Blending families - my intro to living with a loved one on the autism spectrum.

About 3 years ago my life became unbearable. See my profile for more details. I changed my life and it transformed into one more joyous than it ever was, even before the rough times.

Then I shed over 100 lbs, got certified in a cutting edge system of neural reeducation that had healed my body and my life. It occurred to me that I had almost everything I wanted in life: health, family, friends, a career that I loved and time to enjoy them all, that is I had everything I wanted but one thing... a special someone to share the fascinating and joyful world that I had built.

Enter GF, whom I met on the internet while pursuing my optimal health and career. She came to my country, I went to hers, we met each other's daughters. I met her ex-husband, father of her 16 yo daughter. She met my donor, the other half of my kids DNA. We shared music, stories, authors, hobbies and our spiritual journeys. Mine was shaped by a violent and chaotic childhood followed by a devastating trauma to my lungs. Hers by raising a child on the autism spectrum.

After 16 months, the day came when love was stronger than apprehension and we decided to move into one home in one country together. This is a process that the Canadian government could stretch out for 2-10 years. Her daughter's autism meant that they were less mobile than we were. It was not an easy or simple choice for me as a single mom and a new solopreneur to risk so much. I could imagine endless nightmare scenarios of how everything could go wrong. I gathered the advisors I trust most and made plans to make the transition as smooth and set up for success as possible and trusted my intuition - the same still, small voice that led me to snatching my health back from the gates of death and the same voice that helped me navigate a decade of infertility to hold my child in my arms. I trusted and I moved my little world into their lives to make a new larger blended family.

In only one month my GF's 16 yo daughter who is on the autism spectrum and doesn't do well with change, has had to cope with the following: her school location was suddenly changed over the Christmas holiday with no warning, her mom has to sell the home she's grown up in, her mom is adding a partner (me), a new child (my 6yo daughter) and a new cat to their family of her mom, herself, their 2 min pins (dogs) and their cat, that she'd be moving to a new home with all of the above, that all the foods in the home would change (no more processed junk, just whole foods, no grain, no gluten, no legumes, no sugar), that her mom was in love for the first time in her memory and that she was no longer her mother's entire world.

No matter what challenges I face today navigating the bureaucracy of living/working in 2 different countries, sourcing food in a new place and building this new life, I will not be having as challenging a time as my new daughter. I am so grateful that her heart has been open to this daunting process of blending two families and that I get a little peek into her world once in a while. I have so much to learn and wish I could go back in a time machine and watch her grow up so that I would know her better.

My daughter, age 6, is profoundly gifted and has been reading since she was 20 months old, chapter books since she was 3 1/2 and is learning Mandarin. This is her favorite subject and her most challenging one. She speaks Mandarin fluently (at a preschooler level) and hopes to be on her age level within a year. Her fine motor skills are the only thing typical of a 6 yo. In all other pursuits she's 4th-6th grade which some experts say make her socially challenged to relate to kids anywhere near her own age. She loves animals, the outdoors, any athletic pursuit and reading. She has always been the center of attention in any room and is thrilled at the possibilities on this grand adventure. She is training for triathlon.

GF's daughter, age 16 this month, is having trouble reading, operates emotionally/socially around age 9 on a calm day and around age 2-3 when she eats simple carbs or when her hormones swing. She is quite active in drama, choir, hiking, skiing, loves fashion design and anything that allows her to express herself in art. She is shy, doesn't feel comfortable around strangers and has some behavior issues. This week she lost her temper with my 6 yo and slammed finger of 6yo in a door on accident. (Relieved that it wasn't broken!) Teaching her to identify anger or overwhelm, dealing with emotions in a gentle way when they are small and both identifying her own needs and asking for help meeting them or meeting them independently is more challenging with the onset of adolescence and the hormonal swings that are exacerbated by having grown up eating foods that don't work for her.

The 6yo has been a trooper and responds with forgiveness, patience, unconditional love and holds no grudges although I may need to spend more time on teaching her evasive maneuvers for preventing accidents since her new big sister isn't yet used to 6yo's speed and agility. This should come along with some practice as the 16 yo doesn't harm the very small animals that live with her and is quite protective of them. She felt awful about the smashed finger and will learn with practice to either not slam doors or to look for tiny fingers first. I'm thinking that boxing or kettlebell lifting or maybe Aikido would help 16yo with her proprioception and anger management. I've got the nutrition plan being implemented so the part connected to poor diet will be set right within 60-90 days.

Would love to hear from moms of kids with autism, teens on the spectrum, adults who recall their teen years and other family members about anything I haven't thought of that might be helpful to decreasing the 'perception of threat', e.g. things that create unnecessary stress for the 16yo. Right now we're all on a huge learning curve and gathering data, especially as it pertains to understanding the needs of the 16yo around all of these changes.