For those that just broke up with someone... Refocus!
La_Amazona
Posts: 4,855 Member
I'm trying to refocus and think on the positive. What did I learn? What will I take with me? What will I leave behind?
Yes I have been replaying the relationship in my mind. I think it's okay as long as I don't blame myself for everything that went wrong, put myself down, or get deeper in pity.
Here is what I'm learning:
I overthink yes and I overanalyze yes. But it's completely okay to have needs and wants in a relationship. It's okay to communicate this (not demand it). I communicated. The moment I started to be ignored of my requests or my needs, I should have seen that as a problem. Instead, I let excuses like stress, or whatever make it okay that he was slacking, that he was backing off. I learned that when people start making excuses, for something they had NO problem doing so before, is a warning that something is wrong and off.
I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable. It was the scariest thing ever. But I did it!!! I did it all right, just did it for the wrong guy. And if my normal needs scared him off, well good thing I scared off the wrong guy.
I learned that I'm a sweet girl. Being married to a cheater made me a little mean (to him). And when smooth talkers came my way, I had this shell around me that kept me protected. With ex bf, I was a sweetheart. I'm actually sweet like sugar. Felt so nice to give and be happy about it.
I will take what I learned from him. He was awesome in showing me he was into me by pursuing me. I will take this. He raised the standard. Granted, it doesn't mean it will always work long term- obviously but still. Whatever happened in between the start and the end with him, is his problem, his issue.
I came in with the mentality of being a priority, not an option but I left as an option in his life. I won't say I was played.. but I will say I was taken for granted. I gave the whole time because that's what you do, he stopped. I should have realized he was treating me like an option earlier.
I'll leave behind his words. He said I was too this, too that... because I was different from him. Where I was willing to accept his flaws/ differences, he had no tolerance for mine. None. I won't let his words affect me or my worth. I am colorful, bubbly, I laugh a lot, I like to have fun, I like to look up at the sun when I'm outside (he said I was child like), sometimes I ask dumb questions because I want to know, I like to wear glitter on my nails (he commented on this.. not sure if he was just teasing me), he commented on me wearing colorful clothes (sorry for not wearing black 24/7). What he once found intriguing, became too much out of his comfort zone.
In my marriage I learned you couldn't change someone. I'm happy to say that with ex bf, I never tried to change him, never tried to make him a "better man". I accepted him. And maybe this wasn't good to an extent because obviously, I got the short end of the stick in the relationship.. but still. I'm happy that I didn't try to make him in this perfect man. I accepted him and his imperfections. Next time, I just need to be more aware of what "imperfections" I'm willing to accept.
Anywho, there are a couple of us here licking our wounds. I've noticed this break up is making me sad for me. Not because of him per say.. but because I grew. I also was hurt but I allowed myself to get hurt. And as much as it stings, what a great thing for me. It means I'm human again. I got to the point where I was closed, shut, scared, etc. I'm no longer the tin man!! I have a heart again. A broken one.. but it's still there beating.
Yes I have been replaying the relationship in my mind. I think it's okay as long as I don't blame myself for everything that went wrong, put myself down, or get deeper in pity.
Here is what I'm learning:
I overthink yes and I overanalyze yes. But it's completely okay to have needs and wants in a relationship. It's okay to communicate this (not demand it). I communicated. The moment I started to be ignored of my requests or my needs, I should have seen that as a problem. Instead, I let excuses like stress, or whatever make it okay that he was slacking, that he was backing off. I learned that when people start making excuses, for something they had NO problem doing so before, is a warning that something is wrong and off.
I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable. It was the scariest thing ever. But I did it!!! I did it all right, just did it for the wrong guy. And if my normal needs scared him off, well good thing I scared off the wrong guy.
I learned that I'm a sweet girl. Being married to a cheater made me a little mean (to him). And when smooth talkers came my way, I had this shell around me that kept me protected. With ex bf, I was a sweetheart. I'm actually sweet like sugar. Felt so nice to give and be happy about it.
I will take what I learned from him. He was awesome in showing me he was into me by pursuing me. I will take this. He raised the standard. Granted, it doesn't mean it will always work long term- obviously but still. Whatever happened in between the start and the end with him, is his problem, his issue.
