The X and the kids, yes I'm venting, sorry ahead of time.
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Z_I_L_L_A
Posts: 2,399 Member
I wanna yell and scream at the top of my lungs type frustration going on here. I know its rare but its so true in my case. My X is a deadbeat mom, has had nothing to do with my daughter long before we got a divorce and now she is pulling this on my son. She doesn't care or support anything the kids do. We have joint custody, no child support either way. My daughter is with me 100% and son about 80% of the time. I pay for everything, I support everything they do, education, sports and life lessons.
She plays it off like the kids and me are the bad guys because they don't want to stay with her. I tell the kids that I try my best but I can't give them what a mom does and they need to visit her. They say there is nothing there for them, that she doesn't show any interest in their education, sports etc. That its like hanging around a person that has never had kids and isn't set up for them. Financially, emotionally its killing me and stressing out the kids.
The kids are great and I couldn't have asked for better kids. The daughter(17 yr old senior) plays sports, her academics are great, mature emotionally and socially. She is being recruited by colleges for fastpitch softball and even lacrosse. My son is maturing and finding his self as a middle schooler(lol). He is 12 now. They are both caring kids and would help anybody that asked. I'm rambling but why would you not want to be a part of their lives. She tells me she is not helping financially because they don't stay with her. I need her to help in my daughter's needs and she won't do it. I said at least pay for some of the SAT and ACT test, or gas money.
Bottom line would you take her back to court to get financial help? Its like she likes the good parts of having kids but doesn't wanna help with the bad parts. Its like buying a puppy and once its not tiny and cute and makes a mess she doesn't want to take care of it or wants the young dog to take care of its self. Its like she has abandoned her responsibilities as a parent.
I know my kids are older than most but let me tell it doesn't get any easier. Any advice is welcomed and sorry for venting.
She plays it off like the kids and me are the bad guys because they don't want to stay with her. I tell the kids that I try my best but I can't give them what a mom does and they need to visit her. They say there is nothing there for them, that she doesn't show any interest in their education, sports etc. That its like hanging around a person that has never had kids and isn't set up for them. Financially, emotionally its killing me and stressing out the kids.
The kids are great and I couldn't have asked for better kids. The daughter(17 yr old senior) plays sports, her academics are great, mature emotionally and socially. She is being recruited by colleges for fastpitch softball and even lacrosse. My son is maturing and finding his self as a middle schooler(lol). He is 12 now. They are both caring kids and would help anybody that asked. I'm rambling but why would you not want to be a part of their lives. She tells me she is not helping financially because they don't stay with her. I need her to help in my daughter's needs and she won't do it. I said at least pay for some of the SAT and ACT test, or gas money.
Bottom line would you take her back to court to get financial help? Its like she likes the good parts of having kids but doesn't wanna help with the bad parts. Its like buying a puppy and once its not tiny and cute and makes a mess she doesn't want to take care of it or wants the young dog to take care of its self. Its like she has abandoned her responsibilities as a parent.
I know my kids are older than most but let me tell it doesn't get any easier. Any advice is welcomed and sorry for venting.
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Vent away Tim!!!! She is a major douchette.
First, just because she has a uterus doesn't make her a good mom. She obviously has very little to offer your children as a mother. You are doing both jobs and from what you have said they are well adjusted, great kids. You get to take the credit for that.
The fact that they don't live with her is the exact reason why she should pay support. You definitely need to take her to court. She is a dead beat. If one of us ladies came to you with the same story about our children's fathers what would you say?0 -
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0
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I think you have a good case if you took her to court. Just curious, have you been documenting everything? I learned a few years ago that I needed to document, document, document. I write down every support payment we get, every visit, and anything my daughter tells me that happens. Your ex's comment about not helping financially because the kids dont' stay with her is a bunch of crap. That is exactly why she should be paying.... she is supposed to be helping cover expenses that you incur while raising them.
