Hello! It's been pretty quiet on here but I'm glad to see you've checked in. Sorry about your elbow. I'm not doing so great in terms of eating rn. The switch from working 60 hours a week over the summer t working 30+ while going to class was pretty rough. I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep a night which certainly isn't helping. I signed up for an October marathon but I've already pulled out due to lack of proper training (including weight control...)

Sounds rough. Seems life is one headache after another merging into an unending battle. The alternative is death which will come of it's own accord to us all anyway. Have to get on with life and cling hard to the good bits.

My bipolar hit a big low over summer. When my mood crashes the binge eating disorder flares up accordingly. I gained 42lb in 10 weeks almost entirely undoing the rest of the years efforts. I reached my lowest point that my mood goes to where I seriously consider expediting my exit from this life. I realised that the thing most driving that thought was that I can not cope with my size. Bipolar is very challenging to live with but my eating disorder and the consequences of it are worse than the bipolar even though the two are linked for me. I was staring death in the face because of binge eating disorder. I considered my options and was forced to truly except the gravity of my food addiction.

I have been in 12 step recovery before for food addiction and I know their program is not for me but I do need to retain some of what I know to be true. I am an addict just as much as a heroin addict or an alcoholic is and my addiction will lead to my life being in ruins and death following a painful deterioration as I lose myself more and more to addiction. I have had enough. My trigger foods are now being regarded as the deadly poison that they are to me. My bathroom scales are also being regarded as highly dangerous, something only a doctor should wield. My food on the other hand does require scales and measuring. I am now weighing and measuring my foods and following a balanced healthy diet with enough wriggle room to be realistic but not enough to poison myself. It is so liberating not to have to think about food constantly. I have a clear written food plan and that is the end of it.

Accountability to myself leaves no one to rebel against and no one to blame for not saving me. Self accountability empowers me to get on with saving myself. My heart is then free to be more available to others instead of being busy being disappointed by unfulfilled expectations of what I want others to do for me. I am my saviour. Anyone else's contribution to my well being is bonus material.

I stayed on track today, not magically slim yet but I feel good for eating healthy.