Harry Comes Out
harrynich
Posts: 34 Member
This is an essay I wrote last year for National Coming Out Day.
HARRY COMES OUT
It’s National Coming Out Day. This is a special day for many of us. It means we get to feel twice as anxious as we do on the 364 other days of the year, because today our coming out is supposed to feel brave and we’re supposed to feel proud. Well, I actually do feel those things a lot of the time, and I might in fact try to be a little more out—
If I could get out. But right now I’m sick and stuck at home and have been for weeks and today I have no way to come out except on Facebook. If I were well I could come out at the grocery store. In the checkout line with Wayne I could say within earshot of the checker and the bagger, “Hey honey—did we get oatmeal?” Yes, that would be a big deal. We gay people don’t get to say that without thinking first, “Is it safe? Is it worth the risk? Am I going to have to deal with a look, words, even physical threats?”
People think that coming out is like what happens when Anderson Cooper comes out. “One day you’re in and the next day you’re out,” to quote Heidi Klum speaking to Project Runway fashion design contestants about the folly of even getting up in the morning. Anderson looks the same now, except he can be a little more silly talking about Star Jones. He can, in fact, have a flame war on Twitter with her if he wants. Note bene: not all gay men do want to have a flame war with Star Jones but very few of us don’t wonder what it would actually be like. But Anderson has reported from the devastation of the tsunami in Sri Lanka, the Niger famine, the aftermath of Katrina, the Cedar Revolution in Beirut, and most scary of all the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. He’s peculiarly equipped to handle Star. I’d probably just cry if she said my coming out was to boost my ratings.
No, coming out is endless. You get up in the morning and start coming out and you come out all day until you go to sleep. Sometimes you dream you’re coming out. Here are some examples of how you come out: (1) You go to the movies and think about holding hands but worry that even though it’s pretty dark if anyone sees two men doing it they will either get disgusted just because you’re two men or assume that you are depraved and doing disgusting things, so you have to think it carefully through. (2) You go to the doctor and you ask your partner to come in with you, and because he’s an Episcopal priest, the doctor says, “Is this your minister?” and you have to say, “Well, no, he’s my partner.” Even though you’ve been married in your church and, well, that really segues right into (3) You have to decide every time you introduce him to someone whether to say, “This is my partner,” or “this is my husband.” A lot of times you have to simply leave it at “This is Wayne, he’s the priest at the Episcopal Church.” (4) You go to a wedding. It’s getting close to the dancing part of the wedding. You feel just a little sick to your stomach. We have danced a few times, but only at the insistence of the Bride and Groom. Notice: Bride and Groom. (5) You have to go to an emergency room in St. Louis, Missouri. They tell you you’re going to have to stay for a few days, and you keep asking them to bring you papers where you can designate your husband as someone who can actually visit you, find out about you, make decisions for you. Over the course of five days no hospital employee in this very nice and very Catholic hospital brings you any such papers. (5b) While you’re lying in the hospital ER in earshot of many other patients, the ER doc comes in and says “I’ve just been made aware of your situation.” “My what?” “You’re orientation. I strongly, strongly urge you to get an HIV test.” Seriously. I suppose this wasn’t really coming out, except sometimes you don’t do the coming out yourself, others do it for you. I did not take the HIV test. I said, “I was part of a group of men who wrote the first safe sex information with respect to AIDS in history. You were in diapers. I know my status.” This hospital was, I think, otherwise very good and they took good care of me there. But the whole time I was there I kept thinking of a woman I went to college with who recently said in a conversation we were both part of, “Well, I’m a nurse and a Catholic, and though I’m against homosexuality, I don’t have a problem letting a friend visit when it seems easy to do so. Many of them actually do seem to have real affection for each other.” Sometimes you can’t simply believe that one person alone can combine such formidable stupidity, insensitivity, bigotry, and ignorance in one fell swoop.
I could go on and on with these. Here’s a few stated briefly. I’ll let you fill in the details: buying a house in a town you are just moving to because your husband has a new job there, going to weddings of parishioners where you will encounter the kids they went to high school with who are incredibly uncomfortable having you there (I don’t go any more after two times having been epitheted); and of course the ever popular having none of your friends at your funeral when coming out is impossible and your family has forbidden them, and your husband, to attend and you can’t do anything about it because you don’t have the papers that wouldn’t be recognized in their state anyway (I experienced this with more than a few friends.)
HARRY COMES OUT
It’s National Coming Out Day. This is a special day for many of us. It means we get to feel twice as anxious as we do on the 364 other days of the year, because today our coming out is supposed to feel brave and we’re supposed to feel proud. Well, I actually do feel those things a lot of the time, and I might in fact try to be a little more out—
If I could get out. But right now I’m sick and stuck at home and have been for weeks and today I have no way to come out except on Facebook. If I were well I could come out at the grocery store. In the checkout line with Wayne I could say within earshot of the checker and the bagger, “Hey honey—did we get oatmeal?” Yes, that would be a big deal. We gay people don’t get to say that without thinking first, “Is it safe? Is it worth the risk? Am I going to have to deal with a look, words, even physical threats?”
