The Interesting Feeling of Rejection through Online Dating
NCTravellingGirl
Posts: 717 Member
So it's been just over a week that I decided to try online dating. I've spent my life avoiding rejection so I didn't put myself out there. While I'm not sure I believe that online dating is right for me, I knew I needed to do something to thicken my skin and stop making such a big deal of it. I didn't go in with high expectation, but I will say what I've experienced was slightly disappointing. I decided to share since I know I'm not the only one struggling with rejection...
8 days of paid Match.com membership:
I sent out 50 winks or messages after reading advice on here how guys would love to get messaged. I got ZERO response from any of them. I guess what the guys meant is that they want messages from women they were already interested in, haha!
225 views to my profile by 142 people. 4 winks received (only 1 from from someone who viewed my profile). 1 message received (and promptly disappeared after I didn't text him back quickly enough).
Today I received what I will call my first rejection. Instead of just ignoring my wink, he actually sent a note back (automated) saying NO THANKS.
So it's a little surprising that the one rejection is what's stuck in my mind, despite the other 49 guys who ignored it after looking at my profile. I went in thinking I'd rather get something back saying No Thank you, than to not hear back at all. I have to now say I WAS WRONG. Just ignore me and move on, haha... So not what I expected to feel!!
I'm not giving up or anything. It's a little too soon to expect results, but I won't lie, it was a lackluster start of my 3 month membership. BUT, this is a learning experience for me to be willing to put myself out there and not ALWAYS be successful like I am professionally.
As an additional note, the online attempts gave me courage to share with my MFP crush how I felt during some back and forth messages. He basically ignored that part of the message and continued on with the rest of the conversation as if that hadn't just happened, haha. I'm glad he's a nice enough guy to not make a big deal of it, and I guess this whole thing really is about putting myself out there and being OK with rejection, ha!
I hope you're out there doing something to change your life as well
Have a great weekend! Good Luck!
8 days of paid Match.com membership:
I sent out 50 winks or messages after reading advice on here how guys would love to get messaged. I got ZERO response from any of them. I guess what the guys meant is that they want messages from women they were already interested in, haha!
225 views to my profile by 142 people. 4 winks received (only 1 from from someone who viewed my profile). 1 message received (and promptly disappeared after I didn't text him back quickly enough).
Today I received what I will call my first rejection. Instead of just ignoring my wink, he actually sent a note back (automated) saying NO THANKS.
So it's a little surprising that the one rejection is what's stuck in my mind, despite the other 49 guys who ignored it after looking at my profile. I went in thinking I'd rather get something back saying No Thank you, than to not hear back at all. I have to now say I WAS WRONG. Just ignore me and move on, haha... So not what I expected to feel!!
I'm not giving up or anything. It's a little too soon to expect results, but I won't lie, it was a lackluster start of my 3 month membership. BUT, this is a learning experience for me to be willing to put myself out there and not ALWAYS be successful like I am professionally.
As an additional note, the online attempts gave me courage to share with my MFP crush how I felt during some back and forth messages. He basically ignored that part of the message and continued on with the rest of the conversation as if that hadn't just happened, haha. I'm glad he's a nice enough guy to not make a big deal of it, and I guess this whole thing really is about putting myself out there and being OK with rejection, ha!
I hope you're out there doing something to change your life as well
Have a great weekend! Good Luck! 0
Replies
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**hugs**
He'll find you one day! 0 -
I have also avoided putting myself out there and now I am beginning to regret it. How would life be different right now if I had tried a little harder? Not that I never tried. It is easy to blame ourselves for the way guys act towards us. I have been on ChristianCafe.com (a small Christian dating website...... well, I guess it's not really that small anymore but it used to be) for a free 10-day trial and haven't had any luck, either. I've been on there before with a paid membership with no luck, either. I've tried all the other sites..... match, eharmony, POF, OKCupid...... I'm beginning to think online dating isn't the answer for me.
