QUEER: Empowering label or hate word?

thedreamhazer · November 2011

We have a pretty diverse group here in this group, and this is a question that has been nagging at me. The word "queer".

I'll explain my position first. Where I went to high school, gay wasn't "okay", but there also wasn't open hate speech. The homophobia was more ... underhanded. Indirect and nasty, but you never heard anyone called the dreaded "f"-word (surely you know which one I mean). Gay slurs weren't thrown around because it was indecent. They may have been whispered but, having been identified as one of the Gays, they were never whispered to me, just about me.

Then I got to college. Nice, happy, awesome liberal arts college. And suddenly the word "queer" was EVERYWHERE.

What the heck? I wondered. Isn't that word BAD? I mean, there was even a Queers and Allies House (which I lived at for three years), how weird is this?

Well, as I adjusted, it turned out ... not so weird. Queer, I learned, isn't a hate word anymore. It's been reclaimed, it's a label of empowerment because we took it and de-hated it. Well, I was all onboard for that. Plus, as a bisexual, drag-dabbling woman it felt like the perfect word. Because 'bi-' seemed like an inappropriate prefix. And the only pansexual I had ever known was not someone I wanted to share a label with. (This is not meant to offend anyone who uses that label ... go with it. I mean this in the same way that you wouldn't give your child the name of your childhood bully. I had bad memories attached to the label, so I didn't want to use it.) So, here was the answer. A nice, shiny new word. Queer -- it took care of everything, sexuality, gender ... check. Covered. I already told you. I'm queer.

So that's what it's like to me. However, I'm also well aware that "nice", "shiny", and "new" are NOT appropriate adjectives to describe the word "queer". It's history is anything but nice and shiny ... and it has a lot of history, which makes it anything but new.

For many, it is still a slur. And I want to be sensitive to that, especially because I think whether or not it is seen as a slur or a legitimate label depends on a lot of different demographics (such as age and location, to name a couple).

What does the word Queer mean to you?

xLyric · November 2011

I'm gonna say what I said in your other post: I see it as more of a positive word than a negative one. In my experience, it's not a word that's used either way hardly at all. I don't think I've ever heard queer used negatively, really. Maybe once or twice in a book, but it doesn't have the negative connotations I'd associate with other words, like *kitten* or *kitten*. Queer seems more of a positive word, because people now are making it a positive word within the community. Sure others might use it as a slur, but they use everything they can as a slur. Why give them more power by avoiding a word? (<Not in reference to your aversion to pan, that's understandable.)

Mindful_Trent · November 2011

I'm someone who identifies most with the word queer. That said, I rarely use it, mostly because of the reasons you discussed - it's still "not okay" in many circles (both within and outside of the GLBT community). I typically only use it when I know it is safe. That said, part of me thinks it is dumb that I feel the need to censor myself around other people when I'm describing myself. I would never call someone else queer unless they openly identified with the label - I'm only using the word for me.

As far as what it means to me - I see both gender and sexuality as fluid. I've transitioned from female to male but don't identify as a cookie-cutter male. My sexuality is also hard to pin-down. I like "queer" because, for me, it encompasses all of me - the fluidity of both my gender and sexuality - whereas words like pansexual or bisexual (or other "sexual" labels) only relate to sexuality.

Vaanja · November 2011

I personally see 'queer' as the lgbt+ version of the N word...ugly background, maybe it doesn't always carry the same emphasis as it used to but still only to be uttered in very specific company/circumstances.

Wait, that sounds wrong. >.<

IE, I'll admit I'll bust out with a "Psshhht, Ni**a please!" while talking to certain friends that know me and my background very well, but I would never address a black associate with "Mah Ni**a, what's shakin'?!"

I'll harrass my MtF friend to come shopping and help me get all dragalicious for an evening, but I would never go all camp on a TG aquaintance and remark something like "Oh honey, don't you just look Divine..." (yes yes, I know TG =/= crossdresser.)

Same thing with queer...do I use the word sometimes? Yeah. Do I think it's innocuous enough to be a socially accepted term? No way.

Sweet_Potato · November 2011

I don't consider a hate term, and I find it's rarely used outside of the LGBT community anyway. Still, I'm not crazy about it. It doesn't bother me when someone else uses the word to describe us, but I wouldn't use it myself.

Schwarzeaugen · November 2011

It's slowly being reclaimed by the LGBT community, and the more we can neutralize the meaning, the more it will become accepted.

