Attracting the same personality type
Doreen_Murray
Posts: 396 Member
Hey all! I'm new to the group. :flowerforyou: I've been on MFP since November and a few months ago decided to kick my *kitten* into gear so I've been working hard at reaching my goal. BUT...of course there is always a but...I've been trying to do a little "soul searching" on the relationship forefront this past month or so. One thing I've noticed is that I keep attracting the same personality type: very controlling, narcissistic, and emotionally draining. This was a HUGE problem in my marriage (divorced 4 years now) so I'm trying to stop attracting this kind of person. I've had a couple exceptions, but for the most part every time I seem to get back out there it's like they sense my presence and pounce! It freaks me out so I end up just giving up or keep dating very superficially, not what I want. I'm moving soon and don't want to keep repeating the same cycle, so I'd love to hear some feedback if anyone else has experienced this. God that was hard to write for some reason! lmao! Cheers, D.
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When you are out and about what is the persona you have,is it demure and withdrawn?0
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It may not be just what you are attracting, but what you find yourself attracted to? Are you dating these guys, or are you just noticing them being into you?0
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I'm definitely a people person! I used to party a lot, but don't anymore (once in a while). I've very laid back unless I'm juggling too much, in which case I take a dating break. The past year or so I've honestly been very focused on being healthy and being a good parent to my little guy. Party girl gone soccer mom?! Sounds terrible, but that's me! Love soccer games.
It may be that I am subconsciously attracted to these guys, but I certainly don't want to be so if that's the case I'd like to change that too! I haven't pursued them though, it's usually an online date they requested or I meet them just randomly out and about.
I notice the same red flags: no man friends, very successful, but very needy and demanding of my time. Not very good around groups of people they don't know. When I make plans without them, they try to disrupt them in some way or just be present (excessive texts, calls, etc). Wants to immediately meet my son (not happening). Starts talking marriage and babies right off the bat. Ahhhhh! Talks about meeting family too soon. Pees on my Facebook page just to make their presence known. I'm physically attracted to these guys or else I wouldn't date them, but this is not the personality I want in my and my son's life, so I'd like to change it up. Since I'm healthy, I thought I'd start inviting more healthy people into my life, but this is what keeps happening. Frustrating, but maybe it just takes time? IDK.0 -
You must be attracted to these guys for some reason. When you are with them, what are you getting out of the relationship? There has to be something. Do you online or offline date? If it is online, you should be able to pick up some of the red flags in their profiles, or at least in the first date. Same with the first date for offline.
Unfortunately, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince. I would start with examining the whys first and then start the kissing. lol0 -
This is such a hard question to answer for a novice. It takes a lot of analysis and a professional POV.
But I do think the way we see ourselves is not necessarily the way other people see us. This makes it double difficult to be self critical and figure out. I know that I've been attracting a lot of freaks lately, and I'm not sure if that's because of my state of mind or what. But I do know that my life changed forever when I lost my Mum a couple of years ago, so yeah, its very possible, and likely, that I've changed too. Perhaps I've also become a freak :laugh:
There is a way to change behaviour and patterns, but I dont know how. Perhaps the phase will just pass? The fact that you've recognised it may be all that is needed to shift the dynamic. IDK but we do change all the time, so........
Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
You see the signs so at first glance of that be done with it...only you have control of your interactions.
My guess is they seem confident and attainable to you so you are attracted for all the reasons we have discussed here many times as far as the unusual reasons a woman is smitten by a person they should avoid like a plague.
Reflect honestly about yourself and then follow through with it.:flowerforyou:0 -
I'm sure you're right, just trying to change who I'm attracted to and vise versa I guess so I can have healthier relationships. They haven't ever developed into a relationship because of the red flags...just dating. Once I start see the same signs, I end it. I date mostly online, but sometimes just out and about. I've met a couple of guys through friends that just didn't work out for other reasons (timing, distance etc).
I have kissed some frogs! I'm no kissy kissy on the first date anymore. Not even if there is chemistry. Trying to take it slow....like let's meet for Starbucks slow. Learned that lesson my first year post divorce dating! But it was good times!
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You see the signs so at first glance of that be done with it...only you have control of your interactions.
My guess is they seem confident and attainable to you so you are attracted for all the reasons we have discussed here many times as far as the unusual reasons a woman is smitten by a person they should avoid like a plague.
Reflect honestly about yourself and then follow through with it.:flowerforyou:
Are you a therapist? You should be if you're not! Dang. Thank you for the flowers, although flowers freak me out a little...
I'm going for a run to "reflect" now. lol! Thanks peeps!0 -
There is a way to change behaviour and patterns, but I dont know how. Perhaps the phase will just pass? The fact that you've recognised it may be all that is needed to shift the dynamic. IDK but we do change all the time, so........
Good luck :flowerforyou:
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It's like a freaking 12 step process! Recognition I'm guessing is the first so maybe I just have to give this some time. Thanks single peep homey!0 -
There's a saying "broken attracts broken".
My ex was a narcissist. Everything revolved around him somehow. I was attracted to that persona. Someone so important and "secure" (when in reality he's one of the most insecure people I know). I'm not sure if I hid behind this big person or what, but I fed into his narcissism and he fed into my neediness. It was a sick cycle.
In dating, if I even sniffed someone close to being that way, I ran the other way. Most of these guys seem to have it all together but sooner than later, the red flags start popping up like crazy.
Like Carl said, as soon as you see just ONE, go the other way.
My bf now seems normal. He's humble and sweet yet confident.. total opposite of my ex. I'm not used to that so it's taking time for me to get used to it (which is why I keep freaking out).0 -
There's a saying "broken attracts broken".
