Thick skin needed for online dating.
MikeM53082
Posts: 1,199 Member
I'm sure many people on here have tried or are currently doing the online thing. As a guy, I find it exhausting, somewhat disappointing, and just very time consuming. Am I the only guy who thinks writing the first initial e-mail is somewhat awkward too? I could piece together a few well written sentences and make an email sound pretty decent, but I still think it comes out as a little awkward.
Being that there are a lot of smart women on MFP who might have some insight into this.. what has been the best e-mail you received on an online dating site? I generally try to keep it under 4 sentences (brief introduction and then pick out one thing from her profile, like travel, and ask her a question on that). Once you exchange an e-mail or two, then the email conversation flows really smoothly.
Also, is online dating just as tough for girls as it is for guys? I have a few friends, that are girls, and they get a handful of new emails every week from different guys. I'm sure that can get overbearing, but certainly beats the alternative of getting none.
Any insight, tips, or funny stories would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Being that there are a lot of smart women on MFP who might have some insight into this.. what has been the best e-mail you received on an online dating site? I generally try to keep it under 4 sentences (brief introduction and then pick out one thing from her profile, like travel, and ask her a question on that). Once you exchange an e-mail or two, then the email conversation flows really smoothly.
Also, is online dating just as tough for girls as it is for guys? I have a few friends, that are girls, and they get a handful of new emails every week from different guys. I'm sure that can get overbearing, but certainly beats the alternative of getting none.
Any insight, tips, or funny stories would be much appreciated. Thanks!
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I completely agree, in fact it's become so much of a chore, I'm deleting my profile this week.
Have been on a few dates, but none were remotely interesting and found it incredibily frustrating that after giving a couple more guys my number, either no contact or nothing even close to a date. I don't get it, why give me your number, then not even instigate meeting!!! I bought it up myself with the whole meeting thing and still nothing!
I guess I should stick it out a little longer (only been on 6 months or so) but I really can't be bothered!!
Sounds like you're on the right track with the questions. I always paid more attention to the guys email that looked like they'd actually read my profile instead of sending an obvious generic email they send to everyone.0 -
Umm... yes! It's definitely not easy. And, I'll say it's not easy for the girls either, though I imagine it's harder for the guys. I send out the occasional note and they don't often get answered, so I can imagine that for the guy who is the one primarily sending the first email it's even worse.
There are two types of notes that get my attention. The first is the serious type. It's generally a couple of long paragraphs and they have put obvious thought and consideration into it. We have a lot in common and I can tell they have put a lot of thought into reading my profile and writing the email. These emails are harder to pull off as they take a lot of time and I can see where it could get even more frustrating to send that type and have it not get responded to. I recently sent one of this type to a guy thinking we would be a perfect match and when he didn't respond I was really let down.
The other type is humor. Even a dash of humor gets my attention. These emails are generally at least a paragraph, but if done correctly can be shorter. I had a guy who messaged me on OKC recently, where they tell you what percentage of a match you are with someone. He began his message with, "Hi Kimi, 32% enemy, hey that even rhymes!" Ha! Grabbed my attention and still makes me smile when I see that email (still not deleted) in my inbox. In fact, Friday night was our second date and we totally click. Well. personalities do at least.
Definitely always end with asking her a question about herself or her life. Make sure it's the last sentence in your note because it's easy to skip over it if it's earlier in. A question gets/keeps conversation going.
That's about all I've got suggestion-wise. Eventually it gets to the actual dating part and that's where things usually go sour for me :indifferent: .0 -
Umm... yes! It's definitely not easy. And, I'll say it's not easy for the girls either, though I imagine it's harder for the guys. I send out the occasional note and they don't often get answered, so I can imagine that for the guy who is the one primarily sending the first email it's even worse.
There are two types of notes that get my attention. The first is the serious type. It's generally a couple of long paragraphs and they have put obvious thought and consideration into it. We have a lot in common and I can tell they have put a lot of thought into reading my profile and writing the email. These emails are harder to pull off as they take a lot of time and I can see where it could get even more frustrating to send that type and have it not get responded to. I recently sent one of this type to a guy thinking we would be a perfect match and when he didn't respond I was really let down.
