I have noticed something
Carl01
Posts: 9,301 Member
In all the various going on a date threads,guys here (I know we are outnumbered) are to say the least somewhat ambivalent regarding what is happening in another persons life where as the ladies are instantly all in.
I find this interesting given discussions we have had where most ladies do not want or in some cases think they should not take much or any kind of an active role in the actual planning of first or early dates.
Do you all automatically set a too high of bar,thinking it is the start of a fairy tale or romance novel dream?
I find this interesting given discussions we have had where most ladies do not want or in some cases think they should not take much or any kind of an active role in the actual planning of first or early dates.
Do you all automatically set a too high of bar,thinking it is the start of a fairy tale or romance novel dream?
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I am not exactly sure what you mean...0
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I don't set the bar too high where a first date is concerned. I have always palnned a first date with the guy so we both have imput on what we are going to do. So much simpler for me to do that.0
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I am not exactly sure what you mean...
Getting excited and giddy over the prospect even when not themselves.
I certainly get that men and women express themselves differently but I get a sense that there is a different picture built into a ladies mind regarding a new person as they anticipate the date coming.
Almost like it is more of a fantasy being played out rather then a reflective look and see.
If I am wrong about it I am wrong,so be it.0 -
Yeah you're probably right.
Except for dudes that are waaaay desperate. I think they do the fairy tale fantasy thing too.0 -
I will admit that it has been a LONG time since I was last dating, but I would think that as long as the date allows for some conversation, that's probably as far as I'd raise the bar.
Talking to your date isn't asking too much, is it?
I mean, i don't care if it's coffee, dinner, or whatever else (personally I guess I'd prefer something more active, but I don't have any experience to base this on), but I'd rather not seem like as much of a stranger at the end as I did at the beginning of the date, if that makes sense.0 -
I will admit that it has been a LONG time since I was last dating, but I would think that as long as the date allows for some conversation, that's probably as far as I'd raise the bar.
Talking to your date isn't asking too much, is it?
I mean, i don't care if it's coffee, dinner, or whatever else (personally I guess I'd prefer something more active, but I don't have any experience to base this on), but I'd rather not seem like as much of a stranger at the end as I did at the beginning of the date, if that makes sense.
I was asking about a predate build up,more or less do ladies want any new guy in their life to be something of a Prince Charming that sweeps them off their feet and then creates a picture of that leading up to the date.0 -
Nope, no expectation. Hopefully he'll be able to hold a conversation - is that too much to hope for? Maybe I'll raise my standards with experience, but that's about the extent of it for now.I will admit that it has been a LONG time since I was last dating, but I would think that as long as the date allows for some conversation, that's probably as far as I'd raise the bar.
Talking to your date isn't asking too much, is it?
I mean, i don't care if it's coffee, dinner, or whatever else (personally I guess I'd prefer something more active, but I don't have any experience to base this on), but I'd rather not seem like as much of a stranger at the end as I did at the beginning of the date, if that makes sense.
I was asking about a predate build up,more or less do ladies want any new guy in their life to be something of a Prince Charming that sweeps them off their feet and then creates a picture of that leading up to the date.0 -
I will admit that it has been a LONG time since I was last dating, but I would think that as long as the date allows for some conversation, that's probably as far as I'd raise the bar.
Talking to your date isn't asking too much, is it?
I mean, i don't care if it's coffee, dinner, or whatever else (personally I guess I'd prefer something more active, but I don't have any experience to base this on), but I'd rather not seem like as much of a stranger at the end as I did at the beginning of the date, if that makes sense.
I was asking about a predate build up,more or less do ladies want any new guy in their life to be something of a Prince Charming that sweeps them off their feet and then creates a picture of that leading up to the date.
My pre-date jitters stem from the deep seated hope that this person will be the guy I've been looking for since I was a little girl. Not Prince Charming, but the man to stand beside me and hold my hand through life.