I came in with the mentality of being a priority, not an option but I left as an option in his life. I won't say I was played.. but I will say I was taken for granted. I gave the whole time because that's what you do, he stopped. I should have realized he was treating me like an option earlier.
I'll leave behind his words. He said I was too this, too that... because I was different from him. Where I was willing to accept his flaws/ differences, he had no tolerance for mine. None. I won't let his words affect me or my worth. I am colorful, bubbly, I laugh a lot, I like to have fun, I like to look up at the sun when I'm outside (he said I was child like), sometimes I ask dumb questions because I want to know, I like to wear glitter on my nails (he commented on this.. not sure if he was just teasing me), he commented on me wearing colorful clothes (sorry for not wearing black 24/7). What he once found intriguing, became too much out of his comfort zone.
In my marriage I learned you couldn't change someone. I'm happy to say that with ex bf, I never tried to change him, never tried to make him a "better man". I accepted him. And maybe this wasn't good to an extent because obviously, I got the short end of the stick in the relationship.. but still. I'm happy that I didn't try to make him in this perfect man. I accepted him and his imperfections. Next time, I just need to be more aware of what "imperfections" I'm willing to accept.
Anywho, there are a couple of us here licking our wounds. I've noticed this break up is making me sad for me. Not because of him per say.. but because I grew. I also was hurt but I allowed myself to get hurt. And as much as it stings, what a great thing for me. It means I'm human again. I got to the point where I was closed, shut, scared, etc. I'm no longer the tin man!! I have a heart again. A broken one.. but it's still there beating.
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Replies
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Great reflection! You will heal, and you will be happier with the next person that you do let in, because now you know that even if you get hurt, it s better than not even trying.......
((hugs))0 -
Very well written & a great reflection to help you move on.
Thinking of you & wishing you every happiness - you deserve it0 -
Honestly, I think this is too much for what you had with smiley.
You're over thinking beyond what the term even means. But you know that.
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Honestly, I think this is too much for what you had with smiley.
You're over thinking beyond what the term even means. But you know that.
Quit calling him the "S" word. Blah.
You confuse me.. Are you saying I learned too much from this little 2 month old relationship? Give me a break, it was my 1st one in 13 years. (yowzas!) It was a huge deal in my life because it was the 1st one in so long. That's all.0 -
Honestly, I think this is too much for what you had with smiley.
You're over thinking beyond what the term even means. But you know that.
Quit calling him the "S" word. Blah.
You confuse me.. Are you saying I learned too much from this little 2 month old relationship? Give me a break, it was my 1st one in 13 years. (yowzas!) It was a huge deal in my life because it was the 1st one in so long. That's all.
Maybe girls just learn more than guys, lol. In a two year relationship I learned... I need to put more time in, and in some cases when a girl says she has a lot of guys friends... she just might be bumping uglies with them. And that is it.0 -
Maybe girls just learn more than guys, lol.
We do and that's why we're smarter!!!0 -
Maybe girls just learn more than guys, lol. In a two year relationship I learned... I need to put more time in, and in some cases when a girl says she has a lot of guys friends... she just might be bumping uglies with them. And that is it.
:laugh: yup
And La_Amazona... you are the Single Peeps! epic thread starter for sure.
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Maybe girls just learn more than guys, lol. In a two year relationship I learned... I need to put more time in, and in some cases when a girl says she has a lot of guys friends... she just might be bumping uglies with them. And that is it.
:laugh: yup
And La_Amazona... you are the Single Peeps! epic thread starter for sure.
Hmm is this a compliment?? lol0 -
BECAUSE I LIKE TO TALK. You know, move my mouth and let words come out.. and then you also move your mouth and let words come out and we hear each other. It's fun!!!0
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I'm getting the impression that in an effort to "get over" the breakup or whatever you're trying too hard to justify things.
I've also noticed that with each day that goes by you vilify Smiley more and more (That's what I know him as, that's what I'm going to call him). Honestly that just doesn't seem fair. He never seemed like a horrible person, he just wasn't a match for you which doesn't make him inherently bad. Just because he made some poor decisions in how to handle situations doesn't mean he's a rotten individual.
