Question for Gay Men: Weight Loss/Fitness & Role Reversal?
adamb83
Posts: 719 Member
This question might be appropriate for all, as it relates to masculine/feminine (dominant/submissive, active/receptive, or what have you) roles in relationships. I am not familiar enough with lesbian relationships to know for certain whether or not this applies - but if it does, please feel free to interact on this one!
My question is - in (most) gay relationships, there are typically masculine/feminine roles. I for one don't like labels in general, but this is a pretty common thing, I think, so I hope it doesn't offend anyone to generalize.
Anyway, I was wondering if it is common for people who lose weight/get fit to also begin preferring a different role in relationships, whether they be pre-established relationships or new ones. Do typically "masculine/active" types often find themselves now seeking out the "feminine/receptive" role? Or, conversely, do men who would typically prefer the "femine" role start finding themselves becoming more of the "masculine" partner?
I've personally noticed some changes - maybe it's a natural occurance, even aside from the physical/emotional changes associated with weight loss/fitness - but I'm wondering if it could be related to this journey?
Thoughts Please?
My question is - in (most) gay relationships, there are typically masculine/feminine roles. I for one don't like labels in general, but this is a pretty common thing, I think, so I hope it doesn't offend anyone to generalize.
Anyway, I was wondering if it is common for people who lose weight/get fit to also begin preferring a different role in relationships, whether they be pre-established relationships or new ones. Do typically "masculine/active" types often find themselves now seeking out the "feminine/receptive" role? Or, conversely, do men who would typically prefer the "femine" role start finding themselves becoming more of the "masculine" partner?
I've personally noticed some changes - maybe it's a natural occurance, even aside from the physical/emotional changes associated with weight loss/fitness - but I'm wondering if it could be related to this journey?
Thoughts Please?
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I won't say that I'm offended, but I will say the generalization that you make doesn't really apply to my relationship. And because we're a little anti-social, I don't have a huge basis for comparison, but it also doesn't apply to the gay couples I know. Perhaps it's regional? My husband and I both fit traditionally masculine and feminine roles, though both pretty comfortable in claiming to be fairly masculine.
That aside, no, this hasn't been my experience. I have noticed a difference in how much alone time in the bedroom I want based on my activity level and weight lifting, but that's about it. The specifics of those activities hasn't really changed apart from being more frequent.0 -
I once had someone tell me that if guys were fat when they were younger - they are usually bottoms because of insecurity. Idk how true that is - but I have talked to a few guys that if they were chubby kids and teens - they do prefer being bottoms.
As for my preferences. I am a masculine guy that likes masculine guys. I don't have a problem with feminine guys - but definitely not attracted to them.0 -
And of course - there are masculine bottoms and feminine tops.
I suppose my question is more about actual sexual roles than it is about general feminine/masculine personality type.0 -
Nothing's changed but the body fat to muscle ratio in our relationship.
For both of us the numbers are moving in a very healthy direction.
Most of the people I know do not fit well into either of the feminine/masculine personality types you suggest. It's hard for me to see how body fat or de/conditioning would have an impact on gender roles, but who knows. People are weird.0 -
Nothing's changed but the body fat to muscle ratio in our relationship.
For both of us the numbers are moving in a very healthy direction.
Most of the people I know do not fit well into either of the feminine/masculine personality types you suggest. It's hard for me to see how body fat or de/conditioning would have an impact on gender roles, but who knows. People are weird.
I would assume it would be some kind of psychological shift associated with body image and/or testosterone levels (if not just testosterone levels in general - I do hear that being very fat lowers testosterone, which could have varying implications?)0 -
i dont think weight has anything to do with it, I was never overweight when i was younger, and i always preferred being on the bottom. I think with me, i am so much in control of the rest of my life that when i comes to sex I dont wanna be in control for once.0
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i dont think weight has anything to do with it, I was never overweight when i was younger, and i always preferred being on the bottom. I think with me, i am so much in control of the rest of my life that when i comes to sex I dont wanna be in control for once.
I was thinking something similar about that relationship with control. I'm wondering if, now that I am getting fit and feeling more comfortable with myself, I no longer feel like I need (or want) to be in control of the more intimate situations?
I was also wondering if it could perhaps be something silly, even - like now that I'm physically smaller, I feel like I should be in the other position?
It could also just be that both partners are naturally versatile with leanings further one way or the other. Perhaps getting comfortable with one's self allows you to assume another role that previously held unwelcome connotations? This would be an entirely personal thing, obviouly...
I'm rambling now.. lol0 -
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I don't know that being penetrated has anything to do with giving up control by necessity. I think it probably means that person likes being penetrated and they *might* also like giving up some control. I've known plenty of bottoms who are in complete control of what goes on between the sheets. It's probably easier to be a bit more passive if you're on bottom, but it's definitely not a requirement of that physical role.