Bonita_Lynne_58 · November 2011

In my family it has always derogatory. A hateful word. So it was with some surprise that I heard some of the people in this group using it. I say we all have a right to define ourselves as we choose. Maybe using this word will take some of the negative power away from it. Still as a hetero woman I probabaly would never use this word. And for much for the same reason I don't use the N word or any variation of it.

MikeSEA · November 2011

Its use is contextual. As a coincidence, I was watching the move Warlock the other day. At one point, a main character draws a distinction between "gay" and "queer" with the indication that one was bad and the other wasn't; I forget which is which just now.

Queer as a positive tends to be favored by Gender Studies scholars and academics, and I think that non-negative connotation is slowly filtering down. I assume that Queer as a negative draws its roots from meaning "out of the ordinary" and we all know that anything that isn't normal can often be viewed as both bad and potentially harmful.

It's both a slur and not a slur, depending on the discourse community.

KeeleySue · November 2011

The word doesn't bother me a bit. It doesn't bother me to hear other people say it *unless it's used in a hateful/demeaning way.*

For me, it's all about context.

I've even used the word to describe myself and the LGBT+ community.

lucycaz · November 2011

Words words words.......

I came across a different example of how hung up we get on words at a confrence recently I am a Mental health nurse and whenever a group of us 'professionals' get together to discuss our work you can bet that somewhere there will be a discussion as to what we call the people we work with and what they find comfortable - 'patients', 'service users', 'clients', 'survivors', ;residents' and the list goes on this debate often becomes heated. Well at this confrence we were in small breakaway groups and there were a number of 'service users' in the groups and the debate started someone then asked the chap who was in our group what he preferred to be referred to as and his reply was simply:-

"I don't care what you referr to me as so long as when I am unwell you care for me and treat me with respect"

This really got me thinking - so call me 'gay', 'queer', '*kitten*', 'lesdo' or anything so long as you don't judge me for who I am and you treat me with respect....

Lucy

thedreamhazer · November 2011

so call me 'gay', 'queer', '*kitten*', 'lesdo' or anything so long as you don't judge me for who I am and you treat me with respect....

Lucy

:flowerforyou:

I like this a lot! For me, this works too. If someone calls me something that does rub me the wrong way, I'm always happy to (politely) correct so long as the word wasn't meant to be cruel.

There is one such word that always rubs me the wrong way when it's used as a noun to label a person: homosexual. I just ... don't like it. I have some vaguely formed reasons why but, honestly, it's mostly a knee-jerk. It makes me feel icky. In my view, "homosexual" is an adjective to describe behavior, not a noun to name a person.

Mindful_Trent · November 2011

There is one such word that always rubs me the wrong way when it's used as a noun to label a person: homosexual. I just ... don't like it. I have some vaguely formed reasons why but, honestly, it's mostly a knee-jerk. It makes me feel icky. In my view, "homosexual" is an adjective to describe behavior, not a noun to name a person.

I *totally* get you on this, and feel the same way. I'm not defined my any one individual aspect of myself. I'm not "a queer" nor am I "a Transgender" (I heard this recently from a medical professional and it made me cringe) - I am an individual who happens to identify as queer and transgendered, but neither of those can be used to define the whole (or even the most important part) of who I am.

Vaanja · November 2011

@ Nurse Lucy: Can I call you awesome?

This post got me thinking...I'm very visibly scarred across my face and arms, and i've a friend that calls me Tony Montana (Scarface, get it? durrhurr) and it doesn't bother me at all, because he's my friend and I know he cares for me even if he is a *kitten*.

But being referred to as a 'burn victim' makes me see red and usually illicits a response of "*****, do I look dead to you?". I guess that's because the term makes me feel like my marks have weakened me, that they've taken something from me that cannot be reclaimed.

Sorry for steering away from the LGBT+ topic, I just started thinking about the power of words and terms in general.

