Reflections: Things I'm Doing Wrong
jkern9110
Posts: 119 Member
Good Morning MFP-VSGer Friends! First I want to thank you all for sharing your journey. It is wonderful to share in your triumphs and see how you handle the speed bumps. You all inspire me to do better!
Today, I want to reflect on my journey since having VSG in September 2013.
I started my journey with an undeniable sense of determination. Failing at getting and staying healthy in the past would remain that way; in the past. I would be the success story! I made a promise that I would do things the right way: follow my doctor and nutritionists guidelines for food intake, follow the diet stages appropriately, and I would get off of the couch.
I started at 298. The first 30 pounds lost melted away with ease. I call those first thirty pounds my "surgery freebie." After that, every pound lost was work. I logged everything on MFP, stayed under 1000 calories, got in all of my protein and water, and I worked out about 3 times a week. I kept this up for the first 8-9 months and lost about 83 pounds. I worked hard for that loss, but it never seemed quite real.
From month 9 through13, I have struggled. My determination has faltered. I will follow my plan for a few days and then fall off of the band wagon, HARD! Since having my gallbladder removed at month eleven, I will binge on Oreos and chips...as much as my sleeve will allow, which is more than I thought. The cookies and chips are not in my house for anyone else...I will specifically buy them to binge eat them. Some switch in my head has flipped back to the old Jessica and I need to figure out why! Yesterday, I began anew for what seems like the thousandth time. When I reset, I always have that same since of determination that I had when I began this journey. This week, I decided that I need to try and dig deeper into the "why" so that I don't have to do this again. I want this time to be the last time that I have to reset and start over.
I am having a problem with identifying that "why" and was hoping that each of you could share your "why."
Today, I want to reflect on my journey since having VSG in September 2013.
I started my journey with an undeniable sense of determination. Failing at getting and staying healthy in the past would remain that way; in the past. I would be the success story! I made a promise that I would do things the right way: follow my doctor and nutritionists guidelines for food intake, follow the diet stages appropriately, and I would get off of the couch.
I started at 298. The first 30 pounds lost melted away with ease. I call those first thirty pounds my "surgery freebie." After that, every pound lost was work. I logged everything on MFP, stayed under 1000 calories, got in all of my protein and water, and I worked out about 3 times a week. I kept this up for the first 8-9 months and lost about 83 pounds. I worked hard for that loss, but it never seemed quite real.
From month 9 through13, I have struggled. My determination has faltered. I will follow my plan for a few days and then fall off of the band wagon, HARD! Since having my gallbladder removed at month eleven, I will binge on Oreos and chips...as much as my sleeve will allow, which is more than I thought. The cookies and chips are not in my house for anyone else...I will specifically buy them to binge eat them. Some switch in my head has flipped back to the old Jessica and I need to figure out why! Yesterday, I began anew for what seems like the thousandth time. When I reset, I always have that same since of determination that I had when I began this journey. This week, I decided that I need to try and dig deeper into the "why" so that I don't have to do this again. I want this time to be the last time that I have to reset and start over.
I am having a problem with identifying that "why" and was hoping that each of you could share your "why."
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Replies
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Wow--- sounds like you are in a hard place. It can be scary to end up in that cycle of on and off the "wagon" and to feel like there is no control. I am not sure I have a solid "why".... I can tell you that over the last few months I have been focusing on loving myself. On making loving choices. Sugar makes me physically ill. It takes away my ability to regulate what I eat (when I eat sugar, all bets are off--- I just keep eating and eating and eating, even if I am not remotely hungry). Eating sugar hurts me. It is not a loving choice. So, if I am committed to loving myself, I will not eat food that makes me sick.
Also (and I say this a lot, but it is what works for me), I ask myself the question, "What am I committed to?". Am I committed to my health? Am I committed to eating for nourishment? Am I committed to eating as a way of punishing myself because I do not believe I deserve health? Am I committed to sabotage? Answering that very important question has helped me make choices that consistently reflect my goals. It also takes away any excuse. I cannot say I am committed to health and then eat garbage. Just does not work. I have to then be honest and say I am not committed to health more than I am committed to eating for pleasure/to stuff emotions/to relax, etc.
Wishing you all of the best.
