I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past few days. The house is calming down from the holidays and I've had a few days away from work, so I've been able to just sit quietly with myself. I've come to realize that a large part of my depression is fueled by things I have no control over. I know that I am chemically predisposed to depression, that won't ever change. I hope that I can make some changes in my thought processes that will help. If it weren't for my chemistry, I might have been able to brush off the things that have happened lately. Instead, they have sent me spiraling in to a dark, lonely place full of self loathing and pain. I have been trying to "fix' things to no avail. I can't fix what I can't control. I can't make someone feel a certain way. I can't change the past. I can't be anyone other than who I am, and I'm so freaking tired of feeling like that isn't good enough. Why isn't it? If it isn't, then who's problem is that? I'm going to focus on being good enough for me. If that isn't enough for someone else, then that's their problem to deal with. I won't spend any more time or energy apologizing, feeling like crap or wishing I could be someone else. I won't ever be from a "better" family. I won't ever like certain activities. I won't ever be shorter or younger for heavens sake! I won't be a damsel in distress who needs to be rescued. I can't keep hating myself for being me. I will keep working to improve myself, but I MUST stop trying to change how others feel. I WILL stop stressing and feeling bad about things that I can't change. I WILL stop apologizing for being me, and I WON'T feel sorry for you if you chose to be with me. You know what? I'm not so bad. If you've spent your time with me wishing for something else, but never went after it, then that is your issue, not mine. So go, or stay, but dammit - quit trying to make me feel bad for your choices. Love me and enjoy me or not, you will be the one missing out if you don't.