How to support a man...
La_Amazona
Posts: 4,855 Member
Okay men (and gals). It's not that I'm stupid, I swear. But I am honest when I say, I don't know how to be a gf, or at least a good one. I had tons of guys in my day, but only 3 serious bfs, including the ex bf. I was immature and knew how to get my way with them. Now at 33, I want a different type of relationship. One of mutual respect, trust and love. I've done my research, self reflection but how else to get great advice than with the men in here!! :happy: You all have seen me through all kinds of situations and though I LOVE the gals input, the men's input is awesome here.
Anywho... here's the situation or what's on my mind today. (wheels are turning) :bigsmile:
Smiley is stressed. He told me yesterday. He's been a bit grumpy/ moody lately.. not really with me but I can tell he's not himself. He missed a couple of days of work a couple of weeks ago due to him being sick. Then he got rained out last week.. and then he was rained out yesterday half a day and all day today due to rain.
Smiley is an apprentice electrician in school doing hours or something about to be a journeyman than he wants to be a master with dreams of having his own company soon one day. He's about to graduate school this month (has been taking classes for 4 years now).
So because of the rain outs, he doesn't get paid because he's not on salary. He gets paid very well because he's not on salary but this is when it's a disadvantage.
He's stressed because of the small pay checks because he's moving in a month. He just got a new roommate and they're wanting to move into a bigger place for their 4 dogs (Smiley is a HUGE dog lover- he has 2 and his brother has 2).
You all know I've been a hot mess so far.. well at least in my mind. Since I didn't know how stressed he was about his finances, I suppose I added to this pile. I've pulled back and have relaxed thanks to sooo many friends telling me to quit my whining. It's helped me tremendously!
I'm going over there tonight. I do want to spend quality time talking tonight. I want him to know I support him and am there for him w/o making it so obvious.
How can I get through to him? Smiley seems to be a manly man. He wants to bring home the bacon. He wants to provide and he's very protective.
When we go out, I do pay sometimes and I think he is okay with that but I feel he prefers to take the lead which is perfectly fine with me. I'm very traditional in this way also.
What would you want from your woman at this time? Should I ask him this? I know in most situations many of you just say "well ask HIM". But this is a sensitive subject right? Especially with how I'm perceiving him so far.
I'm fine with staying in for a while until he's moved and situated. I'm fine with driving to his place sometimes. I'm fine with paying sometimes.
Anywho... here's the situation or what's on my mind today. (wheels are turning) :bigsmile:
Smiley is stressed. He told me yesterday. He's been a bit grumpy/ moody lately.. not really with me but I can tell he's not himself. He missed a couple of days of work a couple of weeks ago due to him being sick. Then he got rained out last week.. and then he was rained out yesterday half a day and all day today due to rain.
Smiley is an apprentice electrician in school doing hours or something about to be a journeyman than he wants to be a master with dreams of having his own company soon one day. He's about to graduate school this month (has been taking classes for 4 years now).
So because of the rain outs, he doesn't get paid because he's not on salary. He gets paid very well because he's not on salary but this is when it's a disadvantage.
He's stressed because of the small pay checks because he's moving in a month. He just got a new roommate and they're wanting to move into a bigger place for their 4 dogs (Smiley is a HUGE dog lover- he has 2 and his brother has 2).
You all know I've been a hot mess so far.. well at least in my mind. Since I didn't know how stressed he was about his finances, I suppose I added to this pile. I've pulled back and have relaxed thanks to sooo many friends telling me to quit my whining. It's helped me tremendously!
I'm going over there tonight. I do want to spend quality time talking tonight. I want him to know I support him and am there for him w/o making it so obvious.
How can I get through to him? Smiley seems to be a manly man. He wants to bring home the bacon. He wants to provide and he's very protective.
When we go out, I do pay sometimes and I think he is okay with that but I feel he prefers to take the lead which is perfectly fine with me. I'm very traditional in this way also.
What would you want from your woman at this time? Should I ask him this? I know in most situations many of you just say "well ask HIM". But this is a sensitive subject right? Especially with how I'm perceiving him so far.
I'm fine with staying in for a while until he's moved and situated. I'm fine with driving to his place sometimes. I'm fine with paying sometimes.
