Attack of the peanut butter cookies!!....

Thaeda

Ok... not exactly... allow me to explain.... last night I got home from work late... again (it's been a habit the last few weeks). I ate a good dinner, and was planning on catching up on the latest episode of the Blacklist when my daughter decided it would be a good time to make peanut butter cookies. IDK what recipe she uses, but they are REALLY good. Now, if you had asked me before she made this decision if I wanted a PB cookie, I would have looked at you quizzically, wondering why you asked the question and politely declined. But, as soon as she said she was making them, all of a sudden I wanted them.

I could hardly wait til they were out of the oven and had two... I would have had more, but I just ate dinner not too long before so there was not much room (thank God). I am not making a big deal about eating the cookies---the reason I find the situation "post-worthy" is the conditions/thoughts/feelings around eating them. I was not remotely hungry. I was emotionally and physically drained. I had been working hard all week and wanted an "escape"--- escape was what I wanted. Relaxation was what I wanted-- not cookies. Yet, there is still this connection in my crazy brain that cookies=relaxation and entertainment.

I have also noticed that if I give myself a day off from logging or allow myself a "cheat day" there is NO telling where I will end up. I did this a few weekends ago and I drove to a specialty shop that makes fancy cupcakes. I bought a dozen, lying to myself that they would be for my girls (my college girl was home for the weekend and my high school girl still lives at home). Before the day was done, I had eaten FOUR cupcakes. FOUR!! I also ate potato chips, and pasta, and I do not even remember what all else-- I can tell you I was not hungry when I was eating and I was not present. I was just feeding my face and not even really enjoying the indulgences.

I went to OA (over eaters Anonymous) a few years ago. It was not a good experience for me. In the group I was a part of, you had to plan what you were going to eat each day and you were not allowed even one bite more or less than that. The strictness of that made me crazier than when I was binge-eating or restricting. At the same time, a lot of what was shared in meetings reflects the "madness" I have around food and my continued tendency to use eating/restriction to regulate/create/avoid certain feelings. Not sure where this post is headed.... ummm.... I feel like I am gaining awareness around my "food issues"-- but not sure what commitments I am ready to make with regard to my behavior and those issues. My "overeating" is FAR less frequent than before surgery (it used to be almost daily) and is at much lower levels (maybe 1000-2000 calories at a time instead of 4-8,000), but I am less concerned about that than I am the fact those tendencies are still there. I want ALL of me to be healthy-- body, mind, spirit.

I can say I am committed to continued/increased awareness of the times/ways I use food other than for nourishment. Beyond that? IDK.

rpyle111

Great post! Self awareness is a huge first step to doing something about it. I faced a bunch of my embarrassing and shameful eating behaviors as I went through my pre-surgery plan, some of them I admitted to and discussed with my wife, and some of them I just faced alone and tried to at least recognize if not overcome.

I recognize your situation with the peanut butter cookies.

Rob

Thaeda

Glad you could relate. Thx.

pawoodhull

Mine is eating in secret. Like it's somehow less self destructive if no one knows but me? Even when I'm eating to plan, I still prefer to eat alone. But if I'm going to eat something I shouldn't, you know, like it will take me over calories or it's just not healthy, and I'm not even hungry (!), 99% of the time I wait until I'm alone to do it. And I do not know why either.

So yes, Thaeda, I get it.

Thaeda

Pat,

I never thought about it-- but I have a similar tendency-- I prefer to be alone if I am going to "indulge". I know when I was a child, my mom was always on a diet (so of course the rest of us had to diet with her). I remember whenever my parents left the house, my twin and I would be looking through the cup boards and fridge-- trying to figure out what we could eat real quick before mom got back. I find when I am home alone, I still sometimes get that urge to "hurry up and eat" . Thanks much for sharing your experience with me.

asia1967

Thaeda: Thanks for sharing. I to sometimes find that there is a lot of emotions/behaviours attached to food. Some surprise me and others I expect. Like Rob said awareness is the key. We all have to take it one meal and one day at a time.

Mangopickle

There is no cheat day or meal for me, just a cheat item. Then i make myself log it. And i dont regard it as a cheat more of a treat. Because psychologically a treat is rare and singular and normal. I recognize that trigger foods items are poor treat choices and try to not select them . If i do i am aware that the pull of addiction will be strong. Focusing on how abnormal my behavior comes in those situations helps me to stop after one serving and ask myself is it really worth this much humiliation. I should feel great after eating food, not bad.

authorwriter

I take the attitude that I can eat whatever I like. If I want a pancake, I eat a pancake. And so on. The pancake doesn't taste as good as I thought and I'm done after a bite or two. I thought I wanted a donut. Too sweet. I thought I wanted potato chips. Too salty. I thought I wanted bacon. Too fatty.

When we go away for a weekend, I usually end up eating stuff not on my typical regimen of Kroger carbmaster yogurt, Kroger carbmaster milk and protein shakes with the occasional apple and peanut butter or a bit of beef or chicken. What happens is my weight fluctuates for a week after. I can't gain weight on how little i'm eating. I know it's just water weirdness and inflammation happening. But I've learned it doesn't happen when I stick to my typical regimen. I also don't get nauseated and I don't overeat.