I do not expect bells and whistles on a date, simply because I am not a bells and whistles type of woman. As I have mentioned before, its the person I'm meeting that matters to me. The when and where matter nothing compared to the who and the outcome of our date.
I don't expect a man to do all the first-date planning. I believe, that like many things, it should be a mutual discussion. Suggestions for where, the best time for when, etc. I have foregone dates if the guy was a total space cadet and could not manage nailing down his preferred when/where and expected me to give him the full run down of activities without any input other than vetoing because it tells me that he isn't an effective communicator.
This whole "the man must" list is rather long and honestly just doesn't fit in my world. It's the 21st century where women are breadwinners and men are stay at home dads. Maybe 30 years ago the guy needed to be on top of it all, but seriously....we need to update these damn rules already. Same with the dating rules for women.
Now, as for the time I put into getting ready for a date, it's out of respect for myself that I display my best self. Shaving, plucking, beautifying....it's for me and my selfesteem.
ETA: if there are no jitters, it means I don't care about the outcome. Shouldn't I care about the outcome? Don't you usually care how it will go?0 -
Do you all automatically set a too high of bar,thinking it is the start of a fairy tale or romance novel dream?
My first date bar is set pretty low... coffee shop, lol!if there are no jitters, it means I don't care about the outcome. Shouldn't I care about the outcome? Don't you usually care how it will go?
Actually, I think that it's smart to go into a first date not worried about the outcome. We might still have jitters, and we are gonna hope that it's going to go well, but I find that being less invested in the outcome takes the stress out of trying to be so perfect that you don't scare away " the ONE." I've been on a lot of first dates in the last couple months, and because most are "one and done" I'm allowing myself to relax more and just have fun getting to know the guy whether it goes anywhere or not.
The jury's still out on which of the guys (if any) I am getting to know will be "the one" but I think all parties are having a LOT more fun than back when I was stressing about the first date being perfect.0 -
From the guy's perspective, I always loved first date. At this point, you still have so much to learn about each other you couldn't possibly run out of things to talk about. Everyone is on their best behavior. And there is a lot less stress as I just focus on having a good time (dinner, live music) and less focus on what her second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. date rules might be.0
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Yeah I love the first date also, I don't have any expectations either. Just hope she is having as good of a time as I am.0
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The level of expectations on a first date typically depend on what kind of connection I've made with the guy before the date. If it's a fix-up and I don't really know anything about the guy other than what I've been told, my excitement is tempered by uncertainty. If I've spent time around the guy before and know that he's funny and interesting and that our personalities work well together, sure, I'm going to be very excited about going on an actual date because I'm thinking about the possibility that this might turn into something real (not talking about marriage, just an actual relationship with someone who likes me as much as I like him). I've never done online dating, but I would assume the feeling is similar when you make plans with someone from a dating site with whom you've had a lot of communication and felt a good connection.
To some extent, I think it also depends on how much dating experience a person has had recently. A man or woman who dates often, particularly if they've had a string of one-and-done experiences, is going to be less excited about a date than a person who is lucky to have one date a month. Then again, I think people who date frequently are better able to tell in the lead-up communication whether or not the person they are going out with is special or probably very much like all the other one-and-dones. If you don't date much, you tend to think everyone has potential.0 -
To some extent, I think it also depends on how much dating experience a person has had recently. A man or woman who dates often, particularly if they've had a string of one-and-done experiences, is going to be less excited about a date than a person who is lucky to have one date a month. Then again, I think people who date frequently are better able to tell in the lead-up communication whether or not the person they are going out with is special or probably very much like all the other one-and-dones. If you don't date much, you tend to think everyone has potential.
Read: Practice makes perfect. Go out, have fun, enjoy!0 -
The level of expectations on a first date typically depend on what kind of connection I've made with the guy before the date. If it's a fix-up and I don't really know anything about the guy other than what I've been told, my excitement is tempered by uncertainty. If I've spent time around the guy before and know that he's funny and interesting and that our personalities work well together, sure, I'm going to be very excited about going on an actual date because I'm thinking about the possibility that this might turn into something real (not talking about marriage, just an actual relationship with someone who likes me as much as I like him). I've never done online dating, but I would assume the feeling is similar when you make plans with someone from a dating site with whom you've had a lot of communication and felt a good connection.