I feel your pain. My daughter's dad only wants to be really involved (school, sports, etc) after he's been in a fight with one of his other kids moms. Yeah you read that right... 5 kids, 4 moms... what the heck was I thinking?!?!?! He's even called during her events (that he should have had knowledge of because I gave him a calendar of her events) and didn't even ask how she was doing - swim meet. We'd be better off if he just went away. sounds like your ex is the same way.... if she fell off the face of the earth it would only make the world a better place.
Wishing you the best with this situation.0 -
What puzzles me is they are great kids, how can you not want to be a part of their lives. Its like they are cramping her style. Its almost like she didn't want kids at all. But in the beginning she did.0
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I don't know if going back to court is worth it monetarily but it might be worth it to change the custody arrangements if the kids REALLY don't like being around her. I think they're old enough for the court to recognize their opinion.
I do know one thing: Just b/c you "can't give them what a mother can" and just b/c she's their biological mother does NOT mean you need to force them to spend time with her. They are old enough to make their own decisions, and if they don't want to be around her it does no good to force them. Rather, see if you can find good adult female role models for them to spend time with (like your friend Susan, other softball moms, friend's moms).
I thank God for my son's coaches and the grandmotherly/grandfatherly staff at the youth center that has taken my son under their wing. They made up for what his father fails to provide.0 -
Hard to understand exactly what goes through another person's head. Just like you can have fair weather friends, you can have fair weather parents. Some people are just not meant to procreate.0
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@JJ They have other female role models but bottom line they want their mom to act like a mom. They knew from their friends that they could choose a parent to stay with. All I said was only do it because you had to or if it got too bad with her. I try not to talk to her anymore unless I have to. It does no good to try and reason with her, it does no good to get mad or upset. You can win with her even if everybody tells her she is in the wrong. She believes the universe revolves around her, you think I'm kidding and I'm not. She is selfish and self centered, its all about what she wants and what people can do for her. She is a taker not a giver. She contributes nothing to this world but pain and anguish. Its like there is no answer and she is my curse.0
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bottom line they want their mom to act like a mom.She is selfish and self centered, its all about what she wants and what people can do for her. She is a taker not a giver. She contributes nothing to this world but pain and anguish.
Actually, bottom line is they're going to have to learn at a younger age than most of us that you can't make another person BE or DO anything that you want. They are going to have to come to terms with the fact that their mother ISN'T gonna act like a mom. She ISN'T gonna be there when it's important to them... only when it's important to her. The sooner they accept this, the sooner all of you can adjust your expectations and release this negative energy out of your lives.
I got stories about parents not being parents. I love my mom dearly, but I still, to this day, wish I had the guts to tell her how her drinking with the girls that bullied and teased me in school affected me. Sure, it's not as evil as your ex has been to your kids, but lemme tell ya... it really stings being told how fat and ugly you are and that even your own mother doesn't love you because she was out drinking with them and won't spend time with you. She was dating a young guy (who is the most amazing awesome stepdad a girl could have, BTW) and his young friends were dating jailbait I went to school with. How many nights did I cry myself to sleep wondering how I could get my mom to want to spend time with *ME* instead of her friends and these girls? I even tried to lose my virginity to one of the GIs that always hung around my classmates because I thought maybe if I did that my mom would think I was cool enough to spend time with (I chickened out though). Sounds dumb, but those are the feelings of a 15 year old girl.
So I understand your kids being hurt... but they can't change their mom. They are going to have to accept her as she is, and figure out how to deal with it in the best way possible for their happiness.
Edit to add: acceptance is NOT the same as approval/condoning bad behavior. It's letting go of what you WISH they would do, accepting what they most likely WILL do, and adjusting your behavior accordingly. For example, my son's dad almost always backs out of their visits. So I don't tell him anymore when we've planned for his dad to see him. That way I don't have to deal with the crushing hurt of being canceled on yet again. Your kids are old enough to grieve the loss of the mother they'll never have and help you come up with creative ways to minimize the impact her selfishness has on your lives.0 -
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Actually, bottom line is they're going to have to learn at a younger age than most of us that you can't make another person BE or DO anything that you want. They are going to have to come to terms with the fact that their mother ISN'T gonna act like a mom. She ISN'T gonna be there when it's important to them... only when it's important to her. The sooner they accept this, the sooner all of you can adjust your expectations and release this negative energy out of your lives.
