Trans Man Journey
Options
TheGasManCometh
Posts: 1 Member
Hi everyone, I have been on this app before but my friend just introduced me to the groups on here today. I am a trans guy pre transition. I’m 30 and going for a top surgery consult on Monday !! I’m terrified of being rejected for being overweight. I’m 175cm fall (5ft9) and approx 104kg (229lbs).
But the dysphoria has absolutely ground my whole life to a screeching halt. I think about my chest every single moment of my life and I annoy everyone around me with my pain so I just keep it to myself. Have done for over a decade. I keep thinking if I just had a flat chest then I could achieve so much more.
I keep trying to think “just eat right and exercise anyway and it’ll all positively impact your life - breasts or no and it would only get better post op” and that motivates me for a day. Or a week or even as long as one month. But I always draw right back to my chest. And I lose all hope and it closes over me like a black hole.
It doesn’t help that I only have confidence to attend a women’s only gym, but I can’t face cis men in my current mental condition. I’m just too fragile.
It got so bad that I was jealous of my own step son early on because I watched him grow through the male puberty I’ve always wanted. Me, an adult, jealous of an innocent 11 year old boy who I’ve watched grow into a 16 year old who’s well on his way to becoming a man.
I’m extremely proud of him and love him with my whole heart and I feel so ashamed that I was ever jealous of him. He didn’t know of my jealousy but I still feel like it’s hurt him in some way. And of course he doesn’t see me as a man let alone a father. I’ve only ever wanted to be a father but I want to birth my own kids additionally which has kept me away from T right now. At least until after my first pregnancy.
Anyway .. that’s just a small snapshot of me right now.
I’m looking for supportive friends and similar people who can help motivate me.
My friend has already done an amazing job today to help lead me here.
Thanks.
But the dysphoria has absolutely ground my whole life to a screeching halt. I think about my chest every single moment of my life and I annoy everyone around me with my pain so I just keep it to myself. Have done for over a decade. I keep thinking if I just had a flat chest then I could achieve so much more.
I keep trying to think “just eat right and exercise anyway and it’ll all positively impact your life - breasts or no and it would only get better post op” and that motivates me for a day. Or a week or even as long as one month. But I always draw right back to my chest. And I lose all hope and it closes over me like a black hole.
It doesn’t help that I only have confidence to attend a women’s only gym, but I can’t face cis men in my current mental condition. I’m just too fragile.
It got so bad that I was jealous of my own step son early on because I watched him grow through the male puberty I’ve always wanted. Me, an adult, jealous of an innocent 11 year old boy who I’ve watched grow into a 16 year old who’s well on his way to becoming a man.
I’m extremely proud of him and love him with my whole heart and I feel so ashamed that I was ever jealous of him. He didn’t know of my jealousy but I still feel like it’s hurt him in some way. And of course he doesn’t see me as a man let alone a father. I’ve only ever wanted to be a father but I want to birth my own kids additionally which has kept me away from T right now. At least until after my first pregnancy.
Anyway .. that’s just a small snapshot of me right now.
I’m looking for supportive friends and similar people who can help motivate me.
My friend has already done an amazing job today to help lead me here.
Thanks.
3
Replies
-
The good news is because you've got so much to lose, you can lose it quite fast. The bad news is it will take hard work and some maths. Start tracking everything. That will give people an idea of how to help you.1
-
I dont really have much to add at the moment but just wanted to say hello.0
-
I totaly relate to your share. I am a transgender person. Non-binary? FTM pre-transition? Lables are tricky! I am 58 years old and I now have the courage to fully address my gender dysphoria. Every day I struggle with my appearance, how I feel, and how others see me. I believe that I have put on a lot of weight out of resignation and misery. I am waiting to speak to a surgeon about top surgery and am slowly becoming more aware of how the dysphoria colors everything in my life! I have a lot of weight to loose and I am hoping to give and get support on this forum. I am looking for supportive people in my life.
2 -
I can relate, I am still Pre almost everything and quite early in my transition as I've only just began gender therapy. But I too am worried in the future I'll either be turned away or my results won't be as good as they could be. I hope everything is going well for you as I see you posted this a while ago, if you can please update us on your journey.0
-
I made this post a while back and then chickened out. So hi, I'm Vick. I'm queer/nonbinary and in a transition-pause at the moment as I start grad school. I'd love to have you as a friend
Here are a few thoughts on the matter:
It depends on your surgeon whether you would be rejected or not. Mine was fine with me at 220 lb (ish) as long as I lied and told him I don't plan on losing weight. Jokes on me it's been 4 years and I did, but gained it back. The main reason is that your results will be different at your current weight vs your goal weight. However, I don't regret getting top surgery at my weight, but it does mean that one day I will likely need a revision when I hit UGW.
0