To some extent, I think it also depends on how much dating experience a person has had recently. A man or woman who dates often, particularly if they've had a string of one-and-done experiences, is going to be less excited about a date than a person who is lucky to have one date a month. Then again, I think people who date frequently are better able to tell in the lead-up communication whether or not the person they are going out with is special or probably very much like all the other one-and-dones. If you don't date much, you tend to think everyone has potential.
Words of wisdom, I don't date much. It's just a fact. I have had one actual date from online dating in the past month (two if you count the weirdo that flipped out because I didn't drive with him). I enjoy it, I'm learning not to invest too much, but when you've had a number of great conversations prior to the date...you're invested. Simple as that.
Am I trying to "practice" more? Sure. But a gal can only make herself so available to the dating world before people start trying to pay her
And no, I do not sleep with dates on the first date...usually. Some things just end up right where you want them to...:smokin:
Of course, when you date as infrequently as I do.....well, getting lucky is like getting lucky in Vegas :huh:0 -
The level of expectations on a first date typically depend on what kind of connection I've made with the guy before the date. If it's a fix-up and I don't really know anything about the guy other than what I've been told, my excitement is tempered by uncertainty. If I've spent time around the guy before and know that he's funny and interesting and that our personalities work well together, sure, I'm going to be very excited about going on an actual date because I'm thinking about the possibility that this might turn into something real (not talking about marriage, just an actual relationship with someone who likes me as much as I like him). I've never done online dating, but I would assume the feeling is similar when you make plans with someone from a dating site with whom you've had a lot of communication and felt a good connection.
To some extent, I think it also depends on how much dating experience a person has had recently. A man or woman who dates often, particularly if they've had a string of one-and-done experiences, is going to be less excited about a date than a person who is lucky to have one date a month. Then again, I think people who date frequently are better able to tell in the lead-up communication whether or not the person they are going out with is special or probably very much like all the other one-and-dones. If you don't date much, you tend to think everyone has potential.
Words of wisdom, I don't date much. It's just a fact. I have had one actual date from online dating in the past month (two if you count the weirdo that flipped out because I didn't drive with him). I enjoy it, I'm learning not to invest too much, but when you've had a number of great conversations prior to the date...you're invested. Simple as that.
Am I trying to "practice" more? Sure. But a gal can only make herself so available to the dating world before people start trying to pay her
And no, I do not sleep with dates on the first date...usually. Some things just end up right where you want them to...:smokin:
Of course, when you date as infrequently as I do.....well, getting lucky is like getting lucky in Vegas :huh:
By practice, I meant the going out (i.e., courting part) not the f'n part.0 -
I don't immediately start to think of the fairytale (usually ), but if I really like a guy based on our conversations, mutual attraction, etc., then yes I'm going to be pretty excited for our first date. And, if I don't feel that really excited thing and I'm just seeing how it goes, that usually means it's not worth the time I'm putting into it. Essentially for me, if I'm excited for the first date that means I've felt a click/spark/connection/chemistry (whatever you want to call it) with him. 0
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Carl, I think you got your answer. Most women don't seem to want to go out on a date if they don't think it will lead to a LTR. Men will go out just to have fun and spend time talking to the opposite sex.0
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Maybe the girls here are just more optimistic about the dates and hope they will go to somewhere even if back of our minds we are realist and know it will probably be a one and done we still want to hold on to that hope that this person we are meeting is the "one".0
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I am not exactly sure what you mean...
Getting excited and giddy over the prospect even when not themselves.
I certainly get that men and women express themselves differently but I get a sense that there is a different picture built into a ladies mind regarding a new person as they anticipate the date coming.
Almost like it is more of a fantasy being played out rather then a reflective look and see.