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I was at confession with my priest, a former physician. I spoke to him about my lifelong struggle with gluttony. He helped me to see that I was medicating with food like every addict. He reminded me that a rich full life will be filled with stress, death, boredom, disease, destitution, divorce, uncertainty and no guarantees. If you want to be healthy you have to grow to accept this and feel all that life has to offer without turning to food pleasure for distraction from the hard parts of life. He pointed out that the best things in life require effort and when we care we will put forth the effort and the effort will become its own reward. I can not describe the clarity that comes into your world when you choose to stand in the rain of Life and have that moment of realization that you will not drown. Warning.....gonna open a can of Catholic on you. Here is my advice, run to God, not Oreos. Feel Life and the feelings will pass. I used to preload on 1500 calories of food pleasure to start every day...just like an alcoholic's morning drink to keep them functional. Now I do my morning prayer and head to Zumba or the jog with my parents dog. I like to pray the Rosary when I jog with the dog( worlds shortest jog - it only lasts 18 min) . I go to daily Mass several times a week- like any addict I need support group to remind me of the benefits of making heroic choices. I also have WLS support group on the 4 th Thursday of the month. I need support now during maintenance more than ever. A recent cataclysmic death in the family has reordered my world. In the South this means mountains of tasty rich food are delivered to your door. We made arrangements to divert all but the healthy food immediately. I recognized the pull of my addiction but chose to fully immerse myself in grieving and making the funeral arrangements as our beloved would have wanted. I cry every day and likely will for a long time to come but it is a testament of a life well lived. I want to have that life. A life where I am living Christ's message. it has taken me 43 years to get on a happy path and I now guard it jealously. My binge foods never comforted, rescued or helped me. They only distracted me from the hard parts of life(sadly, these are the times that yield the most Grace if faced with fortitude) I have a lot of time to make up to myself and my family. I don't want to return to stealing that time and effort from myself or my family. Praying for you. You can do this, you are worth it.0
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My 'why' was a combination of things (as are all of ours, I suspect). I had always been a big, athletic guy. Even as my weight continued to rise, I was playing softball, walking the golf course carrying my clubs, coaching and playing basketball. I never had the real negatives of being as heavy as I was. Until I hit 40. Within only a couple of years, my hips became arthritic after 40 years of the heavy pounding I subjected them to; my blood pressure and cholesterol started to rise and I had to start giving up my sports and activities. I started to look into the future and see no fun at all as I started to physically spiral down.
I did not react to this well, I started drinking more and eating more, especially at night when everyone else in the house went to bed. In the past, I would react to a new high in weight by eating and exercising well for 4-6 months and getting back to a mid-300s weight, where I could function again, but this last time, the combination of inability to exercise like I once could, and seeing an ugly future, I realized that 1) I probably couldn't physically do it anymore, and 2) that mid-300s wasn't success.
Once I was mentally committed to having the surgery, I followed the pre-surgery plan with a vengance, finding an exercise I could tolerate and eating the 1500 calories/100g of protein pre-surgery plan that was laid out for me and losing 102 pounds pre-surgery. I have 60 more to go to hit my initial goal weight of "overweight" by the BMI scale. I am confident that I will be able to do that, and then reassess my goals and ability to maintain.
I hope you can get back to the behaviors and habits that made you successful. I have heard that therapy has helped many here, and I may look into it if i find myself struggling in the future.
Good luck, and we are all pulling for you!
Rob
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Thanks Mango- I always look forward to your responses when someone has a tough issue. It's really a comitment you have to make every day. It's hard every day, but it's better to have a hard commited day, then a hard night becuase you didn't meet your goals and go to sleep feeling like garbage. I'm 7 months out and there's some bad days that get in there, but I'm aware, and I try to correct as soon as possible- and that makes it possible to keep most days on point.0
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JKern, I am 3 years out now and still not to goal. I have always lost slowly and I stall often. Part of that is just how my body functions and part is lack of exercise. I hate exercise and I have arthritis from my lower spine down. With 164 pounds off so far, I am pain free 99% of the time, but I tend to injure easily, which then becomes my excuse to not exercise while I heal and there's my cycle.
As for food, the things I comforted myself with and could not control myself with prior to surgery are simply no longer part of my life. I don't want to find I still have no control over them, so I decided to just eliminate them from my life. I don't feel deprived because this is my choice, my decision. My husband respects this decision and doesn't bring those things into the house. If he really wants something on that short list, we work opposite shifts and he can get it and eat it while I'm at work and sometimes he does. Food is fuel to me these days. I still enjoy eating, some things more than others, but nothing is that big a deal to me anymore except maybe a good cup of coffee.
I don't know if I have an real "why". I'm still working the plan even though my losses now are few and far between. I want to get below 200 pounds, maybe even all the way to my goal weight of 160. Some days I feel like I can get to that 160 and other days, like today for instance, I wonder if my doctor was right and I'm going to land around 220. I've been stuck at 222 now for several weeks.
