Very overweight spouse
mamawcl
Posts: 2
I am on a weight loss journey and unfortunately my husband is not. He weighs 600 lbs. and could care less. He still is able to go to work but he just sits at a desk all day. He sits at home all the time and never does anything at all except feed the dog and take out the trash. It's frustrating to cook because on top of his obese frame he won't eat hardly anything -- he's very picky. I am so tired of having to make concessions for his weight ---- can't fly because we'd have to buy two seats, can't do anything outdoors because he can't walk far or do any kind of exertion without panting like a dog, can't have sex (I won't go there), etc. etc. I am determined to lose my weight whether he does or not. I started fixing what I want for meals and let him fix whatever he wants. I'm tired of trying to get him healthy. This has been going on for 11 years. I love him but I can't make him lose the weight --- he'l have to make that decision himself and I don't see it happening.
By the way, my name is Becky. I live in DFW metroplex and have two grown children and four grandchildren. None of them live close to us.
We have a bassett hound named Daisy who is spoiled rotten.
I weigh 177 but am only 5'3" and would like to get down to 130.
I know there are others out there in my same position. I'd like to hear from you!
By the way, my name is Becky. I live in DFW metroplex and have two grown children and four grandchildren. None of them live close to us.
We have a bassett hound named Daisy who is spoiled rotten.I weigh 177 but am only 5'3" and would like to get down to 130.
I know there are others out there in my same position. I'd like to hear from you!
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Hi, Becky!
I decided to join this group because I also have a husband who's as stubborn as a mule and refuses to take better care of himself. It's so frustrating to find myself caring more about his health than he does. He's diabetic, has high cholesterol, bordering high blood pressure, sleep apnea (undiagnosed, but he has all the symptoms), and very high triglycerides. He also has a desk job and comes home and sits until bedtime. He has absolutely zero interest in exercising and, although he talks about going for a hike or bike ride, doesn't do either.
I know that I cannot force him to change his behavior and have chosen not to say anything about it to him. Other than to remind him to take his meds (which I may stop doing), I rarely say anything about his weight. He complains about being fat and I'll remind him that he's the only one who can fix that, but he doesn't do a damned thing to change that. He doesn't have much of a choice as far as food at home goes because I do all the cooking. However, he eats horribly when he eats out.
I love him with all my heart, but I worry that his health will become so bad that he will become incapacitated. It makes me angry that he doesn't stop to think about these things and the effect it will have on our lives.
I'm glad I've found a group of people who possibly face the same frustrations.0 -
"I am so tired of having to make concessions for his weight ---- can't fly because we'd have to buy two seats, can't do anything outdoors because he can't walk far or do any kind of exertion without panting like a dog, can't have sex (I won't go there), etc. etc."
I've felt like this too, my husband is 400lbs and 5'8 and can barely do anything. All I can hope to do is to change my life, and hope that inspires him to action. But it's so frustrating to see his lifestyle and the increasing gap between how I live and how he does...i don't have answers, only support and an "I know exactly how you feel."0 -
Try to stay positive.0
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Hi, I am here becauase I am changing the the effects my husband's choices have on me. He is insecure that if I loose weight I will want to leave him so over the years I have put on well over 70lbs since we been together. Alot had to do with my increasing stress levels and busy schedule so it was easy to fall in line with the bad eating habits and lack of excercise. I have been unsatisfied with my appearance for sometime now and I want to get in better shape for me. Although we weigh about the same, I am the overweight spouse. I am sick of being big and since I am on 5'5" tipping almost 300 really shows on me more. His smoking is also another issue.
I choose to start walking/jogging and eating healthier because I want to feel my best and be comfortable in my own skin. I also want to set a healthier lifestyle habit for my kids.
I think this group is an awesome idea and a good place for support and motivation.0 -
Hi, I am here becauase I am changing the the effects my husband's choices have on me. He is insecure that if I loose weight I will want to leave him so over the years I have put on well over 70lbs since we been together. Alot had to do with my increasing stress levels and busy schedule so it was easy to fall in line with the bad eating habits and lack of excercise. I have been unsatisfied with my appearance for sometime now and I want to get in better shape for me. Although we weigh about the same, I am the overweight spouse. I am sick of being big and since I am on 5'5" tipping almost 300 really shows on me more. His smoking is also another issue.
