Banging my head against a wall
rml_16
Posts: 16,414 Member
OK, I have been on POF for a week. I am reminded once again why I HATE this.
First, the guy with the photo and the ""hey" keeps writing and saying nothing but "hey." Over and over and over. Get the hint! Another one I have no interest in keeps writing "hey cutie." He sent that three times in a ROW the other day.
One that I contacted who I thought was pretty cool has dropped off the face of the planet. We were texting for a while and I sent one Friday night and didn't hear anything by Sunday night, so I texted and asked if I said something that offended him. He said no, he;'d just been busy with company all weekend. I wrote back that I hoped he enjoyed his weekend and since then ... nothing. I may have misunderstood. I thought they were leaving Sunday, but they may be staying through the holiday, so I'll wait and see about that one, but I really would like to at least meet this guy in person.
Another kind of in a roundabout way asked me to dinner and I answered, but he hasn't written back.
And, finally, a third guy who seemed like a decent choice is making me feel like I'm pulling teeth trying to have a conversation with him. I ask him a question, I get one-word answers. He likes "all kinds of movies and music."
Why aren't people normal? This is why every relationship I've ever had has started with meeting in a bar or something. I've tried online a few times and it's always like this. Or the guy who seems really cool and then makes a date with you and the day before your date writes that just the night before he met the girl of his dreams! (Yeah ... he's probably married, right? Too much of a coincidence for me.)
First, the guy with the photo and the ""hey" keeps writing and saying nothing but "hey." Over and over and over. Get the hint! Another one I have no interest in keeps writing "hey cutie." He sent that three times in a ROW the other day.
One that I contacted who I thought was pretty cool has dropped off the face of the planet. We were texting for a while and I sent one Friday night and didn't hear anything by Sunday night, so I texted and asked if I said something that offended him. He said no, he;'d just been busy with company all weekend. I wrote back that I hoped he enjoyed his weekend and since then ... nothing. I may have misunderstood. I thought they were leaving Sunday, but they may be staying through the holiday, so I'll wait and see about that one, but I really would like to at least meet this guy in person.
Another kind of in a roundabout way asked me to dinner and I answered, but he hasn't written back.
And, finally, a third guy who seemed like a decent choice is making me feel like I'm pulling teeth trying to have a conversation with him. I ask him a question, I get one-word answers. He likes "all kinds of movies and music."
Why aren't people normal? This is why every relationship I've ever had has started with meeting in a bar or something. I've tried online a few times and it's always like this. Or the guy who seems really cool and then makes a date with you and the day before your date writes that just the night before he met the girl of his dreams! (Yeah ... he's probably married, right? Too much of a coincidence for me.)
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I hate it. I haven't replied to anyone in 3 weeks now. Oopsies.0
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I don't know how much longer I'm going to bother with this. It isn't me at all. And I don't think I come across as well "on paper" as I do in real life. My sarcasm doesn't translate as well when written. lol
But I do feel like if I have to drag out your responses and you barely even ask me any questions, it probably isn't going to work out, anyway. Right?0 -
What you described is the reality of online dating. Take it with a grain of salt that none of what you described is specific to you.
And if you really don't want someone repeatedly emailing you then you need to learn where the 'block' button is, simple as that.0 -
I know it's not specific to me. I don't think I said that. It's just annoying in general.
I didn't realize there was a block button, but now I found it. Thank you.0 -
O.M.G. So teeth-pulling guy, I asked him specifically for a favorite movie, band, song and suddenly he has to go back to work.
I think I'm just going to write that one off.0 -
I do understand your frustration. I paid to join Match and felt like it was going nowhere. In three weeks, I'd only really had one person I tried to chat with and he actually stood me up an hour after making plans to talk on the phone.
Then I got some great advice on here actually.... try another site, try changing your profile up to be simple. Sarcasm DOES NOT translate, and I feel your pain. I'm a smart@ss by nature yet was trying not to do that too much so it didn't feel like me. Yet, honestly, I get it... no one wants to try to interpret whether you're funny or b*tchy!
So I tried POF with a WHOLE different profile. IT WORKED wonders! it may just be this area, maybe my profile, maybe my attitude. But I spent last night chatting with someone interesting being told"Sweet Dreams" and woke up to a text from someone else I'm talking with who said "Good Morning Beautiful!" What an amazing way to start the day....
So take that for what it is. Get out of your own comfort zone and still be you but seeing what works. I'm still not sold on online dating myself, but if I want things to change, I need to try something different and not get emotionally invested. Doesn't mean that's online dating... so what else do you want to try?0 -
Only a week? Sounds like you're thinking about it way too much. They don't call it Plenty of Fish for nothing, you have to learn to not get invested emotionally or get your hopes up with anybody you are just emailing.