I guess what I'm saying is that there's distinction between where we put our parts (or toys for that matter) and being dominant/submissive.0 -
I am a fan of versatility - best of both worlds. lol.0
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Anyway, I was wondering if it is common for people who lose weight/get fit to also begin preferring a different role in relationships, whether they be pre-established relationships or new ones. Do typically "masculine/active" types often find themselves now seeking out the "feminine/receptive" role? Or, conversely, do men who would typically prefer the "femine" role start finding themselves becoming more of the "masculine" partner?I suppose my question is more about actual sexual roles than it is about general feminine/masculine personality type.
I think the idea of active/passive = masculine/feminine is a gross over-simplification, but I'm glad you clarified what you meant.
I've struggled with weight issues for most of my adult life and I've never been a particularly passive partner, however, during the last 10 years or so when I got really BIG, I did find that my belly got in the way sometimes and I was less inclined to being overtly adventurous, more to avoid injuring myself or my partner but also because I didn't have the energy. It was easier (or maybe lazier) to be the beloved rather than be the lover
50lbs lighter, I've certainly got more energy and I'm not getting any complaints :happy: but I don't see it as role-reversal.:noway:0 -
Appreciating all the feedback, everyone - thanks! Trying to figure it all out. Maybe I'm just an anomaly. Lol0
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Appreciating all the feedback, everyone - thanks! Trying to figure it all out. Maybe I'm just an anomaly. Lol
Without going into too much detail, my tastes vary by the season. Spring is coming up and that usually means a shift in what I like. Maybe that's affected by increased activity due to longer days? Who knows. I've noticed changes in that dept when my sleep scheduled gets interrupted too.
So, i can see how losing weight might trigger a shift. Ultimately, I don't think it matter unless your SO has a problem with it. And if that's the case it may be time for a candid chat.0 -
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could confidence be playing a role in this too? if over time you're (we're, they're) starting to feel a lot better about our bodies, to the point of wanting to show them off and share them and celebrate them more, maybe it's opening up some doors of curiosity that had previously been closed? i'm definitely more of a switch depending on my partner, but currently being with a very strong top, i'm finding myself thinking about what taking more control would be like, now that i'm stronger and more fit. confidence and power preferences is kind of what i'm getting at i guess.0
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could confidence be playing a role in this too? if over time you're (we're, they're) starting to feel a lot better about our bodies, to the point of wanting to show them off and share them and celebrate them more, maybe it's opening up some doors of curiosity that had previously been closed? i'm definitely more of a switch depending on my partner, but currently being with a very strong top, i'm finding myself thinking about what taking more control would be like, now that i'm stronger and more fit. confidence and power preferences is kind of what i'm getting at i guess.
Thanks - that's definitely something I've been thinking about, too. But in reverse? It might seem counterintuitive, but what about a typical top/dominate partner starting to enjoy the role of bottom/submissive after becoming fit, more confident, etc.0 -
could confidence be playing a role in this too? if over time you're (we're, they're) starting to feel a lot better about our bodies, to the point of wanting to show them off and share them and celebrate them more, maybe it's opening up some doors of curiosity that had previously been closed? i'm definitely more of a switch depending on my partner, but currently being with a very strong top, i'm finding myself thinking about what taking more control would be like, now that i'm stronger and more fit. confidence and power preferences is kind of what i'm getting at i guess.
Thanks - that's definitely something I've been thinking about, too. But in reverse? It might seem counterintuitive, but what about a typical top/dominate partner starting to enjoy the role of bottom/submissive after becoming fit, more confident, etc.
Sounds like you may be becoming more secure and letting go a little. But I also think as guys age they settle more and more into what they want. I mean - lets face it... hate it or not - there is a stigma about being a bottom! Stereo-typically, if you were a bottom, people branded you as a fem or lazy. Maybe with older age - you just stop caring what other people think0 -
could confidence be playing a role in this too? if over time you're (we're, they're) starting to feel a lot better about our bodies, to the point of wanting to show them off and share them and celebrate them more, maybe it's opening up some doors of curiosity that had previously been closed? i'm definitely more of a switch depending on my partner, but currently being with a very strong top, i'm finding myself thinking about what taking more control would be like, now that i'm stronger and more fit. confidence and power preferences is kind of what i'm getting at i guess.
Thanks - that's definitely something I've been thinking about, too. But in reverse? It might seem counterintuitive, but what about a typical top/dominate partner starting to enjoy the role of bottom/submissive after becoming fit, more confident, etc.
Sounds like you may be becoming more secure and letting go a little. But I also think as guys age they settle more and more into what they want. I mean - lets face it... hate it or not - there is a stigma about being a bottom! Stereo-typically, if you were a bottom, people branded you as a fem or lazy. Maybe with older age - you just stop caring what other people think
That does make a lot of sense. Personally, I'm what most would call "straight acting" - one of those "people don't know it until you tell them" kind of guys. In most aspects of life, I have always been the person in control - I like to handle relationship decisions, money decisions, etc. So I guess it just naturally applied to the bedroom as well - but now my preference there seems to be shifting somewhat, or simply broadening. I think there might be a connection with how I feel physically - the new confidence in regrards to physical appearance makes me okay with taking on a new role intimately?
