Kids Sleeping In Parents' Bed
macpatti
Posts: 4,280 Member
Do you think it's okay for parents to allow their babies, toddlers, and/or small children to sleep with them? Did/do you?
0
Replies
-
i think its fine either way. my daughter (age 11) still loves to sleep with us! We used to put her in her bed and then we would go get her and put her with us.
My 5 year old son didnt sleep with us much but loves to when he can.
I dont think its wrong or right.
I remember my MIL commented about NOT letting our kids sleep with us and my uncle said to her why not? will the kid turn into an alien?
Now dont get me wrong i love having my bed to myself and my husband but sometimes I want my babies with me too.0 -
Eh I have no issues with people who do it responsibly. It's not for us as I am a deep sleeper and our queen is just not big enough for additional kids to share with us. That and my kids have always been brilliant sleepers in their own rooms. Sometimes my son will come snuggle in bed with me in the AM after daddy goes to work, but that isn't quite the same.0
-
We never did when the children where under a year old, my wife was too scared that we might accidently roll over on the child.0
-
i dont have a problem with it. I think its healthy and fine, Ive done it to some extent with all 3. My eldest for 2 years, but i made sure i got the younger two out of my bed much earlier than that. I think its very comforting for a newborn though and means its much easier to get some sleep and makes breastfeeding easier to establish0
-
Babies are at a higher risk of SIDS when sleeping in a regular bed. Until age one, they should sleep on a firm crib mattress without blankets, pillows, stuffed animals or other people. Never mind the fact that a parent could roll over on an infant while sleeping, the bed itself could cause the baby to suffocate.
This issue is very dear to me, I wish people would take it more seriously.
http://www.sidsillinois.org/sids.php
ETA: I understand some people "co-sleep" with their infants in side cars that attach to the bed. I haven't researched them, but I assume they are safe. I also have nothing against children sleeping in bed with their parents once they are old enough that it is not dangerous.0 -
Babies are at a higher risk of SIDS when sleeping in a regular bed. Until age one, they should sleep on a firm crib mattress without blankets, pillows, stuffed animals or other people. Never mind the fact that a parent could roll over on an infant while sleeping, the bed itself could cause the baby to suffocate.
This issue is very dear to me, I wish people would take it more seriously.
http://www.sidsillinois.org/sids.php
ETA: I understand some people "co-sleep" with their infants in side cars that attach to the bed. I haven't researched them, but I assume they are safe. I also have nothing against children sleeping in bed with their parents once they are old enough that it is not dangerous.
The cause of SIDS is unknown, so if a baby is rolled over on or suffocated, then it's not SIDS.0 -
its actually the safest and most natural way for a baby to sleep, providing the parents are not under the influence of any drug (prescription or otherwise) alcohol or are smokers and if the mother is breastfeeding because there is a hormone in breastfeeding which makes the mother sleep slightly less deeply and be more in tune to her baby. The baby should also not be under a duvet and it should be in a proper bed, not on a sofa etc
Pretty much every instance of a baby dying whilst "co-sleeping" has been mothers accidently falling asleep on a sofa and baby becoming suffocated, or while they were under the influence of something.
Unfortunately all these statistics are lumped in with people who do it safely.
the vast vast majority of cot death cases happen ...............in a cot, away from the parents0 -
I know we did it with my daughter a time or two. I'd never scold anyone for doing it.
But there are cases where parents roll over and smother the child. Rare but it does happen. So if you're a heavy sleeper or you toss and turn a lot I'd caution against it. Sure it's rare, but can you imagine the horror? Waking up to realize you'd killed your own child in your sleep? I couldn't live with myself.0 -
I know we did it with my daughter a time or two. I'd never scold anyone for doing it.
But there are cases where parents roll over and smother the child. Rare but it does happen. So if you're a heavy sleeper or you toss and turn a lot I'd caution against it. Sure it's rare, but can you imagine the horror? Waking up to realize you'd killed your own child in your sleep? I couldn't live with myself.
This! Might be a tiny risk, but it's still a risk. Having them in a cot right next to your bed is safest. As they get a bit less vulnerable it's fine, but you need to watch the balance as they get older so they don't turn into these high maintinence kids who refuse to sleep in their own beds!0 -
We did it with our son. He slept in our bed until he was 6/8 months (firm matrass, no pillows...) then we moved him to a side-bed. At 18 mo, we FINALLY finished his room so he (and his bed) moved to his own space. We would have done it earlier (ideally 12mo) but we got lazy and didn't want to lose the extra room so soon. He's now 22 mo and he often join us in our bed when he wakes up during the night.
There are rule for safe cosleeping (http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/sleep-safety/safe-co-sleeping-habits). I personnally don't believe a mother could smother her child during her sleep (unless she's under influence or something) and still have to see a case where it actually happened. As a mother, You are too aware of your child's presence to roll over him and after a few months, your baby is too big to be smothered anyway!0 -
Other than the safety issue, what do you think about claims by people who criticize? Like, it creates an unhealthy relationship between child and parent, children need to learn to be independent, it makes children more dependent upon their parents, etc....?
