Crawling back in shame - likely contains triggers
MzCara148
Posts: 205 Member
I have so many “reasons” (ie excuses) why things fell apart and I gained it all back. I guess they don’t even really matter. It all boils down to - if I loosen the reins a little bit, if I stop logging and weighing and all that crap, I end up spinning out of control for months.
I smoked on and off for years. Like 2 packs a day, then quit for 5 years, then back to 2 packs a day, and so on and so on. And then I quit. Like for real. It wasn’t even hard. I didn’t want to smoke anymore so I don’t. What will it take me to feel that way about over eating or making bad food choices? Like seriously- what is wrong with me? I’ve put on almost 50 lbs since July. That question is rhetorical, I know you guys don’t know the answer, but I seriously have to figure it out.
So here is some reality. I am not looking for sympathy or pity but putting it out here because I have to face it.
My knees and hips hurt. A lot. Every day.
I can’t even remember the last time I felt “sexy”.
I was in NYC 2 weeks ago and some jerk walking behind made a comment about being in the “waddling lane” in front of my daughter.
I had to buy aisle seats to the broadway play so I could make sure I could lean out into the isle rather than crowd the person next to me.
I get winded and my feet hurt badly if I walk a block and they swell up like cantaloupes.
I get winded in the freaking shower.
Someone parked too close to me in a parking garage and I had to ask my daughter to pull the car out of the space.
It is hard to maneuver public restroom stalls.
I have started rescheduling doctor appointments because I want to cry just thinking about the lectures.
There’s more, tons more - I am just sick of myself. I am in LA looking at colleges with my daughter so the only food I have access to is restaurants until Monday. But on Monday it is time to start getting a handle on my life again.
I smoked on and off for years. Like 2 packs a day, then quit for 5 years, then back to 2 packs a day, and so on and so on. And then I quit. Like for real. It wasn’t even hard. I didn’t want to smoke anymore so I don’t. What will it take me to feel that way about over eating or making bad food choices? Like seriously- what is wrong with me? I’ve put on almost 50 lbs since July. That question is rhetorical, I know you guys don’t know the answer, but I seriously have to figure it out.
So here is some reality. I am not looking for sympathy or pity but putting it out here because I have to face it.
My knees and hips hurt. A lot. Every day.
I can’t even remember the last time I felt “sexy”.
I was in NYC 2 weeks ago and some jerk walking behind made a comment about being in the “waddling lane” in front of my daughter.
I had to buy aisle seats to the broadway play so I could make sure I could lean out into the isle rather than crowd the person next to me.
I get winded and my feet hurt badly if I walk a block and they swell up like cantaloupes.
I get winded in the freaking shower.
Someone parked too close to me in a parking garage and I had to ask my daughter to pull the car out of the space.
It is hard to maneuver public restroom stalls.
I have started rescheduling doctor appointments because I want to cry just thinking about the lectures.
There’s more, tons more - I am just sick of myself. I am in LA looking at colleges with my daughter so the only food I have access to is restaurants until Monday. But on Monday it is time to start getting a handle on my life again.
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Replies
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Oh hun I know how you feel , I have lost 100 pounds and no one even notices , because I still weigh 372 , I always worry about chairs and seats in places I go , people stare at me , at stores yeah I have had that move out of the way fatty looks and even said to me . This week I have not logged any food or stayed totally on my keto diet , I have been drinking diet drinks and I had stopped doing that for over a year , I eat sugar free chocolate like everyday , and it keeps me wanting carbs and junk . I smoked for years as well , and binge ate for years . My body hurts as well , but not as much as it did at 477 . BUT I want to lose that other 100 pounds and I am like you, why oh why can't I do it , It's like I am at a cliff and I won't jump and I need to jump . I am so close to having my life back , I am 53 my life is not going to wait much longer .
