Inappropriate Outings
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Posts: 264
The "golden rule" of the LGBT+/Allied community is to never out anyone, ever, for any reason, without their consent. We are often very selective about who we trust enough to divulge such intimate information about our lives, and this is with good reason. An outing in the wrong place and/or at the wrong time can result in abuse, discrimination, harassment, violence, loss of employment, and even loss of life. That being said, have you ever been outed by someone you trusted enough to tell? What was your reaction? Did you terminate your relationship with that person? Did you take any action at all? What, if anything, happened as a result of the outing, and was it positive or negative?
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Very well put, Candace.
I've seen this happen to people back in grade school, it was tough. Suddenly theyre shunned by everyone except a handful of people, more often than not people theyre only friends with now due to obligation. Neighbor of mine took his own life when his brother outted him to the family. Another time, a kid in the punk scene in high school was outted by a friend and he seemed to embrace it fairly well. First time i saw a dead kennedy's logo stitched to a pride flag on a vest.
As for myself, ive gotten close to telling people when i was 16 that i was interested in bisexualality, then when i knew i was bisexual i never told anyone until this past few months to handful of people. I dont think any of them would try and use it against me, tho if they did I would still keep my head up. Im not ashamed of my attraction, in fact i would defend it with full force. I have to admit tho, if i went around telling everyone at work, i know it would make a few people uncomfortable so i just chill on that.
If someone were to privately ask me if i was bisexual, after analyzing the situation, i wouldn't deny it.0 -
Many moons ago, when I was a freshman in high school I came out to my best friend but asked her not to tell anyone because our school was very... let's just say close-minded. She stopped talking to me almost immediately and managed to tell everyone my secret, including her mother, by the end of the week.
That's how I came out to my parents. My friend's mom called my mom and it was all over after that. I was grounded for being gay and by the end of the month was being tormented so badly by teachers and students I had to switch schools.
Later in life I asked this "friend" why she had done this to me and she simply said "I was afraid if you were gay people would think I was gay." Aw. What a wonderful reason to ruin my life as opposed to just keeping your mouth shut about something I told you in confidence.
Follow-up to that story:
1. My wife went to the same school 5 years later and came-out with no problems.
2. Said "friend" is now bisexual.
My how time distorts things.0 -
Luckily I'm one of those types who wants everyone in the world to know I'm gay, because I feel the only way to remedy misconceptions about gay people is to actually KNOW gay people. So I have never hidden it from anyone and have let my friends know that it's a-okay to tell others about me. That said, I respect and understand other people's reasoning for not wanting their sexuality aired out; it's a sensitive subject and I will always back a person's right to privacy.0
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I think i "outed" a relative to my mom once. It was long ago when I really was quite ignorant and had the mentality that it was more like confirming a speculation than telling a secret. I don't think it ever made it all the way back around, but I have regretted it ever since :frown:
It's amazing the things a decade or so will teach you about the world. And yourself. And yourself in the world. And how easy it is to screw up sometimes...0 -
I have never been inappropriately outed, but this brings to mind a recent situation that many of my friends on here may recall.
My little sister and her girlfriend broke up rather messily during the summer. My little sister is 17, and her gf was 15. The ex-gf continued to text my little sister after being asked repeatedly to stop, to the point where my little sis warned her that her behavior was harassment.
Flash forward a bit, and my little sis receives a text from her ex-gf's mother. The woman threatens my little sister, stating that if she doesn't stop contacting the ex-gf, the woman was going to go to the school and demand my little sis's expulsion and out her to our parents.
I was HORRIFIED when my little sis told me this. First, my little sis wasn't the one who was harassing somebody in this situation. Second of all, this woman is involved in the LGBT community -- as in she marches in Pride and has a photography business that caters to LGBT people, including a queer burlesque troupe one of my very good friends is a part of.
Talk about inappropriate. A supposedly queer-friendly parent bullying a 17-year-old girl.0 -
I have been outted by the people that I thought that I could trust the most...my mother and one significant other that will remain nameless. In the one case where my other half outted me, it was at my job. I ended up with this REALLY NASTY girl hitting on me in front of my customers thinking it was cute. It was not cute and it cost me my job. It was a really good job too. My mother on the other hand was more trying to hook me up...I think...lol0
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OH man...agreed.