Anyway, I hope your luck gets better on there. I know a lot of people meet each other with great success on that site, so maybe it is just a matter of time for you. All it will take is one special person. :flowerforyou:0 -
A friend taught me not to look at it as rejection but protection from drama and pain. If we don't want drama, losers, deadbeats, thieves, psychos, and who knows what else that will just drain our energy and steal our joy, then it's ok if we don't have as many dates as someone else might have. She would rather have one quality date that is actually a good fit for her personality than 20 losers. I have found in the last two and a half months online that most of the guys who contact me are just looking for quick sex. Of the ones who are genuine, most of them are still broken, hurting, and angry about the previous relationship and not ready to begin anew with me.0
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Welcome to online dating. (half-assed applause)
I want to believe it's worth it in the end. I want to believe I will find someone who is an amazing fit for me. It hasn't happened yet.
I am happy, however, when I do get a message back. Even if it goes nowhere, it feels nice.
Which is why I vow to respond to all messages. Why not?0 -
Welcome to online dating. (half-assed applause)
I want to believe it's worth it in the end. I want to believe I will find someone who is an amazing fit for me. It hasn't happened yet.
I am happy, however, when I do get a message back. Even if it goes nowhere, it feels nice.
Which is why I vow to respond to all messages. Why not?
We all go in expecting great outcomes.....however, just like the real world, someone will come along when you least expect it. Sure it's great to put yourself out there, write those messages, and HOPE we get a response back. I guess my style is to just take life on a day to day basis and let life work itself out. The right person is out there somewhere and fate will definitely bring 2 people together regardless!0 -
Hey OP :flowerforyou:
I've been online dating on and off for years. I dont know if I got hard to it or if I always had this view, but I never use the word 'rejection' when going through the initial stages of winks and messages. This has such negative connotations inappropriate for the beast!
I think you need to try and detach yourself emotionally from it!
Here's why. Say you walk into a pub/bar and you spot a guy that you quite like the look of and smile at him (or you spot 10 or 20 guys throughout the evening). If that guy doesnt see you, or acknowledge you, or smile at you, or wink at you, do you feel rejected??
The answer is NO!!
Why? Because it's just a passing moment of nothingness!
You know nothing about this person. He's a stranger that likes tall blondes, or short Asians, or BBWs. Whatever! Move on and have a drink with your friends.
That's how quickly you need to get over a 'no thanks' online. It doesnt get more fickle than there. Please dont take it personally.
Remember, the war is in the mind!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm new to this, as well, but I'm starting to think on-line dating is a very bad thing. I do see the advantages: it dramatically widens your pool of possibilities, it allows a much faster ice breaker, everyone does it, etc.
But it seems to be changing how we view others, and the emphasis has moved to the physical. OK, looks have always mattered. I'm not naive. But now it's gotten brutally efficient, so that you see people looking for a certain height, a certain weight, discounting people who have a slightly larger nose, slightly less hair, whatever. That mentality must surely carry over into the relationship, as well, when there is an actual meeting.
It's as if we've become a bunch of social scientists with a clip board and a measuring tape, not willing to invest much time into really getting to know others. Why bother? If his/her eyes are not blue enough (or whatever), we can always log back on and message another 40 people and see how that goes.
It also means that we're changing how we perceive and present ourselves, both in pictures and in words on-line, to maximize our "response efficiency". It's only a matter of time before companies crop up to help you better structure your on-line dating persona to ensure superior dating performance metrics. I should copy-write "click to coffee ratio" and other such idiocies, as I'm sure we'll all be trying to maximize ours soon enough.
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just being a curmudgeon.0 -
I hate online dating. I think it encourages people to think they can judge others through a tick list mentality that has nothing to do with real connection. I hate the fact that it involves rejecting people, even though I know that the rejection is not of them as a person it is very difficult not to react that way and I find it distressing to cause others pain in this way. Any way you meet guys IRL does not involve this dynamic. If they lack confidence, they don't put themselves out there. If they don't, they can more easily take a no thanks as an answer, especially as there hasn't been prolonged contact before hand.0
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It's a continuation of the Facebook generation, where it's more important to capture a moment or present a virtual persona than it is to enjoy the moment and be yourself.
