some progress but still some challenges
CarvedTones
Posts: 2,340 Member
I actually started September 1st but I wasn't on MFP and wasn't counting/logging. It would look a lot like October. 1500 is the minimum recommended for men. So, 5 days in a row at or very near it. Today will likely make 6. I have logged breakfast and a snack, and pre logged lunch, but today's bar still has ~650 to go. I won't eat that much for dinner.
One problem I am having is I am not eating better meals. I am still eating really light - chicken and broccoli for lunch will be 215 calories for example. I am making up the difference with fruit, nuts and junk food. A few minutes ago I ate a single Little Debbie Christmas Tree cake that was put out in the breakroom. 200 mostly empty calories. Playing with fire a little bit because I have binge history with Little Debbie snack cakes. But there were only two left and the other one will likely be gone the next time I go into the breakroom. Anyway, my recent days have all been a lot like that - light meals, some fruit, ice cream with nuts, pie and fun size candy bars. So, I still need to work on eating meals that are more fully rounded. I don't eat mammal meat and limit starches so I have lean protein and won't have bread/potatoes/pasta at more than one meal. That makes upsizing meals hard.
Another issue is that red line is the minimum net calories I should eat. I do some walking and a little barbell work that I don't log. I am stepping up the walking; I have a 6 month old pup who is getting leash trained. He is high energy and will need to be walked a couple of miles a day. Long winded way of saying the bar I am reaching for now is still not really quite up to the minimum. I also shouldn't always stop short of it. The only days I actually crossed it were Thanksgiving (1532) and 5 days ago (1502). So the bar is set pretty low. But at least I am staying close to the bar. It's really hard to convince myself that it's okay to eat this much without seeing the scale register a good drop. But as long as it isn't going up, I am trying to give it some time.
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I didn't meet my calories intake yesterday, and when I tried to complete my diary I got this shame message about the dangers of eating too little. I know it's automatic, and this is just an app, it's not tailored to give a me a reassuring message and say, "tomorrow will be better!" It still made me feel awful! I just wasn't that hungry yesterday, and then you have to replace what you burn off when you exercise, and I'm trying really hard to focus on eating enough, and get in 30 minutes of exercise a day, and be kind to myself, and appreciate food, but I'm just getting started with the recovery process, and I feel like my brain is telling me too many different things, the scale isn't moving, and now I get scolded for not eating enough, but I get warned when I eat too many carbs!0
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I quit clicking "Complete this entry". I guess I could start clicking it now. The replacing what you burn in exercise thing bugs me. All the food is weighed and measured and I feel like I am tracking very accurately. Exercise calories are determined by voodoo and all that accuracy goes out the window if the estimate is way off.
So far, all I have seen is some "scale jitter" that went a pound lower one day but then bounced back. I need to see some movement soon to keep at this. I have run the numbers and I know I have to be at a pretty good deficit because of how much I was losing eating less. I was losing about a half pound per day eating around 1000 calories, so that means my TDEE is over 2000. I should get more exercise and raise that. Anyway, I know logically that this is going to work and it is just slower and some bouncing around is normal, but that paranoid voice in the back of my mind is going full blast. I am resisting the urge to do a VLC day. If I do that and then see a drop, I will feel like this isn't working. I have to give it at least a couple of weeks since the rate is only about a pound a week.0 -
You both are really honest about your recovery and what you are doing. I usually never weigh myself because the number will never be satisfactory, but I finally did the other morning and I had been overestimating by eight pounds when I put it in the machines at the gym and on this app. That shows how distorted my brain is and how I see myself. I feel uncomfortable if I am near/over the limit on the diary, and I track my exercise, too. I know it is the disorder talking when I don’t eat, like today I am low as I was gone all day. You know what really gets me? People say, “ You can eat whatever you want since you exercise so much and are in good shape.” If they only knew the struggle my brain and body go through.0
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Almost time for dinner and I have eaten just half my daily calories. I am going to have a baked sweet potato and some broccoli cheese soup and will still need to have dessert or fruit to make it. I already ate some fun size candy bars earlier. I need to meal plan better. Light meals and junk is not how this is supposed to be done and is not what I need to learn to do for maintenance. I am adding some starch back in (was trying no starch because of this; I have that blood antigen) carefully and that helps but I think I was getting some benefit from no starch and am still trying to mostly do low starch. But I am having a sweet potato; I deprived myself on Thanksgiving.