But, I haven't given up and I haven't given in. I just can't fail myself again. I cannot go back to 386 pounds and a limited life because I'm too big, in too much pain, feel like the elephant in the room, etc.
Maybe Rob is right and you could really benefit from some counseling or a support group. I know Mangopickle is right about medicating ourselves with food and the need for God. I know I couldn't do this without God in my life. Prayer is sometimes what keeps me going on days like today when I'm feeling fat and discouraged and wondering if I'm doomed to be stuck above 200 forever.
So clean the chips and oreos out of the house, put on some good walking shoes, grab a bottle of water and walk off your "want to eat" mood. Do something positive for yourself that's not food related. And hang in there. We are here for you, we've been where you are, we all struggle from time to time, and we all are continuing to work on the new and healthier us. You can do this, you have the tool (surgery) and the knowledge on how to use it. We believe in you.
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I haven't had my surgery yet, but from all the starts/stops of diets through the years, I have come to understand, if not control, my "why". Somewhere in my life, I started to equate food with my emotions. If I was happy or wanted to celebrate, I had a food treat. If I were sad or upset, I needed a food treat. If I worked hard I deserved a food treat. Every emotion somehow wrapped around food. Plus, when I was having that food treat, I needed all of it, not just a small portion. That is what I have been working on, trying to figure out how to deal with emotions without involving food. It is not easy because I have been living my life this way for so many years. But, I know if I don't learn to make the changes and find other ways to express or acknowledge my emotions, I will fail despite my surgery. I don't want that to happen. I hope you find your "why" and deal with it head-on so you can get back on track. Best wishes.0
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Wow! Each one of you are amazing! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I identified with a lot of your comments and the following are my biggest realizations:
1. I'm not living my life as though I love myself. I should try to motivate myself from a place of love, not fear. (Thanks Thaeda)
2. I am a greedy eater. When Mangopickle spoke of gluttony, that resonated with me. I need to figure out why I succumb to the feeling that I need to eat more than is necessary.
3. I "binge" to avoid feelings, whether I'm happy, stressed, sad, etc. I crave those bad foods when I feel even slightly emotionally overwhelmed. The bad foods never remedy the emotion I was "medicating" for and even add on some extra feelings of guilt.
4. I think I settled. I'm not sure if this is the message that ryle111 and pawoodhull were sending, but when reading each comment, I realized that I had settled for good enough. Well, no more! This is not good enough! I know that I can achieve the goal that I set out to accomplish. I have done well, but I can't just give up now that it has gotten harder.
I am too critical of myself. Moving forward, I will try to motivate myself from a place of love, not fear or anger. When I feel myself starting to give in to the temptation to medicate with food, I will try and assess right then why I want to do that. I will question my choices as I make them to ensure that every choice is made with the overall picture in mind.
Thank you all so much for your input...it always helps
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yes, yes, yes!!! it must come from a place of deep love. you must love yourself and see yourself as God sees you. Then you can forgive yourself small mistakes quickly and move on instead of spiraling down into a "it's too late i might as well give up" food binge. I used to be vicious with myself. Now I try to be my own best friend and take care of my health like I do my daughter's.0
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Wow! Each one of you are amazing! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I identified with a lot of your comments and the following are my biggest realizations:
1. I'm not living my life as though I love myself. I should try to motivate myself from a place of love, not fear. (Thanks Thaeda)
You are most welcome. It sounds like you have a good place to start. I would also like to recommend ANYTHING written by Geneen Roth--- she really "gets it" when it comes to compulsive eating. I
her.
Please keep us posted on how things go for you.
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.... I started drinking more and eating more, especially at night when everyone else in the house went to bed.
Rob
Wow-- that sounds just like me a few years ago. I quit drinking in 2012, but kept eating compulsively for a year plus after that. I was surprised about how much my alcohol consumption and overeating had similar patterns. Interesting stuff.
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Well some of this sounds like me too. Pre suregery, when depressed, stressed or unhappy I wanted to eat, sleep and shop in that order. I always knew when I was battling bad feeling by wanting those three things. Since surgery I no longer want to eat, in fact something happend after surgery and I go the opposite way now and don't eat. Can't explain it, it just is for me now. I still want to shop and sleep but I only give into the sleep. Shopping is also self destructive. All it does is create more debt. So I sleep when I'm upset, depressed or stressed. Feels a lot more positive a reaction than anything else I've ever done.