People think that coming out is like what happens when Anderson Cooper comes out. “One day you’re in and the next day you’re out,” to quote Heidi Klum speaking to Project Runway fashion design contestants about the folly of even getting up in the morning. Anderson looks the same now, except he can be a little more silly talking about Star Jones. He can, in fact, have a flame war on Twitter with her if he wants. Note bene: not all gay men do want to have a flame war with Star Jones but very few of us don’t wonder what it would actually be like. But Anderson has reported from the devastation of the tsunami in Sri Lanka, the Niger famine, the aftermath of Katrina, the Cedar Revolution in Beirut, and most scary of all the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. He’s peculiarly equipped to handle Star. I’d probably just cry if she said my coming out was to boost my ratings.
No, coming out is endless. You get up in the morning and start coming out and you come out all day until you go to sleep. Sometimes you dream you’re coming out. Here are some examples of how you come out: (1) You go to the movies and think about holding hands but worry that even though it’s pretty dark if anyone sees two men doing it they will either get disgusted just because you’re two men or assume that you are depraved and doing disgusting things, so you have to think it carefully through. (2) You go to the doctor and you ask your partner to come in with you, and because he’s an Episcopal priest, the doctor says, “Is this your minister?” and you have to say, “Well, no, he’s my partner.” Even though you’ve been married in your church and, well, that really segues right into (3) You have to decide every time you introduce him to someone whether to say, “This is my partner,” or “this is my husband.” A lot of times you have to simply leave it at “This is Wayne, he’s the priest at the Episcopal Church.” (4) You go to a wedding. It’s getting close to the dancing part of the wedding. You feel just a little sick to your stomach. We have danced a few times, but only at the insistence of the Bride and Groom. Notice: Bride and Groom. (5) You have to go to an emergency room in St. Louis, Missouri. They tell you you’re going to have to stay for a few days, and you keep asking them to bring you papers where you can designate your husband as someone who can actually visit you, find out about you, make decisions for you. Over the course of five days no hospital employee in this very nice and very Catholic hospital brings you any such papers. (5b) While you’re lying in the hospital ER in earshot of many other patients, the ER doc comes in and says “I’ve just been made aware of your situation.” “My what?” “You’re orientation. I strongly, strongly urge you to get an HIV test.” Seriously. I suppose this wasn’t really coming out, except sometimes you don’t do the coming out yourself, others do it for you. I did not take the HIV test. I said, “I was part of a group of men who wrote the first safe sex information with respect to AIDS in history. You were in diapers. I know my status.” This hospital was, I think, otherwise very good and they took good care of me there. But the whole time I was there I kept thinking of a woman I went to college with who recently said in a conversation we were both part of, “Well, I’m a nurse and a Catholic, and though I’m against homosexuality, I don’t have a problem letting a friend visit when it seems easy to do so. Many of them actually do seem to have real affection for each other.” Sometimes you can’t simply believe that one person alone can combine such formidable stupidity, insensitivity, bigotry, and ignorance in one fell swoop.
I could go on and on with these. Here’s a few stated briefly. I’ll let you fill in the details: buying a house in a town you are just moving to because your husband has a new job there, going to weddings of parishioners where you will encounter the kids they went to high school with who are incredibly uncomfortable having you there (I don’t go any more after two times having been epitheted); and of course the ever popular having none of your friends at your funeral when coming out is impossible and your family has forbidden them, and your husband, to attend and you can’t do anything about it because you don’t have the papers that wouldn’t be recognized in their state anyway (I experienced this with more than a few friends.)
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wow. this is awesome. My partner isn't a minister, but my best friend is. So is her partner. They are raising two kids together. The parishoners of one church had a bit of a hard time deciding to call the one because she is out and doesn't hide. But ultimately, they called her partly because of that. They knew that if they were going to walk as close to the path of Jesus that they could, they would have to be okay with being a bit uncomfortable-until they were comfortable, they would have to be welcoming to all kinds of people, and my friend could lovingly and gently guide them there-until they could find their own way. My best friend's congregation is a diverse mixture of people all along the kinsian scale, so they were already there with one another.
And doctors, I definitely feel you there... There I was, just days after being told that I had cancer, waiting in the exam room for the ONLY gynecological oncologist in my city. My partner was with me. The doctor comes in and introduces himself. I introduce myself and Deb as my partner. He is friendly, leans back and asks how long we had been together. we said 13 years. He then asks if we believe we shouold be allowed to get married. We said of course. He spent the next 30-40 minutes telling us how gays, unwed mothers and black people are ruining our country. He was THE ONLY doctor in our city. He was the only one in the next big city to our north as well. I had just been diagnosed with cancer and I was trapped like a rat. Then, I had to get naked and let him do an exam. he pulled on one glove, pulled on and snapped the other (as I was spread eagled in the stirrups), moved closer and said, "so, (snap of the glove) what do you think of Al Gore?" When he was done, I felt exactly like I did when I had been raped twenty years earlier. I felt weak and dirty and I didn't care if the cancer killed me, I would not go back to his office ever again. Deb and I were both in so much shock, we just froze.