If I am wrong about it I am wrong,so be it.
i think in general you're getting an accurate assessment. i think it's because many women take a one at a time approach to dating , even first dates whereas men tend to try and first date as many people as possible. it's easier to do the fairy tale thing if you only say yes to a first date every few weeks or so and go out with the guy a few more times before you'll even think about accepting a new first date0 -
My thought I guess is why bother dating if you aren't looking for "the one" .. therefore of course I would get all excited etc. I have ALWAYS been this way. Which probably sets me up for failure more times than not. Not that I date alot .. but it would make more sense to look at it in a less romantic way ... but that is not who I am. Sometimes looking at the date with rose colored glasses sometimes "hides" what the person really is until much further into the dating process .. which is probably not a good thing either.
But I get what you are saying completely and would agree with you.0 -
Is this then part of why many ladies are adamant in their feelings that it is up to the guy to do the asking etc?
The desire for someone to come in on a white horse and carry them away (not literally of course).
If so then a guy needs to understand that desire.
I may look at it kind of mystified but if it a common fact and not going to change,knowing it will help me understand what a lady is looking for from me and if I like her will want to do that.
On the other hand ladies should know that a guys mind is probably not working along those lines so have fun with the dream but don`t be disappointed or put off if he doesn`t match it all that well.
It isn`t really his fault at that point.
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Maybe the girls here are just more optimistic about the dates and hope they will go to somewhere even if back of our minds we are realist and know it will probably be a one and done we still want to hold on to that hope that this person we are meeting is the "one".
Yup.
There's no such thing as Prince Charming. I gave up on that a long time ago.
But there is such a thing as "the one". And each date I went on, I wondered in my mind if he was it, especially if I already liked them and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. By the first 10 minutes of a date, I sort of figured out whether I'd be seeing the guy again or not (if he wanted to) so this little hope didn't last too long since I only saw a handful of guys more than once.0 -
Is this then part of why many ladies are adamant in their feelings that it is up to the guy to do the asking etc?
The desire for someone to come in on a white horse and carry them away (not literally of course).
Personally I don't think it's the prince charming on a white horse aspect that causes us to wait for a man to take the lead in doing the asking. Maybe it's just me, but a lot of it comes down to basic biology...if a guy is interested he'll ask, if he isn't he won't. There are very few instances where things work out long term when the woman is the aggressor in the very early stages.0 -
Is this then part of why many ladies are adamant in their feelings that it is up to the guy to do the asking etc?
The desire for someone to come in on a white horse and carry them away (not literally of course).
no. i dont think so. i'm pretty adamant that a guy asks me out but i dont do the fairy tale thing.
the way i see it, men (at least the kind i like) need to be hunters. if he picks up clues (coquettish smile, flirting, etc) that i'm interested and asks me out, then great! if not then i'm definitely going to ask him out. IME if guys are interested in me then they ask me out. if he's not interested then he wont ask me out. of course there's that possibility that there's a guy who's interested, available but is too shy or afraid to ask me out, but honestly that's not the type of guy i'd be compatible with at this stage of my life.
i think the idea of "the one" is just a new way of believing in a prince charming. i believe in neither. there are millions of men on the face of the planet. the idea that there's only 1 i could be compatible with as a mate is a bit ridiculous0 -
I agree .. I think that men are generally supposed to be "strong" .. that is why women go for the bad boys I think. They think they are strong and will protect them and take care of them .. even if they can do it themselves.
If you have a guy that can't even get up the courage to ask you out .. much less take charge and plan the date .. then how the heck am I supposed to be feel safe and secure around him.
HOWEVER ... lol .. once you get the strong and bad boy .. you want him to be sensative and sweet and caring..lol. But not too much so .. every now and then you have to be a little aloof to keep your girl on her toes .. haha. If you are all let me serve you forever and ever ... then you lose that bad boy edge. See? lol. Its very simple really.0 -
I am not looking for a Prince Charming. Someone to respect me and make me smile.
