Yesterday I went WAAAY overboard, I was doing so well during the day too! I did a great yoga workout but I probably waited too long to eat my meals + didn't "let" myself eat carbs until dinnertime b/c i thought it'd be "better" considering the dinner & dessert I made but I think that sorta backfired on me (a dieting habit i need to unlearn). Plus, I got intoxicated lol, which brings in munchies & gives me a state of mind where the back of my subconscious is yelling "don't eat like that you know better!!!" while non-sober me is like "lol i love food i dont care"... and the dessert i made was the best thing i've baked in a while but it was sooo high in sugar & fat that the moment it touched my tongue it was like something went off and i kept eating. Felt bloated, gross, and ashamed after.

No excuses for it at all, and after logging it all into my diary I'm a lil freaked out but you know what? It happened, it's in the past, I can't take it back so I must just get over it and move on, no need to tread on the mistakes.

But next time I'm in that sort of position, I need to come back here, read Rick's message of the day, read everyone else's posts, and calm my mind, & watch some videos that keep me inspired & motivated, before I make an impulsive decision like that

Today was better, bloated & hung over a bit but kept busy & active. Today I went out into my backyard to pick kumquats on our tree, but made the mistake of picking them too early, they're still not ripe enough so i have a whole bowl of kumquats that are half green lol. My grandmother's been a bit worried they were getting "too ripe" and were gonna "Fall off the tree" and even I thoguht they were ripe but nope, the green bits were hiding from us lol. I still turned them into a jam, but it's not very tasty since half-unripened fruit has a bitter tone to it and now I don't wanna eat it lol

(my grandmother likes it though! so i'll leave it to her to help finish it up, i'm already feeling guilty over wasting so much fruit!! but there's still some left on the tree so i'm leaving them for a week or two and then I'll turn them into a cake).

I also made a focaccia!! It was the best focaccia I've made yet, incredibly fluffy & rich in flavor. I probably had a bit too much of that too I need a pass today cuz I overate, maybe by 100 or so calories? Better than over 1000 calories lol but still! I did a 30 minute workout to help burn off last night's mistake that I just haaaad to eat it back?? smh. Dinner was late (my fault, poor time management) and when I'm in the kitchen doing work for a long time I start grazing, another bad habit! Mom brought home some leftovers from work, so I ate bits of it here and there but it all adds up. But other than that I kept it pretty stable, no other indulgences besides my bread.

I'm giving it a couple days of steady calories & exercise then I'll weigh myself again (cuz by then, any bloating/waterweight left from overeating will have gone down) and see how much "damage" I've cause

(although, a little bit of weight gain isn't damage, and it's an unhealthy mindset to have if you think it like that... gaining 3+lbs from overeating over the week or so is to be expected but it's not the end of the world... and as I start to have this more positive mentality I start to feel respectful of my body, I can see it for how it is now and not immediately attack it with mean words.)

Personally, it's more realistic to not expect to be in the winner's circle this exact month. I'm definitely gonna be facing some nights of overeating, or days where I just end up not exercising. But if I compare this year to last year, I'm doing way better! October 2018 was the start of my binge eating cycle, that didn't quite start to go away until August 2019, and when I look back at the pics I took of my "meals", I feel so disgusted & disappointed in myself for eating in such a self destructive way. But now life is 10x better and there's a lesser need to emotionally eat. I'm right on the path to a healthier life and breaking bad habits! It'll just take some time, especially when it's habits you've done for sooo long that it's almost "a part" of you.