Dear Cathy -
aehartley
Posts: 269 Member
Dear Cathy,
Yesterday we had therapy, I know that you say that you hear me. Do you really ? Did you really listen to me ?
When we talked today. I don't think that I have ever been as open and as honest with you about what is going on, to only have you turn around and tell me I was deflecting and that it was easier for me to talk about the eating disorder than what I was thinking about. WELL... I was thinking about the eating disoder. That is all I have been thinking about. I feel like I am falling apart with all of this. I told you that. I wasn't hiding - I was really trying to talk about what I was eating. How I feel like I am eating so healthy and it is all a rouse, because everyone thinks I am doing great. I am not sure that I really am. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know that you think that this is all fine, that I am still in the "healthy" range. I can tell you my head is over the "healthy" range. I want you to see what I feel like.
I want to feel valide, I want to feel strong, I want to feel accomplished. I want to feel skinny. I want to feel better. I just feel nothing. I don't know how to express these feelings. I felt while I was talking yesterday that you didn't understand. When I stoped talking and looked at you, I knew you didn't get it. I felt lost. Lost like I have never felt before. I don't know why I can't make you get it. I don't know what you expect me to keep looking for.
I know what has happened in my past. Yes, sometimes I look back and I feel like a deer in the headlights. I don't know how to grieve the loss of the childhood, or the loss of the godparents that really hurt me. I just want to fix it. I do want it fixed and I feel like I really try to work on the eating and I feel like I try to work on dealing with my past and forgiving myself... I don't know what to do about any of this. Why is it so confusing ?
I don't know what to do. I know you won't ever see this. I had to write it someplace. Even if it doesn't make any sence....
Lost, little more than before- A
Yesterday we had therapy, I know that you say that you hear me. Do you really ? Did you really listen to me ?
When we talked today. I don't think that I have ever been as open and as honest with you about what is going on, to only have you turn around and tell me I was deflecting and that it was easier for me to talk about the eating disorder than what I was thinking about. WELL... I was thinking about the eating disoder. That is all I have been thinking about. I feel like I am falling apart with all of this. I told you that. I wasn't hiding - I was really trying to talk about what I was eating. How I feel like I am eating so healthy and it is all a rouse, because everyone thinks I am doing great. I am not sure that I really am. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know that you think that this is all fine, that I am still in the "healthy" range. I can tell you my head is over the "healthy" range. I want you to see what I feel like.
I want to feel valide, I want to feel strong, I want to feel accomplished. I want to feel skinny. I want to feel better. I just feel nothing. I don't know how to express these feelings. I felt while I was talking yesterday that you didn't understand. When I stoped talking and looked at you, I knew you didn't get it. I felt lost. Lost like I have never felt before. I don't know why I can't make you get it. I don't know what you expect me to keep looking for.
I know what has happened in my past. Yes, sometimes I look back and I feel like a deer in the headlights. I don't know how to grieve the loss of the childhood, or the loss of the godparents that really hurt me. I just want to fix it. I do want it fixed and I feel like I really try to work on the eating and I feel like I try to work on dealing with my past and forgiving myself... I don't know what to do about any of this. Why is it so confusing ?
I don't know what to do. I know you won't ever see this. I had to write it someplace. Even if it doesn't make any sence....
Lost, little more than before- A
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Replies
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You're really brave to have written this. My therapist constantly tells me that this is a LONG road and it's going to be hard...and sometimes painful. Keep your head up, keep plowing forward. You ARE valid, but don't think about "feeling skinny" anymore. How about feeling healthy, or physically strong, or realizing how much more energy you have. Be proud of what your body does for you every minute of every day.
Therapists can lead you in the right direction, but you have to "buy in" to the treatment. That's where I have the hardest time. Your therapist may be right, it is easier to talk about it than actually generalize the information to your life.
Keep your head up, keep plowing forward. Talk to your therapist about this and be really honest with her about your feelings. Also, don't forget, there is a big sea of therapists out there...0 -
Thank you - A couple of days out from Cathy, I relize I might have been a little manic at my session. Now I understand a little better some of the stuff that she was saying. I am hypercritical of myself. I want to succeed so bad at being "well" I also want to be skinny - and there is just still that rift in my head.
I can tell you... Right now physically everything is under control. I have been IP and I gained the weight ( that they wanted me to gain) when I got out I didn't want to "loose" weight but I did... I want to make myself look better so it has become eating the right thing to get that super fit look. Does that make since. I won't say I no longer want to look boney, but I still was thrilled when I could see certin things ( I don't want to trigger anyone reading this) I have worked hard at putting muscle on to look the fit part. and I don't feel "skinny" anymore simply because my weight won't go down. I want to burn body fat and I don't know how to do all of this without relapising or without doing it all wrong.
I also know that thier are poeple in my life that don't know about the Eating Disorder and they see me loosing weight and working out and packing my food and all they do is talk about it. In a positive way, " I wish I could do it, I wish that I had that kind of drive ect." It is almost fuel to the fire. Then when I am around any of them I never want to give in to temptaion and have them view me as a failure.
I do buy into therapy... maybe it was just going to take me a while to come around to understanding what she was saying to me. I just have to keep moving... keep packing lunches and moving forward.0