JKern, I am so impressed with your intake of what we wrote and finding a way to apply it positively to your weight loss journey! You are awesome and I can see where you can be very successful! Great job kiddo!
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4. I think I settled. I'm not sure if this is the message that ryle111 and pawoodhull were sending, but when reading each comment, I realized that I had settled for good enough. Well, no more! This is not good enough! I know that I can achieve the goal that I set out to accomplish. I have done well, but I can't just give up now that it has gotten harder.
Thank you all so much for your input...it always helps
That's a great way of putting it. I knew I needed to be within 75 pounds of a healthy weight, but there weren't any real negatives associated with my weight until the physical stuff started to deteriorate, so I settled for the easiest path of being fat.
If you are thinking this deeply about your issues, I have every confidence that you will identify your path to success and you will get there! It won't be easy, but I have faith you will get there!
Rob
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.... I started drinking more and eating more, especially at night when everyone else in the house went to bed.
Rob
Wow-- that sounds just like me a few years ago. I quit drinking in 2012, but kept eating compulsively for a year plus after that. I was surprised about how much my alcohol consumption and overeating had similar patterns. Interesting stuff.
I privately refer to that as my "wallowing time"
Rob
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PA - I didn't realize that you were three years out and still working towards your goal- that's amazing! I already have days where I wonder how much longer I can stand this, and then I remember it's for life-so I should just calm down and deal with the day in front of me. Even if your stuck at that number- your not going up, your still taking good care of yourself, and still on track.0
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If you love and accept yourself 100% exactly as you are you will make taking care of you a priority and it will cease to be work. it will just be something you do, like brushing your teeth.0
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homerismyhero wrote: »PA - I didn't realize that you were three years out and still working towards your goal- that's amazing! I already have days where I wonder how much longer I can stand this, and then I remember it's for life-so I should just calm down and deal with the day in front of me. Even if your stuck at that number- your not going up, your still taking good care of yourself, and still on track.
Homeismyhero, yes I am still working towards goal. I have always lost slowly and I stall often. Some of us just do. Part of it is my inconsistent exercise. But whatever the reason, I'm not ready to be done yet. My ideal weight is 160. My doctor said he thought I would get to 200, bounce to about 220 and stay there. That's just not acceptable to me. I want to get and stay below 200. Anything I've done so far and anything I can lose in the future sure beats weighing 386. So even if I am stuck forever at 222, I'm still a success, but I'm still going to keep trying. I may even go all the way to 160, but I won't stop working the weight loss part of this plan until I'm ready to stop losing, my time, my choice. And if it takes me another 3 years, so be it.
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Good morning, MFP friends! It's been a few days since I posted this topic of discussion and I am definitely feeling more positive.
I feel as though I have been significantly less critical towards myself and I am trying to approach everything from a place of love. This process is slow going and I know that they change can't be made overnight and that I must proactively implement it every single day.
My "greedy-eater syndrome" seems to be in remission since Monday. I have made a conscious decision to question my mind and survey my body when I get hungry and want to eat. I think I have a hard time saying "no" to myself, but I'm trying to change that way of thinking. I'm in the finance industry and tend to be very money conscious. I decided to pretend that my daily calories were like dollars in my checking account and that I would only spend them on quality items. I would never overdraw my checking account so I shouldn't overdraw my calorie bank either. As my reward, calories saved=new clothes as I loose the weight!
This week I have been exhausted and stressed. Instead of eating those feelings, I just let them be and felt them. This requires a lot of self-reflection to be conscious of why I do the things I do, but I know it will pay out in the long run.
I'm not settling for 218...I have more to go and I will get there no matter how long it takes! This is a life long journey and I have to make the lasting changes now!!!
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^^^THIS^^^^ It sounds like you are definitely on the right track!! I tend to do very well and start out strong when I make a change-- and then over time my system's desire for homeostasis kicks in and I start slipping back into old thinking and old habits. As soon as I notice I am doing that, I get right back on track without judgment or punishing myself-- just notice and shift, notice and shift. Thanks so much for the update! Keep us posted you are doing GREAT!!! 0
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Jkern awesome progress report! I too am in the finance industry and your words made me realize that is exactly how I look at calories. I want to spend them on getting the most protein I can for each one and most of the time won't waste them on food/treats that aren't helping me. Good analogy!
Take it one day at a time and you will get to goal. I know it's hard, but we can do this. You have a great attitude in this last post. Hang onto it with all you've got. You are so worth the effort!
Pat0