For a first date I don't want a white horse...I want you to take me to Buffalo Wild Wings, order wings and beers so we can watch the game and hang out in a relaxed atmosphere. There is plenty of time of "special" dates....show me how you are everyday...with your family and friends. That's who I'm going to possibly be with one day.
A decent conversation is appreciated...along with picking up the tab. I will leave a tip for christs sake...
Oh and don't try to stick your tongue down my throat...unless encouraged:devil:0 -
I don't think it's the prince charming on a white horse aspect that causes us to wait for a man to take the lead in doing the asking. Maybe it's just me, but a lot of it comes down to basic biology...if a guy is interested he'll ask, if he isn't he won't. There are very few instances where things work out long term when the woman is the aggressor in the very early stages.
Exactly! By nature I am a planner, organizer, etc so I naturally fall into taking the lead in most areas of my life. But I’ve had to reign myself in when it comes to dating because 100% of the time so far when a man has wanted me to do all the pursuing/planning it’s because he lost interest, maybe even started pursuing others, but is still happy to string me along.
This too!If you have a guy that can't even get up the courage to ask you out .. then how the heck am I supposed to be feel safe and secure around him0 -
I have posted before about whether "man pursues woman" is natural or societal. I fully believe it is a biological issue that manifests itself through our social customs. Men are hardwired to be aggressive, to pursue, when it comes to women. Men taking the lead, courting women and proposing to women, these are not just outmoded traditions. This is how civilizations have been built since the beginning of time. There's a reason men and women are so different, and it's because we were never meant to play the same role or serve the same function in our relationships with each other.
Having said that, I sometimes think the concepts of "dating" and "being in a relationship" are mistakenly intertwined in our minds. I have different thoughts about asking a man on a "date" or doing the planning and arranging when I'm in a relationship with him than when we're merely "dating." I have no problem with planning and paying for a nice evening out with my boyfriend. I have a huge problem doing it for a guy I've just met who asked ME out. So there's a difference between thinking a man should be responsible for every detail early on and thinking he must be responsible for every detail from now until the end of his life. As for what I bring to the table, that's for him to determine. If he doesn't think I'm worth the effort of finding out, why is he asking me out? If he doesn't think any woman is worth the effort, then I don't think the woman is the one being unrealistic.
I think I'm a lot like Janie in that I do not ask men on dates. I also do not meet men at places because, to me, that's not dating. I meet friends at bars and restaurants. I do not meet gentlemen I'm dating anywhere other than my front door. And I make that clear from the beginning. It cuts through the BS right away and lets me know what kind of man I'm dealing with. Sure, it's old school, but that's what I'm looking for. If I never find it, that's okay. I'd rather be single forever than end up with someone I don't love or respect and who doesn't really love or respect me. That has to be way lonelier than being alone.0 -
Exactly! By nature I am a planner, organizer, etc so I naturally fall into taking the lead in most areas of my life. But I’ve had to reign myself in when it comes to dating because 100% of the time so far when a man has wanted me to do all the pursuing/planning it’s because he lost interest, maybe even started pursuing others, but is still happy to string me along.
I have the same issue.I also do not meet men at places because, to me, that's not dating. I meet friends at bars and restaurants. I do not meet gentlemen I'm dating anywhere other than my front door.
On an intellectual level I understand what you are saying here. But from a practical and safety perspective, a guy will NOT know my address before meeting. There are too many creeps out there these days.0 -
[I also do not meet men at places because, to me, that's not dating. I meet friends at bars and restaurants. I do not meet gentlemen I'm dating anywhere other than my front door.
On an intellectual level I understand what you are saying here. But from a practical and safety perspective, a guy will NOT know my address before meeting. There are too many creeps out there these days.
On a pure survior level I would not let someone I just met, on or off line, know where I live. It takes awhile before someone is invited to my place and this includes friends. I have known people in the past that met people and gave out their address and they were robbed because the people they gave their addresses to. Especially online where you typically post your earning level. I know that is kind of extreme but I am just protecting myself.0
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