If they suddenly stop emailing you, it's possible he met someone, got busy, or just wasn't that into you. Either way, move on. If you are struggling making conversation with somebody, he's either really boring or just not that into you, don't waste your time, move on. When people send you random messages and you're not interested, ignore it and move on.
It sounds like you're taking the whole thing way too personally and seriously. Just have fun with it. You can't expect to meet your soul mate after a week. Anything worth having doesn't come easily. If you really want to meet someone cool it will take a little more work and patience.
If it's not for you then it's not for you. But I assume there is a reason why you joined int he first place, give it some time.0 -
I think it's the filtering process, which is so out of whack with what happens in the real (non-virtual) world.
You make contact (message, email, text) and assume you're further along in the process than the reality ("I don't understand, we texted a few times but then nothing..." etc., etc.). I think this is more like "Hi, how are you?" in a bar setting. It means practically nothing, just an initial sizing up. Also, the guy is probably texting 10 other girls at the same time, simultaneously trying to prioritize his responses, plans, strategy, etc. And if you're priority number 2 for him (or whatever), he wants to keep you around for a bit until he sees where priority number 1 is going.
I hate on-line dating and just deleted my OKC account. I think I have a POF account but I haven't logged on in a year, so I'm not sure anymore...
And yeah, sarcasm and subtle humor probably don't work so well on-line. I get a chuckle out of lots of things I write here, for example, but I get the feeling I'm the only one... ;-)
Good luck.
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Thanks, NC. My profile is already pretty simple and pared down. I may try another site, but since I'm really just looking to meet a few people and not trying to find "the one," I don't want to pay for anything.
I'm less frustrated about no contact at all than by the ones who seem very interested and then disappear for no obvious reason. What is that about???0 -
I just want to make the point that I don't take it personally. I know this is not a unique experience. I just find it frustrating that basic common courtesy doesn't exist or something. Even in a bar, if it's not clicking, someone at least says, "Hey nice to meet you, see ya!"
You aren't talking to a guy and then his poofs.0 -
Thanks, NC. My profile is already pretty simple and pared down. I may try another site, but since I'm really just looking to meet a few people and not trying to find "the one," I don't want to pay for anything.
I'm less frustrated about no contact at all than by the ones who seem very interested and then disappear for no obvious reason. What is that about???
I have no idea, and I quit worrying about it. If it makes you feel better... I emailed or winked 65 guys on Match and got NO RESPONSE in three weeks, haha. One guy messaged, text, left voice mail, and planned a time to talk 1.5 hours later and I have never heard from him again since. WTF? Not saying it didn't suck, but that's why I tried something different.
We're great so it couldn't be you or I, right? In three days on POF, I've gotten literally 25 messages or more. A lot more junk (though no junk SHOTs yet, haha), but I've found a few worth talking to and that's all you need to get started. I haven't even started looking for someone myself since I'm already corresponding with several. Doesn't mean it'll work with them, but I can tell you I feel more confident and am learning how to work with it!
Try adding more to your profile then. Try another free site. Don't give up... one week's time is not enough, and I'm saying that when I wanted to scream after one week too! It gets better if you keep trying. The rest is out of your hands! As cliche'd as it sounds, trying the same thing and expecting change is insanity!
Find partners in this to help with profiles and ask questions from friends on how to handle things...Oh, and listen to Roadie... he's been a good gut check partner for me, even if he is a hot mess :laugh:0 -
Why aren't people normal? This is why every relationship I've ever had has started with meeting in a bar or something. I've tried online a few times and it's always like this. Or the guy who seems really cool and then makes a date with you and the day before your date writes that just the night before he met the girl of his dreams! (Yeah ... he's probably married, right? Too much of a coincidence for me.)
I can definitely understand this. It's either been this for me, or as soon as a girl breaks up with me because she's not ready for something serious she marries the next dude (seriously, this has happened 4 legitimate times I know of). People (I won't make this gender specific), are just generally weird, and dumb. I really wish I knew how to fix this because it's pretty damn annoying.
And hey, you're in florida! lol0 -
First off, POF isn't exactly a top notch dating site. Frankly, it's slim pickin's even with the millions of men on there.
It's the internet(or texting), there is no body language and it can be hard to tell if a conversation is actually going well, or if you just think it is. If a guy stops talking to you... It sucks, but obviously it wasn't what you thought it was and you can move on.
If it feels forced, or more like work than a pleasant activity(which it should be), then it's not worth the trouble. If something is right, the conversation flows naturally and shouldn't frustrate you in the way that it is.
