I joined then chickened out for a while
Jill_newimprovedversion
Posts: 988 Member
When Erin started this group, I was all gun-ho...then I chickened out- preferring NOT to deal with this....
but i can't. Because the past is coming back AGAIN, and I'm turning back to my old coping mechanism.....eating.
Binging, to be more precise.
To me, gaining weight was a decision on my part to divert unwanted attention.
I'm not ready (not sure I ever will be) to go into detail about the sexual abuse(s) over the years, but
here's where I'm at now.
I've FINALLY reached my final goal weight. And I'm feeling healthy, strong, fit and yes, I feel beautiful again.
My hubby says I have a glow about me and he likes how I look too
He started calling me his "sexy lady" again
But, out of the woodwork, come the creeps in life. The dirty old men- the cat-callls- the memories....
As a young teen, I HATED it then. I'd complain, and what I heard was chastisement from my Mother....
it was either I was extremely conceited to think I was drawing anyone's attention
OR
that was the "price you pay for being attractive."
Never could figure out which one it was myself.
So, now it seems to be happening again. And I'm back to wondering if I just have an over-inflated ego and that
there isn't ANYONE looking/gawking/....dare I say.......lusting?
or are the creeps re-surfacing?
Either way, I've fallen back into some binges. I HATE the attention. I don't know that I can handle another
guy deciding I'm sending off *signals* and forcing himself on me.
I'm SO tired of wondering if I do this subconsciously- and that deep down, I really, truly do enjoy being a "tease"
I don't have to deal with this when I'm repulsive. It's no wonder I felt so much safer with 50 extra pounds on me.
but i can't. Because the past is coming back AGAIN, and I'm turning back to my old coping mechanism.....eating.
Binging, to be more precise.
To me, gaining weight was a decision on my part to divert unwanted attention.
I'm not ready (not sure I ever will be) to go into detail about the sexual abuse(s) over the years, but
here's where I'm at now.
I've FINALLY reached my final goal weight. And I'm feeling healthy, strong, fit and yes, I feel beautiful again.
My hubby says I have a glow about me and he likes how I look too
He started calling me his "sexy lady" againBut, out of the woodwork, come the creeps in life. The dirty old men- the cat-callls- the memories....
As a young teen, I HATED it then. I'd complain, and what I heard was chastisement from my Mother....
it was either I was extremely conceited to think I was drawing anyone's attention
OR
that was the "price you pay for being attractive."
Never could figure out which one it was myself.
So, now it seems to be happening again. And I'm back to wondering if I just have an over-inflated ego and that
there isn't ANYONE looking/gawking/....dare I say.......lusting?
or are the creeps re-surfacing?
Either way, I've fallen back into some binges. I HATE the attention. I don't know that I can handle another
guy deciding I'm sending off *signals* and forcing himself on me.
I'm SO tired of wondering if I do this subconsciously- and that deep down, I really, truly do enjoy being a "tease"
I don't have to deal with this when I'm repulsive. It's no wonder I felt so much safer with 50 extra pounds on me.
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Replies
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Those feelings are understandable. Have you seen a counselor? It might be worth it to help you work through some of this. You don't want to sabotage all the effort you've put forth to be healthy.
Maybe you should consider taking a self-defense class. That might give you the feeling of having some power over anyone who tries to hurt you. At this point, you are probably feeling helpless and defenseless. Taking a self-defense class might help empower you to know that you can defend yourself if someone does try to force anything on you (you'd also come out knowing it's okay to kick someone where it hurts if necessary!). Often women (and not just sexual abuse survivors either) feel they don't have a RIGHT to defend themselves. A self-defense course can help us work through that. I'm planning on taking one in the spring if my gym offers it (they were going to offer it this month, but with the holidays, they had no takers). I haven't been sexually abused, but my husband was verbally abusive to me while he was sexually abusing our daughter, which can be just as damaging. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to learn to defend myself and to see that it's okay to do so.
Please don't ever feel you have to share details with us. That's not what this is about. But feel free to vent whatever you may be experiencing as far as your struggles. We don't have to know details to be able to support you!
I think my biggest piece of advice is not to let the creeps of the world rob you of the victory you've had in losing weight and getting healthy. You don't deserve that kind of crappy treatment, and the problem is entirely theirs. You've done NOTHING wrong. Unfortunately, there are creeps in all walks of life, and I don't think you can avoid them. What you can do is empower yourself to tell them to back off and to physically defend yourself if needed. If they know you are confident and can defend yourself, most of them will back off because they're cowards. So you be the strong, tough one! You can do this, and we're all here for you!0 -
The advise kimbrooks15 gives is great! I especially like the idea of a self-defense class and I know from experience how helpful therapy can be. What you're going through is hard. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, and possibly most important, what was done to you was/is NOT your fault. The perpetrator(s) made the choice to hurt you. YOU did NOT choose to be hurt. I'm so sorry that your mother's influence has made you question this. YOU are the VICTIM. The abuse is NOT your fault.0
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