You're focusing so much on "learning" so many different things that you're literally changing in your mind how things happen (look at your older posts - how you presented situations then and now are OPPOSITE). You've gone from being understanding to resentful. That's not exactly progress.
I get that you're hurting, and you're going to be hurting for a bit yet, but you won't get better until you just accept things for what they were. A 1.5 month long relationship that didn't make it. These things that you "learned" are all things you already knew, you're just reiterating over and over again.
Chill dude 0 -
Well, I'm impressed and I have nothing to add. Keep your spirit high, you're going to win the big prize!I'm trying to refocus and think on the positive. What did I learn? What will I take with me? What will I leave behind?
Stuff stuff stuff (which I read)0 -
I'm getting the impression that in an effort to "get over" the breakup or whatever you're trying too hard to justify things.
I've also noticed that with each day that goes by you vilify Smiley more and more (That's what I know him as, that's what I'm going to call him). Honestly that just doesn't seem fair. He never seemed like a horrible person, he just wasn't a match for you which doesn't make him inherently bad. Just because he made some poor decisions in how to handle situations doesn't mean he's a rotten individual.
You're focusing so much on "learning" so many different things that you're literally changing in your mind how things happen (look at your older posts - how you presented situations then and now are OPPOSITE). You've gone from being understanding to resentful. That's not exactly progress.
I get that you're hurting, and you're going to be hurting for a bit yet, but you won't get better until you just accept things for what they were. A 1.5 month long relationship that didn't make it. These things that you "learned" are all things you already knew, you're just reiterating over and over again.
Chill dude
As much as I talk here.. I say a lot. But you don't know it all. I now look back and see that I painted a better picture of him than I should have. Don't get me wrong, the beginning was wonderful!! It was magical. But like I said, you don't know it all. And I'm not going to blast him on here. He's a good guy, I suppose. But there were deeper issues that I excused for him. That's why I'm so upset with myself. It's not that I'm mad at him.. not at all. I wish him the best. I'm more disappointed at myself. I think that's why I'm taking it hard. I should have walked away earlier.
I never called him a rotten individual. I never said he was bad. But there's got to be something wrong if you freak out when someone treats you kindly and if 2 out of the 3 serious relationships you had ended on them cheating on you. And I can admit that I was blinded to this because of how much I liked him. Now that it's done, I can see clearly what was in front of me the whole time (or towards the 2nd half).
This is about ME. Not about him. So yeah, you chill.0 -
I'm getting the impression that in an effort to "get over" the breakup or whatever you're trying too hard to justify things.
I've also noticed that with each day that goes by you vilify Smiley more and more (That's what I know him as, that's what I'm going to call him). Honestly that just doesn't seem fair. He never seemed like a horrible person, he just wasn't a match for you which doesn't make him inherently bad. Just because he made some poor decisions in how to handle situations doesn't mean he's a rotten individual.
You're focusing so much on "learning" so many different things that you're literally changing in your mind how things happen (look at your older posts - how you presented situations then and now are OPPOSITE). You've gone from being understanding to resentful. That's not exactly progress.
I get that you're hurting, and you're going to be hurting for a bit yet, but you won't get better until you just accept things for what they were. A 1.5 month long relationship that didn't make it. These things that you "learned" are all things you already knew, you're just reiterating over and over again.
Chill dude
I agree with a lot of this... while it's good to pull things from relationships and this was an intense one for you. I don't really think you need to do the whole taking time to get to know yourself thing. I would usually reserve that for a we moved in together, was engaged, divorced or have been together forever type of relationship where a major life change is going to happen now that it's over.
I don't think Smelly was a bad guy, you two just didn't work out. The being an A-hole (or just less attentive) thing happens when you know the relationship is over, it's like in Nats thread where he hasn't been giving it his all at work because he knew he would be gone. Truth be told, I think you did a lot of good and right things in that relationship and it's mostly on him that he wasn't ready to take it to the next step.