Good luck! But I'd stay away from POF & OkCupid.0 -
Maybe you are just frustrated but you sound kind of desperate. Not desperate like "oh God I have to have a man in my life" but desperate in the sense of "please find me worthy. I need confirmation that a desireable man finds me attractive." Anyone who has been on one of these sites for any length of time knows it's no quick fix. People misrepresent themselves, lie about their height, weight, age, children, education, income, whether they smoke, etc. There is no reason to be so hopeful and emotionally invested without meeting the person to make sure Mr. Hunk with the slim waist, big muscles, and great career, isn't actually short, bald fat and living in his parent's basement. They guys you are interacting with are probably more experienced with the online dating and aren't going to go all out, emotionally invest, and reschedule everything in their life just to meet you or even send an email. They've never met you and don't know whether much of your profile is true or not.
As far as trying to pull teeth to get a response out of them. It appears that communication skills are important to you. Why are you pursuing the one liner guy so aggressively? He has repeatedly indicated that he doesn't have a key skill that you desire.0 -
Maybe you are just frustrated but you sound kind of desperate. Not desperate like "oh God I have to have a man in my life" but desperate in the sense of "please find me worthy. I need confirmation that a desireable man finds me attractive."
Nah. I don't feel that way. If I needed that, I'd just go back to the guy I just split with or go to a bar and turn it on a little. But I don't enjoy going to bars and the guys can get a little too grabby in those situations, so I'm trying to avoid it. I'm just in a weird place right now.
My frustration is not so much with getting or not getting attention as it is that when you DO communicate with someone, basic manners seems to not matter. I don't have a lot of patience for rudeness is all. Like I said, why can't they just be normal?
I mean, years ago I met a guy online and we talked on the phone and he was really nice-looking in his photo and smart and all sorts of things. I REALLY liked the guy. But then we met. He didn't really look like his photo (which I could get past, honestly, because I liked HIM so much) but he smelled. Like really smelled. And not BO but that smell where you haven't washed your clothes or your hair in a year kind of smell.As far as trying to pull teeth to get a response out of them. It appears that communication skills are important to you. Why are you pursuing the one liner guy so aggressively? He has repeatedly indicated that he doesn't have a key skill that you desire.
I've only "talked" to him twice.0 -
Get out and meet people in person. Seek easy conversations where there is good flow and chemistry. Best wishes!0
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Get out and meet people in person. Seek easy conversations where there is good flow and chemistry. Best wishes!
Thanks. I do that, too. But there is only so much time! I've been trying for two weeks to get together with one of my closest friends.
(FYI -- single mom here.)0 -
Thanks, NC. My profile is already pretty simple and pared down. I may try another site, but since I'm really just looking to meet a few people and not trying to find "the one," I don't want to pay for anything.
I'm less frustrated about no contact at all than by the ones who seem very interested and then disappear for no obvious reason. What is that about???
Think of it this way...you have had conversations with multiple guys on there so it is likely they are having the same with ladies.
If one of these guys had come through then likely you would have walked away from the rest too.
Not saying you would have without a word,especially if you had gotten friendly,but doubt it would be very detailed either.0 -
Only a week? Sounds like you're thinking about it way too much. They don't call it Plenty of Fish for nothing, you have to learn to not get invested emotionally or get your hopes up with anybody you are just emailing.
If they suddenly stop emailing you, it's possible he met someone, got busy, or just wasn't that into you. Either way, move on. If you are struggling making conversation with somebody, he's either really boring or just not that into you, don't waste your time, move on. When people send you random messages and you're not interested, ignore it and move on.
It sounds like you're taking the whole thing way too personally and seriously. Just have fun with it. You can't expect to meet your soul mate after a week. Anything worth having doesn't come easily. If you really want to meet someone cool it will take a little more work and patience.
If it's not for you then it's not for you. But I assume there is a reason why you joined int he first place, give it some time.
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Why aren't people normal? This is why every relationship I've ever had has started with meeting in a bar or something. I've tried online a few times and it's always like this. Or the guy who seems really cool and then makes a date with you and the day before your date writes that just the night before he met the girl of his dreams! (Yeah ... he's probably married, right? Too much of a coincidence for me.)
I agree with you wholeheartedly! I went out with a guy once, we had a great time, exchanged texts over the next couple of days both stating we'd like to go out again and then he just fell of the face of the Earth. It's so frustrating!0 -
you know girls do the same things to guys. me personally i always call and text and if its not a flame i try to make it a friendship and if its not a friendship then i will tell you i dont wish to be friends. harsh, yes but honest. i have had the same experience online and i have recently gave up on it again. just remeber for every guy out there that does this to you there is a girl that did it to him. guys are just as frustrated as you my advice..just keep being honest and at some point you will find the match but yes it will take a lot of bad dates and a lot of frustation0
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