123456654321 · November 2011

It can depend largely on where you are from. Many people believe that we shouldn't allow words to carry so much power in the first place, so if you are from an area that's quite liberal you may notice that people are less worried about whats "PC" and what isn't. This is where things can get really tricky, I have a friend who lives in a very......ummmmmm backwards little town down South. Because there happens to be quite a bit of racism/bigotry there, the minority of liberals are very careful with the words they use and are forced to take it very seriously when people use questionable words (rightly so because most the time, they come from a very hateful place.) Then I'm from somewhere dominated by mostly liberals. People who are racist/bigoted are the minority here so it's a little more common for people to use "questionable" words without their being any hate behind it. Often times, people will take a questionable word and "own it" (like the example you used above) so that it's derogatory meaning has virtually no power to hurt them anymore. So yeah, when my friend comes to visit, it's all very confusing for her. hahaha

I am pretty neutral on the whole thing.There are a few words that just aren't in my vocabulary and I'm pretty sure they will forever be absent.....but as long as there is no hate behind it, I don't really care so much about what words other people chose to use.

KittMahan · November 2011

I think that I agree with everything written above. My problem is that many years ago the word "Queer" was usually yelled at me very hatefully, and usually came seconds before a punch. I will never feel comfortable with it but I like that it's being reclaimed.

Banrion · November 2011

I think that I agree with everything written above. My problem is that many years ago the word "Queer" was usually yelled at me very hatefully, and usually came seconds before a punch. I will never feel comfortable with it but I like that it's being reclaimed.

Hearing this makes really sad....

BUT I have to agree, I love what everybody has written above, but maybe its because I am in Arkansas, but that word when I hear it out makes me cringe. Its like I hear it and tense, waiting for all hell to break unleash!!

The other night my best friend's cousin stopped by the table and asked so are you straight now or still a queer, cause I bet I can fix all you need is a few minutes with me.....I was disgusted, pissed and embarrassed. The only time I hear that word around here is when something bad is going to happen, I do not know if I will ever be able to verbally call myself that.

lexagon · November 2011

I've never really had a problem with the word queer. I have many friends that refer to themselves as queer so I guess I just never let it bother me.

I think what bugs me more is when one culture uses a derogatory term in a positive way and gets offended when someone outside that culture uses it as well. It's one of those "have your cake and eat it too" things. It's either bad or it's not. Maybe that doesn't make any sense, but in my head it sounds right.

Bonita_Lynne_58 · November 2011

I think that I agree with everything written above. My problem is that many years ago the word "Queer" was usually yelled at me very hatefully, and usually came seconds before a punch. I will never feel comfortable with it but I like that it's being reclaimed.

When growing up I heard queer used in this manner, much as I heard ****** used. Being hetero and caucasian, the hate behind the words still made me cringe! If using this word takes the negative power away from it...great. Not sure I'd ever be comfortable using it.

kyle4jem · November 2011

I think that I agree with everything written above. My problem is that many years ago the word "Queer" was usually yelled at me very hatefully, and usually came seconds before a punch. I will never feel comfortable with it but I like that it's being reclaimed.

It's funny, for me it was the word "P O O F" that was always used because I wasn't good a sports or a bit of a nerdy, swot. For years I hated the word, but now it's how I describe myself to my friend. Yes, it's a context thing and if some football thug yelled "poof!" at me, then I'd find it offensive, but no so when my friends, in jest, use the term... just I often get called a Sweaty*

Queer can be a very empowering word within our community and in reinforcing our rights.

*Sweaty Sock = Jock, i.e. a Scotsman... Cockney rhyming slang :happy:

thedreamhazer · November 2011

*Sweaty Sock = Jock, i.e. a Scotsman... Cockney rhyming slang :happy:

Completely off topic, but Cockney rhyming slang is just about the weirdest thing ever.

KittMahan · November 2011

I think that I agree with everything written above. My problem is that many years ago the word "Queer" was usually yelled at me very hatefully, and usually came seconds before a punch. I will never feel comfortable with it but I like that it's being reclaimed.

Hearing this makes really sad.... BUT I have to agree, I love what everybody has written above, but maybe its because I am in Arkansas, but that word when I hear it out makes me cringe. Its like I hear it and tense, waiting for all hell to break unleash!!

The other night my best friend's cousin stopped by the table and asked so are you straight now or still a queer, cause I bet I can fix all you need is a few minutes with me.....I was disgusted, pissed and embarrassed. The only time I hear that word around here is when something bad is going to happen, I do not know if I will ever be able to verbally call myself that.

I've had the same kind of crude remarks, "bet you'd like to s*** my d***" when they figure me out. Idiots, ridiculous idiots.

colwellk · November 2011

The thing I like about queer is that it's non-specific. I think homosexual sounds clinical (and behaviour-focused), lesbian sounds like a strange sort of cult, but queer is vague. It lets me choose how much information I want to give people. I say "yes, I'm a part of this community" but it doesn't tell people about my sex life unless I want to tell them. I appreciate that about it.