The other type is humor. Even a dash of humor gets my attention. These emails are generally at least a paragraph, but if done correctly can be shorter. I had a guy who messaged me on OKC recently, where they tell you what percentage of a match you are with someone. He began his message with, "Hi Kimi, 32% enemy, hey that even rhymes!" Ha! Grabbed my attention and still makes me smile when I see that email (still not deleted) in my inbox. In fact, Friday night was our second date and we totally click. Well. personalities do at least.
Definitely always end with asking her a question about herself or her life. Make sure it's the last sentence in your note because it's easy to skip over it if it's earlier in. A question gets/keeps conversation going.
That's about all I've got suggestion-wise. Eventually it gets to the actual dating part and that's where things usually go sour for me :indifferent: .
Humor is definitely important to me. If I can think of something witty/off-the-cuff, I usually try to include it, even if it's a little corny. My biggest hurdle is the emailing part. Once we are face to face having a drink, I'm usually golden. It's just easier to read body language in person and it just seems so much more natural.0 -
Keep it simple and please don't do the, "damn baby you so hot i just got to get my hands on that body" talk. It's an instant turnoff and makes us think there's only sex on his brain. Make an effort to truly get to know her and form a friendship. I deleted my dating profiles bc it was getting stupid. I would rather stay single if a guy doesn't come along in person.0
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I literally just got back into online dating last week. Already I feel your pain. I've read so much feedback on MFP about men wishing more women reached out, so I tried taking initiative. I've sent out about 20 notes in that week and not gotten a single response. Pretty disheartening but it's honestly exactly what I need. I shouldn't expect everyone to respond, nor should I expect to get a million emails either. I know I'm not everyone's ideal date, so it's OK. I say that now having reassured myself to give it time, but catch me at the wrong moment and I'll tell you I wasted my money, haha!
I'm sure you're a great catch so give it time. Try experimenting with other pics or changing up your writing. I'd keep the messages short and simple but using the formula you mentioned (brief intro, question on profile, and a dash of humor). Lastly I'm not saying lower your standards, but if you're only emailing the top 10% of women, you may want to keep your eyes peeled for a girl a little less beautiful but still a good match! She's probably just waiting for a nice guy to reach out but not getting near the email traffic to filter through. Good Luck!0 -
i think it depends on the girl you're sending it too, and unfortunately since you don't know them yet it's hard to know what kind of message they'd like and what kind they wouldn't.
i'm not 100% sure how i choose who to respond to...... sometimes it's based on location, sometimes it's looks, or something in their profile. usually it's NOT the first message that makes me respond...... i mean some are just so wrong that i wouldn't. other times i'm feeling crude myself and so i do.
for me, the things i look at before i will respond are 1. location, 2. profile ( what does it say about who he MIGHT be) and 3. pics. lastly i'll look at what is actually said in that first message.....
i too logged in this past week for the first time in months. i'll leave it at this " not impressive." i even put that in my profile, LOL!!! i'm easy to please, but hard to impress. and NOTHING in online dating has impressed me yet!!!!!!0 -
and yes, you need a VERY VERY thick skin to date online!0
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I feel your pain NCTravel. I'd say I get about 1 response for every 8 emails I send out. The girls I generally contact are someone I can actually see myself with. There are a ton of very attractive women that do online dating here in the Miami area and most intimidate the hell out of me. So I usually don't waste my time with them.
If I close my eyes and realistically see us together, I'd feel comfortable contacting them. For the darnest reason, I usually go 5 years younger or 10 years older. I just can't see myself with someone my same age (not sure what says about my psyche lol).
I think it's largely a numbers game.. we all just have to keep at it. Thank you for the email pointer as well.0 -
and yes, you need a VERY VERY thick skin to date online!
^^This!! But that's exactly why I got on there... I need thicker skin for dating in general and online dating seems to be the worst of it. I know some like the idea of "shopping" or "fishing" but let's be honest, it's lust at it's worst since most people just look at a picture and decide...That's hard for me to accept but is reality so I'll toughen up!0 -
If I close my eyes and realistically see us together, I'd feel comfortable contacting them. For the darnest reason, I usually go 5 years younger or 10 years older. I just can't see myself with someone my same age (not sure what says about my psyche lol).
