Intentional sabotage?
alex_marie85
Posts: 55
My husband and I got in a huge fight today. As I'm learning to eat, and my metabolism is regulating, I'm trying to heed my body about when I am hungry and when I'm not. Tonight I'd eaten my alotted calories and wasn't hungry for dinner.
My husband pressed and tempted me and finally went out and bought my favorite junk treat---cheese fries and a philly steak. Granted, he didn't make me eat it, but it was there, and not helpful.
After I ate it I gently asked if he could not do that....as it doesn't help my willpower to be tempted and he got angry..and at the root of all of it he finally admitted he was afraid if I got skinny I'd leave.
I wasn't angry per se when he admitted that. I had suspected it for awhile now, as he'd been acting weird...but it's just hard to try to be different when someone is purposefully trying to get you to stay the same.
Anyone else relate?
Note: I am not blaming him. I ate the things he bought...but it's just awful to have someone go get your favorite thing without even being asked and put it in front of you.....it certainly doesn't help me. :-( I know I'm responsible but I feel my journey is made THAT much harder by a lack of spousal support and even intentional sabotage.
My husband pressed and tempted me and finally went out and bought my favorite junk treat---cheese fries and a philly steak. Granted, he didn't make me eat it, but it was there, and not helpful.
After I ate it I gently asked if he could not do that....as it doesn't help my willpower to be tempted and he got angry..and at the root of all of it he finally admitted he was afraid if I got skinny I'd leave.
I wasn't angry per se when he admitted that. I had suspected it for awhile now, as he'd been acting weird...but it's just hard to try to be different when someone is purposefully trying to get you to stay the same.
Anyone else relate?
Note: I am not blaming him. I ate the things he bought...but it's just awful to have someone go get your favorite thing without even being asked and put it in front of you.....it certainly doesn't help me. :-( I know I'm responsible but I feel my journey is made THAT much harder by a lack of spousal support and even intentional sabotage.
0
Replies
-
I havent dealt with that, but I can imagine it would make things difficult. Would he be willing to go to counseling with you to discuss how he feels about you losing weight and his insecurities? It might help.0
-
I have posted a blog about this too. I dont know if the reason my hubs does this is the same as yours, or if he is just like "eat whatever tastes good". I have asked him not to offer to buy Chinese takeout or pizza or like when I posted the blog there was pizza at home already waiting for me, he sprung for a vegetable one just for me but it was still waaay over my allotted calories. I know it can be frustrating, I have tried to just reinforce my willpower and not have to ask him to change his habits (because I'm sure we both know that guys can be stubborn!). I don't know if my willpower will always be a struggle for me but just think about all the great progress you have made so far and reassure your husband you just want to feel sexy for you and him only!0
-
At least he is being honest with you. He is communicating his feelings, that takes a lot of guts and self searching. Maybe this is the start of his coming to grips with his own issues with his health. He is acknowledging that he is not on the same road that you are on and the scares the pajeebers (How do you spell that anyway?) out of him. You need to help him understand that you love him, but that you want to be healthy so that you can be the best Alex that you can be for you but also for him! You should let him know that your issues with health are yours and that you are making the choice to take care of yourself. I know you wish he would join you, but it has to be his choice to join you. You can gently ask him if he would he would like to join you, but that he shouldn't feel any pressure to. Also, don't make a huge deal about your victories to him, spouses often see that as a dig against them, especially if they are feeling the guilt anyway. He can see the progress, that is why he is freaking out a bit. Did you once say that you want to be in shape for babies? You can tell him that you want to be in optimal condition for that. He is on board with wanting a family, isn't he? My hubby and I got fat together and I have yo-yo-ed for over 20 years. He now has health issues that go along with inactivity and obesity and takes lots of meds. These are things that would be better if he ate better and exercised. We have 5 kids and he gained with me during the pregnancies and kept it. Now our baby is 7, menopause has set in and my bp, cholesterol and weight skyrocketed (mainly because I was eating all the wrong things, too much of it and got little to no exercise, compounded by the hormonal). Gladly after losing 30 lbs, things are back to just about normal with out medications! You don't want to wait until you are in my situation to get healthy. You are doing a really good thing to do this in your 20's instead of 40's like me. Oh, and make sure you are still taking care of him. I have made the mistake of neglecting my hubby in favor of going to the gym-big mistake!
Hang in there, sweetie!
BTW- YOU are still the one who decides what goes in your mouth. A splurge once in a while won't do you in, but don't think that just because you did it and didn't gain 10 pounds that you can do it often. That has been my downfall in the past and it isn't really even conscious, but you gotta get back on and stay there!0 -
When I started losing weight, my husband (boyfriend at the time) became a bit insecure, which threw me for a loop. He had always been very confident about himself and gave me the impression that he was never worried about me leaving. When I dropped the first 20 lbs., he would say things like "I know someone's going to come along and take you away from me" or "I know you're going to leave." That thought had never crossed my mind! Although I verbally expressed that to him, I realized that actions would speak louder. I started being extra affectionate and telling him how much I appreciated his support. That seemed to ease his mind quite a bit and he begain to relax. He also started being more mindful of what he brought home for me. Of course, he also figured that he should eat his junk away from home, but that's a whole other story.
Anyway...maybe showing your husband a little extra lovin' and more attention would be beneficial. It's worth a shot. :happy:0 -
I have posted a blog about this too. I dont know if the reason my hubs does this is the same as yours, or if he is just like "eat whatever tastes good". I have asked him not to offer to buy Chinese takeout or pizza or like when I posted the blog there was pizza at home already waiting for me, he sprung for a vegetable one just for me but it was still waaay over my allotted calories. I know it can be frustrating, I have tried to just reinforce my willpower and not have to ask him to change his habits (because I'm sure we both know that guys can be stubborn!). I don't know if my willpower will always be a struggle for me but just think about all the great progress you have made so far and reassure your husband you just want to feel sexy for you and him only!
So in those moments do you refuse the food? Throw it out? Ask him to help you be accountable by not bringing it in? Curious to know how you handle it.0 -
I have posted a blog about this too. I dont know if the reason my hubs does this is the same as yours, or if he is just like "eat whatever tastes good". I have asked him not to offer to buy Chinese takeout or pizza or like when I posted the blog there was pizza at home already waiting for me, he sprung for a vegetable one just for me but it was still waaay over my allotted calories. I know it can be frustrating, I have tried to just reinforce my willpower and not have to ask him to change his habits (because I'm sure we both know that guys can be stubborn!). I don't know if my willpower will always be a struggle for me but just think about all the great progress you have made so far and reassure your husband you just want to feel sexy for you and him only!
So in those moments do you refuse the food? Throw it out? Ask him to help you be accountable by not bringing it in? Curious to know how you handle it.0 -
Oh, darn, it posted without my comment! Good question! Don't want to insult him by refusing the gift thus driving him farther away, but you gotta wonder, "is it really a gift?" It may not be his intention to sabotage and it may not be a conscious effort. Wonder if he could fathom how this has upset you and made you to feel like you have been undermined. This situation is loaded with what ifs and could be's. Wish there was an easy answer. If I find it, I'll apply it and let you know right away! Even though my hubby is generally supportive, he just doesn't get it sometimes and is in denial about his own issues. Keep praying for that epiphany to hit them!0