I choose to start walking/jogging and eating healthier because I want to feel my best and be comfortable in my own skin. I also want to set a healthier lifestyle habit for my kids.
I think this group is an awesome idea and a good place for support and motivation.
Welcome Paulineg1977~~ I was at almost 300 at 5'5 about two years ago and it gets easier! Just remember to keep going! You can do this and get healthy!0 -
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. He was a lil big when I met him but he has gained a lot of weight and eats a ton and eats very unhealthy. I am no longer attracted to him. I started my weight loss journey last Wednesday and he said he would do it with me. He keeps buying snacks for himself though and asking me are you sure you cant have pizza. Last night he went to the market across the street and got a small bag of cheetos and a candy bar. He told me I am not gonna give up snacks entirely plus I am a man and need to eat a lot more than you meaning more calories. I am frustrated that he said he would do this with me but isnt putting forth any effort. He thinks giving up soda pop completely is gonna cut it. I just wish we were on the same page together. Him bringing all this junk food home makes me want to eat it and it is so hard not to give in. So far I have not cheated on my diet, not sure how long I can keep doing that though.0
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That is frustrating. My hubby always talks about going on a "comprehensive diet and exercise plan" (whatever that means!*lol*), but manages to fall off the wagon within hours of saying that. *eye roll* I just keep rolling along on my own. I always keep healthy snacks on hand for myself, so that if he happens to bring home something for himself, I'll have something to munch on myself.
As for not being attracted to him, have you discussed this with him or do you just avoid any physical contact? While I would love for my husband to be in the shape/weight he was when we got together, his weight gain hasn't affected my attraction to him. I'm not sure how I would handle that situation.0 -
I dont think it is just his weight that is affecting whether or not I am attracted to him anymore. He had become more aggressive and says things to me that I believe are uncalled for. For instance, yesterday he was in the room and I said if you are going to take a nap you should shut the door so we dont have to hear your snoring. I was kind of serious but partly teasing. He started using the f word and started ranting at me. Also when the whole Trayvon Martin thing happened he told me about it and I said wow that really sucks. He was like "is that all you have to say? We really shouldnt be together. You are either really stupid or you are white."
I think it is a combination of his weight and his attitude that leads me to not being attracted to him anymore. I am not happy and find myself depressed most of the time. I would leave him but the 3 kids and I have no where to go and I have no money as I am still struggling to find a job.0 -
If he's becoming increasingly aggressive, I can understand why the attaction isn't there. I agree with you that, if he's saying things like that to you, it is uncalled for. I know how difficult it can be to be in a situation where you feel you have no choice but to stay, however, if you think you might be in any sort of physical danger, please call a women's shelter or hotline. Do you have family you can stay with until you get on your feet?
If you can catch an opportunity where you're both relaxed enough to have an honest conversation, maybe you can get to the bottom of things. That would be best thing to do. Of course, if he's always tense and upset, this can't happen.0 -
Yes I have family but they are clear on the other side of the US. My mom and dad have said I could come back but I am not sure I want to do that. I would have no car and no money and would feel like a failure and bad mom which I already do, it would just make it bit worse. I lived with my parents for 5 years after my ex husband cheated then divorced me. It is a tiny town they live in and I feel like if I was to move back in with them I would be stuck there again for years trying to get a job. The unemployment rate is really high there. Although I would be able to help out with my dad, he has hep c and cant work any longer and his health is rapidly declining, there is nothing more the doctors can really do.0
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Think about it this way: if your kids were going through your situation, what would you prefer they do? Would you consider them failures or would you welcome them back into your home and be happy that they're safe? It does seem that you have a lot on your plate, but taking care of yourself is a priority. Without staying healthy, you cannot do what needs to be done.
Please feel free to add me, if you'd like.
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Yes I have family but they are clear on the other side of the US. My mom and dad have said I could come back but I am not sure I want to do that. I would have no car and no money and would feel like a failure and bad mom which I already do, it would just make it bit worse. I lived with my parents for 5 years after my ex husband cheated then divorced me. It is a tiny town they live in and I feel like if I was to move back in with them I would be stuck there again for years trying to get a job. The unemployment rate is really high there. Although I would be able to help out with my dad, he has hep c and cant work any longer and his health is rapidly declining, there is nothing more the doctors can really do.
