3rd week in, getting cold feet
ZombieChaser
Posts: 1,555 Member
I need your collective opinions on something - and please, be brutally honest with me.
The background: My last relationship was long-term - 6 yrs and we owned property/dog together etc. This (for me) ended in February 2012, but I finally broke it off in April. During that 6 year time, I was emotionally starved, and gave everything I had with little to no recriprocation. I blame myself for setting the doormat precedent though.
3 weeks ago, I met someone new - on POF, much to my surprise ( I didn't have high hopes for that site lol). We hit it off instantly. There was so much chemistry and we talked till our voices got hoarse on most nights. I let myself get carried away in the new tingly feelings - he says ALL the right things, what he wants in a partner, his future plans are totally inline with mine. We're also very physically attracted to each other (we're both very affectionate people). He's basically the opposite to everything I've grown accustomed to in a relationship. He's most definitly a giver, and has shown a willingness to help me cook, and clean up after, or make coffee in the morning. You have to understand that I've NEVER had anyone even so much as offer to keep me company in the kitchen while I cook their meal. This is all so new to me.
Why, after 3 great weeks with this new man in my life, am I suddenly scared and doubting his kindness towards me? I don't want to be suspicious of him - I truly want to believe that he's "good natured". I've also been feeling like I'm not worthy of him, or all the gestures of kindness (you know, the "little things") that he show's me. Usually when things that I normally do are done for me, it's not out of kindness, it's b/c I didn't do it (like vacuuming lol) and they're pissed off that I hadn't done it (I called it rage-cleaning).
How do I let all that go, and be able to accept the fact that he just might be a good guy like that naturally?
The background: My last relationship was long-term - 6 yrs and we owned property/dog together etc. This (for me) ended in February 2012, but I finally broke it off in April. During that 6 year time, I was emotionally starved, and gave everything I had with little to no recriprocation. I blame myself for setting the doormat precedent though.
3 weeks ago, I met someone new - on POF, much to my surprise ( I didn't have high hopes for that site lol). We hit it off instantly. There was so much chemistry and we talked till our voices got hoarse on most nights. I let myself get carried away in the new tingly feelings - he says ALL the right things, what he wants in a partner, his future plans are totally inline with mine. We're also very physically attracted to each other (we're both very affectionate people). He's basically the opposite to everything I've grown accustomed to in a relationship. He's most definitly a giver, and has shown a willingness to help me cook, and clean up after, or make coffee in the morning. You have to understand that I've NEVER had anyone even so much as offer to keep me company in the kitchen while I cook their meal. This is all so new to me.
Why, after 3 great weeks with this new man in my life, am I suddenly scared and doubting his kindness towards me? I don't want to be suspicious of him - I truly want to believe that he's "good natured". I've also been feeling like I'm not worthy of him, or all the gestures of kindness (you know, the "little things") that he show's me. Usually when things that I normally do are done for me, it's not out of kindness, it's b/c I didn't do it (like vacuuming lol) and they're pissed off that I hadn't done it (I called it rage-cleaning).
How do I let all that go, and be able to accept the fact that he just might be a good guy like that naturally?
0
Replies
-
Stop trying to think of reasons it won't work.
Enjoy it and let it grow.0 -
Ok, there are some kind people out there, first (it seems most people on these forums aren't perfect, but they a lot seem at least "decent"). So it is very possible you just met someone... normal and kind? Maybe he knows relationships are give and take. Or he likes you and wants to please you.I need your collective opinions on something - and please, be brutally honest with me.
[...]
Why, after 3 great weeks with this new man in my life, am I suddenly scared and doubting his kindness towards me? I don't want to be suspicious of him - I truly want to believe that he's "good natured". I've also been feeling like I'm not worthy of him, or all the gestures of kindness (you know, the "little things") that he show's me. Usually when things that I normally do are done for me, it's not out of kindness, it's b/c I didn't do it (like vacuuming lol) and they're pissed off that I hadn't done it (I called it rage-cleaning).
