How is everyone?
kmbrooks15
Posts: 941 Member
We've not had much activity from our group lately. How is everyone doing?
I've been so busy at work this last couple of weeks. I work at a church as the music ministry assistant (with an interim music minister who's only really here on Wednesday nights and Sundays!). I also help direct the children's choir. We had their program Wednesday night, followed by rehearsal for our Festival of Christmas that night, last night, and tonight. The Festival is Sunday. I'll be SO GLAD when it's over! I'm in the adult choir, handbell choir, and have to direct the children on a couple of songs. Just absolute craziness...thankfully I only work two days next week and two the following week! I also got a slight raise for next year!
How are all of you doing with holiday plans? Any of you facing seeing family that makes this time really difficult for you? I know if your abuser was family or you had family that didn't believe you that holidays can be particularly difficult. How are you planning to handle those situations?
Since my husband committed suicide, my daughter doesn't have to worry about seeing her abuser. My husband's parents didn't even call us on Thanksgiving, so I'm not worried about having to see them on Christmas. My daughter and I will get up and do day 3 of C25K (starting next week!), then we'll go to church. My parents are coming for a light lunch after church and to do presents, then we'll all head to my sister's for dinner and presents there. Should be a full and happy day for her. Last year at this time, all of the abuse stuff was still fresh, my husband was still alive and out on bond (staying with his parents), divorce and criminal trial were pending, and a lot of uncertainty about what the future held. Now, we are settled in here in our new home and doing well. I always have in the back of my mind, though, that my daughter will have to deal with the memories for the rest of her life.
I've been so busy at work this last couple of weeks. I work at a church as the music ministry assistant (with an interim music minister who's only really here on Wednesday nights and Sundays!). I also help direct the children's choir. We had their program Wednesday night, followed by rehearsal for our Festival of Christmas that night, last night, and tonight. The Festival is Sunday. I'll be SO GLAD when it's over! I'm in the adult choir, handbell choir, and have to direct the children on a couple of songs. Just absolute craziness...thankfully I only work two days next week and two the following week! I also got a slight raise for next year!
How are all of you doing with holiday plans? Any of you facing seeing family that makes this time really difficult for you? I know if your abuser was family or you had family that didn't believe you that holidays can be particularly difficult. How are you planning to handle those situations?
Since my husband committed suicide, my daughter doesn't have to worry about seeing her abuser. My husband's parents didn't even call us on Thanksgiving, so I'm not worried about having to see them on Christmas. My daughter and I will get up and do day 3 of C25K (starting next week!), then we'll go to church. My parents are coming for a light lunch after church and to do presents, then we'll all head to my sister's for dinner and presents there. Should be a full and happy day for her. Last year at this time, all of the abuse stuff was still fresh, my husband was still alive and out on bond (staying with his parents), divorce and criminal trial were pending, and a lot of uncertainty about what the future held. Now, we are settled in here in our new home and doing well. I always have in the back of my mind, though, that my daughter will have to deal with the memories for the rest of her life.
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I'm doing well! I've been in a women's group through my school for the past few months and I finally realized that my confidence is slowly getting better. Of course we're going to be off for the next few weeks for the holidays, but I can't wait to be back. I love my women's group!0
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That's awesome that you've found a group you can be a part of and gain support from. Everyone should be so lucky! I'm looking to join a beginner's running group in January and am hoping to meet some other folks through that. I meet people at church, but because I also work at the church, I have to be really cautious about discussing anything with them. Makes it hard to make friends, which is why I'd like to join the running group and hopefully make some friends there.0
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Hi all,
I actually left my boyfriend in NC and moved back home to MA at my mom's house to deal with all of this sexual abuse stuff being brought out in the open recently. Unlike many survivors i am fortunate enough to have a family that has been trying to rally around me in support. I figured I may as well embrace that. Havent seen my brother yet (one of my abusers) I.will probably see him some time around Christmas. I connected with my old therapist out here and saw her yesterday. Christmas eve will be interesting because i have a feeling my grandma is going to confront the parents of my cousin who abused me...She's very heartbroken and angry about all of this and she has a tendency to drink a little and make a scene. Fun fun.0 -
Hi all,
I actually left my boyfriend in NC and moved back home to MA at my mom's house to deal with all of this sexual abuse stuff being brought out in the open recently. Unlike many survivors i am fortunate enough to have a family that has been trying to rally around me in support. I figured I may as well embrace that. Havent seen my brother yet (one of my abusers) I.will probably see him some time around Christmas. I connected with my old therapist out here and saw her yesterday. Christmas eve will be interesting because i have a feeling my grandma is going to confront the parents of my cousin who abused me...She's very heartbroken and angry about all of this and she has a tendency to drink a little and make a scene. Fun fun.
It's good that you're finally out of that relationship and seeing your therapist again! I ♥ my therapist
As for the Christmas thing, maybe suggest to her to not confront your cousin or their parents?0 -
Erin, I'm glad you're out of the relationship, too. I think you need to focus on dealing with the issues from your abuse before you can have a healthy relationship. Just put yourself first for awhile and work with your therapist.
I'll be praying for you over the holidays. Holidays can be hard enough without having to face someone who abused you. I agree with SatiricalWoman, too...it might be worth having a conversation with your grandmother about not confronting these issues at Christmastime. It sounds like it may need to be done eventually, but perhaps Christmas isn't the time. Then again, with some families, getting it out in the open and clearing the air works. Only you know your family and whether that's a good idea or not.
