Don't know what the **** I'm doing.
Z_I_L_L_A
Posts: 2,399 Member
Opinions please - Its hard for me to let someone into my life right now. I don't want to be pressured either. I feel a little bit lonely and kinda want to go out on a date. But I don't want anything but the company of a lady to talk to, eat dinner and maybe a movie. Is that too much to ask? I don't want a relationship right now just a date with no strings attached, just quality adult time. Seems like if I mention this to women that I know the flood gate opens and they start texting or calling and it gets on my nerves. Oh, Tims ready to date now and here they come and it drives me back into my shell and not wanting to date. Maybe I need to go meet somebody I don't know. Just a date and nothing else thats all. After being with the kids 24 hours a day and no me time with another adult for 4 years its time for me.
Signed, Mr Groundhog don't scare me out of the game please, lol.
Signed, Mr Groundhog don't scare me out of the game please, lol.
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Help!0
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Problem is, you seem like a great guy. And great guys don’t come along very often. Even if you tell women that you aren’t looking for a relationship, just want to enjoy female company many will do their best to change your mind. Or they’ll get mad at you, assuming you’re just looking for a one night stand.
I am the same way right now… I don’t want a “relationship†per se, but I enjoy time with my guy friends and hope that eventually, when I’m ready, one of them will be revealed as my long-term-partner. Unfortunately, when I try to tell guys I’m not trying to rush into any “relationship†right now, they all seem to think that translates to “easy sex.â€
So here’s one girl’s perspective… I would not take out any of your current female friends. They’ve probably been drooling over you for awhile, and might be crushed when you don’t want more. Yet, when you’re ready to settle down, these might be the very women from which you’ll choose your next wife. So I would look to meet new people.0 -
Not looking for sex or the one night stand thing. Just someone to cut with and laugh, be stupid like a kid. Not looking for anything serious right now. Just a regular date with no expectations. If something becomes of it and we want to date more thats fine too. If I get blind sided and fall in love great, oh well. What I'm saying is I'm not going into the date looking for a relationship, or sex. Just a adult female to hang out with. Oh never mind.....going back into hiding again. Ha ha ha.0
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I'm not going into the date looking for a relationship, or sex. Just a adult female to hang out with.
I totally understand what you mean!!!
I have guy friend I used to hang out with a LOT but there was no "relationship" (no *intimacy* or anything- just hanging out). He was (is) an amazing man, quite the southern gentleman, generous, goofy yet serious when the need arose. Hard worker, stout solid body (yum). I truly enjoyed just being around him, in his presence. I didn't always agree with his male perspective, but he's a great conversationalist and I really enjoyed our talks.
I really hate that he moved, because I long for that kind of friendship right now. Not ready to jump into a "relationship."0 -
Oh wow, im totally going through the same thing, I like male company and that but it's hard to say 'I don't want anything serious, just company etc" without it coming across like.. "I just want sex" ...
LOL..
Hmm, maybe if you friend zone your femals mates.. Maybe try saying something like 'oh your such a good FRIEND I like having a FRIEND to hang out with" etc you can go out for dinner etc eith her without her thinking your looking for something serious??
Im not to sure though sorry, im kinda in the same boat and it is a hard one.
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Ditto, ditto, and more ditto. I would love to just date, but that is becoming more and more of a challenge. I feel like dating sites are just not for me. There's so much "picture swapping" and all that jazz happening on dating sites, I don't want to do them. That, or there's the opposite extreme of the person wanting to jump into a relationship and take over because they think that's what I "need." No thanks! I just don't think it's my time to find the right person for me right now, but I do feel like down the road it will happen again. In the interim, adult interaction would be nice, like you all said, just to enjoy being an adult etc. Getting lonely pretty much sucks!
What am I doing about it? Business as usual. I'm continuing to work on myself, talking to people at the gym to socialize with adults and going out with my one girlfriend here tonight because she's a new mom and her hubby is deployed so she's losing her mind! Hopefully we have some fun, but not too much since my little guy will be waking me up in the morning to make sure the Easter Bunny ate all of the carrots we're leaving out and that his basket is fit for a rock star! :glasses:0 -
I don't want a serious relationship or sex. Just a fun date and if we end up kissing and stuff I'm okay with that too. Just get out with an adult and have fun. Not one of my female friends though, I have plenty of those and thats all we are. I mean I have fun with my female friends and all but there just friends. They told me this is what I needed to get back into dating again.0
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I don't want a serious relationship or sex. Just a fun date and if we end up kissing and stuff I'm okay with that too. Just get out with an adult and have fun. Not one of my female friends though, I have plenty of those and thats all we are. I mean I have fun with my female friends and all but there just friends. They told me this is what I needed to get back into dating again.
Sounds like you're ready to start dating, but just want to take it slow. That's really the way to go anyways! I'm sure you just have to keep putting yourself out there, as hard as it is sometimes! Since my divorce I go through phases of dating...put myself out there, test the waters, and then take a break. It's a way to ease back into the scene. I'm sure the more you let go and open up to the right women you'll have them fighting over ya!
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I was gonna send this straight to Tim, but I thought our other, new, single dad might benefit too:
Even if ya don't mean to: if you get involved with any of your female friends without wanting to start a relationship you will hurt them.
If you let them do a lot of "nice things" for you, they will think you're headed to a relationship.
If you go out to dinner laugh and kid around, they will think you're headed to a relationship.
If you kiss (even on the cheek), hug, put your hand on their back as you walk (just cuz it's nice), they will think you're headed to a relationship.
