I was sexually abused by an uncle from 8-12, then after having been sexualized, I began to carry on a mutual "fwb" with another kid my age. I was a messed up kid on so many levels, full of secrets,lies, trying to pull off the best little boy in the world routine to avoid notice. I was afraid that if anyone looked at me long enough they'd see the shame on me. Having been through all that, I was hyper vigilant of my surroundings, didn't trust anyone, always felt vulnerable.

I was thin all the way through my teens, being only 5' 8" I always felt small and didn't like that feeling, it made me feel vulnerable. I started working in a resturaunt when I was 17 and in one year I put on 50 lbs. At first I liked the extra "bulk", I didn't feel so small & vulnerable anymore. I didn't mind 215, I felt safer.

Over the years I put more and more on. Slowly it goes on and you don't even notice, except for clothes not fitting anymore, but new bigger clothes fix that. I began punishing myself with food, as wierd as that was, I saw large portions as a sign of success, lots of wacky thoughts about food came about. I can pin point the csa as it's starting point though.

Ten years of physicals, meds& " the talk" from my doctor due to the weight didn't shake me out of the weight stupor, it wasn't till my knee screwed up bad did I awake and say enough is enough.

Yes, I'd like to get back to the body that I should've had all along. I didn't think about it that way till I read your thread, might have been in my mind somewhere deep, but damnit...I'm taking that back too!