0
Replies
-
Obviously not the person with experience in this field, but have been through similar with male friends. I'd take practical but subtle steps to make things easier for him - cook a meal to take with you in the evening (ideally with enough for leftovers - saves him a little on groceries!), say that you'd really like to stay in and watch a DVD, or that you want to try out a new recipe instead of going out for dinner. Can you help at all with the moving? Do you have a friend with a truck who could help? Moving vans are expensive! If you think his pride can take it, tell him that you know he's worried/under pressure, and ask if there's anything you can do to make his life easier at the moment, or at least let him know that you'll be there for him. You don't need to mention the money issue at all. :flowerforyou:0
-
same way youd support your dad or brother0
-
This might be contrary to what others would say - but don't TALK to him about it. All that will do is put his mind back where it is. If he wanted to talk he would bring it up.
SHOW your support. Without even saying "let's do something cheap" because that highlights finances, just cook him dinner. Rent the movie. Give him a back rub. Give him a kiss. Give him... well, y'know
Actions speak louder than words.
Don't SAY you want to be supportive... just BE supportive, ya dig?0 -
Give him a back rub. Give him a kiss. Give him... well, y'know
Oh my...... I plan to give him a massage tonight. Love to get my little hands on that man. :bigsmile: :devil:0 -
I wouldn't make much of a deal about it. It sounds like a temporary money crunch at an inconvenient time and like things will get better in a few weeks. He's probably been in the situation before and probably will be again. That doesn't mean it isn't stressful but it probably means that it's manageable and will work itself out.
Maybe make fun of him a little and tie to sex. Tell him you have a fantasy about being the sexy lady who seduces a homeless man because you just know how long it's been since the homeless guy got any. Then tell him he's perfect for the homeless guy role because he's obviously broke and headed to the streets. He'll either flip out on you or laugh his *kitten* off.0 -
Maybe make fun of him a little and tie to sex. Tell him you have a fantasy about being the sexy lady who seduces a homeless man because you just know how long it's been since the homeless guy got any. Then tell him he's perfect for the homeless guy role because he's obviously broke and headed to the streets. He'll either flip out on you or laugh his *kitten* off.
I just cracked up at this... I'm not sure if he will but I'm going to use this tonight. He knows I have a weird sense of humor and he appreciates it.
I should make him dress up like a homeless man and I dress up like a rich lady. How's that for role playing?!?!0 -
I don't know how much I could say about the financial aspect of it because not all men see it the same way. Some are particular about maintaining the "leadership role" you talked about. Being old-fashioned myself in that regard, I like that and respect that. And I think that is where words of affirmation come into play. Let him know you appreciate all the things he does for you, so that he always feels like he is "enough" for you.
From a non-financial standpoint, the best advice I have is that when a man has a full plate, do not add your own drama to the equation. Simply be a safe, sane place for him to escape to and not just one more problem he has to worry about solving.0 -
From a non-financial standpoint, the best advice I have is that when a man has a full plate, do not add your own drama to the equation. Simply be a safe, sane place for him to escape to and not just one more problem he has to worry about solving.
Ha!!
I'm trying. I'm trying. Because I didn't know he was stressed out, I thought his moodiness was about ME. Sometimes I can be a little um, selfish- world revolves around me type of gal.. I'm watching this carefully and have been doing awesome. I was freaking out in my brain but not to him.0 -
This might be contrary to what others would say - but don't TALK to him about it. All that will do is put his mind back where it is. If he wanted to talk he would bring it up.
SHOW your support. Without even saying "let's do something cheap" because that highlights finances, just cook him dinner. Rent the movie. Give him a back rub. Give him a kiss. Give him... well, y'know
Actions speak louder than words.
Don't SAY you want to be supportive... just BE supportive, ya dig?
I agree with this.0 -
Ugh .. I hate the whole money situation. It IS always so uncomfortable. You would think that sex would be the uncomfortable thing.
I keep going back and forth .. like what if he wants to talk about it, but is embarassed, or uncomfortable about it. It would ease things if you talked about it like it was no big thing. BUT .. if he doesn't want to talk about it then it will make it even more uncomfortable.
