Dying to Live- My Story
emdarling07
Posts: 24 Member
I'll start by telling you about one of the darkest days of my life. Cheery, right? It was the day I almost died. I was leaned over the toilet during one of my countless purges of the day, but something felt wrong. I was choking and eventually lost so much blood that I passed out on the bathroom floor- but not before hitting my head on the edge of the tub. I know this isn't pretty, but it's where this journey began... The beauty in this experience was that whole 'life passing before your eyes' thing, is actually a thing. I sat there with tears rolling down my face as I saw the cliffnotes version of my life; Everything in my life that lead me to this moment.
Not that it adds to the story, but I swear the Forrest Gump theme was playing in my head while I had flashbacks.
I saw myself as an overweight child, maybe five or six. Feeling so stressed and unloved that food felt like the only consistent part of my life. Then flashed into elementary school, listening to the voices of the girls I thought were my friends hide behind the teachers desk and call me fat. Jumping into my teens when my life at home fell apart. I was being abused by my step-father, and my aunt and mother were both sick; I just couldn't contain the emotional stress and I started binging and purging. Then I saw myself falling in love for the first time, and watching it grow toxic as my eating disorder worsened, and I started lying to cover up what I was doing. I got away with it for a few years, no one knew. It's hard to hide your fat, but I hid my eating disorder like a champ. In the process of hiding so much about me, I lost touch with myself.
Fast-forward a few years, and I wasn't sure what had happened, I sat on the bathroom floor in complete disbelief of what I'd become. I would binge on inhuman amounts of food. Really, people- like, "I'm sure there's a werewolf that just tipped this fridge over and hollowed it out". Nope, that'd be me. Half of my day was spent thinking about what I was going to eat, and the other half eating and purging it. I was exhausted and morbidly obese and honestly didn't care whether I lived or died.
That was who I was. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but 2 years ago I stopped binging and purging. I lost 40 pounds by simply not binging, and now my real journey to health begins. A balanced diet, exercise and mediation are my new focus. I can't wait to look as good as I feel.
I'd like to hear your stories. What was your turning point?
-Emily
Not that it adds to the story, but I swear the Forrest Gump theme was playing in my head while I had flashbacks.
I saw myself as an overweight child, maybe five or six. Feeling so stressed and unloved that food felt like the only consistent part of my life. Then flashed into elementary school, listening to the voices of the girls I thought were my friends hide behind the teachers desk and call me fat. Jumping into my teens when my life at home fell apart. I was being abused by my step-father, and my aunt and mother were both sick; I just couldn't contain the emotional stress and I started binging and purging. Then I saw myself falling in love for the first time, and watching it grow toxic as my eating disorder worsened, and I started lying to cover up what I was doing. I got away with it for a few years, no one knew. It's hard to hide your fat, but I hid my eating disorder like a champ. In the process of hiding so much about me, I lost touch with myself.
Fast-forward a few years, and I wasn't sure what had happened, I sat on the bathroom floor in complete disbelief of what I'd become. I would binge on inhuman amounts of food. Really, people- like, "I'm sure there's a werewolf that just tipped this fridge over and hollowed it out". Nope, that'd be me. Half of my day was spent thinking about what I was going to eat, and the other half eating and purging it. I was exhausted and morbidly obese and honestly didn't care whether I lived or died.
That was who I was. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but 2 years ago I stopped binging and purging. I lost 40 pounds by simply not binging, and now my real journey to health begins. A balanced diet, exercise and mediation are my new focus. I can't wait to look as good as I feel.
I'd like to hear your stories. What was your turning point?
-Emily
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Hi my name is Katie. I had and still do have an eating disorder. It is always in the back of my mind... and I don't ever think I will not have an eating disorder. It started after college. I was +250# . I started losing weight working all the time and going to nursing school in the evenings and on Saturday. I had one day off a week. I had worked my way down to about 140# and my brother told me, "I sure am glad you are losing weight. I couldn't stand to look at you before." Down the rabbit hole I went. Starving myself, binging and purging. I got down to a size 0, about 100# on my 5'6" frame. I eventually was persuaded to go for treatment and I did. I kept screwing around with my treatment plan. Eventually my weight was back up to 195#.
I have been diagnosed as Bipolar, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety and, Psychosis due to PTSD. About 3 months ago I was under a lot of stress trying to get disability because I could no longer hold down a full time job because of my mental illness and I do not want to hurt any of my patients. I was so stressed that I lost my appetite. I got an ulcer about a month ago and can't eat much... you know where this is leading... I lost 30# over the last month and a half. I started exercising too much, and here I am today.
I joined FitBit/MFP to try and eat healthier, and eat the right number of calories. My husband is terrified that I will get "sick" again. I was told by my psychiatrist that if I weighed less than 160# he wouldn't give me my ADHD medication. So no matter how much weight I would like to lose, I can't. I am exercising like crazy, but my husband doesn't mind because then I eat. My therapist on the other hand wants to restrict my exercising. So this has been an ongoing struggle between my eating disorder brain saying that I need to lose more, and my therapist and doctor.
I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found FitBit/MFP. I am 165# but I still have my goal set for 160#... stupid I know. I hope that this group will help me find some support and allow me to celebrate others success as well.
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emdarling07, thanks a lot for creating the group - MFP needs one badly. As much as it's trying to promote heathy eating, I can still see lots of anorexia encouraging going on in the forums.