Hang in there...we're all pulling for you and rooting for you to get through this!0 -
Erin, I'm glad you're out of the relationship, too. I think you need to focus on dealing with the issues from your abuse before you can have a healthy relationship. Just put yourself first for awhile and work with your therapist.
I'll be praying for you over the holidays. Holidays can be hard enough without having to face someone who abused you. I agree with SatiricalWoman, too...it might be worth having a conversation with your grandmother about not confronting these issues at Christmastime. It sounds like it may need to be done eventually, but perhaps Christmas isn't the time. Then again, with some families, getting it out in the open and clearing the air works. Only you know your family and whether that's a good idea or not.
Hang in there...we're all pulling for you and rooting for you to get through this!
I cannot agree more! I used to go from relationship to relationship and I realized I need to pause and get to know myself. It has been hard and I am nowhere near beginning to repair things in myself, but I am glad that I realized even one thing.0 -
kimbrooks15: Your story is so similar to mine and the main reason I decided to join this group. My ex and I took in a little girl (my cousin's biological daughter) to raise. When my father asked if we'd be willing to provide her a home, we jumped at the chance. Just over three years later, she confessed to a friend at school that he had raped her. I will be forever grateful that children are taught what to do is such situations and both girls had the courage to tell. The friend went to a therapist at school and told. I found out in the Police Department that afternoon and went into shock. I'd been with him for 12.5 years at that point. I removed my ring that next day and filed for divorce soon after that. Because we had not adopted her, he and his family had no rights to her. I had a no contact clause added to the divorce as an additional protection when I realized that he was still trying to manipulate me through his letters. Through my support group for Victims of Domestic Violence, I've come to realize that I am so lucky. I was able to cut ties completely with our abuser and his family. It's been more than two years now and she is doing really well. She still is in therapy; we both are and we are grateful to be together and free from the abuse we've learned he perpetrated on each of us. We just finalized my adoption of her last week, the perfect Christmas gift.0
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Wow, quiltlady77...our stories ARE similar. I'd been married 18 1/2 years when I found out what my husband was doing to our daughter. I am glad you were able to still finalize the adoption...she needs a forever home, and who better but you?
I guess I'll never understand what makes a happily married, Christian man decide to do what my husband did. He was not like that in the early years of our marriage, and I'm still uncertain what pushed him over the edge.
I also have no contact with my in-laws (with the exception of my husband's brother's ex-wife--he didn't abuse her or the kids, but he did view pornography and have emotional affairs; I found out yesterday that he cheated on his second wife, too). My in-laws didn't even send a Christmas card this year.
I'm going to send you a friend request!0 -
I don't understand it either, but my therapist says simply they are sick. He agrees that it doesn't make what they did ok, though. Frankly, I could never understand what motivates the blatant unkindness in his family either. I've given up trying.
His family blames me and even harassed and threatened me after the arrest to the point where I had police officers twice strongly suggest I get a Protective Order. Neither of the Orders stuck for more than a few weeks and his sister actually petitioned the court to have me pay her legal fees. Since the Judge was very decisive in my favor, I've had no further contact or involvement with them. I've moved too so they don't know where I live. I did see some of them at his Parole Hearing this summer. It was very difficult but felt like a much bigger win than when he was sentenced. He's not eligible again until May 2015. 0 -
My in-laws were not kind either. When my husband committed suicide, my parents and I called his father and mother to offer condolences and find out if it was okay for us to come to the funeral. We were subjected to a 15 minute diatribe in which my father-in-law (my mother-in-law wouldn't even talk to us) blamed everyone but my husband for what had happened--my pastor shouldn't have reported to the authorities, I should have visited him in jail, I shouldn't have filed for divorce, my daughter is a liar, etc. They bonded my husband out and took him to their home to await trial, and while there, I think he told them all kinds of lies about the situation. The biggest was that the detective kept him up all night trying to coerce a confession, threatening to bring me and our daughter in and grill us, etc. None of that is true; the detective picked him up at 6:45 pm and called me an hour and a half later to say he'd confessed to everything! I think my husband committed suicide because he got word that a trial date was set, and he knew the truth would come out when they played the video of the interrogation in court. But I know what you're going through with the in-laws, because mine don't believe us either. In fact, they've had no contact with us...not even a Christmas card this year. I think that's best, though...no telling what they might say to my kids!
I'm glad you're safe and that the justice system worked in your favor. Sounds like you are getting life back on track, too! I firmly believe that you can have a life after something so tragic; it just takes time and effort to make it happen.
By the way, my kids are adopted, too. We adopted them through the foster care system back in 2007. All this with my husband came to light last year in September.0 -
The Foster system helped me adopt my daughter. My life was turned right-side-up (though it didn't seem like it at the time) in September 2009. I'm glad that you and your children are safe and on the path to healing too.0
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I just joined the group, hope everyone made it through the holidays ok, take care0
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Persephone, glad to have you! Please feel free to share whatever you are comfortable sharing, and if we can help you in any way, let us know!0
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Thanks, is there anywhere like a 'my story' post for people to use to share experiences or is it just make a new topic?0
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You can start a new topic if you'd like. I'll go in and create an "Introduce Yourself" topic, and you can post there if you'd prefer.0
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