Yeh .. I'm lots of help. My advice .. just have lots of sex. HA!0 -
Been in a similar situation... I'll tell you what I did. First, I'm pretty handsy, so keep that in mind.
He and I were in the kitchen, I was cooking (not because of financial stress, just because I like to cook. How do you think I got to MFP?)... put the lid on the skillet and had a few minutes to kill. Turned around and gave him a big hug and then stuck my hands in his back pockets. Face to face, you've got his full attention, and he can't get away. He was still a little more tense than normal, so I looked him in the eye and said "I know you're stressed right now, and I know you want to handle it yourself. Just know that I'm here for you if you need anything." Then I put my head on his shoulder and squeezed his *kitten*, and started swaying to the music. Message received and distraction provided. He relaxed and started dancing with me.0 -
For the love of God don't talk to him about it. If HE brings it up, he wants to talk about it, if not, then he doesn't. Don't think of him as one of your girlfriends, we have our own way of dealing with stress. Girls like to talk about their problems, guys (at least me) like to take their mind off their problems and move on. Bring over some beer, play some video games, do something sexy, let him be on top, whatever. Don't try to take him out and offer to pay, that could just make him feel emasculated. You can, however, cook him dinner, make him a sandwich, look hot, or anything else women do that make them irresistible to us.0
-
This is great too, only replace dancing with sex.Been in a similar situation... I'll tell you what I did. First, I'm pretty handsy, so keep that in mind.
He and I were in the kitchen, I was cooking (not because of financial stress, just because I like to cook. How do you think I got to MFP?)... put the lid on the skillet and had a few minutes to kill. Turned around and gave him a big hug and then stuck my hands in his back pockets. Face to face, you've got his full attention, and he can't get away. He was still a little more tense than normal, so I looked him in the eye and said "I know you're stressed right now, and I know you want to handle it yourself. Just know that I'm here for you if you need anything." Then I put my head on his shoulder and squeezed his *kitten*, and started swaying to the music. Message received and distraction provided. He relaxed and started dancing with me.0 -
Best advice I could give is to know when to hold back... sometimes I (maybe him too) need my space when I'm stressed to just figure **** out. And I would think it's sweet you would want to help, but the best help would be to let me figure it out on my own.0
-
Hmm there is something he loves when I do. He says I'm really good at it.
Okay. :bigsmile:0 -
I wouldn't make much of a deal about it. It sounds like a temporary money crunch at an inconvenient time and like things will get better in a few weeks. He's probably been in the situation before and probably will be again. That doesn't mean it isn't stressful but it probably means that it's manageable and will work itself out.
Yep.For the love of God don't talk to him about it. If HE brings it up, he wants to talk about it, if not, then he doesn't. Don't think of him as one of your girlfriends, we have our own way of dealing with stress. Girls like to talk about their problems, guys (at least me) like to take their mind off their problems and move on. Bring over some beer, play some video games, do something sexy, let him be on top, whatever. Don't try to take him out and offer to pay, that could just make him feel emasculated. You can, however, cook him dinner, make him a sandwich, look hot, or anything else women do that make them irresistible to us.
And Yep.
You can do cheap things together, just don't make it obvious WHY you're doing them, thats just going to make him feel more self conscious.0 -
Okay men (and gals). It's not that I'm stupid, I swear. But I am honest when I say, I don't know how to be a gf, or at least a good one. I had tons of guys in my day, but only 3 serious bfs, including the ex bf. I was immature and knew how to get my way with them. Now at 33, I want a different type of relationship. One of mutual respect, trust and love. I've done my research, self reflection but how else to get great advice than with the men in here!! :happy: You all have seen me through all kinds of situations and though I LOVE the gals input, the men's input is awesome here.
Anywho... here's the situation or what's on my mind today. (wheels are turning) :bigsmile:
Smiley is stressed. He told me yesterday. He's been a bit grumpy/ moody lately.. not really with me but I can tell he's not himself. He missed a couple of days of work a couple of weeks ago due to him being sick. Then he got rained out last week.. and then he was rained out yesterday half a day and all day today due to rain.
Smiley is an apprentice electrician in school doing hours or something about to be a journeyman than he wants to be a master with dreams of having his own company soon one day. He's about to graduate school this month (has been taking classes for 4 years now).