I think it's largely a numbers game.. we all just have to keep at it. Thank you for the email pointer as well.
Sounds like you're on the right track. I do the same thing with imagining myself with someone! Nothing wrong with choosing any particular age range. I think it's a combination of your experience with other people and where you are. I used to go for guys 10 years older, now I can actually see things with someone a few years younger up to 5 years older only...
Just keep at it
Btw, I checked out your MFP profile and just had to say I loved your answer to Starting Weight, haha! 0 -
and yes, you need a VERY VERY thick skin to date online!
^^This!! But that's exactly why I got on there... I need thicker skin for dating in general and online dating seems to be the worst of it. I know some like the idea of "shopping" or "fishing" but let's be honest, it's lust at it's worst since most people just look at a picture and decide...That's hard for me to accept but is reality so I'll toughen up!
It's like when guys say they read Playboy for the articles. I actually do read their profile, just to scope out the basics (kids, job, and stuff like that). But it's a nice extra when they do have a well written profile.0 -
Just keep at it Btw, I checked out your MFP profile and just had to say I loved your answer to Starting Weight, haha!
See I like to inject a little humor here and there
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and yes, you need a VERY VERY thick skin to date online!
^^This!! But that's exactly why I got on there... I need thicker skin for dating in general and online dating seems to be the worst of it. I know some like the idea of "shopping" or "fishing" but let's be honest, it's lust at it's worst since most people just look at a picture and decide...That's hard for me to accept but is reality so I'll toughen up!
i think a lot of people do decide by the pictures. probably the greater majority.
but, not everyone! example. the OP messages me. first i will look at his profile, see what he's about "on paper" next i will look at his location, how far away from me is he? and lastly i will look at his pictures. after all of that i will decide if i'm going to respond or not. if he's within 30 min, and doesn't seem sedentary, boring, or just plain uninteresting, i will respond. i find the OP very attractive. but, if he's too far or just doesn't do it for me "on paper" then it doesn't matter how good looking i find him!!
for me, it's so much more than the picture. and it's way way more than the words in the first message!!0 -
i think a lot of people do decide by the pictures. probably the greater majority.
but, not everyone! example. the OP messages me. first i will look at his profile, see what he's about "on paper" next i will look at his location, how far away from me is he? and lastly i will look at his pictures. after all of that i will decide if i'm going to respond or not. if he's within 30 min, and doesn't seem sedentary, boring, or just plain uninteresting, i will respond. i find the OP very attractive. but, if he's too far or just doesn't do it for me "on paper" then it doesn't matter how good looking i find him!!
for me, it's so much more than the picture. and it's way way more than the words in the first message!!
For me, the more intriguing the profile/messages the less important the picture becomes and I always look at both. If the profile is pretty much something I'd write, I only look for a couple things in the pictures. If her profile puts me to sleep and is filled with either misspellings or "text" or "gamer" speech than the pictures would have to be downright angelic for me to even consider messaging or replying.
But mostly what I saw is a moot point as nobody ever replies to or messages me.0 -
Hey Mike -- for me the notes that get a FOR SURE note back is anyone that comments on my running. So, I'd suggest find something in the profile that you think the person would be proud of and then comment on that.
I'm a little weird so for me humor is a must. The guy I'm kind of seeing right now I sent a note to because he mentioned Hobbits, hairy feet, cow wrestling, herding cats, live ammo badminton, underwater bowling... etc. His entire profile was funny - but there was some serious throwing in there as well. He said something funny back and we've been bantering back and forth ever since and have been out 3 times.... so we'll see. So check out your profile too and make sure when a woman checks it out after receiving your mail she sees something about you that she will want to comment on.