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There still kids not grownups they still want their mom. They still want a happy ending. My daughter is more mature and responsible than kids
her age and older. My daughter had softball practice last night an hour and a half away and on her way home driving on a crowed interstate.
The X calls her while she is in traffic and says while crying that " I love you,bye" and hung up. My daughter trys to call her back but no answer.
She drives 90 mph thinking her mother killed herself. My daughter calls me and she met me at the gym and she can't catch her breath while crying.
We find out that her step daughter said something mean to her. JJ this is the crap we have to go through. My kids are very caring and would love to have a mom that cared about them. I can't tell them that they will have to come to terms just yet, they still have hope that she will come around.
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If you only knew...0 -
Ugh. Divorce with kids just sucks @ss. I just had a melt down yesterday because I am so sick and tired of my sons dad not giving a crap and making my son miserable ..BUT when my son gets mad at me calls his father and all the sudden he is father of the year and will take him. Just to rub it in that my son is mad at me.
I don't have the answer, but it sucks.0 -
Why do they have to have hope that she will come around? Why is that a good thing? To waste energy hoping for something that will likely never happen??? My blood father was an unsavory character, in and out of jail. The sooner I learned to accept that as a child the sooner I stopped living in that fantasy world of "one day my daddy's gonna come meet me and say he's always loved me" and learned to accept love where I found it.My kids are very caring and would love to have a mom that cared about them. I can't tell them that they will have to come to terms just yet, they still have hope that she will come around.
I'm not a child psych, so if a counselor is telling you to shield them from their mother's behavior by all means listen to them, not me. But you sound like you're spending so much time and energy being angry at this woman... seems all of you would be healthier if you just let her go.
I can't possibly know what you are going through... all I know is what I'm going through.... and the last time my son spent any time with his dad he came home crying about how his dad spent more time hanging out with some of his music students boys and none with him. I asked his father about this and it was true. I guess they had some special event coming up...He only sees his son once or twice a year (if THAT!) so I don't see why he couldn't have scheduled the visit some other time. Oh wait. I know why he insisted on having his son then. Because he needed his son present to beg grandma for more money.If you only knew...
My son, at 6, is old enough to understand that some people's parents are great and some aren't. He's figured this out about his dad, and gives me running commentary on his friends dads and moms as well. So-and-so's mommy lets them do ABC, and you don't but you love me like XYZ. So-and-So's daddy never comes to see her like mine never comes to see me.
I'm not gonna say I have "THE" answer (my kid is only 6...how do I really know). I just know that if what you're doing isn't working, maybe you can try a different approach in dealing with the situation.0 -
All that said, I am glad you come here to vent rather than take it out on her ;-)
Have some blue M&Ms, on me!0 -
My kids are relentless in things they want. I can't tell them to give up on something. Me personally I don't care what the X does or if I ever hear from her again but she should not shrug her responsibilities as a parent. She asked my daughter could she do all the senior things with her this year. Which is graduation,senior night for softball and lacrosse. Which in my mind is like her taking credit for something she has never helped with or been to. I don't think the daughter wants her there unless she miraculously changes how she is as a mother. Its not wrong to wish for what other kids have like a caring mom. Say like your son wanting a dad.
They don't try to change her anymore they just wait hoping one day she will want them again. They don't lose sleep over this though. Only when she pulls crap on them does it come to the forefront about wishing she was a different mom.0 -
I am sorry you are dealing with this, it is hard to realize people can let you down and not care. It sounds like you have done a wonderful job though as a dad, and have raised 2 great kids. I guess if you can get your kids to manage their own expectations of their mom, so they won't be as disappointed when she lets them down, that's really all you can do.0
