentrate on our own happiness, most importantly now we're not alone in our goals. There are others who understand, are learning alongside and ready with support and encouragement. What a gem this group is!
Rob, as much as people can be friends long distance, you've got potential friends now. I can't see anyone here not choosing you or not sitting with you if they had the opportunity. We're equal in here and someday if we keep our eyes on the goal and don't give up, we'll be equal out there too. No... not equal, better. Because we will have seen both sides like you said and will know never to treat another person the way we've been treated. I consider that a gift. Moving to the woods sounds like heaven, too. Oh the peace of solitude!
Laura, depressions are the worst. I hope it passes soon and you find relief. I know what you mean about school. You surprised me saying you have nightmares about school. I do too, often. It's like I'm trying to go back and re-live things so they'll turn out better. So far that hasn't worked out too well for me (lol) but I keep my eyes open for what my psyche is trying to tell me.
Sandra I'll take that hug, thank you. Much appreciated. I will definitely keep my head up. What Peg said keeps coming back to me... it's important to concentrate on your own happiness. That struck me so much personally. Being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, all the hats women wear and the nurturing role we're called to, we often let our own happiness slide in favor of those we love. Maybe the lesson in examining others troubling behavior is to stop worrying so much about what they're doing - as much as possible - and focus on what makes us happy. Focus on ourselves for once. Wouldn't the world be a lot better if you didn't have to think about what anyone else wanted or needed or thought or would do? Such FREEDOM. About the other all I can say is if you haven't noticed discrimination it it probably doesn't exist for you. I wouldn't borrow trouble and guess at it. You must be a genuinely likable person if so many feel so warmly toward you. That's an enviable talent!
Tata all in your own time. And you're absolutely right, no one has the right to put their opinions on another person by look, word or gesture. Although I don't agree with it on every level, one firm thing I've taken away from the body positivity movement is that my body is not and never will be public property for other people to dump their 'trash' on. We need to keep educating others until they're aware and finally get it. There's a way to express concern and a time to hold your tongue, and no one needs to hear everything that crosses your mind coming out your mouth no matter how relevatory you think it is. Like you I'm stoked I finally found a place where people understand me. I'm glad you're here and we can all help each other get to our goals.0 -
Lisa, thanks for your response. I felt a little guilty after my post, perhaps I've not had it as hard, or maybe I have a thicker skin, or maybe I just am not that observant of others' reactions to me. I'm so sorry for your bad experience.
I can say this about the gym - it takes the most courage the first time, and "those people" are more judgmental of "tourists"...and when you are new (especially when you are fat), you are taken for a tourist. Don't be a tourist, be a regular. It gets easier, and you quickly become part of the landscape and are ignored. Then, as you lose weight, you become a role model. Those same people will come up and congratulate you and ask you about your loss (and some will become friends). Yes.
I started at 340 pounds, and had to take a deep breath and steel my nerves to walk in. This was after a couple days of lurking in the parking lot watching the people who went there, trying to decide if I could be in any way acceptable there. Finally I just decided that it was for me, and I had to get over myself, and walked in and joined.
Now I get attention for my weight loss, and I think that is even more embarrassing - I love it and hate it at the same time.1 -
ps. here's a video based on a short story I found very inspirational and I think it's appropriate here. It's a children's story but I learned from it. You are Special1
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I went to bed last night embarrassed by the negative energy I'd brought to the group with this thread and resolved not to make that a habit. However, this is the reality of what some people live each day so I thought it relevant. Although I wouldn't wish it on any of you it makes my load a little lighter knowing I'm not just being sensitive.
I don't think you've brought negative energy to the group. We've all dealt with things like this in our lives, and its hard to explain it to people who've maybe not been through it so that they understand how we feel. But we all can.
Sometimes, people need to vent, it could be an angry vent or an emotional vent, or even a vent about something totally random. And when its related to how society views people whose appearance doesn't confirm to certain traditional standards, we're all going to have feelings and opinions about it.
Maybe its a good thing for us to have threads like these to try and rid ourselves of negative thoughts, or bad memories. Sometimes, just getting things out of your head helps enormously. I've always found writing immensely cathartic, although my catharsis is usually in the form of writing trashy horror stories, ha ha.
A lot of us here have long-standing issues with our eating habits, or our self-esteem, that aren't going away any time soon. Threads like this will inevitably pop up from time to time, and some of us may look at the reactions of others and think "I am not alone. People understand how I feel", and that may be really beneficial.
I think its great that you started the thread. You got some things off your chest, as did others, and you allowed people to share experiences that, whilst negative, created a bond.
Never feel bad about needing to get things off your chest. Its a human thing, and you should never feel bad about being human. Despite all the negative experiences I've had, I still believe humans are inherently good. Our humanity is what makes us the beautiful, crazy, happy, sad, wonderful, unique creatures we are.1 -
Lisa, thanks for your response. I felt a little guilty after my post, perhaps I've not had it as hard, or maybe I have a thicker skin, or maybe I just am not that observant of others' reactions to me. I'm so sorry for your bad experience.
I can say this about the gym - it takes the most courage the first time, and "those people" are more judgmental of "tourists"...and when you are new (especially when you are fat), you are taken for a tourist. .
It's all about perspective. I used to think it was humiliating to go to a regular gym at my size. Then I had a heart attack... and had to reevaluate what is embarrassing/humiliating. Now I have to walk into cardiac rehab as the youngest person there by 25 to 35 YEARS. Just me and the 75 year old grandparents working out.
I have kids in elementary school. I really really wish I had had walked into the regular gym before damaging my heart permenantly and likely shortening my lifespan.
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