Good luck.. I think you can find someone out there... it's just hard, online or in real life situations.0 -
For me, pictures say a lot and that is why I look at them first. It says what activities you like to do and who is in your life. Everyone writes the same thing on their profile anyway, so pictures speak louder to me.0
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There's no real science to generating a good email. In fact, I spend quite a lot of time writing the first email and I get no responses.. In fact, I think I get more responses when I simply right "Hey, how are you? Any exciting plans for the weekend?" Something along those lines and will get more responses that way.. Second emails I'll go more into asking about her likes and things from her page. Why waste so much time generating a lengthy email. Again, there's no correct way to generate emails. It's a gamble.. Some like short messages and others like lengthy introduction emails.
Good luck.
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My advice: be hot.
Yep. That's it.
To elaborate a bit though, "online dating" gives access to a nearly infinite number of people in a pool, and is a bit like a shopping window, so only the "most attractive" members of our species are deemed the right to procreate by their peers.
Do you know the difference between a creep and a funny/cocky man?
Their looks! :laugh: Actually, it's not a joke - just the sad truth.0 -
Pretty much. I'd be more likely to respond to an email that was funny than to one that just said "Hey". It does depend on how hot they are though, but if I got an email from someone that was fairly attractive I'd expect to see pigs flying outside my window. Probably wouldn't even matter what it said.My advice: be hot.
Yep. That's it.
To elaborate a bit though, "online dating" gives access to a nearly infinite number of people in a pool, and is a bit like a shopping window, so only the "most attractive" members of our species are deemed the right to procreate by their peers.
Do you know the difference between a creep and a funny/cocky man?
Their looks! :laugh: Actually, it's not a joke - just the sad truth.0 -
For me, pictures say a lot and that is why I look at them first. It says what activities you like to do and who is in your life. Everyone writes the same thing on their profile anyway, so pictures speak louder to me.
i think this is why i don't look at them as much. i am single and while i'm very very busy i don't often stop and ask my kids to take pictures of me doing something. and i stopped waiting around for others to what to do what i want to do in order to do it!!! so, i have pretty much NO action shots. not a single picture of me doing something. all of mine are face shots and one body shot. and they are obviously all taken by me :-) since that's what i have up, i can't really hold others to a higher standard. :-)0 -
So you're saying that it's the not so attractive girls that send out messages (in your experience at least)? Geez, maybe I need to stop messaging men.... HA! :laugh:Pretty much. I'd be more likely to respond to an email that was funny than to one that just said "Hey". It does depend on how hot they are though, but if I got an email from someone that was fairly attractive I'd expect to see pigs flying outside my window. Probably wouldn't even matter what it said.0 -
I've done it before but never for very long. I was getting replies from guys I found attractive or compatable.
I doubt I'd do it again now that I'm older. My feelings would get hurt if a week went by and no one sent me a message.
I guess I have thin skin.0 -
Not necessarily, I'm just saying that the ones that are considered more attractive probably don't need to initiate contact as much, because they get more emails than everyone else. So it's surprising when I actually do get an email from someone that I think is cute. It's really just a theory though.
So you're saying that it's the not so attractive girls that send out messages (in your experience at least)? Geez, maybe I need to stop messaging men.... HA! :laugh:Pretty much. I'd be more likely to respond to an email that was funny than to one that just said "Hey". It does depend on how hot they are though, but if I got an email from someone that was fairly attractive I'd expect to see pigs flying outside my window. Probably wouldn't even matter what it said.0 -
Not necessarily, I'm just saying that the ones that are considered more attractive probably don't need to initiate contact as much, because they get more emails than everyone else. So it's surprising when I actually do get an email from someone that I think is cute. It's really just a theory though.