I tried to write a letter to the medical board, but every time I wrote one, I sounded like a hysterical mess, because I was one. I had cancer. I could no longer choose to have a kid. I wasn't even 40 yet. I felt violated. And this man with the power to determine who keeps their uterus and who doesn't said outright that any woman on public assistance should not be allowed to get pregnant. (that was not me, but was friends). that same man said that because I am a lesbian it doesn't matter if the radiation makes sex impossible for the rest of my life because of potential side effects and permanent scarring because lesbians don't really have sex anyway. And to top it off, my hormones were totally whacked, in and of itttself messing with by brain, my equilibrium. (The physical part of that trauma has mostly been resolved. Sort of. The emotional scarring still burns loud and clear.) And he said he wouldn't operate on me because I was too fat. The gynecologist who referred me refused to call me back, and when I dropped by her office, she refused to see me. I told her nurses that she needed to refer me to U of M in Ann Arbor, or I would refuse treatment because I felt violated by the doctor she sent me to. A referral showed up in my mailbox. No apology or acknowledgement of what I had revealed about her colleague.
Even now, seven years later, as I write this my blood pressure rises, my hands feel clammy, and fear and shame flood my mind. But not my spirit. He will never hold power over that part of me.
My citty no longer has a Gyn Oncologist. His contract was mysteriously not renewed. I suspect it's because I did finally tell one of the hospital administrators, off the record. This doctor still practices in the city to the north. I tell this to any woman I meet who is diagnosed with cervical, uterine or ovarian cancer in my area. Deb told my ex sister in law, a doctor across the state, so she knows not to make referrals to him (especially low income, minority or lesbian patients). She had made referrals to him before because he was the only one in her area as well.
As far as the funeral stuff, well, we have also faced that. My partner has a terminal illness and her sister totally disregarded their dad's religious convictions and tossed out his pre-paid funeral arrangements so she could cremate him and stick him on her mantle. She told us 4 days after he died, onnce his ashes were securely in her hands.
So, yes, marriage is important. Marriage Equality would never have gotten this far without stories like ours and yours. It will continue to spread because people like us come out, tell our stories and let the world- one person at a time-understand that we love and fear and hurt the same way everyone else does.
Thanks for sharing this. It is beautiful. It is powerful. It is Love. It is You.0 -
You are such a beautiful person Harry. I am sorry for all you have gone through. You are awe inspiring!0
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I am in awe at the strength of this, and I can not think you enough for sharing it! I will not pretend to understand the daily struggles, that my friends, and their partners (be it husbands or wives) have to face. To have to contemplate even the basic affections in public to me is unacceptable. There is no one!!! NO ONE who should have the right to judge a person for anything they choose in life the brings them love, and happiness. EVERYONE should be equal with equal rights always, and why this is even debatable is beyond me!
I am saddened daily that there has to be contemplation over this. We are all loving, giving human beings. We are all put here on the Earth to love, and help. We are all different, and unique. There should never be a need to feel like we must hide ourselves from the world, or loved ones, and NEVER over who we choose to love, and share our lives with! If people could remove the blinders that hold back their field of vision to allow them to see the grand view of the world.......what a grand place it would be!
I literally feel a crushing on my heart, an ache so deep it makes me physically ill that people can not get past judging one another for any choice that we make, and who we love. I applaud you for your strength, your courage, your ability to share down to the simplest of struggles, and to the larger ones as well! Everyday I see a little more light at the end of the tunnel for my dear loved ones, and friends. However, I understand it is a long treacherous road that has to still be yet traveled to reach the goals you seek. I only hope to be half as brave as you Sir in my life time, and have really no words that can truly express my adoration for you as a fellow human being. So, thank you so very much, for standing up and being brave enough today, and the other 364 days of the year, and for everyday you are here on this planet, and beyond!0 -
So, you got me to freaking cry, you awesome writer, you.
I live in Arizona, one of the lands of the craptastic anti-gay marriage laws. My daughter came out to me when she was 11 and even knowing my orientation and my views, she was so terrified that it would somehow CHANGE how I thought of her that it broke my heart. And I see her struggle with this, all the time, although that child has guts and a half and just plunges in, no-holds-barred, flinging herself out there for everybody to like it or lump it. She's braver than I am by far.
But watching her and her friends, now 16, 17, 18...it gives me hope. Because so many of them simply DO NOT CARE. If one likes boys, girls, both, or neither - it makes no never mind to any of them. They view politicians and leaders who DO care with disdain for their ignorant bigotry. They are disgusted by the state's laws. The romantics among them will coo over any romantic relationship around, regardless of sexual preferences.
They aren't voting yet, they aren't in power, but still, there is something here that renews my faith in humanity and the direction we're going.0