I think you should jump back on the horse and go out dating, use the stuff you learned and make Smelly a memory.0 -
Hmm... I am not sure when is the last time you've been "dumped" or split with someone you cared about, but it is definitely not time for peace right now.I'm getting the impression that in an effort to "get over" the breakup or whatever you're trying too hard to justify things.
I've also noticed that with each day that goes by you vilify Smiley more and more (That's what I know him as, that's what I'm going to call him). Honestly that just doesn't seem fair. He never seemed like a horrible person, he just wasn't a match for you which doesn't make him inherently bad. Just because he made some poor decisions in how to handle situations doesn't mean he's a rotten individual.
You're focusing so much on "learning" so many different things that you're literally changing in your mind how things happen (look at your older posts - how you presented situations then and now are OPPOSITE). You've gone from being understanding to resentful. That's not exactly progress.
I get that you're hurting, and you're going to be hurting for a bit yet, but you won't get better until you just accept things for what they were. A 1.5 month long relationship that didn't make it. These things that you "learned" are all things you already knew, you're just reiterating over and over again.
Chill dude
She's seeing the "defects" of the guy to get over him quicker, and that's fine. He wasn't perfect, far from it. I like her attitude, she's learning from it, this is what everyone should do.
Nobody is perfect though, and when she'll be fully healed from this fresh wound, she'll start remembering the positives too and evolve even further.
She's got it right.0 -
I'm getting the impression that in an effort to "get over" the breakup or whatever you're trying too hard to justify things.
I've also noticed that with each day that goes by you vilify Smiley more and more (That's what I know him as, that's what I'm going to call him). Honestly that just doesn't seem fair. He never seemed like a horrible person, he just wasn't a match for you which doesn't make him inherently bad. Just because he made some poor decisions in how to handle situations doesn't mean he's a rotten individual.
You're focusing so much on "learning" so many different things that you're literally changing in your mind how things happen (look at your older posts - how you presented situations then and now are OPPOSITE). You've gone from being understanding to resentful. That's not exactly progress.
I get that you're hurting, and you're going to be hurting for a bit yet, but you won't get better until you just accept things for what they were. A 1.5 month long relationship that didn't make it. These things that you "learned" are all things you already knew, you're just reiterating over and over again.
Chill dude
I agree with a lot of this... while it's good to pull things from relationships and this was an intense one for you. I don't really think you need to do the whole taking time to get to know yourself thing. I would usually reserve that for a we moved in together, was engaged, divorced or have been together forever type of relationship where a major life change is going to happen now that it's over.
I don't think Smelly was a bad guy, you two just didn't work out. The being an A-hole (or just less attentive) thing happens when you know the relationship is over, it's like in Nats thread where he hasn't been giving it his all at work because he knew he would be gone. Truth be told, I think you did a lot of good and right things in that relationship and it's mostly on him that he wasn't ready to take it to the next step.
I think you should jump back on the horse and go out dating, use the stuff you learned and make Smelly a memory.
Smelly!!!!0 -
Honestly, I think this is too much for what you had with smiley.
You're over thinking beyond what the term even means. But you know that.
Quit calling him the "S" word. Blah.
You confuse me.. Are you saying I learned too much from this little 2 month old relationship? Give me a break, it was my 1st one in 13 years. (yowzas!) It was a huge deal in my life because it was the 1st one in so long. That's all.
I'm saying, you're making too much of it. You're over analyzing EVERYTHING. You guys broke up, it's what was best, time to move on from it. Stop thinking about it, stop talking about it, you're never going to get over it and move on if you keep talking about it. It's like a bandaid, rip it fast.
Get your stuff back now, don't wait. And move on with your life.
I understand it's a huge deal. But it's going to continue to be a huge deal in your life the way you're going.0 -
And look, you can't expect people to make assumptions based on what you tell us, and then tell us you're right and we're wrong. If you're going to talk about it, we'll need the details. The good, the bad, the ugly.
You can't give us half the information, and want an honest answer/comment and then tell us there's more to it.
Rip. the. band. aid. off. now.0 -
I've went from sad to mad to feeling better today. I think I'm right on track for the time I was with him.