Appreciate all the thoughts - just trying to wrap my head around this.
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could confidence be playing a role in this too? if over time you're (we're, they're) starting to feel a lot better about our bodies, to the point of wanting to show them off and share them and celebrate them more, maybe it's opening up some doors of curiosity that had previously been closed? i'm definitely more of a switch depending on my partner, but currently being with a very strong top, i'm finding myself thinking about what taking more control would be like, now that i'm stronger and more fit. confidence and power preferences is kind of what i'm getting at i guess.
Thanks - that's definitely something I've been thinking about, too. But in reverse? It might seem counterintuitive, but what about a typical top/dominate partner starting to enjoy the role of bottom/submissive after becoming fit, more confident, etc.
Sounds like you may be becoming more secure and letting go a little. But I also think as guys age they settle more and more into what they want. I mean - lets face it... hate it or not - there is a stigma about being a bottom! Stereo-typically, if you were a bottom, people branded you as a fem or lazy. Maybe with older age - you just stop caring what other people think
That does make a lot of sense. Personally, I'm what most would call "straight acting" - one of those "people don't know it until you tell them" kind of guys. In most aspects of life, I have always been the person in control - I like to handle relationship decisions, money decisions, etc. So I guess it just naturally applied to the bedroom as well - but now my preference there seems to be shifting somewhat, or simply broadening. I think there might be a connection with how I feel physically - the new confidence in regrards to physical appearance makes me okay with taking on a new role intimately?
Appreciate all the thoughts - just trying to wrap my head around this.
I am also the type that most assume straight until proven gay. But I like a feel of equality - so vers along with attraction to guys my size.0 -
I am a fan of versatility - best of both worlds. lol.
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It sounds like the answer to your question is found within all of the great responses above. In my opinion it's about feeling more confident about yourself and letting go of insecurities. When we feel better about ourselves we're more willing to try things we'd never have done before (ie. wearing tanktops, taking shirt off at the beach, etc). It may sound silly but when we begin to feel happy with our bodies we begin to feel more desirable.
I'm glad to hear that you are feeling good about yourself and opening up to new experiences. I think that's a great step for anyone and a sign that you're doing a great job.
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I am now more flexible than ever so I do it all lol. I used to do one just because I was insecure. I def think it changes!0
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I am now more flexible than ever so I do it all lol. I used to do one just because I was insecure. I def think it changes!
Good to know! haha0 -
Interesting topic. In my experience a ‘dominant’ isn’t necessarily a ‘top’ and vice versa. And also someone who seems to be the social dominate in a couple isn’t necessarily in other areas. People and couple interactions are more complicated and dynamic over time these things can evolve. My advice learn to be versatile and be able to take advantage of whatever situation you find yourself in and you’ll have a lot more interesting opportunities that way.0
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This is a very interesting topic in that I am just starting down my path of being a better me... again. I think confidence could alter that part of the relationship just as much as not having confidence is now. It will be interesting to see how it plays out.0
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I miss talking about queer theory! For what its worth...my thoughts:
I agree that comfort with ones own self probably leads to more permission-giving with respect to new sexual roles. I wonder if the move towards bottoming is a reflection of a move towards versatility. Sexuality is very dynamic, and preferences change. The other factor at play may be that a new body type means considering membership in a different sub culture than before (bear to otter to twink to gym bunny, etc)
I'm always very cautious about mixing sexual practice and relationships with heteronormative ideals of gender. My relationship is very much an equal partnership, but I think I have more in common with lesbians than gay men...lol. Plus, when you have kids outside of the major gay centres, you live in the fishbowl, so "straight acting" is a meaningless construct.
For what it's worth, sex hormones and weight loss is a very complicated , but probably nothing is significant in magnitude to affect the brain/emotional centre.0 -
I miss talking about queer theory! For what its worth...my thoughts:
I agree that comfort with ones own self probably leads to more permission-giving with respect to new sexual roles. I wonder if the move towards bottoming is a reflection of a move towards versatility. Sexuality is very dynamic, and preferences change. The other factor at play may be that a new body type means considering membership in a different sub culture than before (bear to otter to twink to gym bunny, etc)
I'm always very cautious about mixing sexual practice and relationships with heteronormative ideals of gender. My relationship is very much an equal partnership, but I think I have more in common with lesbians than gay men...lol. Plus, when you have kids outside of the major gay centres, you live in the fishbowl, so "straight acting" is a meaningless construct.
For what it's worth, sex hormones and weight loss is a very complicated , but probably nothing is significant in magnitude to affect the brain/emotional centre.
Interesting - thanks!0
This discussion has been closed.