How do I let all that go, and be able to accept the fact that he just might be a good guy like that naturally?
Now to balance this, it's just been 3 weeks, so understand this: there is no emotional burnout yet, no "oh I've seen your face every freaking morning for the last 3 years so give me a break" kind of thing, maybe no physical intimacy either, etc.
So it is still the very beginning of the wannabe relationship, so everything is new and shiny and everyone is happy! Not saying that the guy will suddenly become an @sshole (or you), just that these little attentions are easier to give at the beginning of a relationship - so time will tell.
It's actually hard-ish to fake kindness, especially random acts of kindness, or a smile and a look in the eyes. I connected many times with girls in a similar fashion, so enjoy it for the moment, as it is probably sincere. And if it lasts, then you're onto a winner aren't you? If it doesn't then, you've enjoyed every day of it!
As for not feeling worthy of him, why don't you just treat him as well from time to time with a gift or a restaurant or something? Makes you feel better afterwards. Reason? Just because he's nice and it's your pleasure to do this!0 -
It hasn't been that long since you got out of a relationship in which you said yourself that you did most of the giving.
You, most likely, are WANTING to be in a relationship because it's in your nature; you're a giver and you feel good when you are with someone.
However... you probably gave so much in your previous relationship that you are scared to get roped back into something in which you might have to do that again. You are just now finding yourself; you don't want to lose yourself again.
Really... you haven't had much time to heal and work through your emotions and your fears.
You may not even know what you really want at this point.
He sounds like a great guy. BUT you're only 3 weeks in. Anyone can be great for 3 weeks. A lot of people can be great for 6 months. TAKE YOUR TIME.
But the first thing you need to do is realize this: YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE DESERVING OF A GOOD MAN. YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE. YOU HAVE SOME GREAT QUALITIES. YOU ARE WORTHY.
Get that through your head first.
Take care of you.
If you still want to get to know this man, fine. Get to know him. But don't rush anything. If he is as great as you think he is, he will be understanding. If not, his loss anyway.
You will not be able to fully give to this relationship or be in a healthy relationship until you take care of yourself and realize that you are a worthy human being who deserves to be treated right, first. Then... maybe you can concentrate on a relationship.
Just my two cents...
from experience
Best of luck to you.0 -
Three weeks? Relax. Enjoy getting to know him. Give it time.
Also, think about getting some counseling that will help you figure out why you chose what you did in your last relationship. When you figure that out, you can hopefully avoid the same in the future. You can also address why you don't feel worthy of being treated well.
Three weeks is barely enough time to know anyone. If you're not ready for a relationship, that is understandable. If you can slow your roll and give this time, great. Otherwise, you might just not be ready.0 -
I feel like you need to ask yourself are you emotionally healed from your past relationship, because it doesn't sound like you are. It seems like you have a great guy in front of you. I'd say enjoy it. People can always flip on you but it doesn't mean don't enjoy it while while you can.0
-
Holy smokes, lucky you! Your story could be mine, except the part about meeting someone who is actually helpful and giving...
I suppose it's completely normal. After all, you were in a terrible relationship, plus you barely know your new beau. But what you do know is very promising, so just go with it.
Good luck, really hope it all works out. Sounds like you deserve it.
Keep us updated!
--P0 -
I really appreciate all your honest responses. Thank you all! It's true that perhaps my old feelings haven't been fully dealt with - believe me, I wasn't ready for "us" to take off so quickly! But if this man turns out to be a real genuine person (as some of you have suggested) then it would seem to me like a wasted opportunity not to pursue this. The whole "what if"?! I'm not going to lie, I really like spending time with him, and do my very best to give back (I show my affection with food - I'm pretty dynamite in the kitchen).