They'll say they understand, but more often than not, they will change their minds really quick. Women will say they're cool with what you say you want, but in the back of their mind they are thinking, "he's just saying that. If he didn't *really* feel that way he wouldn't keep spending time with me/being romantic/letting me do nice things for him.
When they realize you actually mean it about not wanting a serious relationship, they will be hurt and likely turn on you.
(ladies, feel free to correct me...I've seen this a lot with my friends, but doesn't mean it's always true)0 -
So its either all or nothing? I date or don't date? So there is no easing back into dating? I have to jump in without testing the water?
I don't want to date someone that I don't know anything about. They might be serial Zilla killers. lol0 -
Well, you can get to know them through text/email/MFP (lol) first
Or, you can "date" some of your female friends... just don't be surprised when what's been happening keeps happening. They've been waiting a long time for you to be ready ;-)
OTOH, if you really like one of your existing female friends, you might run them away by dating someone else. So that’s tricky. Wish I had better advice for you.0 -
Here's another thought:
Maybe start having group get-togethers (dinners, parties, game nights, etc) with men and women?
Or tell them each time you're asking them out, hey I really wanna hang out but not romantically. Honestly, though, I don’t know too many women who would accept this without the ulterior motive of eventually snagging you, because if they want to find a long-term partner then going out with you is time they’re wasting that could have been spent looking for “the one.â€
What I honestly see more often (and I'm not saying you're this way) is that guys *say* they don't want a relationship, but try to get all physical. Can't have it both ways. Not with women you care about.0 -
(last post on this thread today, I promise)
And besides... big, strong, tough guy like you doesn't have to worry about serial killers, lol. Any psycho girl that comes after you can be easily thwarted. 0 -
Hey Tim, I totally understand your issue. I have been a full time single parent for 8 years and haven't even dated the last 3 years. My friend say I have "shut down" my dating probes and guys don't even ask me out anymore. Much like you I am super busy and my top priorities are my Kids and my health right now and throw work in there someplace. It would be great to have guy friend to spend time with. I love my gal pals, but it isn't the same. Good Luck!0
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Here's another thought:
Maybe start having group get-togethers (dinners, parties, game nights, etc) with men and women?
Or tell them each time you're asking them out, hey I really wanna hang out but not romantically. Honestly, though, I don’t know too many women who would accept this without the ulterior motive of eventually snagging you, because if they want to find a long-term partner then going out with you is time they’re wasting that could have been spent looking for “the one.â€
What I honestly see more often (and I'm not saying you're this way) is that guys *say* they don't want a relationship, but try to get all physical. Can't have it both ways. Not with women you care about.
Anything you say that men do I can say the same thing about women. We are not so different. Women my age will use any means to snag a single guy that has a good heart, no baggage, doesn't fool around, very family oriented. I guess I should just date and let the chips fall where they may. I just don't want to be taken advantage of. I am more of a take care of others type person and was taken advantage of. Hopeless.....0 -
Agree with women thinking some of those signs may indicate relationship, but if you're being honest and forthcoming with your intentions with the person and they interpret it as something else, then that's on them. All you can do is be honest and communicate what you do or do not want up front so the boundaries are crystal clear. Just don't cross the boundary lines you put in place! That's where it goes wrong with man-woman friendships. Gotta stick to the boundaries!0
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I would rather take it slow and learn this person first or later I may regret it, thats all.0
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I think that's a good idea.
On the Single Peeps board, there's a discussion about how you just know you like someone real quick. I don't agree. Here's what I wrote in response to that:But I don’t even feel like I’ve got a glimpse of the person’s “true self†for a couple months, so I can’t meet a guy today and say I truly like him next week. I can say he seems like a nice guy, like someone really great, someone who I’m excited isn’t a jerk in the first couple dates… but I don’t *know* that he is awesome until later when I’ve seen how he handles stress and conflict.0 -
Trust....Have you found that because of the past relationship it has caused you not to trust anyone anymore and you never give the next person a chance because of the past. But the past has made you what you are today. I think I like me 11 years ago better.0
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I was optimistic about men after my divorce, thinking it was my ex who cheated so I didn't think it was right to assume everyone else cheats, and thinking that way just got me hurt again. I didn't attract cheaters, but really just heartless, cold men who were burned once or twice and were just out for superficial, non-relationships. I'm sure it was partly my fault. I must have been sending that kind of person the green light. Either way, it was a harsh reality. After dating for a while I quickly realized that nobody is going to look out for me (not to mention my little guy) so I just started to put a wall up. I'm still standing behind it quite comfortably, but I know that it's not going to move me forward to what I want (healthy marriage and family) so eventually I'm going to have to start taking baby steps again. It's a little daunting and has been burning in the back of my mind. I try to ignore it with excessive exercise and sarcasm! 0
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I'm gonna just date and take the good with the bad. I'll figure it out one way or another.0
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Have you found that because of the past relationship it has caused you not to trust anyone anymore and you never give the next person a chance because of the past. But the past has made you what you are today. I think I like me 11 years ago better.
I give people a chance, but my problem is once I see little signs ("he didn't call when he said he would" or "he canceled at the last minute with a really lame excuse") it's hard for me to trust that they're not playin me. And with most guys, I usually find out that they *were* playin me, so that just makes me less likely to trust.0 -
Now if only you lived near me. I've only been with one guy ever & I started dating him in high school so I have no idea how "adult" relationships work. I've never been on an "adult" date so it would be great to have practice. No expectations, no sex & not a relationship. Just a date here or there to figure out how it works (that sound really dorky doesn't it).
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