So because of the rain outs, he doesn't get paid because he's not on salary. He gets paid very well because he's not on salary but this is when it's a disadvantage.
He's stressed because of the small pay checks because he's moving in a month. He just got a new roommate and they're wanting to move into a bigger place for their 4 dogs (Smiley is a HUGE dog lover- he has 2 and his brother has 2).
You all know I've been a hot mess so far.. well at least in my mind. Since I didn't know how stressed he was about his finances, I suppose I added to this pile. I've pulled back and have relaxed thanks to sooo many friends telling me to quit my whining. It's helped me tremendously!
I'm going over there tonight. I do want to spend quality time talking tonight. I want him to know I support him and am there for him w/o making it so obvious.
How can I get through to him? Smiley seems to be a manly man. He wants to bring home the bacon. He wants to provide and he's very protective.
When we go out, I do pay sometimes and I think he is okay with that but I feel he prefers to take the lead which is perfectly fine with me. I'm very traditional in this way also.
What would you want from your woman at this time? Should I ask him this? I know in most situations many of you just say "well ask HIM". But this is a sensitive subject right? Especially with how I'm perceiving him so far.
I'm fine with staying in for a while until he's moved and situated. I'm fine with driving to his place sometimes. I'm fine with paying sometimes.
This is only me commenting on the paying/$$$ stuff...
Let's face it. You're in a relationship together. While I'd say you shouldn't pay every time, but you can split it 50/50 or 60/40 (guy takes more obviously) - we're not 18 anymore. We're all responsible (usually) adults.
If you were still in the dating phase, I'd say it was up to him for the first 1-4 dates, etc.
But, I'm the type that will pay more often than not. But that's what's nice about dating someone w/ a real job, real life, etc. - you share it together.0 -
La_amazona, sane? Not sure those can go together.I don't know how much I could say about the financial aspect of it because not all men see it the same way. Some are particular about maintaining the "leadership role" you talked about. Being old-fashioned myself in that regard, I like that and respect that. And I think that is where words of affirmation come into play. Let him know you appreciate all the things he does for you, so that he always feels like he is "enough" for you.
From a non-financial standpoint, the best advice I have is that when a man has a full plate, do not add your own drama to the equation. Simply be a safe, sane place for him to escape to and not just one more problem he has to worry about solving.
jk.
I agree, try not to add to the plate if you can. When work is stressing me out (not often, but sometimes) it's difficult to put more on the plate.. it usually doesn't last but a day or two though, so maybe another time?0 -
La_amazona, sane? Not sure those can go together.I don't know how much I could say about the financial aspect of it because not all men see it the same way. Some are particular about maintaining the "leadership role" you talked about. Being old-fashioned myself in that regard, I like that and respect that. And I think that is where words of affirmation come into play. Let him know you appreciate all the things he does for you, so that he always feels like he is "enough" for you.
From a non-financial standpoint, the best advice I have is that when a man has a full plate, do not add your own drama to the equation. Simply be a safe, sane place for him to escape to and not just one more problem he has to worry about solving. jk.
I agree, try not to add to the plate if you can. When work is stressing me out (not often, but sometimes) it's difficult to put more on the plate.. it usually doesn't last but a day or two though, so maybe another time?
Ha!!
Until then I'll be unloading my stuff on someone else I suppose.0 -
La_amazona, sane? Not sure those can go together.I don't know how much I could say about the financial aspect of it because not all men see it the same way. Some are particular about maintaining the "leadership role" you talked about. Being old-fashioned myself in that regard, I like that and respect that. And I think that is where words of affirmation come into play. Let him know you appreciate all the things he does for you, so that he always feels like he is "enough" for you.
From a non-financial standpoint, the best advice I have is that when a man has a full plate, do not add your own drama to the equation. Simply be a safe, sane place for him to escape to and not just one more problem he has to worry about solving. jk.
I agree, try not to add to the plate if you can. When work is stressing me out (not often, but sometimes) it's difficult to put more on the plate.. it usually doesn't last but a day or two though, so maybe another time?
Ha!!
Until then I'll be unloading my stuff on someone else I suppose.
It's what friends are for 0
This discussion has been closed.