I can understand how you might feel, but maybe you can hold that to the backburner and focus on what the best enviroment is for your kids. Having them around that aggression cannot be good or healthy. Have you thought about family or couple counseling? Somewhere where you can work out your issues? It sounds like you both are very unhappy and two unhappy people do not a happy couple make, at least without some tweaks in communication and vision. Counseling really helped my husband and I. He got aggressive as he gained weight and it finally got bad enough that I made him go with me. It helped alot and now we communicate well and don't cross boundaries.0 -
he doesnt want to do counseling. I am just frustrated and wish for things to change but I know they arent going to. For the past 2 weeks he had been bringing up one of his exes in conversation, (she did this or I liked this about her, or sometimes I wonder what it would be like if), that kinda thing. I feel in my heart and in my gut that it is time to leave him, but it is just so hard.0
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Yep...it's time to make a move, IMO. When a man starts comparing you to his ex and not in a way that shows you in a good light, he's trying to tell you something. It's not easy trying to make a relationship work when only one person is doing all the work. I know it's hard to leave, but do you really want to live that way for the rest of your life? Most of all, do you want your kids in that kind of environment? If you're unhappy, your kids know it. Have you thought of the pros and cons of leaving? You alone have the power to do what's best for you and your children.0
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he doesnt want to do counseling. I am just frustrated and wish for things to change but I know they arent going to. For the past 2 weeks he had been bringing up one of his exes in conversation, (she did this or I liked this about her, or sometimes I wonder what it would be like if), that kinda thing. I feel in my heart and in my gut that it is time to leave him, but it is just so hard.
I think if he isn't willing to put in the work, you've got a big decision. I'd look for a transitional housing program or a safe women's shelter in your area. (This is part of what I do for a living, so let me know if you need help locating one.) You either need to go or make a choice to stay and just change yourself. Either way, it looks like you are at a crossroads. But if you chose to leave know you are strong enough, smart enough, and worth it enough to make it on your own!0 -
I have officially made the decision. My family is being extremely supportive and dont want me around someone who cusses at me and the kids and who makes us scared. I will be packing up our stuff in the next month of to and heading to Florida for a few weeks before moving back to Florida. I also dont have to worry about the car issue. If the mechanic thinks my sisters really old car can pull a trailer clear from Florida to Oregon than I will get that but I would have to learn to drive a stick. If not then my mom said she is going to buy a car that can make it for me. Also my parents are trying to buy a house with a bit of land for around what they are paying now and want to put a second house for me on it to make things easier on me. WOW is all I can say. I couldnt have asked for a better family. I love them so much. I am overwhelmed with anxiety though. I still have not told Will that I am leaving him. I am not sure if I should tell him now or if I should wait until it is closer to the day I leave. The car that he wont let me have that he is still paying on is in both our names, does anyone know if I can get my name taken off of it?0
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I'm pleased to hear you have your family's support - no-one should have to live as you have recently. I wish you all the best on your journey - it won't be easy (that's a given!), but you are taking the first step.
With regards to your car finance, I'm sure if you contact the company they will tell you a) if it's possible and b) what you need to do to remove your name from the agreement. At the very least they should put it on file that you have separated from your partner and no longer have any interest in, or claim to the vehicle, and any liability rests with your ex-partner.0 -
I know you're anxious and stressed, but just keep focusing on how much better your life will be. Your family loves you very much and you won't be alone. It will be a much better environment in which to raise your kids. As far as telling him, if it were me, I'd wait to tell him. At this point, his aggression may escalate and you may not have time to plan your move. I hope your transition is smooth and easy. Good luck! :happy:0
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I talked to him last night. It was kinda odd. He was like yesterday I was thinking about you and how much I cared about you and that things dont have to be perfect that I probably will never have a perfect relationship with anyone. He also said he wanted to change to make me happy. Odd that he says all this when I say I am leaving. A little too late for me.0
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I talked to him last night. It was kinda odd. He was like yesterday I was thinking about you and how much I cared about you and that things dont have to be perfect that I probably will never have a perfect relationship with anyone. He also said he wanted to change to make me happy. Odd that he says all this when I say I am leaving. A little too late for me.
Be careful girl, don't be manipulated.....
He needs to change for himself, not you. He needs to become the man he wants and needs to be regardless of if you stay or go.0
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