I'm excited about the weekend even. As far as my stuff, I need to get it. I just don't want to see him right now.0 -
Trust me, do it now.
Just have him drop it off, bring a friend and have them go get it. Something.
Otherwise, in 2 months you're going to have to see him again when you could avoid that.
And I'm glad you'r e better 0 -
And look, you can't expect people to make assumptions based on what you tell us, and then tell us you're right and we're wrong. If you're going to talk about it, we'll need the details. The good, the bad, the ugly.
You can't give us half the information, and want an honest answer/comment and then tell us there's more to it.
This is true. But I do keep some things confidential, believe it or not.0 -
I didn't read your whole post about what you learned. Based on the size of it, I think you are way overthinking it. More than anything I like you learned that you had a good time fell for a nice guy. It didn't work out and it didn't end on your terms. Go out, keep doing what you were doing and quit thinking so much about the results.0
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I'm going to leave it at this:
This wasn't a healthy situation for me in the end. He was a very sweet guy in the beginning and I believe he can be a real sweetheart at times.
In the end, what matters is that I learn to trust MYSELF next time. That was the point of this thread.0 -
I overthink yes and I overanalyze yes. But it's completely okay to have needs and wants in a relationship. It's okay to communicate this (not demand it). I communicated. The moment I started to be ignored of my requests or my needs, I should have seen that as a problem
Well I took the time to read your comments and I am a little confused. If you are only communicating your wants and needs but not demading they be met then how is it a problem if they are being ignored?0 -
I feel for you Diana. You sound a lot like me when I came out of a 12 year relationship and fell into a 3 month one! He dumped me too :laugh: And I think the main reason was because I was too emotional, too giving, too needy, too sex starved (ok, I know that men would consider this a good thing....lol), too INTENSE!! He just coudnt handle me! :laugh:
Like you, I doubted my whole self, and questioned my every move, I think I just thought why one earth doesnt he love me because I'm such a good/kind/giving/wonderful person? :noway:
But really, when I look back, I really was an emotional mess!! :laugh: It took me a good 2 years to REALLY get over my LTex. I hated him, but it's a process of getting to know yourself again. Anyway......
I'm not saying you are like me, or that you are going through the same thing I did, all I'm saying is that it sounds similar. I could be totally wrong here. But the emphasis and thought and emotion and care that yo're giving a 6 week relationship, is not worthy of the short time you had together. I can't tell you how many of these 'trial' relationships I've had since......the initial stages are wonderful - the chemistry, the lust, the best behaviour, but then the cracks start to appear and that's when you figure out if you're good for each other, or not.
It's great the you''re talking it through. And expressing your feelings on the matter is nothing but a good thing. But really, all that's happened here is you both found out that that the two of you aren't compatible. You might go through another 4 or 5 short term relationships until you find the ONE! And each time, the person and the reasons and the situation and the experience will be different. Or the next guy you meet might be a keeper. Who knows!
But just do me a favour, stop trying to find flaws in yourself, cos you dont have any! You're perfect the way you are!! And you will be a perfect match for someone else!! You just weren't right for each other. And that's ok :flowerforyou:
Get your stuff and move on from this. The world is awaiting your presence :bigsmile:0 -
Hmm... I am not sure when is the last time you've been "dumped" or split with someone you cared about, but it is definitely not time for peace right now.I'm getting the impression that in an effort to "get over" the breakup or whatever you're trying too hard to justify things.
I've also noticed that with each day that goes by you vilify Smiley more and more (That's what I know him as, that's what I'm going to call him). Honestly that just doesn't seem fair. He never seemed like a horrible person, he just wasn't a match for you which doesn't make him inherently bad. Just because he made some poor decisions in how to handle situations doesn't mean he's a rotten individual.
You're focusing so much on "learning" so many different things that you're literally changing in your mind how things happen (look at your older posts - how you presented situations then and now are OPPOSITE). You've gone from being understanding to resentful. That's not exactly progress.
I get that you're hurting, and you're going to be hurting for a bit yet, but you won't get better until you just accept things for what they were. A 1.5 month long relationship that didn't make it. These things that you "learned" are all things you already knew, you're just reiterating over and over again.