So, those peanut butter cookies sound good to me, too. And I'd like one, next time I'm hungry. I also have a feeling they will taste to sweet and I'll fill up fast and I'll be thinking about the calcium I didn't get because I ate the cookie. The protein I gave up because of them. How with such a small stomach, I have to be wise about what I put in there.

So, yeah, the feelings are there all the time - but the reward for giving into them just isn't - not in taste, not in enjoyment and certainly not on the scale. It is a complex soup of emotions I find difficult to explain and we each have to figure out in our own time. Keep going Thaeda. You're a rock star.

Thaeda

Mangopickle wrote: »

There is no cheat day or meal for me, just a cheat item. Then i make myself log it. And i dont regard it as a cheat more of a treat. Because psychologically a treat is rare and singular and normal.

Good idea! I like this.

asia1967 wrote: »

Thaeda: Thanks for sharing. I to sometimes find that there is a lot of emotions/behaviours attached to food. Some surprise me and others I expect. Like Rob said awareness is the key. We all have to take it one meal and one day at a time.

Amen to that--- truly this is the "work" of weight loss, right--- I mean we talk about the sleeve not being a cure (and it isn't)-- for me it is a combo of diet, exercise, and this emotions-related "work" that keeps me moving forward.

authorwriter wrote: »

I take the attitude that I can eat whatever I like. If I want a pancake, I eat a pancake. And so on. The pancake doesn't taste as good as I thought and I'm done after a bite or two. I thought I wanted a donut. Too sweet. I thought I wanted potato chips. Too salty. I thought I wanted bacon. Too fatty.

When I am eating mindfully, I have a similar experience-- I find that what I thought I wanted is not all that great-- the key is in being mindful-- sometimes I am not present when I am eating.

authorwriter wrote: »

Keep going Thaeda. You're a rock star.

Why thank you! If I am it is because of the support of my family and the kind folks here in this group.

weeziebeth

Thaeda-wow, thank you so much for your self-reflection. Really great insight and openness. I am trying to work through many of my own harmful thoughts and actions around over- or mis-eating prior to surgery. I am really good at rationalizing my behavior on the one hand and a 'yep, i ate it, so what' mentality on the other....its a defensive mechanism for me. For me, growing up, there was a lot of emotional discord and whacked dysfunctional behaviors (nothing uncommon there, i know) and food was the ONE thing everyone rallied around. Sunday breakfast after a big family weekend-you might have knocked each other's teeth out or pulled their hair or yelled and screamed or whatever, but Sunday breakfast? Well...let me just give you the menu-grapefruit, scrambled or fried eggs, bacon, cheese grits, homemade biscuits, jelly or gravy, orange juice...there may or may not have been hash browns. It actually makes me nauseated thinking about it.

Anyway, I admire and respect your willingess and ability to engage in some reflection and self-evaluation. Thank you for sharing your insights, they are helpful.

Thaeda

weeziebeth wrote: »

Thaeda-wow, thank you so much for your self-reflection. Really great insight and openness. I am trying to work through many of my own harmful thoughts and actions around over- or mis-eating prior to surgery.....

Anyway, I admire and respect your willingess and ability to engage in some reflection and self-evaluation. Thank you for sharing your insights, they are helpful.

Keep doing the work-- you are worth it!!

pawoodhull

Mangopickle wrote: »

There is no cheat day or meal for me, just a cheat item. Then i make myself log it. And i dont regard it as a cheat more of a treat. Because psychologically a treat is rare and singular and normal. I recognize that trigger foods items are poor treat choices and try to not select them .

This is me too! I do not build a cheat anything into my routine. If I make the decision to eat something not to plan, so not good for me, and IT IS A DECISION, then I've blown one portion of the day, but it's one portion, not the whole day. Treats for me, other than the real occasional skinny Starbucks, are non-food related. I have come to know food is fuel, not something used as a treat or reward. So my treats are a new sweater in my "I look so good now that I'm wearing a much smaller" size, or a pair of earings I've wanted for awhile and rewarded myself with when I hit a certain goal (next one is 7 pounds away at 215!). As for my trigger foods, I don't indulge in those at all. 3 years out and I still don't know that I could control myself with one serving and not have to keep going back until it's all gone. So they are just no longer part of my life and I'm fine with that, because it's my choice.

Mangopickle, I've said before that I don't have a food addiction, but the more I read your comments and other's responses to your comments I've come to the realization that I may not have an addiction to all foods or eating per say, but I am very much addicted to my trigger foods. Not reintroducing them back into my life is one of my better decisions even if I didn't realize the why of it when I made that choice. Thank you for continuing to talk about this subject.

And Thaeda, thank you for brining up the topic. Lots of great comments and insight here.

Thaeda

pawoodhull wrote: »

And Thaeda, thank you for brining up the topic. Lots of great comments and insight here.

You bet. Probably won't be the last time.