The spooky part is when I get to maintenance and have access to a large amount of a trigger food. Every time I lose the weight I say "this time will be different; I won't binge." I lost 62 pounds 4 years ago. I have lost 41 pounds of what will end up being about 60 pounds. the same 60 pounds. Last year I was down to a little heavier than I am now and binged through the holidays to the tune of about 20 pounds, then added another 20 by summer. I am pretty good about staying on a diet until I get to goal. Slowing down kicks the can further down the road as to when my next binge control test is. Why can't I eat like a normal person? I can discuss it logically but then the logic goes out the window and I am getting my third bowl of chocolate moose tracks ice cream and some oreos.1 -
I have continued to eat at the minimum healthy level (1500 for men) and finally saw the scale budge a little lower; I seemed to be stuck for a week but I should only expect a pound a week on average eating at this level unless I add in some exercise, which I need to do. So the paranoia about needing to eat less than this to lose weight is easing up a little. Hopefully, the trend will continue and I can stay the course until mid April, which is how long it will take at a pound a week. Seems terribly far away; impatience has always been a big driver for my under eating when dieting. If I get moving with exercise, it could be sooner. OTOH, it is that much more time before I have to start worrying about the bingeing. Somehow, I manage to keep from doing it when I am in "diet to lose" mode; I get really focused on the goal.0
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Just wanted to share that I had a bad day yesterday. There are certain foods that I cannot have in my house because when they are there, I eat too much of them. I usually don’t have them, but when I have family visiting and it is the holidays.... That is what I did yesterday and I feel horrible today. I went over my calories, too.
I ran 10 miles this morning and want to restrict all day, but am going to fight it and try to eat three good meals. Thanks for reading.0 -
I got spooked yesterday. I made the calorie math work for yesterday and today, but treat heavy. Some of today's treats were really yesterday but after midnight. What spooked me is that I got the binge urge bad. Fortunately, it would have been difficult logistically; it was a potluck one of my kids held and it would have been noticed if a bunch of things disappeared and I would likely have had to serve myself a few in front of someone. I feel like I am over it, but it worries me that it came on like that. I survived it and was about a half pound lower than my previous recent low weight this morning, which looks like success. But I am still shook up over it.0
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I'm having some bad days lately as well. I'm just frustrated. I haven't lost a single pound, in fact I gained 4, but I don't want to put those four lbs on here because I don't want to share that with anyone. I'm afraid of being judged if I go over my calories, so I have stopped completing my diaries, and if I don't eat enough it won't allow you to complete your diary anyway! You just get shamed via an automated message.
I want to eat M&M's without feeling guilty. I've been hiding how much I'm eating, even though I have no reason to. But heaven forbid there are gluten free cookies in the house, and within a week and a half I've eaten most of them! I'm pretty sure 2 cookies a day isn't a bad thing, and why would I want 3 week old cookies for Christmas Eve?
I'm just frustrated in so many ways. I've been sick and haven't been exercising, my anxiety is getting hard to manage, and I am so tired. I wasn't doing well last year when I was 30lbs lighter, but I feel like I'm doing poorly in a different way now. I feel disappointed in myself. I'm angry that changing my medication to become healthy mentally totally undid the years of work I've spent staying at the weight I wanted to be at, but now that I'm addressing my eating disorder finally, I don't know what a "healthy weight" is. I just don't know if I'll ever lose the weight, and feel good about myself, and get rid of this nagging anxiety.
I haven't eaten yet today, so that's probably causing a lot of the anxiety and negative thoughts.1 -
I am trending very slowly down and have been able to hang on so far. I am accurately logging and coming in pretty much right at goal, but I feel like I am cheating because of cookies and candy. I log them and then I eat a 100 calorie piece of turkey as lunch. In keeping with the title of this thread, it is success but the challenge is to eat like a normal person, if there is such a thing. And while I am doing a good job of resisting urges, it bothers me that I am having them. I spotted a box of eclairs from Trader Joe's in the garage freezer and my first thought was whether or not anyone else remembers they are there because I could make that box disappear. I looked at the back of the box and figured out I could actually make that fit if I had them for breakfast and had a piece of turkey and some salad for lunch. I have pretty much talked myself into doing it the "right" way; reminding my son (who put them in the cart at Trader Joe's) that they are there and having just one. But why did I even have to have that conversation in my head?
I had a neurologist appointment about some head fog and memory issues that my psychiatrist and therapist don't think are from my bipolar disorder. I got poked, prodded and referred to a neuropsychiatrist. One of my fears is this could result in a med change; I have had weight issues with a few meds in the past. I have had a few episodes of akathisia that I have not reported to my psychiatrist for the same reason. If I continue to get them I will have to talk to her about them. I am able to lose weight on the mix I am taking right now and have been pretty stable; I really don't want to change it. The concern that I will have to change it soon is another source of stress that makes me want to back off to lower calories and sprint for the finish line while I can.
I am sorry to hear that others are having problems. Mine seem trivial from outside; I am meeting the calorie goal and I am slowly losing at a healthy rate. No one can tell how much stress is involved with doing that.1 -
No problems are trivial; any struggle with an eating disorder is real as we have to face food every day, and this time of year is so freaking hard. Both of you hit things that I have also been stressing about—medication and healthy weight. What is a healthy weight? How do you maintain it? Eating the way I have been for the past X years plus exercise has done so, but at what expense? I am not even 5 feet tall ( and I am the tall one between me, my mom, and sister), so every pound shows. Now, I am getting one of my meds from a mail delivery and it’s a different manufacturer and I am afraid it will cause weight gain. It looks the same—same color and shape, but over the summer, the same thing happened, but the pill was totally different. That was a nightmare- I felt funny, gained weight, and it did not work. I’m going to try it and see what happens.
I wish you a happy holiday and feel free to message/contact me if you need to. I always have my phone and take breaks from the food and such.0
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