My ex was a narcissist. Everything revolved around him somehow. I was attracted to that persona. Someone so important and "secure" (when in reality he's one of the most insecure people I know). I'm not sure if I hid behind this big person or what, but I fed into his narcissism and he fed into my neediness. It was a sick cycle.
Spot on description of a narcissist. I'm getting better at sniffing them out quicker than I used to, so that's progress. Baby steps I guess. For now, I'm just going to keep working on my goal, getting excited for my move, and being happy with my little dude. Dating will happen again when I'm ready. I guess I'm just not there yet! Congrats on meeting someone who makes you happy! That's good stuff! :drinker:0 -
I have kissed some frogs! I'm no kissy kissy on the first date anymore. Not even if there is chemistry. Trying to take it slow....like let's meet for Starbucks slow. Learned that lesson my first year post divorce dating! But it was good times!
Why? Many men have the philosophy that if there is no kiss on the first date, she's not interested. I can understand not kissing when there's no chemistry, but if there's chemistry, why not go with it? Why send a signal that could confuse someone?0 -
Why? Many men have the philosophy that if there is no kiss on the first date, she's not interested. I can understand not kissing when there's no chemistry, but if there's chemistry, why not go with it? Why send a signal that could confuse someone?
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If the chemistry is mutual, there will be a second date. I tend to pick public places for first dates so it would likely be awkward for a sexy make out session (i.e., park, Starbucks, crowded restaurant, etc.). Just playing it safe on the first date!0 -
If the chemistry is mutual, there will be a second date. I tend to pick public places for first dates so it would likely be awkward for a sexy make out session (i.e., park, Starbucks, crowded restaurant, etc.). Just playing it safe on the first date!
I'm not necessarily talking about a sexy make out session. A park can be a romantic setting. Starbucks is not romantic. Restaurants are hit and miss. The number #1 gauge of interest from the male perspective and chemistry is whether there is a kiss during the time spent together or not. There are things I do during the date to test the waters if I can go in for the kiss. I don't believe a lot of guys set up the kiss as well as it needs to be done. That first kiss is a big deal. I feel relief once it has happened.
Remember that guys don't read behavioral subtext and context that well. A kiss, especially a more passionate one, is indisputable evidence of interest.
Where are you sourcing your dates? Online or offline?0 -
Maybe you should start a thread about first date kissing to get some feedback? I'm still pondering my subject line. :flowerforyou:0
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I know this sounds strange but often our basic pattern in relationships (called an attachment style) is set very early - often in parental relationships. The early patterns lead to subconscious needs and views of self/others that drive behaviour. These patterns can be changed in adulthood but first you need to understand what it is you are attracted to and why. So you are well on the track by posting here .
If you want to look into this further, it may be worth thinking about what your relationship was like with your parents. Not saying it was bad, quite normal stuff affects us all in different ways. Also, think back to your ex, what was it that attracted you to him most at first?
Often with narcissists the person who is attracted may have a need to see the other person as totally secure, in control and dependable, a fixer of everything bad in life. Sometimes there is a lack of confidence in self and it feels safer to give control to someone else. Does this ring a bell? If not it may just be that you are still subconciously attracted to your ex's type, even though you've decided you no longer want that type in your life. Try doing more of the date selection yourself and consciously pick different types. See how you feel when you do and most importantly, thinking about why you feel as you do. Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
When you are out and about what is the persona you have,is it demure and withdrawn?
Definitely not0 -
Guess you just have to try and recognise this in a person and when you do decide how you are going to react. My guess is not jump into it as you know it's going to end in tears. Might take a little DIY in regards to asking someone out who is not generally your the type you've ended up with and even just as social experiment and see how you go.
If I dated anyone with the same personality as me I would want to kill them lol0 -
Thanks for the feedback! Lots to think about. Thinking I'll take a break for now and when I start fresh with it I'll try some of your suggestions...very helpful! You peeps rock. :flowerforyou:0
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I think sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I've had similar experiences where the type of men I was attracted to wasn't allowing me the kind of relationship that I really wanted. I'm hoping that by reflecting on what it is that I *do* want in my life (and with a partner), I'll stop attracting the kind of men that aren't able to give that to me.
I do this by catching myself when I'm thinking about something I really didn't like about a previous relationship, and flipping it to what it is that I *do* want in my next relationship. I believe in the power of thought, and that what we put our energy into will grow (good, bad or otherwise). So I think that by focusing/visualizing what it is that I want from a partner (instead of what I don't want), that those thoughts and energies will grow and actually happen! (That's my plan anyway - ha!)
I think it's awesome that you're questioning your old patterns! Kudos to you for that!0 -
I do this by catching myself when I'm thinking about something I really didn't like about a previous relationship, and flipping it to what it is that I *do* want in my next relationship. I believe in the power of thought, and that what we put our energy into will grow (good, bad or otherwise). So I think that by focusing/visualizing what it is that I want from a partner (instead of what I don't want), that those thoughts and energies will grow and actually happen! (That's my plan anyway - ha!)
I think it's awesome that you're questioning your old patterns! Kudos to you for that!
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I think that is a great plan! Sometimes it's all about switching the mindset to positive: what I want to happen versus what I don't want to happen anymore. I love this. THANK YOU!0 -
I suck at quoting stuff on here! I always lose the box. :drinker:0
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(lol at the drinker face) :laugh: You're welcome, honey.0
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its simple, did you like the bad relationships of the past and the breakups? If so then keep dating the same type. If you want to find happiness then change your type.0
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its simple, did you like the bad relationships of the past and the breakups? If so then keep dating the same type. If you want to find happiness then change your type.
^This.0 -
its simple, did you like the bad relationships of the past and the breakups? If so then keep dating the same type. If you want to find happiness then change your type.
That is exactly what SweetBasil said except in chick speak, yours was dude speak. I think I prefer the chick speak version, but you're right!0
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