I used to have this friend that would introduce me as "this is Sarah, she's bisexual."
It always felt so awkward...0 -
OH man...agreed.
I used to have this friend that would introduce me as "this is Sarah, she's bisexual."
It always felt so awkward...
I hate that. One of my friends did that to me, introduce me as their "gay friend". She did it once with some of her sorority friends at a bar because I overheard them talking. I told her immediately that if she ever introduced me as that again we were no longer friends. And this was a good friend of mine. I told her how it made me feel so 1-dimesional and that it was wrong for her to label me as her "gay friend" when I was just her friend. period. not her hispanic friend, not her male friend, and not her gay friend. just her friend. and if she only saw me as her gay friend then we shouldn't be friends. She did not realize it was offensive, and she stopped.
You should not tolerate that from anyone we are all individuals with many traits and if your friends want to water you down to just one aspect of your life then you should confront them about it.0 -
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Oh God, I do that all the time. >.<
but at least I do it for myself too.
Hey Im *insert my name* Im the Pansexual Tranny and this is my best *kitten* friend Keira and my awesome *kitten* Carlos.
WE ARE THE THREE MUSKA-QUEERS!
yes that is actually what I say.
and sorry for the not-so-nice words. me and my close LGBT friends have re-claimed the offensive words of the past and are now empowered by them.
Good for you! As long as all three of you're on board, I think it's great! Too many "offensive" words have become offensive.0 -
I don't think I've ever outed anybody.. or witnessed anybody being outed. Which is great, because it sounds super awkward for everybody involved.
Back home int he USA, I don't try to hide it at all an everyone knows it can be spoken of openly.
But I currently live and work in South Korea. If I get outed at work, I'll LIKELY get fired. If just my boss knew, it would be okay because she'd probably just pretend she never heard it. But if any of my students' parents found out and complained, they'd probably have to fire me.
So.. it sucks. The other expats (americans or canadians) that I work with ALL know. But of the 40+ Koreans who work there, only 2 know.
I'm only PARTIALLY in the closet.. but it sucks!! Really makes my heart ache for all the people living in places/circumstances that don't allow them to come out.0 -
*hangs my head in shame*
I accidentally outed my best friend to her ex-girlfriend from high school at a reunion party. She wasn't attending, but I was along with some friends from waaaaay back when. She had just started living full time as a woman, but hadn't really passed along the word. However, she had asked me to help people switch to her feminine name in our inner group, so when someone at the reunion referred to her by her male name, out popped "no, its Teagan, please remember that," without even thinking that her long-term ex from high school was standing right next to me, along with the entire group we used to hang out. Probably one of the the most embarrassing moment of my life, but not as bad as when I met up with her later that night and confessed to her what had happened. Worst. Friend. Ever.0 -
PlunderBunneh, Worst. Friend. Ever. would have done it on purpose, and laughed about it. Accidents happen. Was your friend upset?
Anyway, I was outed, and it infuriated me. Back in high school, I started noticing other girls, but tried to pretend that I didn't. By college, I was pretty certain of my feelings. I came out to my counselor, and began to feel more confident in myself. I started to go to GSA meetings and was trying to work up the nerve to tell my friends.
Meanwhile, one of my friends (former friends, I should say
) pointed out to everyone at dinner one night (while I was in class) that it was kind of weird that I was 22 and had never had a boyfriend and that I kept my hair relatively short. She pointed out that I never joined in the 'OMG, that guy over there is so hot' conversations, and told all of my friends that that obviously meant I was a lesbian.
Another friend came to me and told me what had been said, and asked if it was true. I told her it was, and she was super supportive, but I was furious. My big-mouthed friend avoided me for nearly a week before I finally cornered in the hallway and asked her why she'd said that, why she didn't ask me herself. She shrugged as if it was no big deal, and said that she was just 'sharing a hypothesis.' I told her I was disappointed in her, and that if she didn't learn to keep her 'hypotheses' about her friends to herself, she was going to lose a lot of friends. I haven't spoken to her since.
I'm over it, more or less, but at the time, I felt like something really important had been taken from me. I was in the process of re-inventing myself emotionally and mentally, and I wasn't ready. I'm fortunate that my friends were open-minded and supportive of me.0 -
OH man...agreed.
