As a person with a lot of anxiety I usually run far away when I feel ashamed, embarrassed or guilty around a person for my action. You can't run away from the internet but you can stay way for a couple of years. So that's what I have been doing since 2015. Running away from it all.

The last post I made here was about getting so close to dropping bellow the 200lb mark. But that was a long time ago. If you look back I think there was even a post the first time I went out to buy a scale that could finely read my weight. I stepped on that scale 5 days ago for the first time in 3 years and all it did was scream at me. No number just a grown "RRR"... Picked up the scale and turned it over to see its max weight was 330.

I've avoided think about it because if I do it will just upset me too much. How much I lost, how happy I was physically and mentally. How happy I was to be on my bike, exploring and having adventures. Now I can't get on that bike, at least for now.

But here I am, because even a few days back to trying has reminded me how much better it felt when I was working for my goal. It was easy to forget that with all the progress I had made three years ago that I let go of progress because I wanted perfection. Hopefully I will do a better job remembering that this time around. I don't need perfection to be healthy, I don't need perfection to be happy, I don't need perfection to be loved by myself and someone else. Avoidance wont help me find them, but progress will.

So here is to making small progresses. Like logging for five days and staying in range. Going to the big and tall section of Khol's to buy more exercise shirts and compression shorts so I can be comfortable when walking. To hopefully getting the help I need to address my mental health issue that I've avoided since as long as I can remember.