I was cross country skiing in the mountains between the Czech Rep and Poland in March, all by myself. This was when I just started to really lose weight and get in shape (my profile pic was taken the week before this particular trip). It was a week day towards the end of the season, so I was practically alone on the mountain. Many downhill skiers, but very few cross-country skiers at that time. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining. Just perfect.
I remember thinking it's a pity nobody was with me to take a pic so I could put it on Facebook and show my friends what a great time I'm having. And then I thought, "wtf"??? Why can't I just spend the day concentrating on what is around me? The beautiful nature, the fresh air. Why am I even thinking about how this will look on-line?
Maybe I'm rambling now. It's just that I'm starting to feel my presence on-line is beginning to change how I think, what I value, who I am, etc., and probably not in a very good way. And on-line dating is an extension of that pseudo-reality.
Again, it's not the process itself, which does make things more "efficient". It's what the process is doing to me in determining who I am and how I interact with those around me that troubles me.0 -
I like to do my dating the old fashioned way; hit the woman over the head with a club and drag her *kitten* home. Seriously, though, I've done my share of online dating on Match and Eharmony and met some interesting people. Miss Traveling Chick, on Eharmony I messaged 60 women, actually received responses from 10 and went on approximately 3 dates in 3 months. One turned out to be a winner except that she worked ALL the time, 7 days a week. It wasn't going anywhere.
I tell you one thing though. Filling out all those questionnaires and talking to various women, I found out exactly the type of woman that gets and holds my attention, so I don't view it as a lost cause. So I've taken that information with me into the world in hopes that I might find her.
Just my story 0 -
It's a continuation of the Facebook generation, where it's more important to capture a moment or present a virtual persona than it is to enjoy the moment and be yourself.
I was cross country skiing in the mountains between the Czech Rep and Poland in March, all by myself. This was when I just started to really lose weight and get in shape (my profile pic was taken the week before this particular trip). It was a week day towards the end of the season, so I was practically alone on the mountain. Many downhill skiers, but very few cross-country skiers at that time. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining. Just perfect.
I remember thinking it's a pity nobody was with me to take a pic so I could put it on Facebook and show my friends what a great time I'm having. And then I thought, "wtf"??? Why can't I just spend the day concentrating on what is around me? The beautiful nature, the fresh air. Why am I even thinking about how this will look on-line?
Maybe I'm rambling now. It's just that I'm starting to feel my presence on-line is beginning to change how I think, what I value, who I am, etc., and probably not in a very good way. And on-line dating is an extension of that pseudo-reality.
Again, it's not the process itself, which does make things more "efficient". It's what the process is doing to me in determining who I am and how I interact with those around me that troubles me.
Great post. I know exactly what you are saying. This social media thing can really grab a hold of someone if he or she isn't careful. For many, social media is life and reality to them and that's just wrong. I will say I do have a page which is geared to reconnect with old friends, but I can say it doesn't control my life.0 -
It's a continuation of the Facebook generation, where it's more important to capture a moment or present a virtual persona than it is to enjoy the moment and be yourself.
I was cross country skiing in the mountains between the Czech Rep and Poland in March, all by myself. This was when I just started to really lose weight and get in shape (my profile pic was taken the week before this particular trip). It was a week day towards the end of the season, so I was practically alone on the mountain. Many downhill skiers, but very few cross-country skiers at that time. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining. Just perfect.
I remember thinking it's a pity nobody was with me to take a pic so I could put it on Facebook and show my friends what a great time I'm having. And then I thought, "wtf"??? Why can't I just spend the day concentrating on what is around me? The beautiful nature, the fresh air. Why am I even thinking about how this will look on-line?
Maybe I'm rambling now. It's just that I'm starting to feel my presence on-line is beginning to change how I think, what I value, who I am, etc., and probably not in a very good way. And on-line dating is an extension of that pseudo-reality.