Biggest Hugs to you ,I hope we both can get back at it , and lose this unwanted weight . I am glad you are back and come monday I am going to log my food again and get back to my keto life style !!!
not saying you have to do keto you do what ever is working for you OK . this is just how I am doing it . Hugs !!3 -
@MzCara148 : you are among people who share your struggles and some of your experiences. I always panic in restaurants when they sit me at a booth, scared of the day I don’t fit. Fun activities like going to movies, traveling, attending plays.. they are all marred because I am worried about fitting in my seat. As I have lost weight, they have dissipated a bit, but I will never forget how that feels. The other day, I was walking outside, and a group of three women were walking at me. I immediately felt myself getting nervous and my heart rate picking up because I was worried about what these three skinny girls were going to say to the chubby girl walking at them. All one of them said was “I really like your skirt” and I looked up and she had a genuine smile on her face. But it speaks to how scary I find other people and their opinions and judgments of me, before they even happen. Because it’s happened plenty of times before. Unfortunately people can be cruel and the less we physically can maneuver the world with ease, the harder it can be to emotionally maneuver it as well. Keep your head up and we are always here. My only real worry is skipping out on doctor appointments. I know how scary they are, but I would hate for something that could have been treated to go undetected and you suffer for it. Take care of yourself
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@MzCara148 Like @CheezWhiz88 said you are among company and are in a safe environment where people understand and have been through it. You did say one super important thing.....you are starting over. Keep it up and we are all here for you.0
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Ah, hon, I'm sending you a hug because I've been there! And while i haven't gained it all back and am still below 300 (barely), I've been on a stinking plateau for a year and a half now, and it is so incredibly frustrating because I can't seem to figure out how to get back on track, even though I know exactly what it is I need to do!
but you're back and you're trying, and that's what counts! No matter how many times you slip up, the key is to get back up and keep trying! You've got our support behind you!0 -
I think I am finally regaining my sanity. Phew.
I don't know why it was so hard to dig in and get to work this time. A lot of the weight I regained was from the old "I'm going to get back on my diet soon so I should eat this whole - insert whatever". I don't know, maybe it was empty nest syndrome. My slide started when my oldest graduated highschool last May, just a little, but really sped up when we dropped him off at his dorm in the fall. His school is only an hour away so I do get to see him fairly often so I thought I was dealing ok - but I was probably kidding myself. And now his little sister is touring colleges, she graduates in a year - and is looking at schools really, really far away. Like I'm on the east coast and she is wants to go to UCLA. And while my son has always been more independant, she has always been mommy's little girl. And I think I'm really freaking out.
But..... after about 2 weeks of just sputtering a bit, I am back to logging everything and staying within my calories and I already feel a bit better mentally.
Luckily I don't have to see the Dr that gives me so much kitten about my weight for 6 months. I had been every 3 months so the break is awesome. It's not only awesome because he isn't going to give me yet another lecture (does he really think I'm not aware of the issue?) but because I am getting a bit healthier. I have an auto-immune disorder and finally heard the word "remission" after a 7 year struggle so that is good news.
Thanks for bearing with me while I felt sorry for myself.0 -
I know that frustration! I had tried and tried for years without getting anywhere, then in 2012, some switch clicked on and I lost 90 lbs. Then came the dreaded plateau, and over the course of 5 years, I gained it all back. I tried so many times to put the breaks on, to try to get re-started, but I could never figure out what clicked to get me started and what failed to get me stalled. Then in 2017, suddenly, that hidden switch clicked back on and I dropped 100 lbs that year. But in 2018, it clicked back off and I have no idea what gets it on or what turns it back out or how to turn it back on on purpose and it is so frustrating!0
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Crikey I could have written your post @MzCara148 like literally, everything you said resonates with me.
I was in this group when it first started and like you made excuses to myself and stopped logging, stopped coming in here and totally fell off the wagon.
Now I've realised that at 42 I need to fix this before I ruin the rest of the years where I could actually do the horse riding I love so much, ice skate again and so on.
My mantra now is simply that today is the last day I'll be this fat. Only 3 days in but I have to sort myself out before it's too late.
I hope all is going to plan for you now.0
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