How do you open up to your SO..
Apryl546
Posts: 909 Member
About your abuse so they understand the way you act?
I recently got in a new relationship, and he knows very little of what I go through physically, mentally, and emotionally about my past.
So how would you open up to someone new in your life about what you've been through?
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I know he'll read this eventually since he's joined this site before we started dating. I
you!
I recently got in a new relationship, and he knows very little of what I go through physically, mentally, and emotionally about my past.
So how would you open up to someone new in your life about what you've been through?
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I know he'll read this eventually since he's joined this site before we started dating. I
you! 0
Replies
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I did it in a very straight-forward way mainly focusing on my fears in the relationship, and I didn't tell him any details, I don't think he wanted to hear them. I'm a very forward, blunt person, though, so this method might not work for everybody.0
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I do think the above comment about being blunt is the way to go. Don't apologize for anything, just tell it like it is. He needs to be a very emotionally intuitive fellow to be able to help you with this....if he's uninterested in helping you get better, it will be hard to make him understand. I recommend a book called Ghosts in the Bedroom by Ken Graber. It's for partners of folks like us.0
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I think you have to just find a quiet time and tell him there are some things you need him to know about you. You don't need to put in many details at first, just that you have had these experiences, and they do cause you issues. I'm assuming you already feel safe with this guy, and trust that he will listen and try to understand. Keep it simple at first, then let him ask what he wants to know.0
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I was in total denial until 2 years ago about how deeply affected I was by the molest and abuse. My cousin, who was also a victim, had asked me earlier that year how I delt with it so well. I didn't know how to answer, I never thought it was a problem. I then told my husband about that conversation, which lead to telling him about the abuse. He was stunned that I didn't think it was a big deal. I was stunned that he never went through any of that. Open, un-appoligetic honesty worked the best. I told him about how it made me feel, and I told him he was free to ask questions. He did, and I was honest with my answers. I would probably be dead right now if it weren't for my amazingly supportive husband. Telling him was the easy part. Telling my parents about tore my family apart.0
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I agree that being open about it is best. In my own experience I've found that the more open I am with things that I'm dealing with the more support I receive. I also firmly believe that if he can't or won't handle it appropriately, he's not the right guy and it's better to know that sooner rather than later. That said, I do understand how scary it can be to open up about CSA. Good luck and know that whatever happens we are here for you.0
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He took it very nicely, and said he would be there for me and such.
So far he's the best boyfriend I've had to date.
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I'm glad it went well. Good for you for opening up to him about it despite fear.0
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I met my partner online so I had the fortune of being able to type it to him which was WAY easier, I have never in the 6 months of being with him so far spoken about it to his face, only over text or messenger. He only knows bits, to be honest I was worried I would scare him off and it causes problems in our relationship I'm still trying to understand why he even stays with me rather than find someone without the problems from severe abuse.0
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I met my partner online so I had the fortune of being able to type it to him which was WAY easier, I have never in the 6 months of being with him so far spoken about it to his face, only over text or messenger. He only knows bits, to be honest I was worried I would scare him off and it causes problems in our relationship I'm still trying to understand why he even stays with me rather than find someone without the problems from severe abuse.
Well, if he's not spooked yet, he may very well be a keeper! Just keep being open and honest with him, and see where it goes. You probably do need to talk to him about it face to face eventually, but do it at your own pace. Sometimes reading something typed does not have the same impact as hearing from the person directly, face to face. But don't rush it; take your time and only do that when you're ready.
The good thing is that he doesn't seem to view you in a negative light because of it. Some people view sexual abuse victims as "damaged goods" (which is SO NOT TRUE), and it seems he is not one of those ignorant people. That's a positive in his favor. Just take the relationship a day at a time and see what happens.
Good luck and welcome to our group!0 -
It's definitely easier to address tough subjects in written form rather than face to face. Doing so with my fiance has helped me gather courage for the face to face conversations.0
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My husband has turned out to be very supportive - and honestly I think he's really relieved my intimacy issues can finally be explained! I struggled with telling him even after we were together for about 5 years - I had what I now realise was an irrational fear he'd leave me because he'd finally realise what a horrible person I was. So I can TOTALLY understand how hard it is, especially in a newish relationship! But honestly, openness is best in the end. If they aren't supportive, you're MUCH better off without them, and if they don't know what you've been through, they can't be properly supportive (i.e. live up to their supportive potential).
But wow, it was so hard...even telling my family WITH his support later was horribly difficult....it's splitting my family up, not that any of them will admit it. CSA is on both sides of my family - so much for my 20+ years of believing I was the only one - and it's just ripped it apart. I suspect I'll be grieving forever. Many people don't realise what's at stake when you come out with childhood sexual abuse revelations. It's huge and it's incredibly difficult.
I could only even get the words out by referring first to my cousin's recent revelation about her abuse by our STINKING uncle, and then saying "someone did something similar to me"....and "you did xxxx fun activity with him on xxxx family get-together"....before I could even get out the name of the person. Then I totally fell to bits and cried all night.
Don't EVER underestimate your courage in even THINKING about telling people!!!!!!!!!!!!! You rock OK!!!0 -
My boyfriend doesn't like when I bring up the dark part of my past, even though he was there for some of it.0
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My fiance doesn't like it either. He hates that DD and I were hurt so badly. He has grown accepting of our need to talk about it sometimes as part of the healing process. I am very grateful for his attitude about it. He really has helped me to learn to let go of the past and to embrace the joy and freedom we have now.0
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I shared a part of my life tonight with my husband- something I've never told ANYone, EVER.
I prefaced it with telling him that I was afraid to share it- not because of shame, but rather because if he didn't respond/react
the way I wanted him to- that I may lose a part of my love for him.
Sounded rather harsh, but it's how I feel.
If I shared this darkest secret, and he was apathetic about it, THAT would devastate me- even though I knew that
it was STILL possible that he *might*
He just listened. I think he's still processing it himself. He wasn't expecting what I told him.
So, I've opened up that proverbial can of worms.
Let the healing begin.0 -
It takes a lot of courage to face our pasts but doing so is the only way to truly heal. Good for you for facing the journey.0
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