I'm completely teasing, Dave! Like I'd let your opinion affect my online dating attempt, haha
(that's teasing again)
I do agree that anyone above average in looks will have enough email traffic to choose from and rarely need to initiate contact, so when that happens to you, I'm sure it just means she was waiting for you to do something and was seriously interested enough to make the move herself... must be those new beard pics! I think I read that you shaved it off... you better reconsider because it makes you more approachable 0 -
I think you do need thick skin for online dating, but soon enough the rejection or lack of response is just the norm. I would rather be rejected or no response over the other that happens...you go out with someone (first date/meeting whatever) then decide to see each other again, and then they poof!!! Gone, never to hear from again..........I just think that is the strangest thing ever!! If someone is not interested, just say so, don't say you want to see me again ,and then change your mind-or just let me know. But then I think....the nature of online dating is dating others and so maybe they just met someone they like better? Ugh....dating sucks!!0
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The messages I am most likely respond to include a guy introducing himself and then referencing maybe one thing in my profile that caught his attention or that he has in common with me. It doesn't have to be too long but I like to get the sense that someone has actually read what I wrote. Especially since I put at the bottom of my profile, "Please say something more then the obligatory hey or what's up?". But the kicker for me is when I do reply and ask some kind of question to continue the conversation the guy answers with a one or two word response then nothing else. Kind of leaves me thinking, "is that it?!" I'm currently on hiatus from online dating...we'll see how long that lasts :grumble:0
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Not necessarily, I'm just saying that the ones that are considered more attractive probably don't need to initiate contact as much, because they get more emails than everyone else. So it's surprising when I actually do get an email from someone that I think is cute. It's really just a theory though.
So you're saying that it's the not so attractive girls that send out messages (in your experience at least)? Geez, maybe I need to stop messaging men.... HA! :laugh:Pretty much. I'd be more likely to respond to an email that was funny than to one that just said "Hey". It does depend on how hot they are though, but if I got an email from someone that was fairly attractive I'd expect to see pigs flying outside my window. Probably wouldn't even matter what it said.
I get a lot of crap in my in-box... however, most of the time it's not what I'm looking for so when I find a guy that I like, I'll message him myself. One guy said he saw my profile but thought I was too cute and wouldn't respond. WTF? So, yeah, while I'm not hottie, I don't think I'm dog meat either and I want what I want so when I find that I'll initiate. EVERY guy I've wanted to go out with that I've sent the first note to, I've met.0 -
Full disclosure: I don't use online dating sites. But I do have recent experience with dating someone I met on MFP.
I think most of the Single Peeps crowd knows I am dating Eric (formerly mackeric, now goes by "mrmanmeat"). We were not MFP friends when he first messaged me. I was vaguely familiar with his posts on this board, but that's pretty much it. The first message he sent me was short and sweet: "I'm just curious. How/why are you single? You seem pretty level-headed." That was it. It caught my attention because he did something most guys who message me on here do not do: he complimented me without saying anything at all about my appearance (although he did tell me later that he had been captivated by my smile for weeks before he messaged me). That made me feel like he genuinely wanted to get to know me, so I didn't just blow him off or give him short, indifferent responses to his questions. We messaged back and forth for a while, just learning things about each other, commiserating about dating, being single, etc.
Then one day he made what I thought was a joke about taking me out on a date. He lives in North Carolina, I live in Texas, so I didn't think he was serious. But he was. He asked if I would go out with him if he came to Austin, and I didn't have any reason not to say yes. We spent a weekend together and had a great time. At the end of our first date, I was sitting on his lap outside an ice cream shop where we were having dessert. He looked at me and said "This has been the most normal first date I've ever been on." I felt the same way, and I knew it was because of the level of our conversations with each other. We weren't trying to "hook" each other, play games with each other, or avoid revealing our real thoughts and feelings. Our intent from the beginning was to talk, to listen, to learn. We sometimes had four or five conversations going in each message about random things, but, if you'll pardon the cheese factor, it was all painting a big picture of who each of us is. The minute I saw him at the airport, I felt completely at ease because I had been real with him, and he had been real with me, and we knew what we were dealing with.
So my advice ... stand out from the crowd of perverts and creeps who send messages that say little else but "You're hot.". Ask her a unique question about herself that most guys probably wouldn't think to ask (an example ... What's the hardest thing you've ever done, and what did you learn about yourself as a result? ... that has much more potential to start a real, human conversation about your life experiences and who you are than "So what do you do for fun?"). When she communicates back, be genuinely interested in learning who she is, and be open to showing her who YOU are.0 -
Full disclosure: I don't use online dating sites. But I do have recent experience with dating someone I met on MFP.