Chill dude
She's seeing the "defects" of the guy to get over him quicker, and that's fine. He wasn't perfect, far from it. I like her attitude, she's learning from it, this is what everyone should do.
Nobody is perfect though, and when she'll be fully healed from this fresh wound, she'll start remembering the positives too and evolve even further.
She's got it right.
That last time I was "dumped" (as in I didn't want it) was a relationship that lasted over a year and I saw myself marrying the guy and was starting to plan my life with him.
The last time a guy and I agreed to stop seeing each other because it wasn't healthy for both of us was a few months ago. I was sad for a bit but recognized that it what we had wasn't healthy long term. Yes I picked up a few things about me and what I'm really looking for in a man, but I didn't postulate on it endlessly, and he and I are still on amicable speaking terms. I -really- liked the guy, just not what he had to offer as far as a relationship.
So yes, I do believe that this is the time for peace. I'm not saying she should be perfect, I'm not saying that he didn't have faults, I'm saying that the way she is reacting IS unhealthy to create a negative image of someone in order to get over them because then you're not getting over what really happened, but a fabricated story of what happened.
Amazona, I think you're a great girl, and I apologize if you think I'm trying to attack you. What you are experiencing is not unique to you, almost every single person goes through these same issues. It is, however, unfair for you to be upset when people disagree with how you are handling a situation because we don't know everything happened, when you have posted so much about it. Okay, there are things you kept private, but when you post in a public forum we only have what you have offered us to comment on. So yes, based on your past posts, based on your current posts, and based off of personal experiences I have offered my thoughts. Honestly, I didn't expect you to like them right away anyway.0 -
Glad you're doing better, but try to RELAX. I hope you get your stuff back... That's freaking FRUSTRATING!
My ex has my good calculator. I even said I'd pay for postage and just have him mail it to me.
That **** was expensive and my ****ty backup calculator didn't suffice for my math class last semester.
Never bringing any of my things to a guy's house ever again.0 -
In the end, I'm disappointed in myself. That's all. I'll take the focus off of him. I have... I miss the routine, the little things, but the thing that makes me cry at night is ME. Not because I feel I didn't do it all or what I didn't do but because I spent so much time with him that I saw the real him. And this real him wasn't healthy or good for me and I stayed around.
This was a wake up call to myself. I'm sorry that I won't go into further detail about it. I choose to protect him on this public forum. But once I told my family and friends about it, they completely understood why I felt the way I did.
And no, he didn't abuse me.0 -
Well then, you should be relieved that it's over instead of feeling sorry for yourself. But I know the hardest part to deal with is the feeling of being rejected and having to start over after you've put so much work into something.
And get your stuff back. My ex still has a bunch of stuff at my house, I asked her about a year ago when she wanted to get it back and I got a guilt trip and she said she wasn't ready to see me. Now neither of us want to call each other.0 -
I hate when people tell me to relax or chill .. pisses me off to no end.
Doesn't matter how long you were with the person .. you lived and you learned. That is what it is all about. It hurts to be rejected .. whether the person is right for you or not.0 -
Amazona, I think you're a great girl, and I apologize if you think I'm trying to attack you. What you are experiencing is not unique to you, almost every single person goes through these same issues. It is, however, unfair for you to be upset when people disagree with how you are handling a situation because we don't know everything happened, when you have posted so much about it. Okay, there are things you kept private, but when you post in a public forum we only have what you have offered us to comment on. So yes, based on your past posts, based on your current posts, and based off of personal experiences I have offered my thoughts. Honestly, I didn't expect you to like them right away anyway.
Thanks for the compliment.
I understand. I'm not upset because you disagree with me. It's just frustrating because it's more than just me being dumped. It has to do with the choices I made in this little relationship.
Furthermore, I want to learn from everything I experience in this single peep journey from now on, whether it's a 1st date or a 2 month relationship. Being married for so long, I lost track of ME because I was in an unhealthy marriage. This world is new to me. It's like I'm born again. Scary and exciting!0
This discussion has been closed.