Now, I happen to be cisgender, female, lesbian, single-partner-oriented, and relatively vanilla in my tastes, but queer is a term that I feel empowers me to choose how much of that to tell any given person.

Mostly I think people should get to choose. I get to say "queer applies to me," but others can say "queer doesn't apply to us" and that's okay too, I won't use it to describe those people because everyone should get to choose how to describe themselves and what words to use. The part that makes me mad is when people start saying "No one should use queer," or "You can't use that word" or whatever else. I say people should get to choose for themselves how to describe themselves, within bounds of reasonable civility of course.

baisleac · November 2011

The word doesn't bother me a bit. It doesn't bother me to hear other people say it *unless it's used in a hateful/demeaning way.*

For me, it's all about context.

This... tone of voice gives many words additional nuances of meaning.

kennethmgreen · November 2011

The word doesn't bother me a bit. It doesn't bother me to hear other people say it *unless it's used in a hateful/demeaning way.*

For me, it's all about context.

This... tone of voice gives many words additional nuances of meaning.

I rarely hear the term "queer" being using in a perjorative sense, and for awhile many of my friends indicated they preferred the term.

Context, intent, tone - all way more important that an actual word, in my opinion. I debated my fingertips off in the N-word thread about this. I don't like giving any particular word too much power, but respect that words can be hurtful. I'd rather see focus on behaviors and actions. I think getting too focused on specific words can be detrimental in some respects (in that you can lose focus on more important issues). Someone can still say the word "homosexual" and it drip with hatred. I want fair treatment of everyone in the community, equal rights and opportunities for all, etc. That transcends words.

herstrawberri · November 2011

I think it's also an age thing. The older you are, the word QUEER usually was used in a deragtory way. The younger generation has really reclaimed the word and for them, it's not associated with anything bad. When I first came out, people used that word to try to hurt me...mainly my fam members. Now a days, the word is used in positive ways. It's so great to see how far our community has come, and how 'out and proud' so many young people are. When I was in high school in the late 80s and early 90s, no one would DARE come out as 'gay'. Now, they have clubs and support groups in most high schools. I can't wait to see what the next 20 years brings.

BondBomb · November 2011

I would never use it personally. I would fear someone being hurt by the word that is NOT ok with it.
As a previous poster said - its like the 'N' word. It has been reclaimed but dependin on how it is used it can still carry a lot of hate and pain. I have been on the receiving end of that and I would rather die before I made someone else feel that way.

herstrawberri · November 2011

Words words words.......

I came across a different example of how hung up we get on words at a confrence recently I am a Mental health nurse and whenever a group of us 'professionals' get together to discuss our work you can bet that somewhere there will be a discussion as to what we call the people we work with and what they find comfortable - 'patients', 'service users', 'clients', 'survivors', ;residents' and the list goes on this debate often becomes heated. Well at this confrence we were in small breakaway groups and there were a number of 'service users' in the groups and the debate started someone then asked the chap who was in our group what he preferred to be referred to as and his reply was simply:-

"I don't care what you referr to me as so long as when I am unwell you care for me and treat me with respect"

This really got me thinking - so call me 'gay', 'queer', '*kitten*', 'lesdo' or anything so long as you don't judge me for who I am and you treat me with respect....

Lucy

LOVE THIS!!!!!!!

thedreamhazer · November 2011

Context, intent, tone - all way more important that an actual word, in my opinion. I debated my fingertips off in the N-word thread about this. I don't like giving any particular word too much power, but respect that words can be hurtful.

Words can be hurtful -- and respecting that is exactly right! My worry is that sometimes a person doesn't have to give a word power in order for it to have power. I still like this word and I love to use it to define myself. But I know that some words have power over me, despite context. I wrote a long blog post about this once but, as an example, one word that always triggers me is the word "rape". Even typing it here makes me feel ill. Do I want that word to have the power to make me sick? No, but it does.

When reclaiming a word, I wonder if there is sometimes insensitivity to "victims" of the word. People who have been called queer as a slur.

But I might just be playing Devil's Advocate here. Like I said, I pretty much adore the word queer.

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QUEER: Empowering label or hate word?

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