I'm hoping to find someone here who thinks it's wrong........0 -
Other than the safety issue, what do you think about claims by people who criticize? Like, it creates an unhealthy relationship between child and parent, children need to learn to be independent, it makes children more dependent upon their parents, etc....?
I'm hoping to find someone here who thinks it's wrong........
Hahaha! Someone likes a good debate!
I (and I'm speaking for my partner too) am not looking for my 2 yo to be independant. I'm pretty sure when he's 18 he will be sleeping in someone else's bed anyway! ;-)
ETA: Also, in many cultures in Asia and Africa, kids sleep with their parents until they're weaned and even later. Asian and African kids do not strike me as more dependants than European or American kids!0 -
Both my 24 year old and 19 year old slept with us, and they're 2 of the most independent young men I know! I was criticized for doing it at the time.0
-
providing the parents are not under the influence of any drug (prescription or otherwise) alcohol or are smokers
I'm assuming you mean "smoking in bed", and not just smokers in general.0 -
Both my 24 year old and 19 year old slept with us, and they're 2 of the most independent young men I know! I was criticized for doing it at the time.
I don't think anyone could make an argument that sleeping with your own young children would cause developmental problems. But what age is too old. I don't know, I'm asking.0 -
providing the parents are not under the influence of any drug (prescription or otherwise) alcohol or are smokers
I'm assuming you mean "smoking in bed", and not just smokers in general.
no i mean smokers in general, although i dont know what difference it makes, as i always thought nicotine was a stimulant, not a sedative. Thats what the general consensus/advice is, but i assume the amount you smoke is probably also a factor
Im not a smoker but my partner is, but whenever i co-slept, i usually put baby in the crook of my arm on the outer side of the bed (ie NOT inbetween me and my partner) which meant there was no possibility of him rolling on baby as hes a deep sleeper and a smoker, and its pretty much impossible to roll over onto baby in that position. With my first baby i used to sleep on my back with him lying directly on my chest. That was the only way he would sleep at all. During the whole time i co-slept, i would wake up at any noise any of them made, which is pretty common if youre breastfeeding, and great from a safety point of view, and i would wake up ALWAYS in exactly the same position id gone to sleep in. Mother nature is a wonderful thing. We didnt evolve to put baby in a seperate room down the hall, and we didnt evolve to crush our babys in our sleep either. We wouldnt have lasted very long as a species like that!!
having said that, i was quite pleased to get the last two out of my bed and into their own rooms as soon as possible, as the waking up at every snuffle gets a bit wearing after a while0 -
Okay, so at what age does it become "weird", and not just loving (and I don't mean weird in a sexual manner)? I suppose we could explore 'emotional incest', because I'm sure that could be a reason for some parents to allow their children to sleep with them. I have a younger sister who went through a divorce. She was lonely at night, so she invited her son to sleep in her bed. He was only 3, but he ended up sleeping in her bed until he was 10. Not because HE wanted to, but because she was lonely at night and liked having him in there.0
-
im a bit taken aback by the term emotional incest. What d you mean by that? That there is a sexual element to co-sleeping? Do you think co-sleepers are more likely to be abusers or something?
I dont really think any of those things. Obviously youre going to get isolated cases where it gets a bit weird, but i dont think its the co-sleeping part thats the issue. I think its weird if a child doesnt want to and the parent insists. Not "cal the authorities" weird necessarily, but not really appropriate. I dont think a 10 year old occasionally co sleeping is uncommon though. My best friend quite often wacthes tv in bed with her 12 year old daughter and then they both fall asleep together. I think its cute. Theyre very close.0 -
im a bit taken aback by the term emotional incest. What d you mean by that? That there is a sexual element to co-sleeping? Do you think co-sleepers are more likely to be abusers or something?
No, I don't think that co-sleepers are more likely to be abusers! I've already stated that my kids slept in my bed all the time. I'm talking about single parents who want their kids to sleep with them because they're lonely. I'm using the term emotional incest to refer to single parents who rely on their children to feel the void of not having a relationship. This is not sexual or it would simply be incest. I'm only referring to emotional incest.0 -
right, i dunno, i dont like that term as incest implies sexual. A close loving relationship between parent and child isnt incestuous in any way at all. I can see it can be a bit inappropriate at times and people are always a bit weirded out if a parent shows dependence on their childs love rather than the other way round, but i wonder how abnormal it really is. I guess its just about to what extent it happens.
It must be difficult as a single parent to not fall into that trap occasionally if they have noone else, but I think those sort of relationships can arise with or without the child bed-sharing0 -
I think the ideal moment (rather than age) to stop cosleeping is when the kid and/or parents don't want to cosleep anymore.0
-
Funny, we are having a discussion on co-sleeping and bedsharing on another (non MFP) forum. It is all women on there, and many of the women are mothers who either co-sleep or bedshare. I don't know if this is because I don't want children or not, but personally I think it is up to each individual family.