I used to have this friend that would introduce me as "this is Sarah, she's bisexual."
It always felt so awkward...
I hate that. One of my friends did that to me, introduce me as their "gay friend". She did it once with some of her sorority friends at a bar because I overheard them talking. I told her immediately that if she ever introduced me as that again we were no longer friends. And this was a good friend of mine. I told her how it made me feel so 1-dimesional and that it was wrong for her to label me as her "gay friend" when I was just her friend. period. not her hispanic friend, not her male friend, and not her gay friend. just her friend. and if she only saw me as her gay friend then we shouldn't be friends. She did not realize it was offensive, and she stopped.
You should not tolerate that from anyone we are all individuals with many traits and if your friends want to water you down to just one aspect of your life then you should confront them about it.
I don't know if I'd want to be friends with someone that thought of me that way. Like when you introduce a friend to someone else you usually say one or two things about that person that is either 1) how you met 2) how they are related to/have something in common with the person they are being introduced to or 3) something that really defines them as a person and only if 1 or 2 do not apply.
So its really creepy and inappropriate that your so called friends would jump to 3 IMMEDIATELY and think that obviously your sexuality is the most important way you define yourself.0 -
I totally agree too. Being a police officer, and not necessarily being "outed" per se has caused me YEARS of grief on my job. Nosy people who like to "assume" and spread gossipy rumors are just as bad. It got really ****ty at my job, to the point where I had no choice but to "out" myself to the bosses and ask that the crap stop. From that point on, it just got worse. I guess people just dont think that gay males have the balls to stick up for themselves. A trip to the human rights commission, my attorney, internal affairs, and a lawsuit has pretty much quelled things..now its just a waiting game. BTW, i didnt know strait boys could **** their pants so much!!!!0
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I'm pretty sure my mom has "outted" me to most of my family. She really enjoys drama and if that's all she has in life, whatever. I'm not involved with her or most of my family, so they can think what they will.
I can't stand when someone is introduced as "gay." One of my sisters does this sometimes. She'll tell me a story about one of her friends, but preface it by saying "he's gay".. what? how is that even relevant? I've called her out on it and I think it made her feel kind of stupid, so..0 -
In school I used to have a friend who would announce that I was gay but didn't know it yet - looking back, I guess she was right, but it really made things awkward, and it makes me pretty angry now, knowing the risk she was putting me under.0
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Oh God, I do that all the time. >.<
but at least I do it for myself too.
Hey Im *insert my name* Im the Pansexual Tranny and this is my best *kitten* friend Keira and my awesome *kitten* Carlos.
WE ARE THE THREE MUSKA-QUEERS!
yes that is actually what I say.
and sorry for the not-so-nice words. me and my close LGBT friends have re-claimed the offensive words of the past and are now empowered by them.
That is awesome... i love the empowerment... my partner and I have been known to reclaim a few too
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I think my mom "outed" me to my family as well but I wasnt mad at her about it.
I basically OUT myself to everybody because I am proud of who I am.
People either accept it or they dont.0 -
Sadly for me I outed myself kinda. Told the only gay friend I had at a club that I was gay and he proceeded to kiss me in front of all my friends. I didnt not kiss back so obviously everyone knew. I have never had to tell a single person other than that guy that I was gay. Word spreads fast but I had a netwrok of good friends and the only one who really had a problem with it was me! I'm still working out my own problems. I'm not particularly camp so it's so tiresome seeing the shock on peoples faces when they find out. Sometimes I wish I was more flamboyan then I wouldnt have to say it to anyone. The joys of being unstereotypically gay. Oh hey I'm new to these forums btw so if anyone wants to add me I'd love me a few MFP friends ;D0
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Sadly for me I outed myself kinda. Told the only gay friend I had at a club that I was gay and he proceeded to kiss me in front of all my friends. I didnt not kiss back so obviously everyone knew. I have never had to tell a single person other than that guy that I was gay. Word spreads fast but I had a netwrok of good friends and the only one who really had a problem with it was me! I'm still working out my own problems. I'm not particularly camp so it's so tiresome seeing the shock on peoples faces when they find out. Sometimes I wish I was more flamboyan then I wouldnt have to say it to anyone. The joys of being unstereotypically gay. Oh hey I'm new to these forums btw so if anyone wants to add me I'd love me a few MFP friends ;D
Welcome to MFP...and belated welcome to your outing!