I have been bulimic for 7 years now - atypical bulimia without purging, but taking insane amounts of diuretics daily. I have never been bad enough to be hospitalized, but honestly my life was *kitten*: controlled by hunger/binging/foodthoughts about 80% of the time, weak, unable to concentrate and having insane moodswings. I have tried therapy, but it didn't do much for me.
3 month ago I have started counting calories, which I have never tried before, and it's really working for me. I've been slowly increasing my intake and exercising, and managed not to put on any weight so far. I know it's too early to say, but I feel like I am on the right track now, although it's not always easy.
I will be happy to exchange experience and give support to other people going through similar things, so feel free to add or message me!I am exercising like crazy
Katie, what exactly do you do in terms of exercise? In my experience doing too much cardio can be very damaging, it leads you to insane hunger levels. I have switched to weightlifting now and it makes me feel much better: the results are more visible, it really boosts up your metabolism and you are not as hungry, especially if you eat correctly after workouts.
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Katie, I'm also glad it sounds like you have a great support system. Your goal isn't stupid AT ALL. I honestly hope that for you, one of your goals is just feeling better? It sounds like you've been through hell and back. Please be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like I'm sure you treat that gorgeous little girl in your profile picture. Be gentle and forgiving, because you're on the right path x
Mac, it's a bit blurry on MFP, isn't it? People are walking a very thin line between obsessive NOS eating disorders and dieting! But counting my calories and being accountable has helped me so much as well, so it's hard! So happy to have you here x0 -
I am doing mainly cardio... about 40 minutes a day. I just started to do some weights... well, cans of vegetables and doing some calisthenics. I am watching to see if I feel increased hunger, but so far as long as I get my calories in I am doing pretty well. I will see what other weight training I can do without a weight set. I can be creative... Thanks to everyone for the support. I am being careful. I already told on myself to my therapist as to all the tricks etc... that I learned at the eating disorder clinic so we are working on that and she is making sure that I stay on the right path.
I look forward to hearing from everyone else as to their experiences, struggles, and what helps them. Thanks all! 0 -
Hey I'm Kristine and in the process of recovering from atypical anorexia.
I have had an ed on and off since i was about 15. From 15 - recently have been episodes of bulimia but since about 2010 its been atypical anorexia ( my weight never drops into the underweight bmi ) My last relapse was after having my second little boy who is now 8 months.
Im doing pretty well at the moment following a 2000 calorie meal plan, although i dont have to eat back exercise calories although recently im struggling with over eating on some days and im in bi weekly therapy which hopefully i will be able to start reducing soon.
My weight is increasing about a lb a week, I have lost TOM due to weight loss so i have agreed to regain until it comes back then i can switch to maintenance although im now going to see if upping my fat intake will help them come back a bit faster at a lower weight.
I walk pretty much every day and go to the gym 2/3 times a week, i do mainly cardio but im starting to go to the classes like legs bums and tums and i would like to go to body pump too. I am finding im trying to play the low net game so im stoping logging the calories burnt and just tracking what im doing and how long for to try and stop this.
I really hope we can keep this group active as all the other ed groups seem to dwindle out.
Nice to meet you all, I'm always keen to find supportive friends so providing you are netting / eating a decent intake please add me. xx0 -
Hi, I'm Dave. I would consider myself a binge eater. I have a cycle of eating a lot of food after 10pm and usually staying up late, waking up early for school and feeling sick from the night before. I have lost weight and been on diets for a few weeks at a time but haven't stuck with anything. I'm 5"8 and weigh 246 lbs. I would like to be around 180 - 190 lbs. I go to college in the day time and work usually 3 three nights a week sometimes more. So meal planning is a challenge for me, but I am still hopeful and believe I can be healthy.0
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Hey everyone, some of my story
I have watched my life change because of binge-eating. I have struggled with it for years, but the past few months were like nothing I knew before. I've been so depressed, so scared, so unhappy... and all because of food.
I gained 18 pounds in a month, and I'm everything but tall. One morning I woke up, feeling sick, unable to breath properly, feeling dead-like. I realized how much I had changed, and finally weighed myself after about a month: 18 pounds up. I was so disappointed and shocked that I spent the morning contemplating whether I should just binge that day to make me feel better and start my diet tomorrow. I stopped binging that day.
I think there was a time when it was "okay" for me to binge: I was thin enough to get away with it, it wasn't happening as often and the binges weren't as bad. That time has gone away. I got health issues, even my joints are breaking down in my early 20's. I might not get a second chance.0 -
It's nice to meet all of you. Just as an aside... I have found that if I don't eat all of my calories I and more tempted to over eat. I have not binged or purged in more than 8 years. What I do find now is that I want to lean towards anorexia. I am eating the majority of my calories every day and that I have been doing pretty well. I have maintained my weight above 160# and thank goodness, my doctor has kept me on my ADHD medication. I am doing well.... if I can do anything for anyone else... I will share my knowledge and support.
Dave, keep up with the meal planning... you will get there.
Summer, you have made such strides. Make sure you eat your calories, that need to binge and purge will decrease if you follow the plan. Congratulations on stopping binging and purging.
Kristine, keep up the good work!!!
Maccrocck, you are on the right path.
Thank you emdarling!!!
I have found that this is very helpful for me, thanks to all.0 -
Quick question... Does anyone know why the calories on MFP and Fitbit are so off??? Can it be fixed???0
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Happy turkey day to everyone!!!
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Hope you all enjoyed thanks giving x0
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