I think most of the Single Peeps crowd knows I am dating Eric (formerly mackeric, now goes by "mrmanmeat"). We were not MFP friends when he first messaged me. I was vaguely familiar with his posts on this board, but that's pretty much it. The first message he sent me was short and sweet: "I'm just curious. How/why are you single? You seem pretty level-headed." That was it. It caught my attention because he did something most guys who message me on here do not do: he complimented me without saying anything at all about my appearance (although he did tell me later that he had been captivated by my smile for weeks before he messaged me). That made me feel like he genuinely wanted to get to know me, so I didn't just blow him off or give him short, indifferent responses to his questions. We messaged back and forth for a while, just learning things about each other, commiserating about dating, being single, etc.
Then one day he made what I thought was a joke about taking me out on a date. He lives in North Carolina, I live in Texas, so I didn't think he was serious. But he was. He asked if I would go out with him if he came to Austin, and I didn't have any reason not to say yes. We spent a weekend together and had a great time. At the end of our first date, I was sitting on his lap outside an ice cream shop where we were having dessert. He looked at me and said "This has been the most normal first date I've ever been on." I felt the same way, and I knew it was because of the level of our conversations with each other. We weren't trying to "hook" each other, play games with each other, or avoid revealing our real thoughts and feelings. Our intent from the beginning was to talk, to listen, to learn. We sometimes had four or five conversations going in each message about random things, but, if you'll pardon the cheese factor, it was all painting a big picture of who each of us is. The minute I saw him at the airport, I felt completely at ease because I had been real with him, and he had been real with me, and we knew what we were dealing with.
So my advice ... stand out from the crowd of perverts and creeps who send messages that say little else but "You're hot.". Ask her a unique question about herself that most guys probably wouldn't think to ask (an example ... What's the hardest thing you've ever done, and what did you learn about yourself as a result? ... that has much more potential to start a real, human conversation about your life experiences and who you are than "So what do you do for fun?"). When she communicates back, be genuinely interested in learning who she is, and be open to showing her who YOU are.
Another gem ! ! ! !0 -
Full disclosure: I don't use online dating sites. But I do have recent experience with dating someone I met on MFP.
I think most of the Single Peeps crowd knows I am dating Eric (formerly mackeric, now goes by "mrmanmeat"). We were not MFP friends when he first messaged me. I was vaguely familiar with his posts on this board, but that's pretty much it. The first message he sent me was short and sweet: "I'm just curious. How/why are you single? You seem pretty level-headed." That was it. It caught my attention because he did something most guys who message me on here do not do: he complimented me without saying anything at all about my appearance (although he did tell me later that he had been captivated by my smile for weeks before he messaged me). That made me feel like he genuinely wanted to get to know me, so I didn't just blow him off or give him short, indifferent responses to his questions. We messaged back and forth for a while, just learning things about each other, commiserating about dating, being single, etc.
Then one day he made what I thought was a joke about taking me out on a date. He lives in North Carolina, I live in Texas, so I didn't think he was serious. But he was. He asked if I would go out with him if he came to Austin, and I didn't have any reason not to say yes. We spent a weekend together and had a great time. At the end of our first date, I was sitting on his lap outside an ice cream shop where we were having dessert. He looked at me and said "This has been the most normal first date I've ever been on." I felt the same way, and I knew it was because of the level of our conversations with each other. We weren't trying to "hook" each other, play games with each other, or avoid revealing our real thoughts and feelings. Our intent from the beginning was to talk, to listen, to learn. We sometimes had four or five conversations going in each message about random things, but, if you'll pardon the cheese factor, it was all painting a big picture of who each of us is. The minute I saw him at the airport, I felt completely at ease because I had been real with him, and he had been real with me, and we knew what we were dealing with.
So my advice ... stand out from the crowd of perverts and creeps who send messages that say little else but "You're hot.". Ask her a unique question about herself that most guys probably wouldn't think to ask (an example ... What's the hardest thing you've ever done, and what did you learn about yourself as a result? ... that has much more potential to start a real, human conversation about your life experiences and who you are than "So what do you do for fun?"). When she communicates back, be genuinely interested in learning who she is, and be open to showing her who YOU are.
Great example and so true!! Just be yourself and be open. It sounds like you guys developed a close friendship that just blossomed with an amazing and funfilled weekend!
Love it! 0