There are many flavors of gay men (pun only partially intended). Fret not over being less flamboyant than others.0 -
Sadly for me I outed myself kinda. Told the only gay friend I had at a club that I was gay and he proceeded to kiss me in front of all my friends. I didnt not kiss back so obviously everyone knew. I have never had to tell a single person other than that guy that I was gay. Word spreads fast but I had a netwrok of good friends and the only one who really had a problem with it was me! I'm still working out my own problems. I'm not particularly camp so it's so tiresome seeing the shock on peoples faces when they find out. Sometimes I wish I was more flamboyan then I wouldnt have to say it to anyone. The joys of being unstereotypically gay. Oh hey I'm new to these forums btw so if anyone wants to add me I'd love me a few MFP friends ;D
Welcome to MFP...and belated welcome to your outing!
There are many flavors of gay men (pun only partially intended). Fret not over being less flamboyant than others.
hehe thanks man glad to be here 0 -
Wow; this sounds very similar to my story as well. The friend that gave me hardest time also identifies as gay now. It is so interesting.0
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I am bisexual, but I dont tell people because Im still affraid of consequences... Only my closest friends know (and people I dont know at all, like you guys on this forum! lol XD).
However, my husband once outted me to my mom.
Im pretty sure he did it on purpose to hurt me... At the time, I had just broken up with him, and obviously he was mad at me! :P He knew very well that I didnt want my "secret" to be known, especially by my family... He tried to convince my mom I was a bad person, that I wanted to leave him because I prefer women... That may be true, but my mother didnt need to know about my sex life!!!! :P
I am still living with my husband today. Not by choice. This story is only one of the many reasons why I hate him.0 -
^^ I'm bisexual, too and don't bring it up to everyone I meet, lol. It just doesn't come up in conversation, not that I'm hiding it. I'm lucky to live in a pretty tolerant place, and I'm pretty confident about my reputation. So even if I were outed by someone unintentionally, people who matter to me will second guess any (if they have any) negative beliefs they have about bisexuals, and I'm not going to stop anyone who's going to judge me based on a label from walking out the door.0
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I have never been outed nor have I outed someone, but I must say I was tempted to once before.
I would never, under any circumstance, actually out someone, but this guy made me very upset.
Someone on facebook (it always starts with facebook...) posted on how they were excited prop 8 was repealed. A gay man I know (we will call him JJ) decided he was going to comment that gays were going to hell, etc. My best friend is a gay man and he and JJ had an on and off relationship. I simply sent JJ a private message saying I felt sorry for him for self hating, but he really shouldn't say such hurtful things about people he could relate to. More people knew (unfortunately) than he wanted knowing and others ended up outing him on that same thread, which was wrong of them. I have to say it bothered me, I can understand him not wanting people to know yet (the guy was still in high school), but to deliberately say mean things really isn't the smartest way to come across as not being gay-especially if people are already suspicious of you! Sadly, this is all too common. Some men and women live in denial their entire lives about it.0 -
Well all of this is really recent.. but after ending my marriage of 6 years, i decided to be with my current girlfriend Liz. of course a surprise to most... however i kinda went out of my way to keep that from my dad for a little bit.. he was pretty upset about my break up and was kinda confused. he's a bleeding heart so he was sad for my ex-husband and i didn't want to spring this on him. Plus my dad has a lot of health problems i didn't wanna upset him further until he got over the split.
well after my brother found out b/c people called him asking, he decides instead of calling me, he calls my dad and tells him everything. my dad was upset and hurt that i didn't tell him. but the next day i was off from work so i surprised him at the park he walks at and we spent some time walking and talking and now he feels better.
however, i had a screaming fest with my brother for about an hour and a half that night. he was just hurt that he found out from the grapevine. i get it.. but thats not how adults handle things.0 -
I was outed by my ex-girlfriend, she told her new boyfriend that I was bisexual, but left out the part about us dating of course. We were all on the same sports team in college and pretty soon I was getting weird stares in the locker room, or asked by guys to come 'hang-out' . Because being bisexual just means you are a nympho with no morals, one of the girls on the team confronted me yelling how could I go into a profession like teaching.0
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