Again, it's not the process itself, which does make things more "efficient". It's what the process is doing to me in determining who I am and how I interact with those around me that troubles me.
Make no mistake about it, virtual reality is changing social contructions of self. This has huge disadvantages, the most obvious of which is the way the young use it explore vulnerabilities they would do better to disclose in a more supportive environment. It also accentuates any trust issues people have in terms of their connections with others, which often ends up in self fullfilling prophecies. Again, this can be exceptionally damaging to the vulnerable. So for people with high social fear or a fragile sense of self, it can be quite damaging. It can often begin to replace offline contact and sap motivation for real connections as it appears "safer".
As for the superficiality of status updates, it depends who the audience is and the purpose of the updates. Not everyone uses them as marketing of self. I do think it encourages people to view each other more as commodities if the relationships are superficial to begin with, as they are bound to be with passing acquaintences. If they have more depth, then the exchanges are more for entertainment, amusement or practical purposes. For many their online persona is simply an extension of themselves and a convenient way of making connections.
There is a lot of evidence that the process of writing can also help people to define aspects of their identity and feelings in a way that is helpful to them. It's self relfection, in the same way that prayer and therapy is. This can bring people closer to living lives more in tune with their values, ultimately bringing them closer to living authentic lives and the happiness that comes with this. This tends to be through forums, emails and blogs than through soundbites. I can say it is possible to make genuine connections online and for the essential self to translate into virtual reality and this is when the medium has great potential to transform lives for the better.
A mixed blessing, to say the least! :happy:0 -
I like to do my dating the old fashioned way; hit the woman over the head with a club and drag her *kitten* home. Seriously, though, I've done my share of online dating on Match and Eharmony and met some interesting people. Miss Traveling Chick, on Eharmony I messaged 60 women, actually received responses from 10 and went on approximately 3 dates in 3 months. One turned out to be a winner except that she worked ALL the time, 7 days a week. It wasn't going anywhere.
I tell you one thing though. Filling out all those questionnaires and talking to various women, I found out exactly the type of woman that gets and holds my attention, so I don't view it as a lost cause. So I've taken that information with me into the world in hopes that I might find her.
Just my story
Ha! You caveman, you :laugh:
I have a similar experience. Online dating did nothing for me (although I did make one lovely friend). But online contact more generally, when I was breaking up from my ex many years ago, did help me come to terms with what I wanted in a relationship. This ultimately helped me a lot in my relationships IRL, when I was ready to start having them again. It served a useful purpose in connecting me with people who I needed to find at that point in my life and I then pretty much stopped using it until I joined mfp and made a deliberate effort to get to know people online so I would keep logging on and stick with the programme.0 -
It's a continuation of the Facebook generation, where it's more important to capture a moment or present a virtual persona than it is to enjoy the moment and be yourself.
I was cross country skiing in the mountains between the Czech Rep and Poland in March, all by myself. This was when I just started to really lose weight and get in shape (my profile pic was taken the week before this particular trip). It was a week day towards the end of the season, so I was practically alone on the mountain. Many downhill skiers, but very few cross-country skiers at that time. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining. Just perfect.
I remember thinking it's a pity nobody was with me to take a pic so I could put it on Facebook and show my friends what a great time I'm having. And then I thought, "wtf"??? Why can't I just spend the day concentrating on what is around me? The beautiful nature, the fresh air. Why am I even thinking about how this will look on-line?
Maybe I'm rambling now. It's just that I'm starting to feel my presence on-line is beginning to change how I think, what I value, who I am, etc., and probably not in a very good way. And on-line dating is an extension of that pseudo-reality.
Again, it's not the process itself, which does make things more "efficient". It's what the process is doing to me in determining who I am and how I interact with those around me that troubles me.
Totally agree with you. I find it troubling as well, and I have had those exact thoughts as you regarding the picture taking, wanting to show my friends what a good time I'm having, the urge to show FB that I'm "living......"0 -
I am the opposite. I've made maybe 5 FB status updates in 5 years :ohwell:
Edited to add: but I do use it to chat with friends0 -
I'm new to this, as well, but I'm starting to think on-line dating is a very bad thing. I do see the advantages: it dramatically widens your pool of possibilities, it allows a much faster ice breaker, everyone does it, etc.
