it's definitely something that ppl don't tend to get. i'm also pansexual. i've been told that i CANNOT be both. um, yeah, i can. i CANNOT possibly flirt and talk about sex and be a sexual being if i identify as asexual. yup, still can.

i am a sexual being. i can be turned on by anyone, male/female/trans/hemaphrodite, i just don't want to have sex with other ppl.

i've been told all the same stuff, i'm broken mentally or physically, something must have happened to me, i've just never found the right person, more idiotic things than you can imagine.

no. i was never sexually assuted. i can and do have orgasms. i have had great orgasms with other ppl. but at the end of the day, i don't WANT other ppl there physically. i don't WANT sexual relationships, i don't like them. and the one time i was able to describe it to a friend - shortly after he came out and told everyone he was gay - he said it was exactly how he'd felt having sex with women. it could be great. but even when it's great... it's not right.

Haha, actually I can totally dig the pronouns Sie and Hir just by being both a former German student and something of a sci-fi freak.

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties with your mate But if he refuses to even try and grok you, it seems like he's just not the one anyway.

I definitely know what you mean about whole 'either/or' thing. I'm a native of Houston but have been living near a very-rural, small-minded bible belt Texas town (more like village) for almost three years. My mate of 16 years, who's at least 95% burly hetero man, has never had a problem remarking if another guy was exceptionally fetching and I've never throught for a moment 'omg, he can view a male as an aesthetically pleasing being! he's going to ditch our marriage and run off to san fransisco!' However, I can just imagine the looks on the locals' faces if he made such an observation in public earshot.

Why would your sexuality even matter to me? It doesn't tell me who you are as a person.

I have a question about asexuality. I've wondered before if I feel that way as well. I just don't enjoy sex at all. I don't enjoy doing it, most of the time I don't enjoy imagining it. I do feel aroused sometimes, but I'd much rather deal with it myself. I'm not sure if that's true asexuality or just me not liking it.

I was sexually assaulted as a child, but I never felt that it hurt or affected me in any way. I didn't see it as a bad thing at the time, and I still have very neutral feelings about what happened.

I have no valuable insights. I can only say that I've learned something about other people and am thinking about things I haven't thought of before. Thank you. I wish you well.

Ditto! I've heard of this but haven't known anyone personally (that I knew of anyway) who would identify themselves as such. As a sexual person, it is difficult to grasp. Not to believe, just to understand. Thank you for sharing.

I have a friend that identifies himself as asexual...he used to get a ton of crap for it, as if people couldn't believe that someone that could live a full, healthy, fulfilling life without sex. He is one of the happiest guys I know...he referees soccer in the spring and winter and then camps, takes pics, and travels all summer and fall. He's totally happy being who he is and I love that he's so comfortable in his skin.

I'm an aromantic (meaning I'm uninterested in any sort of romantic relationship) pan-asexual. I'm aesthetically attracted to people, so I'm all "SHINY!" when I see someone I think is pretty, but I'm only interested in looking, not touching. I will quite possibly buy you coffee if you make a Doctor Who and/or Stargate reference, though, with bonus points for obscure Star War references and understanding my geeky tattoos without any help.

It's...frustrating. I refuse to compromise who I am to fit anyone else's view of what I should be, but being stubborn like that often results in frequent urges to smash ones head against a wall and/or facepalm repeatedly. When I say "pretty" or "gorgeous", people automatically think I mean "hot" or "I want to jump that person". No. Also, because I do admire people, I often get the stink eye from people within the asexual community. Everyone also assumes I'm straight and cisgendered (which is a whole different rage), and that I therefore am looking for a good man with whom I can settle down and start a family, which is wrong to assume even when you do meet a straight woman. They're always so perplexed when I say I'm single because I'm not interested in dating anyone.

What I also find very frustrating is when people within the queer community are dismissive of my identity. People have been mostly supportive in real life, but I've gotten into some pretty heated arguments within various online communities and forums in which I've been told that I'm only hurting the queer cause (and the feminist cause) and only want to make everyone else stop having sex. Fun fact: some of the most sex-positive people I have ever met are asexuals. It's crappy when even a supposedly open-minded, inclusive group of people doesn't want you around.

I totally understand where you're coming from. Some people have more sex drive than others. My whole family is people on the low end of the spectrum for sex drive, a convenient thing when you're the parent of teenagers, let me tell you! I suspect my bachelor uncles were gay, but never were in relationships because they could just go with the flow and not give a lot of thought to their sexual orientation. Now that I've passed menopause, the sex drive is pretty much zero, though my husband and I can still have fun without the biological drive. Don't feel pressured to conform to other people's expectations. Do what is enjoyable to you and what gives pleasure to the person you love without worrying about whether you're normal or not.

(Women have the advantage of having periods to tell us our hormones are okay. I know a guy who had a brain tumor as a teen and didn't know his sex drive was suppressed until he had it removed. He had trouble controlling himself around women for a while...)

I know plenty of other asexuals who have a perfectly normal sex drive. It's not always about whether or not your biology works. There is a significant psychological element to it, as well. Some people just aren't interested in having sex, even if the biological urges are there.

What I also find very frustrating is when people within the queer community are dismissive of my identity. People have been mostly supportive in real life, but I've gotten into some pretty heated arguments within various online communities and forums in which I've been told that I'm only hurting the queer cause (and the feminist cause) and only want to make everyone else stop having sex. Fun fact: some of the most sex-positive people I have ever met are asexuals. It's crappy when even a supposedly open-minded, inclusive group of people doesn't want you around.

How could you possibly be hurting either cause?? What were the arguments? (Unless you'd rather not bring it up again.)

Basically, the argument is the same. We don't want sex for ourselves, therefore we're anti-sexual liberation, therefore we're playing right into the hands of the opposition. Try to explain to some people that this is untrue, though, and your protests fall on deaf ears.

I think what I find bamboozling about this whole thread is that, when I was a young tot, just coming out, there were only a few things you could "be". GLBT. Now, there are SO many terms (asexual is not a new term, I know) that it feels impossible to keep up with. How on earth to be culturally competent? )

BTW, cheers for being just who you are.

What I also find very frustrating is when people within the queer community are dismissive of my identity.

I am of the queer community. I think not fitting into perfect square boxes myself has opened me to accept other people who also don't fit into neat little tiny boxes but sometimes I can still be judgemental towards things I have never heard of or am not familiar with. It's not an excuse. I'm aware and work on it.

You are a rarity. I wish more people had that mindset.

How could you possibly be hurting either cause?? What were the arguments? (Unless you'd rather not bring it up again.)

Basically, the argument is the same. We don't want sex for ourselves, therefore we're anti-sexual liberation, therefore we're playing right into the hands of the opposition. Try to explain to some people that this is untrue, though, and your protests fall on deaf ears.

I saw your answer earlier and I've been thinking of something more intelligent to say than "that's a dumb argument". I haven't really come up with anything else. How is that argument any different than some straights saying gays want everyone to be gay? That must be hard to feel attacked on all sides.

Yeah, I've attempted to make that point to them, but they just brush it off. Apparently, if you're a minority and you discriminate against someone, it's OK. Who knew?