Hmm. Mili - your approach to recovery has been amazing and inspiring. You are right to be incredibly proud of having so much bravery and commitment to getting better.

BUT - I believe that eating disorders are far too personal and complicated to be able to prescribe a 'one size fits all' recovery method. OK, you have the mental strength to be able to cope with suddenly upping your calories and gaining weight. There are a lot of people, myself included, who could NOT cope with that. I tried it and became instantly and severely bulimic. I needed the therapists and councellors to help me to get my head around it all - no I could NOT simply decide to do it by myself. i was far, far too screwed up to be able to make a rational decision like you did, and stick to it. And while I was going through all that, it helped me a lot to come on forums like these where yes, I knew I could get some sympathy. I was incredibly lonely and it helped me to know that I was not the only one going through such a dark phase in my life.

You are so strong and doing so well Mili - but try to remember that not everyone is as strong, some people take longer to recover and with more bumps in the road.

What I did was... I just hit a all time low point.. A very, very, very, low point. And I was ready after 23 years of the habit. From the time I was 21 years old, until 44 years old.

This is how it happened for me:

I was recovering from my bad horse accident. Aug 2009. Its kinda hard to throw up with all your right posterior ribs & collarbone broken, Oh and a punchtured lung too. For a month when I got out of the hospital I noticed I didn't throw up, for 30 days. Woah. I never did that before. I was in a chair, because it was too painful to lay down to sleep. They had me on pain meds. Soooo, it took a long time. As I layed there, I just wished oneday I could lift my arms up, and bellydance again. I wished I could be the lady on the "Swifter" commercial. Dancing around with that mop with ease, and smiling. I wished I could Ice Skate with ease again. From there on out, I had this very very very strong desire to heal myself, and feel good again. I never told anyone, no doctors, no therapists. I was bulemic for 23 years. But I was diagnosed with severve depression. And was helped professionaly for that. I learned I do better, Waaay better without those depression pills. I was one that it made my depression worse. I couldn't take them.

As I got stronger Sept 2009 I started throwing up again. And October 2009 I returned to my stressful job, with broken bones. The office was a wreck. What did they do when I was gone.. Awwwwwh I went for another year throwing up, with those bones they way they were. I had such pain. I felt like _hit everyday.

It wasn't until December of 2010 that I really was soo depressed, and just tired of being tired. Tired of never feeling well. I felt like the Walking Dead. Sooo. I prayed. I prayed to God and My Dad in Heaven. I said,"Please God, Please Dad, please give me the strenght. Please help me love myself. Please wipe away my feelings of being a "Bad Person" (Childhood Crime committed against me) And I got up from the floor. And I said I'm going to do it. I'm going to trust that I was given the strenght. I'm going to trust Nutrisystems. I did fina;;y tell my doctor. This is what I've been suffering with for this long, and this is how I'm going to change.
And I started Nutrisystems. I trusted that everything they said was ok to eat, really was okay to eat. We all need to eat without guilt. I logged everything. My friends there supported me. I made it thru a whole 11 months.. I did have two setbacks. once on Nov 26th and once on Dec 20th. Not any since then. I feel I'm in remission. I feel like I have finally given myself "Permission to Eat" I lost about 35 lbs last year. But I did find out, I should actually be eating more now. That I did go into a bit of starvation mode, being on NS. Now I eat about 500 more calories a day, than I did last year.

I feel stronger. I feel happier.. And somehow I want to tell everybody, and help whoever I can. Support openly, people who want to be on this better life journey with me. Something I couldn't do openly on Nutrisystems. Some members supported me while knowing. But I kept it a secret, and did not announce it on the blogs. They have a legal reason for discontinuing peoples memberships, if you have a ED. They do not promote NS for that reason. Guess what NS... You helped me anyway, even thou you don't support people like me. Too bad. You could be helping other people. Thats really too bad. Thats what helped me. I just gave myself permission to eat what they said. And with that permission, I did feel I had to throw up. I kept everything. And I learned to eat again. From that I reconnected with fruits & veggies. With portion sizes. With logging, drinking water, exercising, and with something I never thought I could have. Many friends online. Many nice friends. I always thought of myself as loner. With a few good friends.. Now I know, I am likeable. And I like myself too. I give myself credit.

I'm just glad you guys are here. Because know I can talk about it. Now I have found others on the same mission. And I know its not "Mission Impossible" if lifes "Incredible Journey To Feeling Better" :flowerforyou:

 Coming on here and saying how you feel bad that you did xyz is so pointless and I find it endlessly frustrating and irritating because I don't know what you think you will get from it. Sympathy? So what? All that does is reinforce that what you're doing is ok and someone else should help you. That is wrong. If you do xyz you should get off your computer and go and do whatever needs to be done, whether it be eat, apologise to someone, call a doctor... You're not going to find any answers here and I know from my own experience that a lot of people are here to get reassurance that what they did is not their own responsibility. 

You may have a point, but for some people this is a place where they can vent. There is a difference between emotional help and actual help. Yes, if you want change, you have do actually do something. But to talk to people here when they have nobody else they can talk to (because you have to realise that not everyone have the courage to talk to a doctor. that's just how it is)... I don't see what's wrong with that. It can be harmful if you just sit in front of your computer and complain, but it's better than struggling on your own when you're too afraid to tell anyone you know.

Well said my friend!! It is a willingness. Somedays I amm more willing than others, but that is my own ****. I guess I see you have your head on straight. Not that it is easy for you but you are doing so very well. Willingness for me is I dont want to deal with **** and so they tell me I wont get over this..guess I have to trust them and take that leap. Hard to do when you cant trust to many people. But you are a great inspiration and you are going to go far. But one thing you must realize to that you didnt have to seem to deal with is depression. That compounds things and makes them worse. Why would someone care about there ed when they can barely get out of bed. So yes I see your point and it is a very good one, but there are many factors that play into a persons ed.
And Annabelle I used to rationale my ED behaviors as you said one is better than the other, but truth be told you are just fooling yourself. You can damage your body with what ever behaviors you do. You just choose to see restricting as better behavior than B &P is. We all do it. Been there done that I can rationalize just about anything so I know where you are coming from.

Milli I am so very proud of you. Dont focus on others..focus on yourself because I dont want darth getting any ideas since you are doing so well. It is to easy to fall back into that as you know. Keep up the good work..you are an inspiration!! Love ya XOXO

I cannot find who said that about the depression, but I have never met somebody with and eating disorder that wasn't depressed, anxious, or suffering from some other terrible emotions.

Too true. Why else would anyone put themselves through such torture.

The only comment I have to add is that on the days that I really struggle and reach out for support, I'm not looking for sympathy or to be told I'm not responsible for my actions. I'm practicing asking for help because I have a really hard time doing so even when I desperately need it and I'm also hoping to hear that others have or have had similar experiences so I feel less alone. Both of those results are important parts of my recovery process. I will say, though, that I have had friends on here that I felt moaned and groaned simply for the attention and I decided for my own sanity to delete them from my list because I just kept getting triggered by their super-low calorie days and their 1500 calorie exercise binges.

Honestly - ED are like thought cancer...