But it seems to be changing how we view others, and the emphasis has moved to the physical. OK, looks have always mattered. I'm not naive. But now it's gotten brutally efficient, so that you see people looking for a certain height, a certain weight, discounting people who have a slightly larger nose, slightly less hair, whatever. That mentality must surely carry over into the relationship, as well, when there is an actual meeting.
It's as if we've become a bunch of social scientists with a clip board and a measuring tape, not willing to invest much time into really getting to know others. Why bother? If his/her eyes are not blue enough (or whatever), we can always log back on and message another 40 people and see how that goes.
It also means that we're changing how we perceive and present ourselves, both in pictures and in words on-line, to maximize our "response efficiency". It's only a matter of time before companies crop up to help you better structure your on-line dating persona to ensure superior dating performance metrics. I should copy-write "click to coffee ratio" and other such idiocies, as I'm sure we'll all be trying to maximize ours soon enough.
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just being a curmudgeon.
Well said :flowerforyou: And I couldn't agree more.
Even the widening of the dating pool I find to be a disadvantage though! Why? Because I've met people that I would never have cared to meet!! :laugh: People from a different socioeconomic background (let alone the freaks, pervs and loons!) that actually dont make a good matches at all! But because of this superficial 'look' and well written (falsified!!) profile you think there is some kind of connection! Hmmm, some people are lucky with it, and stumble upon their dream match. Most people don't make the physical connection so are discarded straight away (no 'getting to know you'!) and other people make that physical connection, think that that is all a relationship needs and it fizzles out.
That's why you shouldnt take it seriously or personally OP. Its just a tool to widen your pool!! :bigsmile: But that pool contains a LOT of algae and dead wood!!
PS No offence to algae and dead wood! :laugh: 0 -
Anna's analogy to walking into a bar and talking to people there is a good one. You are never going to click with everyone regardless of how or where you meet.Filling out all those questionnaires and talking to various women, I found out exactly the type of woman that gets and holds my attention, so I don't view it as a lost cause. So I've taken that information with me into the world in hopes that I might find her.
I agree that those questions are a great learning tool. Some of them are super cheesy, but some of them also really make me think about who I am and what I want in a relationship.
Finally, I think it's important to put yourself 'out there' in multiple ways and not get stuck only on dating sites. The problem is that our lives can all become routine and we go to the same places and see the same people over and over. But really, how much is your life changing by sitting behind a computer screen looking at profiles? Not much. For me at least, I'm making sure to be more proactive in all aspects of my life by going new places, trying new things, inviting existing friends out more often, and making new friends (not just dating!)- both on/off line. Those all widen your horizon by changing the routine where nothing new will likely happen. Even if you met a friend to jog with on MFP for example, they might know someone to introduce you to or suggest going to a park you've never been to before...and then what? For me, it's all about being open to possibilities I guess, and online dating is just one route to that, but not the end all be all.0 -
It's a continuation of the Facebook generation, where it's more important to capture a moment or present a virtual persona than it is to enjoy the moment and be yourself.
I was cross country skiing in the mountains between the Czech Rep and Poland in March, all by myself. This was when I just started to really lose weight and get in shape (my profile pic was taken the week before this particular trip). It was a week day towards the end of the season, so I was practically alone on the mountain. Many downhill skiers, but very few cross-country skiers at that time. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining. Just perfect.
I remember thinking it's a pity nobody was with me to take a pic so I could put it on Facebook and show my friends what a great time I'm having. And then I thought, "wtf"??? Why can't I just spend the day concentrating on what is around me? The beautiful nature, the fresh air. Why am I even thinking about how this will look on-line?
Maybe I'm rambling now. It's just that I'm starting to feel my presence on-line is beginning to change how I think, what I value, who I am, etc., and probably not in a very good way. And on-line dating is an extension of that pseudo-reality.