I've decided that I'm going to let him in and tell him how I'm feeling, and ask that hes patient with me until I can wrap my head around everything. I really do hope he thinks I'm worth the wait
eta: spelling >.<0 -
What you wrote about, you didn't say anything remotely unusual about the guy. Things seem good. As long as things seem good, go with it!0
-
I really appreciate all your honest responses. Thank you all! It's true that perhaps my old feelings haven't been fully dealt with - believe me, I wasn't ready for "us" to take off so quickly! But if this man turns out to be a real genuine person (as some of you have suggested) then it would seem to me like a wasted opportunity not to pursue this. The whole "what if"?! I'm not going to lie, I really like spending time with him, and do my very best to give back (I show my affection with food - I'm pretty dynamite in the kitchen).
I've decided that I'm going to let him in and tell him how I'm feeling, and ask that hes patient with me until I can wrap my head around everything. I really do hope he thinks I'm worth the wait
eta: spelling >.<
Good for you! 0 -
Holy smokes, lucky you! Your story could be mine, except the part about meeting someone who is actually helpful and giving...
We could change that... if you ever came to Arkansas...
0 -
I need your collective opinions on something - and please, be brutally honest with me.
Honestly? I wish I had your problems!!
As I said on another post. It's wise to give each new guy a clean slate! Otherwise you run the risk of sabotaging your own happiness! Judge this guy by the way he treats you. NOT by what you're used to! I know that's easier said than done, but you can control your thoughts to an extent - slap yourself whenever you doubt his sincerity! - and yes, you deserve happiness. We all do! :flowerforyou:0 -
Update:
Well I spoke to him last night about how I was feeling and how I was being treated in my past relationship, in the hopes that he can understand my hesitations and doubts, and that I hope he can be patient with me with all this "newness". Even though that was difficult for me to do, I feel so much better now that it's all out in the open. After I finished, he simply took my hand and told me that he wasn't going anywhere, and said that he was lucky to have found me. Wow, that's a first for me!
I've officially been re-assured!0 -
Update:
Well I spoke to him last night about how I was feeling and how I was being treated in my past relationship, in the hopes that he can understand my hesitations and doubts, and that I hope he can be patient with me with all this "newness". Even though that was difficult for me to do, I feel so much better now that it's all out in the open. After I finished, he simply took my hand and told me that he wasn't going anywhere, and said that he was lucky to have found me. Wow, that's a first for me!
I've officially been re-assured!
yay! great to hear things are going well for ya! :drinker:0 -
Awww! Good for you! I too get randmom freak outs about the boy I am dating now. I just keep telling him when they happen and what I am feeling and he just reassures me and I move on. You are doing great!!!0
-
Update:
Well I spoke to him last night about how I was feeling and how I was being treated in my past relationship, in the hopes that he can understand my hesitations and doubts, and that I hope he can be patient with me with all this "newness". Even though that was difficult for me to do, I feel so much better now that it's all out in the open. After I finished, he simply took my hand and told me that he wasn't going anywhere, and said that he was lucky to have found me. Wow, that's a first for me!
I've officially been re-assured!
Girl, he sounds like a keeper!!!
:flowerforyou:
Is there anywhere I can get one of those??:glasses:0 -
That's great! Wish the best for you two...
Now go chase some zombies together!0 -
After I finished, he simply took my hand and told me that he wasn't going anywhere, and said that he was lucky to have found me.
Awwww! That's awesome!Girl, he sounds like a keeper!!!:flowerforyou:
Is there anywhere I can get one of those??:glasses:
I know, right?? Does he have a couple of single brothers?0 -
After I finished, he simply took my hand and told me that he wasn't going anywhere, and said that he was lucky to have found me.
Awwww! That's awesome!Girl, he sounds like a keeper!!!:flowerforyou:
Is there anywhere I can get one of those??:glasses:
I know, right?? Does he have a couple of single brothers? Thanks ladies!
He has 3 brothers - but they are all married :frown:0
This discussion has been closed.