I do think there is a certain age when it should stop, however. I don't know what the cut-off point is.0 -
Babies are at a higher risk of SIDS when sleeping in a regular bed. Until age one, they should sleep on a firm crib mattress without blankets, pillows, stuffed animals or other people. Never mind the fact that a parent could roll over on an infant while sleeping, the bed itself could cause the baby to suffocate.
This issue is very dear to me, I wish people would take it more seriously.
http://www.sidsillinois.org/sids.php
ETA: I understand some people "co-sleep" with their infants in side cars that attach to the bed. I haven't researched them, but I assume they are safe. I also have nothing against children sleeping in bed with their parents once they are old enough that it is not dangerous.
The cause of SIDS is unknown, so if a baby is rolled over on or suffocated, then it's not SIDS.
You are correct, if a baby suffocates or gets rolled over on, it is not SIDS. However, it is still a risk that is not there if a baby is sleeping in a crib.
According to the American SIDS Institute, soft mattresses (similar to that an adult would use) are associated with SIDS. They also recommend no covers or pillows be in the bed with an infant.
Although the cause of SIDS is not known, it is generally accepted that infants are safer in a crib than sleeping in a bed with other people. I do not understand why someone would take the risk when it is not necessary.
http://www.sids.org/nprevent.htm0 -
There are rule for safe cosleeping (http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/sleep-safety/safe-co-sleeping-habits). I personnally don't believe a mother could smother her child during her sleep (unless she's under influence or something) and still have to see a case where it actually happened. As a mother, You are too aware of your child's presence to roll over him and after a few months, your baby is too big to be smothered anyway!
http://www.jsonline.com/news/wisconsin/82679412.html
http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/illinois/south-roxana-baby-dies-when-sleeping-father-rolls-over-on/article_728b8686-112e-11e1-8006-001a4bcf6878.html
http://www.sanduskyregister.com/2008/apr/30/babys-death-still-under-investigation
http://www.modbee.com/2007/12/04/141599/5-week-old-dies-while-sleeping.html
Happens plenty. You just have to look.0 -
I wouldn't want my kids sleeping with me for the reason that I like sex. And, having sex with a child in the bed is awkward and wrong. So, I guess every once in a while it would be ok, but not that much.0
-
In a lot of native and indigenous cultures, probably most of them, children sleep with their mother until they are weaned, which may not happen until the child is 2-4 years old. It's actually very healthy for the mother, because it means she probably won't be getting pregnant again until then. In societies without birth control, it's a way to help women space out their children so they don't stress their bodies with too many pregnancies in a short amount of time. And there are all sorts of advantages to strengthening the bond between children and parents.0
-
There are rule for safe cosleeping (http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/sleep-safety/safe-co-sleeping-habits). I personnally don't believe a mother could smother her child during her sleep (unless she's under influence or something) and still have to see a case where it actually happened. As a mother, You are too aware of your child's presence to roll over him and after a few months, your baby is too big to be smothered anyway!
http://www.jsonline.com/news/wisconsin/82679412.html
http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/illinois/south-roxana-baby-dies-when-sleeping-father-rolls-over-on/article_728b8686-112e-11e1-8006-001a4bcf6878.html
http://www.sanduskyregister.com/2008/apr/30/babys-death-still-under-investigation
http://www.modbee.com/2007/12/04/141599/5-week-old-dies-while-sleeping.html
Happens plenty. You just have to look.
Nowhere in the article is said they were practicing safe cosleeping. Pillows, covers, obese parents, sharing bed with siblings as well, drugs... are all factors that can make cosleeping unsafe and dangerous.0 -
lmao thats why I am always kicking the kids out of the room. Me and my wife never let our kids sleep with us till the after the age of 1 (because of the chance of sids and the fear my fat *kitten* would roll over and smother the kid. Even now kids hardly if ever sleep in bed with us and thats only if they have a bad dream or is not feeling good.I wouldn't want my kids sleeping with me for the reason that I like sex. And, having sex with a child in the bed is awkward and wrong. So, I guess every once in a while it would be ok, but not that much.0 -
Nowhere in the article is said they were practicing safe cosleeping. Pillows, covers, obese parents, sharing bed with siblings as well, drugs... are all factors that can make cosleeping unsafe and dangerous.
If pillows, covers and the weight of the parents involved all make cosleeping dangerous it sounds like cosleeping is pretty dangerous. Most people are overweight and sleep with pillows and blankets.
Sure cosleeping can be safe provided that any parents in the bed sleep lightly and have a constant awareness of where the baby is,don't roll over, haven't been drinking or using drugs, don't have any other children in the bed and don't use much in the way of pillows and blankets. But that's a lot of caveats. Too many for the blanket statement "cosleeping is safe for babies."
Odds are nothing bad is going to happen. But that "something bad" that might happen is pretty much the worst possible thing in the world. It's a pretty big risk.0
This discussion has been closed.