Again, it's not the process itself, which does make things more "efficient". It's what the process is doing to me in determining who I am and how I interact with those around me that troubles me.
Great post. And I have found myself falling into the same "trap" of wanting to show my friends on FB the parts of my life that are interesting and photogenic. It's an interesting conundrum.0 -
I definitely appreciate the discussion! Perhaps rejection is not the word I mean because in this case, I don't think it's a bad thing or think any differently about myself for it. For years, I've struggled to put myself out there even more so in person. This was meant to be a step for me to be able to remember that it's not a BAD thing that all those men didn't respond...and it doesn't reflect on me! I shared it since I know so many people avoid online dating or even making connections in person because it hurts to feel rejected... and the people getting TONS of messages online are not the norm.
It's a roller coaster of emotion, but I'm enjoying it. It's actually made me more aware of people around me. It's made me smile at others more. It even made me confess my MFP crush, something I didn't think I'd do! I didn't expect to meet a soul mate in one week or even get a date, though the results were less than I'd thought they might be. And though things aren't any different at this point... I think I can be different :happy:
I really hope others out there read this and know that you can't sit around and wait for life to change, whether it's your physical self, emotional health, or social situation. YOU CONTROL IT! MAKE IT BETTER if it's not where you want it! It's OK for 50 guys not to respond, or even the next 50... because as someone else said earlier... it only takes ONE; the right ONE, but one!! Good Luck!0 -
I have been considering delving into online dating...this thread makes me want to run the other way, lol! OP, I can totally relate...I do not "put myself out there" at all- it's one of my flaws and I'm well aware of it. I feel "safer" that way, but I'm getting to a point where many of my friends are starting to get married or in really serious relationships headed that way, and here I am not even trying and worrying about going to another wedding alone. Like someone else said, it seems to me that online dating would really shift things to making appearance even more important. I have no problem admitting I'm a very average looking girl. I don't think anyone would just look at my picture and say, "Wow, I want to get to know her!" One of my best friends has had great success with match.com- however, she's an 8 and I'm a 5!
I am moving to a new town in a few weeks where I will know no one other than a few mfp friends I met awhile ago when I happened to be in town looking for jobs. I figured this was the perfect time to at least get out of my apartment and meet people. The other kind of odd reason that I am hesitant is going to sound totally ridiculous- but everyone is always talking about texting constantly when they meet people. I don't have unlimited texting. I don't have a smartphone. I don't want nor can I afford unlimited texting or a smart phone...but I feel like I am the only one on the planet and guys will think I'm just using that as an excuse not to talk to them! Sigh...I make everything complicated!0 -
I think everyone that has tried online dating has been in your exact shoes. I'd say about 1 person out of every 10 people, that I make contact with, end up e-mailing me back. It does get disappointing at times, but I never, never take it personally.
I think a lot of it boils down to realistic expectations too. If I only emailed women who were 20 yrs old and a supermodel, no one would ever respond to my messages, not even one. I tend to go for women who are considerably older, somewhat wealthy, and have fake books (ideally lol) and some of those women go for me and others don't.
If you live in a large metro, there will be TONS of people who do online dating. Find out what really gets you going and narrow it down, whether it's by age, body type, education, etc etc. The beauty of online dating is that you search for people who meet your exact criteria. All you can do is send them an email and keep your fingers crossed.0 -
Thanks for the reassurance, Mike. I'm not even batting 1 in 10, but that's OK. I've got to get used to this and let it go, haha...
Good to see you on here today :happy:0 -
Thanks for the reassurance, Mike. I'm not even batting 1 in 10, but that's OK. I've got to get used to this and let it go, haha...
Good to see you on here today :happy:
I'll pop on here every once in a while ;-)
Online dating is a sheer numbers game. I recommend sending more and more emails out. Just something short and sweet (4 sentences max). It's time consuming and a major pain, but it'll get better. Trust me.0 -
online dating wouldn't be as bad as it is, if people had to use their real names.0
